"Their gestation period is approximately 90 days which is as close to our gestation period as we have found in an Arkanoid mammal. We can clone these female Stagnatians beginning with fifty and have over a hundred thousand in ten years," said the assistant to the senior researcher. An Arkan year was approximately three times the length of a Stagna 3 year. They were Arkanots from the planet Arkan nearly ten thousand light years from Stagna 3. The ship they were on was staying well out of the range of Stagna 3's sensory devices. They had just moved the female Stagnatian from the suspension tube where they kept her. They had moved her to an examination table. She passed from a dream like state to full awareness. 1
They were discussing the female specimen. She was completely naked, paralyzed by a neurological field, breathing shallowly. She was aware of their speech, but she didn't understand their language. She also had complete feeling in her body, but still she was unable to move. She was very frightened, but could not speak. She could not have communicated with the Arkanots, anyway. These two did not know her language. To them, she was a lower species not worthy of communication. She was their first laboratory specimen of her species. She had delivered the second specimen only a short while earlier; a female clone of herself. They had allowed her to deliver naturally and it had taken about 90 of their days or nine months according to Stagna 3 time for her to come full term. The experiment had been successful. Now they needed to see if she could deliver an Arkanot infant. They had been in orbit around Stagna 3 for 120 Arkon days, or nearly a year Stagna 3 time.2
They were examining her to determine her condition. She was in her early twenties, Stagna 3 time. Her frame and the size of her infant were about the same as that of Arkanot females. They took blood from her and extracted a sample of her milk from her left mammary gland. Monitoring the heartbeat of the mother and infant, they were well satisfied.3
"We could induce labor at say 60 days, and that would speed the process by 50%. Our colonization rate could be increased proportionately. We can eliminate the males and the females beyond child bearing years, and take over Stagna 3(Stagna for our solar system and 3 for our planet number from the sun) much quicker," the assistant continued.4
Arkanots and Stagnatians looked much the same on outward appearance. There were differences inside, but the primary difference was that Arkanots were linked telepathically and could be in constant communication with the whole. Their plans were to abduct and clone Stagna 3 females as breeders. Then to breed Arkanots and distribute them all over Stagna 3 until there were enough in number to take over the planet. Acting as a unified force, their numbers could be significantly less than the human population and still achieve victory. Also, as Arkanots appeared human, they could strike without warning. The key was to build the population of Arkanots quickly. Using Stagnatian females as breeders seemed a simple solution.5
"If these Stagnatian females breed as well as I am hoping, they will be useful in colonizing other planets," said the senior researcher.6
"They will also be a good food source," added the assistant.7
"You will note the obvious difference quickly," the senior researcher continued. "Instead of four mammary glands of Arkanots, the stagnatians have only two. We'll have to keep this difference hidden until it is time for the takeover. Neither the male nor female have our four nipples. The rest of the external appearance is relatively the same."8
"The female here gave birth only twenty four hours ago and seems to be for the most part recovered from the experience," observed the assistant. "Quite resilient. She could be made fertile again within a day to a week."9
"Our base on Stagna 3 is equipped to handle the rapid population growth. It is thought to be a Stagnatian city. The Arkanots there know several of the Stagnatian languages and are thought to be American," said the senior researcher. "The colony has been there now for 5 years."10
The Arkanots had taken some 500 humans captive years before and studied their languages in anticipation of colonizing the planet.11
Cloning Stagnatian females was the next logical step.12
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It had been long enough now that her memories seemed like dreams; her family, her children, her husband. She knew she had a new baby. 'God!' it was painful enough, but they kept her paralyzed and fed her through tubes, and through tubes she excreted her waste. She hadn't realized she was pregnant until she had gone into labor, but she remembered well the pain. She hadn't seen the baby, but she knew she had had one. Most of the time, life was kind of like a daydream. She would remember things and dream about things and hope for escape from the mad world she was in. She didn't know where she was. The senior researcher and his assistant looked human. She thought she might be a part of some secret government experiment, German probably. She could hear them speak, but understood not a word.15
She had a clear memory of the day it all began. She and her husband had argued as they often did. He left for work and she started fixing breakfast for the kids. It was January 1925. She heard a knock and had answered the front door to find a man and a woman who were dressed nicely. The woman sprayed something in her face that smelled of honey. She remembered becoming dizzy. Next she awoke on the cold metal table with these scientists peering over her. She couldn't move, but could tell by the cold air she was naked. She felt a needle prick on her arm. She didn't know they were taking a sample of her blood for testing. Then they penetrated her vagina with a cold metallic probe. She felt a warm liquid squirt inside herself, and the suction of the probe vacuuming it out. She didn't understand that they were harvesting her eggs. A little later, the probe again and a similar release of warm fluid.16
Now she had borne a baby. She was sure of it. 'That damn probe again!' They were probing her vagina she suspected to see if everything was all right. She really wished they would let her free of the paralysis and tell her what was going on. She knew also that they were playing with her thoughts. Soon they would put her back in the tube. She wondered about the baby. 'Let me go,' she screamed within herself. 'Would she ever be free again? Or were they going to kill her?' A wave of panic ensued with these thoughts.17
Author notes
Invasion of Stagna 3 Chapter 1 Here's the link to the rest of book one and the start of book two:
http://storywrite.com/list/39-Invasion-Of-Stagna-3
In a list
A contest entry
- Do judge a book by its first page by darling dearest.
300 points, ended March 27, 2007, 30 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - First Chapters! by Alice Cambridge.
125 points, ended May 18, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Novels contest by Hloverofpeace.
175 points, ended August 26, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Novles only, can you keep me reading? Part one by The Insane Eraser.
600 points, ended September 4, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Points for Prologues and Chapter Ones. by wolfcub.
475 points, ended October 4, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 58 of 58
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I found it quite boring, to be honest. There weren't any errors that stood out, but neither did any of the story! I mean, this could be the start of something good, but I didn't have any desire to read on.
The description was quite interesting, but there wasn't really any action or anything to make it stick in my memory. -
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Hi Wolfcob!
It does start slow to establish the foundation of the story. With the introduction of the heros in the third chapter, it changes point of wiew and there's dramatic change in pace and style.
Thanks for reading.
Andy
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Hi Wolfcob!
It does start slow to establish the foundation of the story. With the introduction of the heros in the third chapter, it changes point of wiew and there's dramatic change in pace and style.
Thanks for reading.
Andy
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Very interesting!
Great concept, this story generates a lot of feedback- very good sign! Held my interest, will keep reading. The aliens are very convincing and creepy dudes yo! Some of the sentence structure needs work for clarity and some of the wording. Also, as I scanned the entire story it became clear that there is some redundancy that needs to be elimanated...eliminated...eliminated...
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Hi there!
I appreciate you reading and commenting.
I've been intending to do a rewrite on this for a long time. Maybe I'll find time soon and start trying to market again. It picks up pace considerably in the third chapter when it changes point of view.
Redundancy, hmm? I don't really remember anything like that, but maybe I'll see it when I rewrite. Also, I hope my craft has improved since I wrote this.
Thanks for the critique. Most the time, the comments are not very critical.
Andy
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Very well wqritten, though maybe instead of saying Stagna three time all the time XD Maybe say her time...the her peoples time. Will give it a bit more diversity o.o.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Hi there, UD!
I'm glad you felt this story is well-written. I hope you enjoyed it. It's a fast paced story with humor, romance, suspense, and excitement. I think you'll enjoy it. It really picks up in the third chapter.
That's a good idea about relating the time of Stagna 3 from her point of view some of the time. I'll look it over later and see if I can incorporate that.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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different than what i usually read, but cool. it's unfair how they treat her. at least they could let her walk. guess not though.
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Hi DS!
She's just a specimen in an experiment to them. She has no meaning to them beyond that. This is the beginning of a short novella. There are twelve chapters to it. They are the first twelve chapters at this list:
http://storywrite.com/list/39-Invasion-Of-Stagna-3
The pace and story make a significant change in the third chapter.
I hope you like it.
Andy
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i knew there had to be ailens out there,you just put it all in perspective.Jk but i like that fact that is seems like it could be happaning thats intresting
Gabe
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Hi!
I think, should you read the rest of this short novella, you'll find it to be fast-paced, humorous, and realistic in its set conventions. I need to give it a rewrite because of current political changes and suggestions that have been made by those who've read it, but it's still a good read.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
Andy
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I really liked this. Very well written and interesting.
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! :] -
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Hi Alice!
I just noticed that I don't seem to have replied to your comment here
. Thanks for hosting the contest. I hope it turned out well.
Thanks also for the honorable mention and points. I'm glad you like this story.
Andy
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Reposted from tonialoise
Thanks so very much, Toni! This is the best critique I've received
. When I revise this story, your critique will be extremely helpful.
so far your grammar and everything is just about impeccable (according to my limited knowledge on the subject) I do however have quite a few story and style points.
wow, lots of info packed into that first paragraph, but nothing bad about that. It does seem to be from her point of view so becareful that the information in it (other than the speaking) is something she would know. You move in-between her perspective and the narrator's a few times. Also watch out for the large chunks of exposition like in p8. I'm all too familiar with trying to get stuff like this out of the way at the beginning but it's best to work it in throughout the story and if you can in dialog. My suggestion, because it seems you're talking more from an Arkanot perspective is to get rid of or change the stuff in p5 about what she can feel and her fear. In other words have something like "The Arkanots recorded nerve action indicating she could feel." and "her pulse and temperature rose telling the scientists she felt fear."
p7 "(Stagna for our solar system and 3 for our planet number from the sun)" I don't think I understand this aside. Is the assistant speaking it or is it simply for our information and if so you might want something simpler saying (what we call Earth) as most people by now understand we're the 3rd from the sun. Also if this is for our information I'm not sure this is the right place to put it or if it is needed. By this point in the story I was already wondering if it was so, and it will probably become obvious later.
p8 "less than the human population" wait how'd humans come into this you've been talking about Arkanots and Stagnatians. (ok I am inferring that Stagnatians are actually humans (Earthlings)) but the jump here is like above a change in perspective. If we were actually on the planet and they were talking about themselves as humans then ok, but we're still on the Arkanot's ship and we are only talking about alien things here. Especially if you keep this scene in their perspective as I suggested before.
I have another question on the plot point of breeding. Why breed? If they already look the same why can't they integrate themselves in? Is there not enough of them already? I think that's your point but I'm just not 100% clear on it at this point.
p10 ""They will also be a good food source," added the assistant." Woah, so they're like cannibals? Spooky.
p11 "We'll have to keep this difference hidden until it is time for the takeover." there's always a catch isn't there? If this is indeed foreshadowing it might be a we bit too obvious here. I might have even snuck it in as an aside when one of the first babies were borne as someone believing it was simply a mutation. But that's me and it's your story so I'll shut up now. Oh and where are the other two nipples? Are they full breasts or just the nipples? If just the nipples can't they be cosmetically hidden or removed? These can actually can be important questions depending on how obvious the differences are.
p12 "twenty four hours ago" ok Arkan time or Stagna time. Earlier I was thinking you were nearly over using which time was what but here... The Arkanot is speaking so I'm assuming it's Arkan time which means this is more like 3 days right?
p13 ""The colony has been there now for 5 years."" ok again who's time? More importantly they said this was their first specimen. If they've really been there for 5 years or more (and captured 500 according to the next para) then you have conflicting info here. You can't tell me they've gone that long and never experimented on anyone in any way.
p18 "She hadn't realized she was pregnant until she had gone into labor" you might want to check with women who've had babies. From what I hear there's a lot going on with the body that even if you're paralyzed you would know you're pregnant.
p25 "and she knew she was naked." this is kind of redundant as it's not logical that they would put her in a tube fully clothed just to unclothe her again. We don't really need to be told again that she can't understand them, though the part about her knowing they discussed her is good.
p26 again here is a pov change, you were certainly in her point of view in the last two paragraphs but now we know things from the assistant's point of view. It really is best to keep only one point of view per scene. It's kind of like keeping one speaker per paragraph; while we can follow what is happening it can become confusing.
p28, you repeat the liquid going into her uterus and then getting vacuumed out. Unless it really is done twice both of these sentences just seem to be saying the same thing in two different ways and almost two different points of view since she doesn't really know that's what they're doing. She can assume it but doesn't know. If she did know then it wouldn't come as a surprise to her to realize she was pregnant again later.
If I don't comment again on the pov changes, it's not because there aren't any but because I figure you get my point by now.
p34 again more exposition, it gets a little dry after a while and a little repetitive.
"that stagnatian females" capitalize Stagnatian hehe... this just made me think of stagnation which might be a good description our people.
p47 "The colony was a suburb which over the last ten years" but you said earlier in p13 they'd been there for 5 years???
"Stagnatian(human)" It's pretty obvious by this point especially by mentioning L.A. so I don't think it's needed to say human here.
p48 "least seven years(Arkanot time)" also by this time especially since it's an Arkanot talking we know which time frame he meant, it's only during narration that it's really necessary, but if a pov is certain one way or the other then it interrupts the flow a little. Think of it as the different time zones. If you're in the pacific time zone you will only talk about your time and the people around you know you do. But if you're sending an e-mail to a bunch of people and say "Let's have the meeting at noon." you have to be specific. So the former is like the dialog and the latter like the narration. You can take this one step beyond if we're positive you're talking about the humans without Arkanots around you don't need to tell us it's their time.
"we could have millions of Arkanots in 25 years" you were talking at the beginning about it taking only 10 years and that was without induced labor. Ok that was talking about cloning and only 100K but this too is a contention as they also talked about abducting the breeders later and nothing more about cloning them.
p49 "Using a hundred two member Arkanot teams" comma between hundred and two otherwise it reads kind of like 102. Um... so is the transport beam on the ship or some kind of portable thing? I don't understand what the teams are needed for. I mean if they can "beam them up" what's the point of knocking them out first? Do they have to tag them or something? You might want to explain a little more now that we're in Arkanot's pov. It was good when you described it from her pov not knowing what was going on, but now things have changed and the Arkanot's do know.
p49 "they had captured" I only noticed a few of these and they weren't too bad but just thought I'd point out this one as it's kind of out of place. "Had" makes this sentence quite passive and if it's removed puts the reader in the action. When you go through this again just read the sentence and if it makes sense without the "had" I'd suggest you lose it.
Also you used "captured" quite a bit in a short space of time you might want to find an acronym for it.
p50 "They were smarter, lived longer," how much longer? Did this go unnoticed that people weren't aging as fast?
p64 much like "had" "was" is very inactive. Quite a few sentences in this section could be reworded or the verb just changed form to make a sentence more active. "I was actually beginning to think about her figure which was slender and well formed." could simply be changed to "I actually began..." courtesy of yoshi on one of the writing101 group topics; "When looking for active verbs, look for verbs that change spelling with tense, such as drink. As in: We drink, he drank, she got drunk. (root beer - I swearz)
These verbs seem to have more power than the garden variety that never change spelling (just ending): We sip, he sipped, she had sipped."
also a suggestion; "She had ocean blue eyes and dark hair." one thing I was warned about a long time ago was giving "police description" of people. i.e. he was 6' broad and white. it describes the person fine but it's not interesting and I would personally forget the details by the next paragraph. So you could say something like "Her dark hair was silky and her ocean blue eyes drew me in."
p71 "Alcohol is a thing I discovered Arkanots are not wise to drink. I don't think she had ever tried it." does he know she's an Arkanot at this point? your readers do not. So either reveal it if he does or leave the comments out so that there can be some suspense and shock when we learn the truth.
p74 now this is a great paragraph not only showing a bit of personality in both of them but also very active and interesting.
p81 "I helped her to her apartment" but you never say they went inside, I find it rather awkward for the later bit to happen at her door, especially if she's trying to hide it.
p100 "Under her bra were two smaller tits where there shouldn't have been any." this is what I was talking about earlier about it being important if it were just nipples or a full breast. Would it not be easy to see these on a woman. I mean she could hide mostly by not having a low cut blouse. Still most shirts, and bras create a distinct shape to them. In the 90 years or so they've been among humans not one of the thousands (taking into account most live in the colony) of women have ever been questioned about the strange shape of their chest? Now another thing, I'm assuming when you say they're "under her bra" you mean on a horizontal line with the other two, speaking as a woman having two extra, even if they're smaller, in my bra would be extremely uncomfortable, there's hardly enough room in my bra for the two I have as it is. If you mean "under" as in below them closer to the stomach, this would not only make more sense biologically wise (think of cats/dogs or even cows) but also make them easier to hide both with bra and blouse. Also thinking about biology unless they're vestigial they probably should be a similar size to the others.
still think it would have been more fun had he learned it not in her telling but in his trying to cop a feel (as she pushes him away) or something, and then she has to admit it instead of telling him flat out.
"She was an alien or I had lost my mind." why does he jump imediately to this conclusion? In this day and age we're more likely to think someone has some strange deformity than automatically think they're alien. If this was set in the 50's I wouldn't blink twice at his thinking she was alien, but set in "modern" time it seems kind of strange.
p126 "It is our way, we are masters of the universe." hehe... ok sorry I think of He-Man with this line and it becomes much less deadpan than I think she would be saying it. This whole section however, reads a little like an interview with the question and answer. I'd put in some actions, her pacing or something, to break it up.
p143, Ok I guess this answers my earlier question, kind of. If someone suspected they'd probably just kill them. BUT I still say that it's strange in all those years with the sheer amount of them that no one noticed if the breasts are aligned horizontally or if they did notice and were killed for it, that would be an awful lot of deaths I would think. Just something to think about as my twisted mind always contemplates all the what if's that doesn't mean it's not possible for them to have gotten away with it this whole time, I just find it unlikely.
p156 "her birth mother had been human or not, she loved me." again he doesn't know this (we may know it but he doesn't) so it seems odd for it to even be mentioned here.
p163 "Although her upper mammary glands" ok that explains it. would have been nice to get this description earlier upper/lower.
p195 Why Houston or any other big city? Chances are higher of running into an Arkanot there than a small town. I guess to still have access to spreading the word about the invasion but still seems rather dangerous to me.
again the section where it should be two lovers talking is almost like an interview, having some more "action" in this sequence would help; "he said softly," "she brushed his hair," looks passing between them, etc.
p241 good, glad to see they're not going totally without knowledge.
p252 "This just one small planet." s/b "This is just..."
p256 When you have dialog continued from one paragraph to the next it's standard to not have the ending quote at the paragraph end. e.g.: I know there are more, but how do we find them?256
"First we need converts and fast," I continued.257
p261 "The Republicans are in control." Hehe... You might want to update your plan here. Seems Democrats hold control of the government both in congress and president. Of course I do realize this is an alternate history, so if it is so you might want to elaborate just slightly. Another point is they have not always been in power over the last 90 years, so would the Arkanot's not have tried to become whoever was in power? This however all could easily be explained away if you said they are running the party and trying to keep control away from the democrates build up their power, maybe even intentionally release power from time to time to avoid being detected.
P264 "Could it be that most if not all Arkanots in the United States were Republican?" Hehe... That would sure explain a lot however you also later say that all republicans might be Arkanots, that is unlikely as there are far more than 10 Million republicans in the US and not all Arkanots are in the US (she did say they are in all major cities in the world).
P267 "She was armed with a neural disruptor and a small automatic." Did you write this pre 9/11? I don't think they'd get the gun into any political meeting no matter how small anymore.
Again all of this was accepted rather quickly to be really plausible and after 9/11 if someone pulled a gun like that I think people would jump him, not to mention they'd have a little security at a party meeting.
P290 he just tried to hide Cheryl a moment ago and already is revealing her? -
Totally, verymost creepy. I just had my latest baby a few months ago and I was literally cringing as I read this part. Eew eew eew! Also, egad and crikey! You wrote well enough to seriously freak me out!
Nicely done. The whole part where the scientists were talking over the paralyzed woman was oh so irritating! I hope I'm never a test subject.
This was a great start to your full story! I'ma go read the rest. A few typos popped up: Stagnations in P1 (hee hee), and Sagna in P2.
Oh, and in the first paragraph, when the scientists say "deliver" and that it took 90 days, dang! I thought that was the length of her entire labor! Then I realized you meant that was the gestational period; maybe you could word that a little more clearly? It sounded like they were keeping the test woman in labor for months, which would clearly kill her and the baby, and then they couldn't take over the planet. -
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You're moving along quickly.
I'm following along making corrections as I go. In the chapter you feel is about four paragraphs short, I'm probably not going to be able to do anything about that for a while. Thanks for reading this novella.
Andy
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Hmmm I like this it makes you think I like the Planet of the Apes feel lol Only no apes of course. A very neat story thanks for entering it :
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Nope, no apes. Arkanots! And who's to say, they may already be here
. I'm glad you like this. It turns into a romance with touches of humor as the story goes on.
Andy
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No problem understanding what was taking place. It was all so impersonal; like a true science lab. Great job.
I am going to do it; well, I'm going to try.
Hi Andy, I have been snapping at the bit wanting to comment on this novel. I was waiting for the contest to end, but nothing says I can’t pick it up chapter by chapter.
So if you have made any drastic changes in the final draft, or corrections that are still not done here, just ignore.
The first section or introduction read like a prologue. No problem understanding what was taking place. It was all so impersonal; like a true science lab. Great job.
The action really came when you allowed the female specimen to begin narrating. She doesn't show a lot of emotion, which can be attributed to the medical procedures.
The ideas you put forth, how she realizes she has been violated, given birth and denied her child, (discounting the fact she has other children whom she no longer can see) should elicit a bit more mental anxiety than she shows.
Perhaps you dont want the reader to empathize with her? Does her existence end in this chapter?
At any rate this opening is a fine hook to send one hunting the next chapter.
Thumbs up,
Geri
You may want to look at some of these;
"Their gestation period is appoximately (approximately) 90 days which is as close to our gestation period (as) we have found in an Arkanoid mammal.
They took blood from her and extracted a sample of her milk from her left mamory (mammary) gland.
"Our base on Stagna 3 is equiped (equipped) to handle the rapid population growth.
Most (of) the time, life was kind of like a day dream(daydream).
. She heard a knock (and) had answered the front door to find a man and a woman who were dressed nicely.
She felt a warm liquid squirt inside herself, and the suction of the probe vaccuuming (vacuuming) it out.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Geri
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. I've corrected them. I may do a rewrite on this again later and try to express more of the woman's feelings. That's not something I'm very good at. You read through the complete version once before, but I appreciate you going through it again chapter by chapter. The first two chapters are kind of a prologue, the novella kicks into gear in the third chapter.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. It is very nice of you.
Andy
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Suspenseful
Oh! Reminds me of people claiming they were abducted by aliens and experimented with. This is the first story I've seen go in so deeply with what goes on with the 'subject.' Breeding purposes for a stagnant alien breed? Good. This story has almost limitless possibilities for expansion. Keep penning!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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Thanks, Nichtmich
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. This is the first chapter in my novella, "Invasion of Stagna 3". If you wish to read the rest of it, you can find it in my list, "Invasion of Stagna 3". I am glad you like it.
Andy
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Just remember I am not an editor so it’s basically my opinion. I’ll take these one portion at a time and comment, and sometime the comment may change as I read another section. For example, if I think something is unclear and should be elaborated on but later find it in another chapter, I might say – oh never mind there it is.
So here goes.
I’m really a bit confused – as a reader – as to whom is whom. The invaders are bad guys?
What I see is the probers are pretty cold, heartless the way researchers are. They can’t, even if they wanted to, get emotional involved with their subjects. That’s fine.
Did you do the math on the breeding program? Gestation is 90 days, how long do they need to give the first batch of clones to mature before they can start in on their part in reproducing. And, if this one is pregnant…with one? Or a litter type thing? A bit more detail as to the experiment.
Specimen is a good cold word. Maybe also use The Subject or Subject A-01 or something along this line too.
I said they were cold when it came to the specimen and talking about her. Will they continue with this when interacting with each other? That will work. But so will making them a little more … uh, human toward their own kind.
Now the specimen herself. Is she already resigned to just lying there and doing and thinking nothing? If it were me, I’d have a running conversation going on in my mind. [also….you do the 90 days thing twice in two paragraphs….once with the probers once with her. Redundant?] If I was paralyzed I’d be freaking trying to either scream at them or wonder about my sanity. She needs to be fleshed out and have the readers think of her as ‘one of us’. Sympathy is needed from the very beginning.
Four mammary glands, four nipples…. Redundant. We get it right away that they have four and she has 2.
"The female here gave birth only twenty four hours ago and seems to be for the most part recovered from the experience. Quite resilient. She could be made fertile again within a week to a month."6
Back to the math. A week after delivery….the clone is a baby? If so, make it really clear at some point. If a baby, who will raise it and will it grow at a normal rate or is it accelerated. Will it be educated or used as an animal type thing.
Back to specimen. So can give birth almost 4 times a year. And they have 50 subjects? That comes to 200 births a year. Their total years of production is? If they are young, give an age and how long they will be of use.
Now, language of the probers.
“Subject A-01 is a approximately 20 years of age, of good health when taken. Physical appearance shows similarities to ourselves, however, you will note there are a few obvious differences. [describe the differences and how they can over come covering it up….which makes me want to know why it needed to be covered up?....]
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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i would read this book
Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest! Sorry this is late notice but it also takes time to judge! Personally i am not a fan of sci-fi but as this was an 'all category is welcome' contest it can be excepted and to be honest this was ideal for my contest. i might read this novel which would be my first sci-fi novel i would be bothered to read. good luck!
darling x -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting the contest. I hope you have many good entries. I believe you would enjoy this novella if you were to read it. It is fast moving and has touches of humor. There is also romance.
Andy
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I usually like to read the comments before commenting myself, but seeing the impressive number you have, I'll pass.
Anyway, this is a good write. I didn't see any mistakes or really have any suggestions, other than maybe some more background. It's a nice start. Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!! Let me know if you change anything!
-Moose: OUTbeginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Thanks, Moose
There is more background as the story develops. It is in my lists, "Invasion of Stagna 3". If you like it, you will find the rest there. It involves the invasion, romance, and occasional touches of humor.
The reason there are so many comments is that I wrote this when it was a part of Allpoetry before Storywrite was established. Most of the comments are from that period. I hope you have a good contest and many good entries.
Andy
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This is a REALLY amazing story i must say! Even though I'm not a real fan of sci fi... YOU MADE ME LOVE IT! It was so amazing that you really just dragged me in and made me wanna read more of it! It was truly amazing. I didnt see any errors, which is good. Amazing story! great job and keep up the great work on writing such master pieces.
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The stasis or suspension tube is supposed to keep the breeder's body in good shape. There is little concern for the mind. You are causing me to have to rethink the whole story.
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My comments will be in italics.
"Their gestation period is appoximately …check your spelling of approximately
90 days which is as close to our gestation period we have found in an Arkanoid mammal… you are missing a word here. It should say: as close to our gestation period as we have found…
We can clone these female Stagnatians beginning with fifty and have over a hundred thousand in ten years," …this doesn’t sound right either. It would make more sense if it read: We have cloned these females Stagnatians…
said the assistant to the senior researcher. Their ship was well out of the range of earth's sensory devices… The last sentence comes out of nowhere. It doesn‘t have anything directly to do with the cloning, and therefore should either be a paragraph in itself, or worked in later on in the story where it will be more significant. As it stands, it is a stray fact that I don‘t know what to do with.
They were discussing the female specimen lying on the examination table. She was completely nude, paralyzed by a neurological field, breathing shallowly. She was aware of their speech, but she didn't understand the language. She also had complete feeling in her body, but was unable to move. She was very frightened, but could not speak. She could not have communicated with the Arkanots anyway. These two did not know her language…. You have an awful lot of sentences beginning with the word she. Try to avoid such repetition. Maybe try something like this: The neurological field paralyzed her body, but she was mentally aware of what was going on, and quite able to feel pain. Even if she could have spoken, she would not be able to communicate….
To them, she was a lower species not worthy of trying to communicate with. She was their first laboratory specimen of her species. She had delivered the second specimen only a short while earlier; a female clone of herself. It had taken about 90 Arkanot days for the clone to fully develop within the specimen, and they had allowed her to deliver naturally. The experiment had been successful. Now they needed to see if she could deliver an Arkanot infant. They had been in orbit around Stagna 3 for 120 of their days, or nearly a year Stagna 3 time… again, this last line seems like a stray thought thrown into the works. What does their orbiging Stagna 3 have to do with the clone and her baby? It seems like you could find a more appropriate place to fit it in
They were examining her to determine her condition….This is a telling line. It could probably be cut, because you go on to show what they are doing.
She was in her early twenties, Stagna 3 time. Her frame and the size of her infant were about the same as that of Arkanots.
"We could induce labor say at 60 days, and that would speed the process by 50%. Our colonization rate could be doubled in say 7 years instead of ten. We can eliminate the males and the females beyond child bearing years, and take over Stagna 3 much quicker," the assistant continued…The dialogue is good, but you need to paint an image for the reader too. I have my ideas in my head of what a ship like this one they are on looks like, but you can help to fill that image in. Don‘t go overboard with details, but a few small details can make all the difference. Maybe have one of these researchers pick an instrument up from a counter or off of a tray. Maybe give the reader a hint as to what they look like.
That damn probe again. They were probing her vagina she suspected to see if everything was all right. She really wished they would let her free of the neurological paralysis and tell her what was going on. She knew also that they were playing with her thoughts. Soon they would put her back in the suspension tube. She wondered about the baby… You are telling the reader her thoughts. Try putting them inside her head and letting them hear her thoughts.
For Example
That damn probe again, she thought as she felt the cold prod enter her vagina. Probably checking to see if everything is okay after the delivery of the baby. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl? I wonder if it is even alive? Would they have killed to perform some cruel research? I wish they would either kill me or let me go. I can’t bear this living death they have put me in. They could at least let me move. My muscles are going to be in such atrophy that I may never be able to walk again, if they ever do let me out of this prison they have turned my own body into. They could at least tell me what is going on. What did they do to my baby? They are playing with my mind, my thoughts. Soon they will shove me back in that horrible suspension tube- it’s like being buried alive! Can’t someone help me? Where’s my baby?
You are off to a good start. The story is interesting. This is really short to be considered a chapter. It is only two pages. You may consider adding to it.
Edited on Jan 12, 4:13 because ''. -
Scientist have discovered that the human embryo can be kept in rabbits, etc. This is kind of drawing from that and from cloning.
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Oh my gosh, I've thought of this happening all the time. Why wouldn't an alien race try and infiltrate us? And we probably never would suspect because we're so self-involved. Good job with this.
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I hope you will try more of it. It is coming along well, and I really like it. I am bias, of course. Thanks for dropping in.
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Interesting tale here, have not ready any before, so this is my first - sounds like I might want to read more.
Edited on Oct 18, 4:47 p.m. because ''. -
Thanks Angel. It goes into politics for a while. Nationally and then internationally. I think it will be an interesting novel or novella.
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There are seven chapters now in my lists under "Invasion of Stagna 3". I hope you will like it.
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Pookie, I hope if you follow the chapters you will find them satisfying and interesting.
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Love, Thanks for checking it out. I think you will like the story as it goes.
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Sorin, I don't know if reading more chapters would help you or not. Thanks for trying.
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well... i don't really understand it, but that doesn't mean that it isn't good. it's a wonderful poem
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Cruzing, thanks for reading and for the applause. If you like it, check out the following chapters.
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love sci-fi love this first chapter. can't wait for the next. still took me acouple tries to find enough time to read it. keep going.
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Wow... this is a crazy story. Certainly gives new life to those alien abduction stories. This is very well-written and kept my interest throughout. Good luck as you continue with these chapters. I know it can sometimes be difficult to continue to come up with excellent content!
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Hi, oh boy, hope I never fun into those charming alians reading this gave me the hives, a good write but not one to read as a bedtime read,lol, it will be interesting to see where you go from here, keep me posted, you have my curiousity going, all the best, Di
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Ok talk about a novel :S
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we dont need aliens for this. the government is alrady been doing this for decades. scary anin't it? your imagination is some one elses reality. top story. watch out for the men in black. lol
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EXCELLENT JOB!!!!!
Well, Andy, this is a very interesting story, that I hope to continue reading further as you update it. It has me thinking about what the future in our Planet could bring, if this does in fact exists, what would we do? What would becime of us as human-beings? Will we be used to breed aliens? It is a great piece, thank you for sharing... -
Did you know that a rabbit can carry a human embrio(sp)? This is really not that impossible. Remember the virgin Mary? Hopefully, it will never happen. I am more worried about what humans do to humans.
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This is crazy and scary! I like it, reminds me of a show that I saw on Sci-Fi. I will have to keep reading and find out what happens...it does make me a little nervous though lol.
Jessica -
I am trying to write this story as though it was really happening, Diamond. I don't know if I will be successful, but that is the goal. There has been a lot written about aliens, and I want to make this good.
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Hmm, I don't usually read sci-fi stuff, but this does sound interesting ... and it reminds me of why I will never ever let my body be used for breeding purposes. I'll be keeping up with this.
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Scarlet, '"Breeder" is actually the first chapter. The third chapter I intend to post tomorrow will be a surprise.
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I like this one too. I like the chapter idea. It is hard for me to read a lot at one time consistently on the computer, the sandman comes and sprinkles sand in my eyes. I want to hear more.
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oy... definately a good one... i'll be keeping an eye out for these updates.
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Disturbed, what did you do over the week? There are so many alien invasion stories, it is hard not to be like some. I am going to do my best. I have decided to try to make a novel of it. I already have four shorts chapters. I will post them in the list, "Invasion of Stagna 3".
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oh cool, i like this story a lot, it was kind of like speicies but this time the woman was the vitcum in a way. it was cool, that is all i can say, you took a gamble and it paid off, keep up the killer work, see you in a week
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Well, the baby is in the hands of the aliens and that can't be good. I am glad you like the story. I am not sure where I will go with it.
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wow that was cool its weird but it made me think of Alien resorection.. but then not really close to it.. i so want to now about the baby.. ^_^ i bet its cute.. and evil lol
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