"Braeden...? Do you know anyone who would want to hurt your mommy?"1
"No."2
"Have you heard her fighting or arguing with anyone recently?"3
"No."4
"Braeden, we know that you're sad that your mommy went away, but we need you to think. Was there anything strange or different about her on Tuesday?"5
"She was mad."6
"Okay. Good, Braeden. Good. Can you tell us why she was mad?"7
"Because I wouldn't listen."8
"Why wouldn't you listen to her?"9
"Because she threatened to give away Dakkon if I told Daddy about her friend always sleeping over when he's away."10
"Who's Dakkon?"11
"My dog."12
"And is her friend a man?"13
"Yes."14
"Is her friend Adam?"15
"Yes."16
"Is Adam nice to you?"17
"No. He yells at me and spanks me too hard."18
"Did your mom know?"19
"Yes. She didn't even do anything! She didn't even try to stop him!"20
"Did Adam ever hit your mom?"21
"Yes. I tried to stop him, but he was too big."22
"Is that why he hit you?"23
"That's when he started."24
"Why did he hit you all the other times?"25
"Because he hates me. And he hates my mom and she doesn't even love Daddy."26
"Braeden, did your mommy and daddy fight a lot?"27
"Yes. That's why he's always away."28
"I thought he was a pilot and that's why?"29
"No. He doesn't like it when she yells at him, so he goes on trips."30
"Did your dad ever bring you on trips?"31
"No. He always left me with mommy and Adam."32
"Why do you say mommy's name like that?"33
"Because she was going to give away Dakkon."34
"But she didn't."35
"She was going to. Daddy found out about Adam. Mommy and Daddy were fighting. Then Mommy came into my room and she said that I had to say good-bye to Dakkon. But I didn't even tell Daddy!"36
"Braeden, why didn't you tell us this before?"37
"Because I didn't want to."38
"Braeden, do you think your daddy killed your mommy?"39
"No."40
"Why are you so sure?"41
"Because I know who killed Mommy."42
"Can you tell us who?"43
"Me."44
Author notes
You said that you wanted a child murderer...I did my best!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Nice friggen ending on this one. My only nit is that I think you need just a bit of setup in the beginning so the reader has a bit more clarification of just how young and angry this little boy is. I understand that you're trying to make the ending abrupt and shocking, but the opening lacks just a tad in enriching your main character. And I think that if you did add just a bit more about this boy then the ending would be even more abrupt and shocking.
But on the whole, pretty damned good.
+MaL+ -
OOOOOOOOOH! niiiiice, VERY nice! Great write, really leaves you wanting to know more. Good luck!
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wonderful
so great i never saw it coming wow i would have hoped that if the kid had to kill someone it would have been adam i think child abusers and woman batters should burn in the depts of hell but anyways this is great work good job and keep it up -
this was an awsome story I love it... it is really creepy yet It makes me think of a kid who is somewhat(if not totally) deranged... I love it...
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this is a very interesting way to tell a story, using only dialogue. creative. on one hand I like it a lot (using only dialogue) but on the other I'd also like more detail because it's a good story. thanks for entering, you did a nice job with this. good luck!
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omg that's so cool! you never would have suspected that! omg that's awesome! and it being all diolouge makes it better, i think. it's kind of confusing, but it's good. good luck!
~Addie~ -
Awesome.
I love it. I love it. I love it. Your use of dialoge really makes the story have this 'under the surface' quality. Remarkable piece. I must go check out your other stuff now.
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