Soliloquy

Eloquence fails me.1

Eloquence? What is eloquence? It is but a dark glass by which too many things are seen.2

My life has gone to hell.3

That is a lie. My life could hardly be better. The life of some of those around me has gone to hell, and I am utterly and wholly to blame. The way in which the people around me affect, and are affected by me has gone to hell. My life has not gone to hell, but I am the hell-creator; I am not diseased, but carry the disease and feel the effects it has on some of those around me. And terrifying is this thin which bears no other name than power. Full terrible, this thing that is another person's infatuation.4

"Infatuation?" That term is of derision. How dare I judge another person's life and emotion? How dare I call shallow these waters I can't even see? Nay, I will give the term that I myself was given by she who lives within those waters: "love".5

But once again, I do not fully explain; I do not leave a meaning, but multiple meanings. For she, on the one hand, labelled what she felt as "love", while the other labelled what she felt as "in that special way".6

So many ways to say one thing; which way leaves no arbitrary meaning?7

Two girls8

Girls? What am I, a pre-adolescent? Use a word, not an obscurity.9

Two ladies, I imagine, feel just now as though I had led them by the hand, and suddenly abandoned them; and suddenly said "Affection is too great a burden"; and suddenly deserted what one lady called "love" and another "like(for I may not love but I may like)"(at least, those were her words).10

Two ladies, one who, I imagine, believes that I had been pursuing her since the beginning of September; another who has been pursuing me since almost a year ago(and whom I had rejected until the dance on September's last day, when I attempted to explain my inability to love her by the terribly chosen words "I love you now, but that is not a thing that lasts; love is not an emotion that I can retain; In a couple of hours, when I no longer feel your presence, who can say what my regard for you will be?" Alas, she heard the first three words, and comprehended nothing else.)11

"Alas?" I make it sound as though it's her fault. That's a lie! The blame is mine for not thinking of the words which fell from my mouth; for not conceiving that she might misunderstand me! Mea maxima culpa!12

But then there is the other lady. She asked me but a week ago if I liked her in "that special way". And what was my foolish answer but the truth as it appeared to me. I said "Basically, I do not know myself well enough to say that I do."13

A Fool!!! A fool am I! Did I not say, before those words "My affection for you is that which an 8th grade boy might name as "love" ... My affection is such as would be named "that special way" by anyone except myself."14

I deserve the worst of guilt my seemingly self-centered soul can bring upon itself!15

I should have taken action when she replied "Exactly what I needed to hear!"16

"Should have"? "Should" have??!! All that matters is that I didn't, and now myself and two ladies are suffering the consequences of my pathetic attempt at making everything cease.17

Surely, all of this was stupid; but nothing compares to how I broke the dam of selfish apathy to she to whom the words "I do not know myself" were felt as "Yes". Not enough tears can be shed for the effects of my stupidity; of my saying "I am torn in 3 ways. I am being torn between my experience of one lady, of another lady, and of normal, rote life. The only choice I can make is normal, rote life. Affection is too great a burden."18

How could I ever have thought that they'd understand? How could I ever have thought that a withdrawal into the empty shell of myself was even a possibility?19

I was a fool, and now I pay the consequences.20

"I" pay the consequences? "I" am not the only one to pay!! Others suffer from my actions! "I" am an abomination for that!!21

For the first time, I feel empathy.22

For the first time, there is nowhere to run from the pain.23