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The lake was silent.2
Hours Away, lights blaring, an ambulance methodically swept a fresh pileup out of its way in its flight. Its quota was met for now.3
The lake remained silent.4
Up on a narrow hill, a train sped by. Not a passenger gave the lake to their left even a moment's notice.5
Unperturbed, the lake stayed silent.6
Surrounding it, nearby, the sprawl of metropolis made pathways for its citizens to rush from one place to another.7
The lake was still silent.8
Somewhere different entirely, a fork-trunked tree grows out of a sea of concrete. The last, yellow, browning leaves cling on for dear life. Their companions were already gliding with the wind, swimming around their creator.9
The lake breathed a silent sigh of relief...10
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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yea, this was a little attempt at fiction before I was serious about it, or for that matter, had much understanding of it. It was meant to be the prologue to a Kurt Vonnegut-inspired novel. never went anywhere. This is mainly up for old time's sake.
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In all honesty I don’t think there is enough here to make any real judgement on – the choppiness can be good or bad, deepening on why, what and how comes next. The important thing is to grab the reader and this tiny blurb did that, but I would read more than this before I decided to buy the book so…
In the main I find the ‘starts’ to be by far the easiest and crunch point is usually around 30K – if you haven’t carefully plotted that’s when it will bite your arse – big time!
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in case it didnt seem sincere enough ive been having i rough night, but thanks soo much for the comment
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i know it seems unneccesary and choppy and akward and all that and im so thankful for your enormous and thoughtful comment but the current formatting is rather important
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I like this. If it’s meant to be used as a preface to the rest of your story I think it works well. The visuals are enticing and the piece as a whole has an element of intrigue that leaves me wanting more, an excellent method of drawing the reader in. I do have one suggestion. The repetition of this one line ('the lake was silent') seems to me a bit unnecessary and competes with the rest of your visual description. I would suggest removing the 2nd and 4th line and leaving only one break in the middle and the ones at the very beginning and very end. I don’t know, just a thought. This is defiantly off to a good start.
The lake was silent.
Hours Away, lights blaring, an ambulance methodically swept a fresh pileup out of its way in its flight. Its quota was met for now. Up on a narrow hill, a train sped by. Not a passenger gave the lake to their left even a moment's notice.
The lake remained silent.
Nearby, the surrounding sprawl of the metropolis made pathways for its citizens to rush from one place to another. Somewhere different entirely, a fork-trunked tree grows out of a sea of concrete. The last, yellow, browning leaves cling on for dear life. Their companions were already gliding with the wind, swimming around their creator.
The lake breathed a silent sigh of relief...
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i agree it is choppy but there's a purpose. the lake is essentialy going to end up being the climax of the story. i won't reveal too much about the book. However, it is planned as a poetic satire of sorts. the choppiness is being used to set the visual and lingual stage for what i plan in the rest of the book. however if you have any ideas on how to make it a bit smoother i will definatley look at them as long as they don't alter it too much (this is the introduction and impt to setting the stage)
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Honestly; (and don't take this too hard since you did ask me to comment) I don't like it. It's choppy, sort of broken up. The diction is extremely cumbersome. What I do like is the imagery; that was well done. And I can understand what you're getting at here... the message is a good one. and one i understand well enough... i just think it could be done a little smoother.
but then again, this is just my opinion.
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