Resurectiong My Past

Innocence, we all start out innocent. Just little kids living life to its fullest and only caring about fun. Not poisoned with greed or burdened with hate. We didn’t hate anyone, we loved life for having it. We didn’t take for granted the gift of another day.1

“Saxon!”She cried, her words slurred by the pouring rain, I could feel her hands sliding across my wet cheeks. I could hear, between the claps of earth shattering thunder, her heart breaking cry. And I could feel her beautiful head buried into my chest, her wet hair plastered to her face, but there was nothing I could do to sooth her. I wanted to hold her in my arms, tell her everything was okay, as I had come so far to do. But now lying at her feet in the middle of the street, isolated and alone, I couldn’t. As I tried to tell her what I so desperately came to do, I was pulled away by a bright flash of light. It took me back to the beginning.2

Kindergarten, we all remember certain parts of our first real year of school. It was then from the beginning that it all started, at the time we were just kids. We didn’t know what that was, the sparkle in our eyes when they first met, or the strange force that pulled us together on that memorable first day.3

“Hello, my name is Ms. Thornberry!” said the young woman in an extremely false tone of happiness. “I’m going to be your teacher this year, and I thought we would start the year off by introducing ourselves to the class.4

First was a shy little boy who quietly mumbled his name. Second came a little girl with her black hair flowing down to the small of her back,” Hi, my name is Sylvia!” She said very energetically though she quickly sat down as she said her name.5

Several more continued like this before it finally reached me, so I stood up and quickly said, “My name is Saxon Rivary,” and then sat down as quickly as I could. It was my first day of school and I already felt embarrassed, but the names continued and I was feeling much better when the boy next to me said his name wrong and the teacher had to help him with it. I soon realized that I had done better than all the class, all but Sylvia.6

For most of the rest of the day we didn’t have to speak anymore, because Ms. Berry, she said we could call her that, was explaining to us how our days would go and what all we would be doing this year. We went to lunch and she showed us where to get our food, and she sat with us and ate and when we were all done she helped put up our trays and then walked us out to recess.7

At recess I ran straight to the swings, I loved the feeling of the air through my short blonde hair and over my skin. There were only four swings, the one on the far left was taken by the boy who had mumbled his name earlier on, I think he said it was Leon. Next came a girl who I remembered to be named Kaitlyn, and then was an open swing that I jumped onto. By the time I was seated properly Sylvia had come to the last swing. “Hi Saxon,” she greeted.8

“You know my name,” I answered surprised.9

“Yea, that’s why we all said them. Besides you are supposed to say hi back.”10

“Oh sorry, hi”11

“That’s better, so do you like swinging?”12

“Yea, you?”13

“Yea.”14

“So, Sylvia, what do you think of Ms. Berry?”15

“I like her, she’s pretty.”16

“And she seems really nice.” 17

We continued to talk and swing for the remainder of recess, and she quickly became the best friend I had. That, was the first conversation I ever had with Sylvia.18

When I got home I told my mom about everything. About all my new friends, especially Sylvia, about how Ms. Berry real name is Ms. Thornberry but we all call her Ms. Berry, and about everything else that happened on my first day as a kindergartener at Wills Primary School.19

Then as I was talking everything began swirl and a light came from nowhere and I could feel myself being pulled but I couldn’t move. As I looked around I could see memories. There were fireworks, homework, parties, and lots of other things, some were vivid while others were foggy. I couldn’t tell if I was going past them or if they were coming by me. Then straight ahead, was another memory and I could feel myself being pulled into it, and as everything snapped to place and the strange tunnel of light disappeared, I was in first grade.20

It was a Friday, and I was in Mrs. Parker’s class. School was about to let out, and Sylvia was there, next to me. I remembered that she was going home with me that day, the first girl to ever come out to my house. Sure I had had Leon over many times, but she was a girl so this is different.21

When school was out we walked down to the swings and waited for my parents to come pick us up. All the while we talked about what we would be doing once we got to my house, but by the time we were there we had already forgotten what we had wanted to do. We ran inside and threw all our stuff behind the couch and went outside and kicked the soccer ball back and forth. We weren’t too good though, and we often had to chase it down, but we enjoyed it none the less.22

Once we were good and exhausted we went inside and somehow ended up playing chess. We were not very good and didn’t exactly play it right, but for a couple first graders we felt really smart for understanding the concept of the game. Though we quickly bored of that and were up and running around through the woods, getting covered in leaves and scratched by thorns. While going through we came to a large oak tree in the middle of a little meadow. The meadow was nearly a perfect circle, the sun shined over the tree tops lighting up the meadow with a golden array. We walked up to that tree and sat with our backs up against it.23

With her quiet angelic voice Sylvia spoke, “Saxon, I’m moving away next week.”24

“What, no! Why would you be moving?” I yelled into the quite woods.25

“HAHA, I tricked you!” Sylvia laughed out. I was too stunned to answer, but not because I was confused. It was her laugh, that sweet sound leaves me speechless every time I hear it dance through the air.26

“Hey, Sylvia, I know what we should do.”27

“What Saxon?”28

“We should carve our names into this tree.” As I said this I took my pocket knife out and started to carve my name. Then I handed it to Sylvia and she carved hers under mine, her writing noticeably more elegant than my scribble.29

“There,” she said as she finished her last name and gave me back the knife.30

“Now we will both still be here even if one of us moves.” As I stared at our names, freshly white in the tree, everything swirled together and the mysterious light came again pulling me into the tunnel.31

I saw many more memories of us on school days and could see us swinging and running through those woods over and over again. There were countless numbers of memories all around me, it seemed impossible for there to be so many around me at once. But there was and they were swirling by, constantly being replaced by another until I whooshed into one.32

It all snapped in place and my memory of the day did too. This is probably the most vivid memory I own. I was sitting against the tree with our names in, alone. It was raining that day, the third day in a row that Sylvia hadn’t been in Mr. Baker’s third grade class. It was late fall, so the rain had no trouble soaking me as I lay against the tree, but I didn’t care. I was crying too hard to even notice the rain, crying because this time Sylvia really had moved away. I was crying because I refused to tell her bye because I didn’t believe she was really moving, crying because I had no idea where she moved or her phone number or e-mail or anything of that sort. I was crying because I had lost my best friend and I didn’t believe she would ever be coming back, but my sadness quickly turned into anger.33

As I ran my finger over the now worn names etched into the tree, my anger grew and swelled up. I got so angry that I took out my knife and slashed out at the names, my knife sliced through the rain and into the tree. Again and again my knife flew making a disarray of lines all across the area where our names were once etched in.34

Finally, exhausted, I fell down to the ground. My knife still open next to me, I laid there and cried myself to sleep to the beat of the rain on my face. But as I slept everything began to swirl and I awoke to the strange light and was flying through the tunnel once more. This time the memories were dark, vivid in detail but all the color appeared to be sapped out of them. I saw my next birthday, but instead of light, there was a strange blackness coming from the candles. I could see my memories fly by, appearing empty and lifeless without Sylvia.35

When I finally snapped into a memory it was the anniversary of the day Sylvia left my life. I wore black that day, all black. Everyone kept asking me why and I would tell them it was the day Sylvia left, but nearly everyone didn’t remember her. The only ones that did were Leon, Kaitlyn and I. Leon because we were best guy buds, so he was often involved in things Sylvia and I were. Kaitlyn remembered because she was Maryssa’s best girl friend when she was still with us. Though neither of them knew it what today was, nor did they feel as I did.36

When school let out that day, I went to the swings and just sat there. Imagining that first conversation we had had right in this very spot. I could see her black hair flowing gently with the wind, and I could see the sun shining off her perfect long hair. When I opened my eyes she was gone again, but something else was shining.37

Buried under the gravel was a small metal box. When I opened it there was a shred of paper inside, it read.38

385-66-309139

This could be for anyone, and written by anyone. But I looked at the script and immediately recognized Sylvia’s smooth handwriting.40

I shoved the paper back in the box and ran the eight miles to my house. Once home I threw my stuff behind the couch and grabbed the phone dialing the number twice because I was going to fast at first and messed it up. It rang several times and I was starting to worry that no one would answer, when the angelic voice of a young woman came clear through the phone, “Hello.”41

“Sylvia,” I cried out, immediately recognizing her sweet angelic voice.42

“Saxon, is that you?”43

“Yes!”44

“How did you get this number?”45

“I found that metal box you left by the swings, you know the one with the elegant engraving of an angel.”46

“I didn’t leave a box.”47

“You must have.”48

“I couldn’t have, I didn’t know the number before I left and I haven’t gone back since.”49

“It doesn’t matter who left it, we are talking after two years of separation.”50

“I had given up hope that this would ever happen, I had been trying to forget you, Saxon.”51

“I never gave up hope, Sylvia, and I never will. No matter what happens I won’t let you out of my life again!”52

Our conversation then turned to light and trivial things that simply didn’t matter and neither of us remembered. Talking about everything that had happened since the move, and remembering times when she was still here. And as we talked on for hours into the night, everything began to swirl and the light pulled me away into the tunnel once more.53

The memories in the tunnel were all a little brighter this time, especially all the phone calls, but none where as bright as the original memories of us. This time as I flew by my memories I began to wonder where this tunnel was, and what. Where could it have come from, it couldn’t have just appeared, if it did, how, and more importantly why? Why did it appear and why me, why my memories? But I didn’t have long to think for I was thrust into a memory.54

When it all snapped in place I knew it was 7th grade and I was in my math class. We were done with the class and were talking until the bell rang. Preston and some other guys were talking about the football game the night before, I was the running back and had rushed for at least 250 yards and scored two touch-downs with the help of Preston as my quarter back. But I wasn’t listening because I had heard my name in another conversation, it was Kaitlyn. She was talking to some friends, I couldn’t tell most of what they said, but I ended up getting enough out to know that Sylvia liked me! I just about fell out of the seat, I had always just thought of us as best friends, but now everything changed just like that. I had been trying to find a girl but never wanted any of the girls there, but now I realize that’s because I already liked a girl. People say true love comes at first sight, and I agree, I just didn’t know it was true love.55

The rest of the day went by but I didn’t notice, I had just found out that the girl I had been looking for has been there all along. I felt like an idiot for not noticing sooner, but I still felt great knowing that she liked me too. When I got home I called her and was so excited to tell her the news, unfortunately I did.56

We talked for hours, the longest since we first called each other. We went over everything we could do, but still we decided that the best thing to do was nothing. I just realized I was in love and the best thing we can agree on is doing nothing, we know distance relationships don’t work. Sylvia even tried to convince that me that I psychologically tricked myself into thinking I loved her back. Now I am wondering if I did or didn’t. I couldn’t have, could I? My new found knowledge that enlightened me to an old love was already questioned, first by her and now by me. But when she told me to leave her a message and the words poured out, albeit free verse because I didn’t have time to rhyme, then I knew that I was truly in love with her.57

When I look into your eyes I see a lone white flower, sitting on a hill overlooking a still pond with a full moon shining over head, yet still a gentle breeze ruffles through the petals of this lone rose. And as I gaze deeper into your beautiful eyes, I see a single dew drop on the edge of a petal. In that drop, everything is reflected back with such a clarity and poise, it simply amazes me and leaves me stunned breathless and dazed by the splendor of your beauty, I long to see it once more. For it has been years since I have seen this wonder, and can only imagine what shock I will get when I see it from more than memory. I cannot stand to wait the time that need be for me to once again gaze upon this beauty, and to hold it in my arms. Like an iron brace against the wind, I swear to never let you go!58

Sylvia was expecting a message, but she wasn’t ready for a poem. It surprised her and showed her how much he really felt for her, but that didn’t change that they wouldn’t date. How would it ever work, they lived miles apart, but still she loved him that much more now. She stole the poem away in her diary none the less, flagging the page as she did so, for she knew that she would come back soon and often.59

But once the message was sent the light came and the room swirled and I was launched through the tunnel once more. Memories floating by again, of some poems he sent later. And of conversations, more like arguments, over their situation. But I didn’t see most of them, because I had seen something else. Something that normally was not here, I didn’t know what it was, but for a split second three was another person there. Dressed in what looked like a snow white cloak, this person just appeared and was gone. I don’t know where or how but I think it was a woman because I could smell flowers when she was there, but as I looked for her return I was sent into a memory, everything snapped into place all at once, like a wave crashing into the beach.60

This time I was sitting in a car with my older brother Jeremy, he had just driven me to Rethlet. It was my first time in this little town of about 367, so small we drove through it twice looking for it. I was here because it was Sylvia’s birthday, Jeremy drove me out here at eight in the morning so wouldn’t miss her party. He didn’t know that her party wasn’t until eight in the evening, but I figured I would call later and tell him there was a miscommunication.61

Sylvia and I were both so excited about our first chance to see each other in several years. It was third grade when she moved away from me, and now, near the end of seventh grade, we get to see each other.62

I stepped out of the car and slowly walked to the door, Jeremy gone out of sight before I could even reach the door. I raped on the door softly, half scared of who would answer. A couple seconds, which felt like hours, passed and the door creaked open, and Ms. Greer came out to greet my arrival. We exchanged a quick greeting and she lead me into Sylvia’s room where Sylvia lay sprawled out across her bed.63

There, in this unfamiliar room, in this unfamiliar house, in this unfamiliar town, was the sweetest face from my childhood. Like a fallen angel she stood there, radiating sheer beauty and finesse, the same girl I’ve known all my life yet grown into a teenager. There greeting me in the doorway was Sylvia, “Saxon,” she fell into my body causing me to rouse from my trance to catch her in my arms.64

“You haven’t changed a bit Sylvia,” I smirked, righting her on her feet without loosening my grip around nimble body, simply holding her tight against my body.65

“Neither have you,” her laugh muffled by my chest rang out, sweeter than ever.66

“I missed that sound,”67

“Well I missed your voice,” sure we had talked on the phone, but nothing sounded the same over the phone, so when we heard each other again we both about crashed to the floor.68

We then sat down on the edge of her bed, never letting go of her as I did so. “I saw your mom, but where is your dad? In fact I don’t think I have ever met him before.”69

“Don’t you know Saxon? My dad died on my third birthday, he was in the military and the base he was stationed at was bombed. He was singing happy birthday to me when the first bomb hit, I heard the death of my father!” She cried, tears beginning to well up in her golden eyes.70

“Shush now it’s alright, I’m sorry I asked.” I whispered gently almost like a lullaby, as I pulled her head into my chest.71

We laid there four at least an hour in the silence, gently rocking back and forth as she cried into my shirt. By the time she was done my brown polo was fairly wet, but I didn’t care. I had only been here a few minutes before she cried, how would the rest of the day pass? She cried into me though, and I got to hold her for an hour straight, something I had only dreamed of prior to today.72

Just minutes after Sylvia had regained control over her emotions, Kaitlyn arrived. Completely oblivious to everything that had just happened she came bounding to Sylvia’s room. She seemed as excited as we were, though she didn’t have quite the same result as she entered the room. There we were, the tree of us once again together. We pulled up old photos of us from when we were all in Wills, to be truthful we hadn’t changed much. Obviously we were much older and much more developed, but still we looked the same.73

“I remember that,” I called as a picture of our kindergarten class popped up, “that was the last day of school, Ms. Berry had gotten us all the day off to go play at the park. We spent most the time on those swings, I miss the feeling of flying through the air with the wind whipping over your skin.”74

We all agreed that those were the best days, no distance and no worries. Many more photos of us back in those days came up, every one brought back another memory. Some good, some bad, but all wanted. I remembered them easily for I had seen them all in the tunnel. Though when I tried to tell my friends of this strange place, my mouth wouldn’t move I went to write it but the pen wouldn’t write, no matter what I did I couldn’t make known this strange land or the woman whom I had seen in there last time.75

We quickly ran out of old photos and began to wander outside where Sylvia’s family was grilling some hot dogs for later. We kicked around a soccer ball, I brought it because there was no league here so Sylvia no longer had one, and we simply enjoyed being together once again. As we talked and played around, Sylvia’s friends from Rethlet started to arrive. First a tall blonde girl named Cassidy, followed by the Killian brothers, identical twins Mitch and Zach, and then finally came a girl called Katy.76

Cassidy was your typical blonde, clueless about the world and everything else. But it’s always fun to watch a blonde try to open a glass door when you tie her hands together. They would do that to me but as a guy my blonde hair doesn’t mess me up too much.77

Mitch and Zach were your typical twins, you couldn’t tell which was which and they kept switching on us. Otherwise they were just regular guys that happened to finish each other’s sentences.78

Katy, I don’t know how to describe Katy. She was random and silly, short tempered and proud to be a brunette instead of a blonde.79

At first I thought this was very selective party and I was lucky to be able to come, but then I realized there wasn’t very many more kids that lived in Rethlet, Sylvia had brought most of her grade. When I realized this I laughed for felling so special earlier.80

We all played a little football, though it wasn’t quite fair because no one could stop me so they ended up playing Sylvia, Kaitlyn, and I against all the other kids and Tom, a family friend of the Sylvia’s. Even with the overwhelming numbers we won, and I mean we whooped them bad, I told them I was good before we started, but they didn’t believe that a white boy could run that fast. They know now.81

After we finished we all sat down to eat the hot dogs Tom had grilled earlier, and then we got some cake as we talked about the game and how I must be an albino black guy because no white guy is that good. Once we finished eating we opened her presents, she got lots of various cards with money, a new digital camera, and several other random gifts from relatives she barely knew. Then I gave her my gift, a Diamond cross set in white gold. She was shocked when she opened the large box and it was at the bottom in the small metal box from the swings, the one with the angel engraved in it. I pulled it up and put in on around her neck kissing it quickly and whispering, “Happy birthday,” in her ear when no one could see. That was our first kiss, it just snuck out. It wasn’t even much of a kiss, but I was still a little dazed by how excepting she was to my unexpected action. She was absolutely beautiful in the necklace!82

She then called me over and got me out a large box as well, “for your missed birthdays,” she laughed. I opened the box with shaking hands from being put on the spot and from the effect of her beautiful laugh. Inside was a crystal chess set, set over a glass board.83

“Thank You,” was all I could manage to reply.84

After this the party slowly came to an end and the guests began to leave, before long I was the only one left. We went to her room and played a game of chess, stopping before too long to watch TV because no one was winning. As we watched it somehow drifted over to songs, and we were listening and singing along to her I pod for hours. I couldn’t sing well, but I provided a nice base for her angelic voice to soar upon, and she does have an angelic voice. I often stopped to simply listen and admire her voice, it inspired me so that I slipped a note into the necklace case when she wasn’t looking, that note said.85

You sound of a fallen angel when you sing86

With every word I feel love’s sting87

The songs you sing remind me of88

The moment I first fell in love89

Your voice floats high upon the air90

You stun me still with all your flair91

That night I knew she would see it when she put her necklace away, and I knew she would flag it just like had the other poems. So when the now somewhat familiar light came and her face swirled to a blur same has her room, I wasn’t surprised.92

The tunnel was the same as it had always been, and I floated on passing the memory of when she told me about how she had flagged the page with this poem just as I had thought, and many others of us simply talking for hours about nothing because we didn’t want to hang up worried that it would be our last time to talk. I didn’t pay much attention to the memories though, because I was constantly looking for that lady. I wonder if she had been there every time and I never noticed. While looking to the side she appeared in front of me.93

It wasn’t a she, I was mistaken by the floral smell. For there standing in front of me, was a seraph. I was shocked by this mighty creature of heaven, then he spoke, “Fear not child, for you are saved by the Lord and through him you shall conquer the troubles that lie ahead in your path.” And before I could answer back he was gone.94

I snapped back into Coach Cox’s Texas history class, she was a coach fresh out of the marines so it was always strict in there, no talking ever. Though she was letting us talk quietly today because it was the last class of the last day before the holidays, little had changed since Sylvia’s party a few months ago, the only difference is that I miss her more now than then. I didn’t have very many friends in there because most of them bailed out at the beginning, but I’m not a quitter so I pushed myself forward through the class and was one of her top students. So I was talking with Kaitlyn, my only good friend in there, and a few of her friends that I had known just not well. We talked about every random thing as I fought back the memories of Sylvia that they triggered, but eventually something was said that really saddened us all. Kaitlyn was talking and she told everyone that she wouldn’t be here when the holidays were over, she was moving to a nearby city called Brown Wood.95

Devastation, not only was I losing a good friend, but I couldn’t fight back the powerful memories triggered by her simple words. They all came swirling back, the denial, the realization, the tree, every tear that dropped for her, and most largely all the pain that I had felt. It surged through my body in waves straight from my mind to my extremities where it felt as if they would explode as it stopped and started a return trip. I was literally shaking in my seat as I fought the silent screams wanting to flood out of my mouth. Was everyone I know leaving, am I cursed or something, am I to go my life alone from everyone I know and love. Am I to forget everyone in my life, no, that can’t be it, I promised Sylvia I would never lose hope.96

Everything started to fade away at that point as a fresh and strong wave of pain surged through my body causing me to fall writhing on the floor. Everyone one stared and freaked out except coach Cox. I couldn’t tell what was happening or comprehend the words being said as I slipped out of consciousness.97

I was standing alone in a white room, no not a room, the vast expanse of white extended out in every direction. Then out of nowhere the seraph appeared before me once again, just as stunning and amazing as he was the last time I saw him. He spoke again to me, “Child, you need not cry, this is the will of God. He is preparing you for the coming trials, for though you will have several who support and sympathize you. You are the only one who can make a stop this, the only one who can save her.98

“Seraph”, I asked, “Am I truly the best choice, I don’t know what trouble you speak of, but I know that there must be a more righteous man than me.”99

“Who could be a better choice than one who believes as strongly as you, surely there are people around her that have led a better life, but they do not have the same faith as you. If you doubt that you have stronger faith than them, look down and realize that only by believing The Almighty has raised you up here to speak with me.” At that I looked down and noticed that the white expanse continued down as well, the seraph was right I truly was floating.100

“If I am the one chosen to save her, what am I to save her from, and when shall this be?101

“You will know what when it comes, but child do not hesitate, for if you doubt what El Shaddi tells you, you will fall. Now wake and return to the world so you can do His job for you.” With that he disappeared and I awoke in a hospital bed.102

Everybody had freaked and was so worried about me, my room was filled with balloons and cards. My family and half the school was there waiting for me to wake up as I had now done. It was still the same day, but they said the whole time I had been muttering, “Not again.” It was how my friends knew that it wasn’t just the machines that made my chest move and my heart continue to pulse while I was unconscious. The doctors couldn’t tell them what had happened, all my friends thought they wouldn’t tell them, but the doctors truly had no clue what had happened. They didn’t know why I had woken up either, though I knew the reason to both I couldn’t tell them just as I couldn’t tell Sylvia and Kaitlyn when I had tried.103

Sylvia had called several times while I was asleep, and called again shortly after my waking, “Saxon I was so worried,” she cried. It was obvious from her voice that she had been crying a lot, and I could hear her tears through the phone and I was matching them with my own.104

“Sylvia I’m fine, there is no need to worry about me, though I think you should know that Kaitlyn is moving to Brown Wood.” I could tell this made Sylvia sad, but since it wasn’t really a change for Sylvia she didn’t care too much. I think what hurt her most was knowing the effect it had on me, thankfully she didn’t know the total effect of Kaitlyn’s move.105

Once I had told her about Kaitlyn my memory was complete. Everything was now swirling and before long the light had come pulling me in through that strange tunnel where my life was passing by me. Everything went the same as had been through the tunnel, but there was no seraph this time to accompany my accent. After a much longer ride I snapped into life.106

No longer getting whiplashed from the sudden stop I was ready and remembered everything the moment I was there. There, this time, was back in Rethlet. I was standing in a large circular room, it was St. Patrick’s Day and everything in there was green, there was streamers and balloons across the floor and ceiling. I had just arrived at the party in my green polo and jeans, I had a slightly off tent green hat with a clover on it. Upon entering I saw everyone from the last party except Kaitlyn of course, and a few other new guys who greeted me when I entered. I didn’t catch their names though, my focus was on Sylvia. She had just set down a bowl of green foaming punch, and had just turned and started to walk over to greet me as well. She was wearing a long green dress, it was tight as it wrapped around the curves of her thin tan body. It split along the legs and had large diamond sparkles all over it. Around her perfectly tan neck was the necklace I had bought her for her birthday, it was complemented by matching stud earrings. The look was stunning over her naturally tan body, it shimmered as she walked up to me.107

“Saxon,” she smiled as she hugged me tight, “what took you so long?”108

“Small town traffic,” I laughed back in reply. She laughed her angelic laugh with that and my legs began to tremble as I fought not to fall on her. It was amazing to see her dressed as so in my arms making the most beautiful sound in the world.109

Katy then came up to join us, “Hey Saxon” she said as she landed next to Sylvia.110

“Hi Katy,” I replied with a smile.111

“Saxon kiss me I’m Irish,” she laughed.112

“No, kiss me instead,” Sylvia interrupted. They both stuck out their check and I then noticed that they each had a sticker of a clover on their cheeks.113

“What are yall having a competition?” I asked.114

“Yep!” They chirped simultaneously.115

“Who’s winning?”116

“No one yet, everyone keeps kissing both of us,” Sylvia explained.117

“Well then I will kiss one of you at the end of the party.” With that we all went to say hi to everyone else. Little had changed in everyone else and the new guys didn’t talk much so it was a lot like a repeat of Sylvia’s birthday, or at least it was so far.118

After everyone was greeted we turned up the music and all began to dance. It was a fast song and we were out there just having fun messing around, though no one really tried any crazy moves. After a few songs we turned it back down and went over to start pigging out at the snack bar. Sylvia had expected this so she stocked it full, all along one half of the room was sugary food. You’d think that us being in Eighth grade we wouldn’t really be going crazy over sugar, but we were just shoveling it down and were quickly on a sugar high.119

We needed something to wash down our sugar, so Sylvia brought out some ornate glasses and we all ladled up some punch. Each of us getting more foam than drink, but I didn’t care because I thought the foam was better. It had this very sweet taste, but it wasn’t sugar it was something else. It was strong and there was a slight sting in your mouth as you drank it, but the overwhelming taste you gave you an urge to drink more. As we continued the party by dancing, talking, and eating we quickly emptied the large glass punch bowl that I had seen Sylvia bring out earlier, though I hadn’t had much of the punch because I stopped once the foam was gone.120

The music fell to a slow song and everyone began to dance together, someone chose partners for everyone. Luckily I was with Sylvia, we swayed together as the music floated around the room, twirling around slowly as we danced across the room. Her head rested on my chest as her arms help her up around my neck, my arms were wrapped around her waist. We didn’t speak, we just floated around together, but as we did I noticed everyone else including Sylvia was getting clumsy.121

The song came to an end and we all continued to dance as we had before as the music regained a faster tempo. The dancing was getting much more extravagant now though, it was obvious that no one was holding anything back, and several people were falling over as they tried to dance. Then the lights clicked off, and a strobe light came on.122

Everyone went crazy, the music was pounding out the same beat as the strobe. It felt like a movie as we danced around, knowing what we were doing, but not controlling it. The feeling was insane, I wasn’t in control as I danced around the room busting moves I didn’t know I could do and some that I wish I hadn’t done. No one cared how the others were dancing cause they were doing the same thing.123

The strobe went off before long though and everything started to fall apart as we all laid down on the ground in the middle listening to the music and talking about everything. I learned much about everyone there, though I don’t remember much of it now. As they don’t remember what I said then, though I held back what they were open about, keeping my secrets, secrets.124

People then began to trickle out so we left, yes we. I was going over to Sylvia’s house with her and Katy. We were all spending the night over there for a reason that Sylvia wouldn’t tell me and Katy yet. We stumbled down the street singing the last song that had played before we left, and drifting back and fourth across the road until we finally cut through a few yards and were there at her house.125

We went straight to her room, and sat down on the bed talking. That didn’t last long though because it was already one in the morning and so Katy passed out quickly. Sylvia and I remained awake for a while though, lying on the floor in the dim light of the full moon shining through the open window. “You never kissed one of us,” she whispered.126

“That’s right, I must have forgotten,” I whispered back in reply.127

“Well, who do you choose?”128

I waited for a few seconds and then whispered back, “You.” I leaned in the last few inches between me and her and kissed her precious lips. We continued to kiss, her fingers running through my hair, my hand around her neck. I was so dazed when I first kissed her on the neck, when this happened the room seemed to explode. Our lips were locked and I could no longer fell my body. Just my lips and hers as we passionately kissed our bodies felt weightless and we spun off into some alternate world. Everything felt perfect for these few minutes that we spent kissing, unfortunately Katy woke from her sleep. So at about ten before three I went to sleep in the next room. I dreamed that night about the kiss, and I knew that I would often dream about that.129

The next day I awoke with a smile on my face and a faint smear of lip stick on my face. I was up before them as I knew I would be because they were drunk from the night before and would be out for a while. Ms. Greer was gone to work at the local church already though, so I was the only one awake. I decided that I should use my time to prepare for Sylvia and Katy to wake.130

I went to the kitchen and started to fry a couple eggs for them, I didn’t eat breakfast so I didn’t worry about putting on a third. After the eggs were done I cooked a few strips of bacon to a crisp and then started to work on sobering them. I put a raw egg in each glass, added some baking soda, some barbeque sauce, some soy sauce, and vegetable oil. An old family cure that I was hoping I got right though not too sure because my mind was a little foggy too.131

By the time I had finished their gourmet breakfast and hangover cure, they had awoken and come into the kitchen. They immediately went to chowing down on the food, having thrown up all of theirs last night, when they took a drink of the cure though they stopped and shot me a repulsive look because I was drinking Dr. Pepper.132

“Yall were the ones who got drunk last night, so drink it up and you will feel better,” I replied with a smirk. They did as I said, though they had trouble doing so. It ended up taking them several gulps to get it all, and it didn’t help that I was laughing the whole time. Katy was so disgusted that she up and left for her house.133

It was just me and Sylvia now, good I liked it better that way. We walked over to the couch and sat down. When I went to turn on the TV Sylvia stopped me, “Saxon wait,” she said with worry in her voice.134

“What’s wrong,” I asked worried that I had upset her feelings.135

“It’s happening again Saxon.”136

“What is?”137

“I am moving further away, to Little Rock,” I was silent. “Say something,” she begged.138

“Not again,” I muttered in a foreign voice, it sounded desolate even to my own ears. I fell into her now, and we sat on the couch just holding each other. I continued the muttering, but it was okay because she was singing to me a sweet lullaby. I didn’t recognize it but I wasn’t really paying much attention to it to notice it. This continued for several hours, all the way until my brother Jeremy arrived to pick me up. I walked out to his car giving Sylvia a quick hug as I crashed into the passenger seat, I was silent on the ride home. I had known that I would come home with something to dream about every night, but until now I hadn’t known it was a nightmare.139

Riding home in the car I sat with a blank stare out the window watching the trees pass by, I almost didn’t notice how they began to swirl and blur. With a flash I was sucked into the tunnel and resumed the usual routine of watching my life pass before my eyes, all familiar memories and yet they all seemed new to me. I watched as I entered high school without her, I watched regular conversations with the same people me and her had once conversed with as children. We were so scared to enter the Intermediate, now the same image flashed by of us all entering high school, all of us but Sylvia. Memories flew by of my life and the seraph never showed, I guess I knew why this was happening. So little did I truly know though, so little did I know of the truth.140

I snapped into life at a high school football game, our Wills Lions were losing badly to the Carol Pirates just as we always did. Carol was a very prosperous town between Wills and Rethlet, Sylvia knew many people from there, so she was excited to hear about who was playing in the game and what happened. She had more than one source though, Scott Branson a player on the other team was her boyfriend. If only I played defense still, I would flatten that stuck up rich boy down. I was only on offense though so I never got to go up against him.141

After the game I found out who he was and went over to get a personal idea of who he is, not just what Sylvia tells me about him. But when I approached him behind the stands he was lip locked with a Carol cheer leader. “Good game,” I called to him trying to mask my rage, “Her cheering must have really helped you out.”142

“Yea it did,” Scott laughed back.143

“You must be Sylvia,” I directed to the cheer leader through gritted teeth.144

“No” Scott cut her off, “this is Ashley.” Typical cheer leader name was my first thought. “Sylvia is a different girlfriend.”145

“Oh, you have more than one. How do you decide which one to take on a date playa?” I pulled my hands into fists as I said this.146

“Easy, Sylvia lives in another state. When she is down here I take her out for a ride and when she’s gone I stick with Ashley.” That was too far, I dashed out the few yards between us and socked him right in the jaw causing a stream of blood to trickle from his mouth.147

He looked at me with a red smile, a gap in his lower jaw from where I had just knocked out his tooth. “You must be Saxon Rivary, Sylvia told me all about you.”148

“Don’t say her name!”149

“Oh, does that make you sad.” He teased, then with a suddenly ferocious voice he lunged at me, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” I bobbed out of the way but his fist grazed across the side of my face. Back and forth we lunged at each other, glancing blows all except a few that I landed and one of his that struck me square in my right eye. After one of my punches flew by the side of his face he grabbed me slamming me to the ground, but I flipped him over and was on top of him rapid punching. I unleashed all the rage I had upon his now bleeding face, but other players arrived from both teams pulling me off as he was helped up. Several of my close teammates were now inching in toward the other team, fists balled up ready for a chance to make this an all out team brawl, but that didn’t happen and shortly we were all gone from there.150

In the field house I was sitting alone at my locker, an ice pack on my eye, though I was being careful to keep it off the bandages that covered the cut along my brow. I was thinking, and realized that when we said that we didn’t want to date because of the distance. She was worried that something like this would happen with me, that I would cheat on her and that if ever we did get a chance for a real relationship we wouldn’t because of it was already ruined. I know that I would never cheat on a girl though, that is something I could never do. I didn’t feel guilty for beating up Scott, he deserved what he got for doing that to Sylvia as does every other cheater.151

I called Sylvia and told her everything that night, she answered the phone happy and wondering how the game went. She wasn’t happy once she hung up though, she was more upset with my reaction than what Scott did to her. She said that that was more of a cause for the tears she cried. I was defending her honor, and serving justice to this cheater. And she is mad at me, I don’t regret fighting Scott, though I wish I never had to. Her being mad at me is what hurts the most from this whole ordeal, I didn’t feel physical pain from the fight, and I was expecting to be hurt from her crying. But why she was crying felt like a low blow to me, it was then that I realized that many of the people in Nashville act just the same as Scott if not worse. Sylvia is going to get her heart broken many times there, and there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe, since her mom works for the church, she will be so involved with that that only the few good Christian guys there will go out with her. I want to see her with a good guy, even if it’s not me, it’s someone that makes her happy and can take care of her for me.152

As I pressed a new ice pack to my eye everything began to swirl and I was gone with the bright light. The memories came by again, I saw Leon telling me how proud he was of me for my first fight. I saw Sylvia talk about how she is waiting a few months before she even thinks about dating again so she can get over what Scott did. I also saw her swear that she would not date someone from around here to make sure I didn’t get in another fight over her. So many memories swirled by as I watched blank faced the cut on my eye magically healed, and the bruises on my face disappeared in seconds.153

I then snapped into the memory of a car ride. I had just gotten out of school for thanksgiving break and my family was headed up to my grandmother’s house in on the edge of Tennessee. We had done this every year since I could remember, but this time it was a little different. This time on the way up we stopped at a house we had never gone to before, Sylvia’s new house.154

As we entered Little Rock I called her and over the phone and she directed us through this town, a different performer on every street until we finally pulled up to her house. There she was standing outside, and she looked different. She was still stunningly beautiful, she had the same familiar face, and had only grown about an inch since last time I had seen her. But still she looked different to me, I brushed it off thinking it was probably the nine hour drive.155

I jumped out of the car and grabbed her bags, gently setting them in the free space I had made before we left in the bed of the truck. She thanked me as I then opened the door for her to climb in and then waved to her mother who had just finished talking to my parents through the window. Jeremy was squished into the front middle as Sylvia and I squeezed into the two open seats in the back, a little tighter than we needed to be.156

The next couple hours of the drive flew by as I we all talked and laughed together until reaching my grandmother’s old house on top of the hill. The house was in great shape, it was just outdated on technology a little. It’s good to get away from depending on technology to keep you entertained once in a while, though I was curious as to how Sylvia would go without a computer.157

It was just at nightfall when my grandmother walked out to our headlights, welcoming all of us including Sylvia with a big warm hug. Grandma was always very compassionate to everyone, and she talked to Sylvia as we unloaded all the bags into the rooms. My parents would have the guest room as always, me and my brother would once again be on the bed in the basement, and we set Sylvia’s bags down in my grandmother’s room. She had convinced us that she would sleep on the couch and Sylvia could have her bed.158

Once done unloading I came back out to save Sylvia and bring them inside. I showed her the house, pointing out her room and telling her where everyone was. The kitchen was obvious and was the first room when you come through the door. It was a light yellow with a white tile floor. All the hallways were made of a dark grey stone, and all the walls other than that were wood. The bathroom was the same yellow but with a seashell print along the wall that was once eye level with me and was now at about my waist as I pointed it out to Sylvia with the arm that wasn’t wrapped around her. There was a similar shade of yellow carpet in the living room, a small rabbit ear TV was against the wall with foil on the ears, and pictures of family spread across the room covering the walls. Most of them I could recognize but only because the same pictures had been here since I was little, I had barely seen most the people in them.159

I looked at a picture of me when I was young, I was in first grade and was smiling as wide as I could to show off the gap that is now my two front teeth. We laughed at as we looked at the picture, remembering back to when we were small, and thinking about everything that had changed since then.160

We were all tired from the day’s drive and decided to get some sleep so we all went off to bed. The next day I awoke and went out to the living room, and stood in front of the propane heater. Grandma was the only one up before me, I guess that’s where I get it. We talked about everything that had happened since last year, she seemed really interested in how football went for me. I told her I did very well this year scoring most of our touchdowns, I didn’t tell her it was simply because I was much faster than everyone else. I didn’t have much skill for it, I just knew where to go and did that faster than everyone else on the field.161

Everyone else started to wake and trickle into the living room, and in a few hours we were all seated in there with sausage and eggs cooking on the stove. My parents were going to town today to get groceries because my grandmother never needed much. My brother wanted to make sure they got the right kinds so he went to, leaving me and Sylvia here with grandma.162

Sylvia and I went around the house, just talking as I pointed out all the old memories that popped up as I saw the familiar places, all of which being practically unchanged. As we came out of the tall trees and into an opening of a large green pasture set over few small hills, I saw out in the pasture the old Arabian horses from my childhood. I would ride them every year that I was here, I rode Clover, a jet black horse when I was young because she old and the easiest. Now that I’m older I’ve been riding Clover’s daughter Lilly, she was pail white. I would never really ride any of the other horses out in the pasture.163

I brought in Clover and Lilly and tied them to a tree while I saddled them up and told Sylvia a little about how to ride. She mounted up with a boost from me, and then I let her just sit there and get the feeling of being on a horse. I then had Clover walk with Sylvia on, and had Sylvia pull the rains to turn and stop. Sylvia looked natural up on a horse, but she didn’t ride natural. After continuing this a few times and getting her up to a trot, and then even a lope, I mounted Lilly and we took off slowly.164

As we got out of the gate and into the rolling green hills we built up our speed to the lope that I had gotten Sylvia to do. I though left her as I went into a gallop and flew over the hills, returning to her side shortly having satisfied my want to take off. She was so beautiful upon Clover, I think it had something to do with the way her long brown hair flowed in the wind.165

We reached an opening in the woods and we set off on a walk down the old riding path. As we came across a small pond in the woods, I tied up the horses and we lay down upon the grass on its banks. Lying there talking to her she felt different, not quite like the same girl I had known and loved. I don’t know what it is but she just didn’t feel the same, not even when we kissed. It was still amazing, but it wasn’t the same as it had been. There were no sparks shooting through the air, and the hair on the back of my neck didn’t stand up. What had happened to her she looked different, acted different, talked different, and even felt different? 166

“Shit, your one damn good kisser.” Sylvia gasped as we stopped kissing.167

“Sylvia you shouldn’t cuss so much.” I responded.168

“I don’t give a fuck.”169

“You should, its bad enough as it is. But it also looks bad on Christians and on your mom, she works in the church.”170

“Saxon, I’m no longer a Christian.” She stunned me cold with that.171

“Wow, is this a bad joke,” I stammered.172

“Why would I joke about my religion?”173

“Because that is crazy and you wouldn’t do that.”174

“This is the truth Saxon, I believe that all gods exist in those who believe in them and that I worship none.”175

“Sylvia don’t say that, please.”176

“Saxon, I’ve been like this for a couple months.”177

“Then what does your mom have to say, I’m sure she was against it?”178

“She says that I need to find my own way, and that the Lord is working in me.”179

“How can you change when you had such a strong faith?”180

“I realized that all other religions were experiencing the same feelings as I was.”181

“No Sylvia, I talked with God the other day and he showed me the most amazing things, I don’t know what the other religions were experiencing. But I know what God did with me and I am amazed, and I cannot believe that anyone else can do that.” I realized now what I had to save Sylvia from, but when I tried to tell her about the Seraph I once again couldn’t.182

“You think I’m crazy don’t you?”183

I then remembered that she was a genius and I would have to use logic against her. “No, I respect your ideas but must disagree with your logic.”184

“Saxon, support me in this and don’t lose hope in me”185

“I will support you, and Sylvia, I have in writing that I will never lose hope in you, that much I can promise you.” With that we fell silent, and the tears began to well up in my eyes. I had just lost the girl I loved, I felt it was my job to keep her safe physically and spiritually. She was too far away for me to do physically, and spiritually I was failing. I looked deeply into her eyes, the ones I had always loved, and they were dead. I saw a vast expanse of black desert, endless, lifeless, scorching heat burned away at the cracked earth, but it burned from below. This was the same place I had seen in her eyes when I last gazed into them, but now it was barren of all life, the pond dried up and the earth cracked by the fires of Hell. Her once beautifully endless eyes are now dull and void. I looked back upon an old picture of us in my wallet, and could see the difference in her eyes, and with that I cried harder. A stream of salty tears rolled down my face, causing a pitter patter sound to ring out like rain on the ground, my tears struck the ground evenly with hers.186

It was dark when we got home so we went straight to bed not saying a word to anyone. I cried through the night, not falling asleep until the early hours of the morning. I wish I hadn’t of slept though. In my dream Sylvia and I were floating in the sky, going from cloud to cloud. Then she fell unable to float below the layer of clouds into a fiery inferno, and I was calling out to her unable to move down to catch her and save before she landed in it. It felt like I was watching the flames lick at her smooth tan skin hours. The fire crept up on her and she writhed around in the flames unable to get them off, but she wasn’t being burnt, it just felt like it. Her skin stayed perfect through the flames, though she couldn’t stop the pain that surged through her body from the fire. That night in my sleep I watched Sylvia the only woman I ever loved go into Hell.187

I awoke screaming for her, but everything swirled as my door opened and a flash of light pulled me through it. I watched as dozens of memories flew by, several nights of crying and talks with her. More like arguments now, as I tried to point out the flaws of her logic so I could save her from this fate I had seen for her. I was though, to no avail so far in my reasoning with her. I watched as time after time I would awake screaming for her, and how my parents had gotten used to it and only checked in on me the one night I didn’t dream of her.188

Then I smelt a floral fragrance as the seraph appeared before me. “Seraph,” I cried, “is this what I must save her from, if so what must I say for she won’t listen to what I am saying, nor does she find the Bible to be truth?”189

“Child, once you have been saved you are always saved.”190

“If she was saved and knew the truth, how could she change?” The seraph had already left though, and I was being plunged into the memory that changed it all.191

I snapped into place at a Christmas party later that year, it was late and the only people left were Leon, I, and a few girls from our school Arya, Shelby, and Courtney. The party had been fun, but it began to wind down and slowly die as they often do. I had been hiding all the hurt and pain caused by Sylvia from everyone, but you can’t hide forever. I had told Leon shortly after it had happened and he had done well to keep it covered. At this party though I couldn’t hold it in, somehow I was pulled off alone one by one.192

First to get me alone was Courtney, I was hesitant to tell her but she tricked it out of me. And once it started to come it just poured. I made sure not to tell too much to her though, just in case. So I gave her the basic outline of us, and I just said that Sylvia did something that really upset me. She felt sad for me and told me I should get over her and get a new girl. I just laughed.193

Next was Shelby, I didn’t hesitate as much to tell her about Sylvia and I. Though I still only told her about the same things. It was really straining my emotions though, and it was starting to really hurt even though it was a relief to talk about it. The advice Shelby had for me was the same as Courtney’s.194

Finally it was Arya, by then I was used to telling it somewhat, but I was also a little emotionally hurting by then. So once I started talking it just poured out, I opened up the flood gates and couldn’t close them back. I told her everything through a wall off tears, so much that she even cried with me. She to agreed that I needed to get over Sylvia and get a new girl, I agreed and then said something that would surprise us all.195

Barely audible from my chocked voice, soar from crying and sounding of betrayal I asked a question that burned my throat as it came out, “Arya, what better place to start over than with a friend who knows everything and wants to help, so I am asking you if you would be the one to help me get back on my feet. Understand that it will be hard for me, and it’s not like I’m falling over you. But you are pretty and a good friend, so with the understanding that this is no normal relationship and that every second with you I am thinking of Sylvia…..would you be my new girlfriend?”196

We both sat there shocked at what I said, the seconds felt like minuets as I we stared at each other, waiting to realize what was said and then process what to say next. Looking at her, she was pretty. Her black hair was shoulder length, and her skin was whiter than mine but there were many whiter than her. She was thin, and tall for a girl, about 5’7’’. She was the opposite from Sylvia, she was short with flowing brown hair. Sylvia’s body had a perfect tan and not just thin but very skinny.197

“I will,” I jumped as she broke the silence. “I will be your girlfriend, and I understand what you will be feeling.”198

“Great,” I mouthed, barely audible at all. But as I took her arm and we rejoined the party, I could feel my heart tear. That night, when I walked out of that room, I had become a traitor to the woman that I loved.199

For the rest of the party we called ourselves a couple and stayed near each other, but I couldn’t handle anymore than simply being seated on the same couch not even touching. Not even when we left, I walked Arya to the door and said goodbye, but nothing more than what could be mistaken as a friendly gesture.200

After the party, I didn’t dare tell Sylvia. We had agreed that the best thing would be to see other people but it still felt wrong to me. I know she has seen other guys, some of which being far from what I would want her with. Especially the ones lately, but still I feel wrong for doing this. She kissed me whilst dating another guy, I wouldn’t have let her if I’d of known before, but she did. I still feel terrible for this, so I am not yet going to tell her unless it changes.201

Summer days went by and same as usual I talked to a lot of people, I even scheduled a date with Arya to go to the movies. I didn’t care for the movie, it was some chick flick called “Kate’s last love”, but I know that that is what I should do as the guy in the relationship and I was going to try my best to get this to work. No matter how badly I felt, if I could ever get past that feeling I would be freed of all my hurt and my emotional limits.202

I had gotten my license just the day before the party, on my birthday. So I was able to drive Arya and myself to the movie in my car. A 71’ Volkswagen Karman Ghia, I had worked a part time job all last summer and so far through this so I had the money to buy it. It runs though its not in the best shape. I had enough money left over to put a brilliant shade of viper blue on the car, I even had metallic flake put in the paint so that it glitters in the light.203

We arrived at the local theater with a little time to spare, so I bought us a snack though she didn’t want me to pay for hers I did. I also paid for her movie ticket and the popcorn and drink for her at the movie, all against her wishes. The movie itself wasn’t to my liking, but that didn’t matter because my mind was reeling about Sylvia the whole time. Especially because after a few minutes I put my arm around her, allowing her head to rest on my chest, I gently breathed in and out though she must have felt my bleeding heart race as I fought the urge to give up and just fall back in to my stupor over Sylvia. I wanted return to my hurt and pain, knowing that I was choosing to live in it instead of fighting through this one moment, but I didn’t.204

I sat there with her head on me, my body rigid as I fought back thoughts of Sylvia. The movie went on like this for two hours, and then we got up and left. It was as simple as that, but that was a leap for me. I showed that I was going to try my best to make this work that night. In that theater I decided to go through with this and try to get over Sylvia.205

In the car home we talked a little, but it was over trivial things or just about the movie which I paid no attention to. Actually I think it was just her talking most of the time. I would have put the radio on, but the car doesn’t have one, yet.206

I once again walked her to her door and this time hugged her good bye, it was a big hug too. Not just like friends do sometimes, this was a real hug. Then I left, and our first real date was over. Just like that I had made it through the first night of self torture.207

And as my little engine quietly purred into life, everything spun and I was once again pulled in through the light. There I was in this tunnel, in this strange passageway, endless as it appears it must be taking me somewhere. I lost track of that thought though as I saw the memory of another date, much like the first no easier yet still I pushed myself a little further. There were several more dates, all hurting and hard. All filled with me trying to make it work, pushing myself further, buying her roses and jewelry, doing whatever the best possible boyfriend would do. I was, by all unemotional means, far better than Romeo. Romance was the game and I was the champion, though still I felt no love, the only change is that I was getting used to the pain now.208

I then snapped into life, it was a few months later. School would be starting up in a few weeks, and on her way back from a camp Sylvia was able to stop in and see me. It all started off the same, we hugged, and she cried, it hurt, she finally stopped and we continued on.209

It was after that that it changed, she tried to kiss me as I wanted to do. But I stopped her because I was dating Arya, it was bad enough that I feel for Sylvia whilst holding Arya. That alone made me feel like a horrible person, that was against my standard. That was too much like cheating by my morals, if I did kiss Sylvia then I was cheating by anyone’s morals and I would never cheat on anyone.210

So I told Sylvia, “Sylvia, for the past couple months I have been dating this girl, Arya. And I can’t kiss you when dating her, it’s just not right.” I fought back tears once again while telling her this, but I let one roll down my cheek as I saw her start crying. I could hear her heart tearing, I could feel her becoming even voider. How can dating someone to get over her be the right thing? All it has caused is a lot of pain and struggle for me, and now heart ache for Sylvia. What good has come from this?211

Sylvia didn’t respond to what I said, she sat there, most likely shocked, and then left. She should have known that I would get a girl eventually, that I couldn’t just hold out on her alone. She had gotten other guys so what difference does it make?212

Just like that I was pulled into the mysterious tunnel of light. The memories were of many more dates same as before and phone calls with Sylvia that were shorter and less lively. They were made more out of habit now than anything else. Then I was pulled into a dark and vivid memory.213

I was sitting at my computer checking my email. I had a couple spam messages and one from a prayer chain telling me that old man Johnson was out of the hospital and doing well. Then I got to one from Sylvia, it read this.214

Dear Saxon,215

You have always been there for me and I now realize how you felt when I dated other guys. I have gone for a month feeling this thinking it would go away but the pain hasn’t, I can’t handle keeping it. I’m so sorry for the pain that I must have caused you.216

Also, I found out that I do have a dad. He wasn’t in the military, he was in a gang. He didn’t die, he is alive and has always been. He just didn’t want me, and he still doesn’t want me.217

I have just been slowing everyone down and causing problems in their lives. I see now that you will all be better off without me. I want to tell you this live but if I do you would stop me. So know that I love you and I’m sorry to say but this my last goodbye. I know it is our last goodbye because I know that nothing exists past this, and you think that there is Heaven and Hell. If you are right, then there is no way that they would let someone like me into Heaven so I will go to Hell as I would want. I don’t want to be in Heaven in a place where everyone has condemned all who don’t believe to an intolerable fate. And you would most certainly go to Heaven.218

Goodbye Saxon, you have been better to me than anyone could ever be. Tell Arya she is lucky to have you and that my ghost will haunt her ass and then kill it if she hurts you.219

Even in death I love you,220

Sylvia Greer221

I sat staring at the letter reading it over and at least 100 times. Trying to find somewhere where she said this was a horrible joke, a prank with no humor. It didn’t, and then the reality set in that she was planning to commit suicide. I thought my first reaction would be to collapse into some sort of shock. Instead I called her and didn’t get an answer.222

I constantly redialed leaving a brief message begging her not to every time she didn’t answer, while grabbing things. I grabbed my wallet and my keys, then my jacket as I ran out the door and got in my car. I then sped out of the driveway and down the road well over the limit.223

It was several hundred miles to her house in Little Rock, my car had half a tank and when I opened my wallet there was a couple hundred dollars from the paycheck I cashed the day before. My car got about seventeen miles per gallon, but the way I was driving it would be more like 12 or 10. I didn’t like those numbers much. Gas was over four dollars, that gave me five to six hundred miles. More than likely that isn’t enough though I wasn’t sure.224

I didn’t care though, Sylvia was in danger and there was no time to wait, so I sped off toward Little Rock as fast as I could. My mind was reeling the whole time, why is she doing this? Why wouldn’t her dad want her? Why wouldn’t anyone want her? I couldn’t figure out why she was doing any of this.225

I do know what I really have to save her from though, I thought I was saving her from betraying God. Really He is sending me to save her life so that she has time to come back to Him. I understand now, the Seraph didn’t answer me as to what to say to her because I need not say anything. The seraph told me not to hesitate, and I haven’t. He said the only way to save her is to not hesitate and so I am going all out as fast as I can to save her. I didn’t know that Satan planned to slow me down as much as possible.226

About 35 miles out I was running low on the gas that I had already put in my car, and so I pulled in to a gas station in some little town. I pumped my car its full at the rate four dollars and three cents a gallon. Then went in to pay the cashier for the gas, I picked me out a Gatorade and some muffins to eat on the way, the best food there for a cross-country runner as myself.227

Then when I went back out to my car, it was gone. Someone had stolen my car while I was in there paying for the gas and getting some food to eat on the way. I then realized Satan was going to put up a fight to keep Sylvia, but I was ready to take the gloves off and fight hard core.228

So in my faded blue jeans and my white zip-up hoodie, I took off running. I was in the best shape of my life and though I wasn’t wearing running clothes I was still a good cross-country runner. The cold winter air burned my lungs as I ran but I didn’t care, I was determined to get to her.229

With Jesus pushing me along I made surprisingly good time, stopping for a quick brake every now and then at gas stations to get a drink. I just hopped that I would make it quick enough. Station after station I pressed on towards Little Rock.230

Finally at one station a truck driver offered me a ride in that direction, he was actually going all the way through little rock and could drop me off close by. His name was Marques Johnson, he had been a truck driver almost all of his life, though he is only thirty-four. He didn’t have a wife or kids or even a girlfriend, yea he was a large man. But he wasn’t a trashy redneck as many the drivers round here are. He seemed to be a good man from what I could see, and I am actually surprised as to where he is in life.231

He began to ask me about where I’m going and why a sophomore is running alone in the winter a few weeks before I am to get out for Christmas break. So I began to tell him my story, I started at the beginning and told him everything. He politely let me finish my story as to where I am before he began to argue with me.232

“So you are one of them Jesus freaks are you?” he asked.233

“Yea,” I replied defensively, “He saved me and saved us all. He died on a cross for us.”234

“Yea right he died on the cross for us, there is no God. It’s all false.”235

“No it’s not, He did die for us, and He is bringing me to Arkansas.”236

“You can tell yourself that kid, but that’s just your way of hiding from reality.”237

“Reality, you are hiding. You don’t want to accept the fact you are a sinner. That you screwed up, Jesus doesn’t care what you did or do. He still loves you.”238

“Don’t try and tell me this crap. I can get wherever I need without some Jesus guy.”239

“Then how is it that I am doing better than you in life and I’m only a sophomore.”240

“If you’re doing so much better then take yourself to Little Rock, just call Jesus and ask him to fly you there on a cloud or something!”241

“If you are to mock my Savior then I shall go on my own. I am not going to ride with those who ridicule the Lord.” With that he pulled over and I jumped out on the side of the highway.242

Watching his truck take off I started up a jog again, I was now right outside of Texarkana. About 150 miles left to Little Rock, I felt I would never make it there. Until a cab came by and I got in it, it was strange a cab coming by and picking me up on the highway. There it was though, it was a nice little cab. The driver just had a wonderful persona about him. He was the kind of person you trusted as soon as you climbed in. and he had Christian music playing on the radio.243

As he drove off he asked, “Where to Mr….”244

“Rivary, my name is Saxon Rivary, and I would like to go to Little Rock.”245

“Then to Little Rock I go.”246

“Thank you, I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name what was it?”247

“Cloud Simmers is my name, but just call me Cloud.”248

“Cloud?”249

“Yea, my parents were hippies.”250

“I think it’s a very fitting name.”251

“Thank you Mr. Rivary.”252

“Oh, you can just call me Saxon. I’m too young to be called a mister.”253

“Okay then Saxon.”254

“Cloud, I only have eighty-three dollars and nine cents left. How far will that get me?”255

“It will get you as far as I need to take you Saxon.” That was the end of our conversation. The rest of the ride was spent just listening to the wonderful music. With every song that played I felt better and better about making it in time to save Sylvia. I have spent over two days without sleep, and so now I drifted into a light peaceful sleep as the music swirled around me like a sweet lullaby. Before I did though I wrote something down on a piece of paper to give to Sylvia.256

I awoke refreshed on the edge of Little Rock, it was dark and raining. The sound of thunder is what jolted me conscious. “This is it Saxon, I can go no further.” He said and gave me a white English Alba rose for her, the rose by which any other name Shakespeare wrote about. They don’t even grow in North America.257

“Thank you Cloud,” I smiled as I got out of the car. He turned it around and headed back down the highway to save another lost soul. I faced the city from a hill overlooking the busy town, in the rain it was just a big blur of neon lights. But I could still tell where I was in the city and knew which roads went to Sylvia’s house.258

So I took off at a sprint, I felt rejuvenated from my sleep and so was flying through the city. People were staring at me as I dashed by without even slowing, I was almost there and though my muscles ached and I was exhausted. I was filled with the power to go on.259

I took a right then a left, everywhere I was going was just instinctual. In minutes I was on her road. “Sylvia!” I yelled, “Sylvia, please don’t be too late, Sylvia!”260

“Saxon?!” came her confused reply. “Saxon!” she cried back as she swung open the door stepping in to the street with me. I was only twenty or thirty feet from her, I could see the pistol in her hand. She really had planned to kill herself. But I made it in time to stop her. She started to run to me to, realizing how stupid suicide was she dropped the gun on the ground and bang. I collapsed to the ground just a few feet from her. Within a second she was on top of me.261

“Saxon!” she cried, her words slurred by the pouring rain, I could feel her hands sliding across my wet cheeks. I could hear, between the claps of earth shattering thunder, her heart breaking cry. And I could feel her beautiful head buried into my chest, her wet hair plastered to her face, but there was nothing I could do to sooth her. I wanted to hold her in my arms, tell her everything was okay, as I had come so far to do. But now lying at her feet in the middle of the street, isolated and alone, I couldn’t. I tried to tell her what I so desperately came to do, I tried to give her the rose in my left hand and the note in my right but I couldn’t. The rain washed warm blood across us both from the wound, it went right through my heart.262

With all the strength I could muster I took a deep breath and gasped out in a shaken a fragile voice, “I promised you I would never lose hope in you. I also said that if you were to leave me alone you would take my heart with you, I just didn’t know it was this literal”, I gave a weak chuckle but it turned into coughs as I blood ran from my mouth. “Live out your life without me if I don’t make it, and try to love another man, but find a good Christian boy. I may leave you soon, but Jesus never will so please stick with him.” I took the biggest lung full of air as I could so that I could say, “I love you.” Then I couldn’t take another breath and slipped unconscious, blood still pouring from heart.263

Sylvia used her cell to call 911 and I was care flighted to the nearest hospital. The doctors rushed me in and would not let anyone in for hours. So Sylvia called my parents as well as her mom. They all came as soon as they could.264

Sylvia stayed curled up in a ball crying into the chair in the waiting room. It was 30 minutes before her mom got there and at least 3 hours before my parents made it. She didn’t move when they showed up though, she was practically in shock. She wouldn’t talk to anyone wouldn’t say anything, then the nurse finally came out to talk to them and Sylvia got up and listened.265

“Saxon was shot by a nine mm bullet, it hit him in the heart. We have given him several blood transfusions and done everything we could. It’s too late though, I’m sorry but Saxon is dead.”266

“No,” Sylvia gasped, collapsing to her knees. “He can’t be dead. Take me to him now.” The doctor did allow them in, he showed them the room and then left.267

There I was laying on the hospital bed, my hoodie was stained red and ripped open so that the doctor could get to my heart and place the neat white bandage over it. My clothes were soaked from the rain yet I had dried blood all over my arms and face. 268

My parents couldn’t handle it so Ms. Greer took them out and comforted them. Sylvia stayed on her knees by the side of the bed. With tears still streaming down her cheeks she took the rose from my left hand, its perfect white color was swirled with blood red stains. From my other hand she took the note, splattered with blood and dyed red all on the right side it read.269

I saw you cry a tear of gold,270

It cut my heart and burned my soul,271

To comfort you was my only want,272

To ease your pain was my only thought,273

But In the end I caused it all,274

Yes in the end it’s all my fault,275

Today I cried a tear of gold,276

Because today is the day that you sold your soul,277

But I’ll buy it back for any price,278

I’ll do whatever it takes to save your life.279

I’ll cross mountains and swim overseas,280

I’ll spend days praying upon my knees,281

Waiting for the day you come back to me,282

The choice is yours and yours alone,283

But Jesus is coming to take up his throne.284

So please don’t take long because your clock is running,285

And at anytime He could call you home,286

Then what will you say when you stand at those gates,287

Will you welcome Hell just as you forbade,288

Or will you go into Heaven for once you too were saved.289

Jesus is waiting and so am I,290

For the day that together we three shall fly,291

Together we cry tears of gold,292

Don’t make us cry until we’re old.293

She dropped her head on my dead body after that, she cried her tears onto my already cold skin and whispered, “I love you too.” Then the doctors came in and pulled her away from me. Her mom said it was time to go home and set up a room for my parents.294

I saw all this as memories in the tunnel, yes that is where I now am. Back in this mysterious tunnel, as I fly along I watch the memory of my funeral.295

I see everyone outside by the freshly dug grave, my casket lying open as a gentle breeze ruffles the suit I am in. Everyone is there and crying, I see my mom leaning into my dad’s shoulder. I see Leon, Kaitlyn, Arya, Courtney, and other friends. I can see the truck driver Marques, he is now saved and preaches over the speaker to everyone as he drives with his girlfriend who he eventually asks to marry him. I see all my family members that I have hardly seen as well as many other people I have known. I especially see Sylvia, she is staring at my body. It doesn’t look like she has stopped crying since I died, she has massive shadows under eyes, appears exhausted from lack of sleep. As well as her eyes are red from trying to bring tears to empty eyes, she has cried herself dry and yet is still streaming out tears. She rededicated her life to Christ though, before the funeral ceremony she had my preacher baptize her. It may be a sad day for everyone else, but I have finally seen my goal accomplished.296

As I watch my friends place the casket in the ground and then start to shovel dirt upon it, Sylvia sings to me with her once again angelic voice. She sings me Amazing Grace.297

Then no more memories are coming, it’s an empty tunnel now. No, further on it’s getting brighter and brighter, I can see the end, It’s a gate or pearls. Heaven, there I am standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter calls to me, “Saxon Rivary, you have done everything the Lord has asked of you and though you have sinned you followed Jesus in baptism and have been saved by His almighty grace. Step in to Heaven child, and cast your crowns to Him for you have earned them.”298