Loud noise thundered within the Great Chamber as members of the Elaeyn council slammed their fists upon the hardened stone benches that resembled stairs climbing the marble walls. “Layon! Layon! Layon!” They chanted over and over again, the cause of the outrage, a man… a King, with his hands tied behind his back stood in the center of the room faced the dais where the Elaeyn King sat. With his head bowed, Broderick prayed that they would at least let him defend himself against their accusations. On and on they chanted the phrase together until a loud horn blew, calling for silence. King Amon lightly tapped his fingers on the armrests of the throne, as he looked around the room at the council, finally standing he spoke with calm authority.
“My elaeyn council you have charged this man with a serious crime and I will not ignore the law, but we must also give him a chance to answer for his actions over the last three weeks for that too is our way. Will you abide by my decision?” 1
Around the room light murmurs of acceptance could be heard as the council took their seats. King Amon nodded in satisfaction.
“Is there anyone who will speak as witness for this neighboring King?”
From the second row up an elaeyn stood and nodded, “I will my lord.”
Everyone turned their eyes on the elaeyn who would speak for the unworthy. “Thank you, Eliahkin.”2
Calmly Eliahkin rose from his seat and beckoned with a hand... his fiery brown eyes studied the room as he began to smile. His grayish black hair was pulled back in a long braid and was hidden by his cowl.
“If the king will permit I would like to speak first.” Eliahkin tilted his head in Broderick’s direction and Broderick bowed in answer. In no time at all Eliahkin made his way down the steps and walked over to Broderick, motioning for him to sit in a chair that appeared behind him.
“For what I have to say some may want to know whence this knowledge is come, but may I remind you that I am the Historian and Keeper over this realm. All of my accounts are true.”3
~4
The wind blew against the Master Watcher as he scaled the walls of the Great Palace. The sleeping king on his back moaned as the watcher, finding the window he was looking for, jumped into the room and pulled Broderick off of his back and on to a table in the rooms center. Over in the corner by the door a hunched over elaeyn sat mixing a balsam, the elder smiled, without lifting his head he spoke to his guest. “Ah, Esignoi, I was wondering when you would show up. Your students are too destructive when they are supposed to be watching the forest boundaries not attacking our brothers from neighboring cities, but this one is not of us, he must be human.” Esignoi smiled and bowed to the healer. “You always seem to know the life form of your patients before ever examining them.”5
“That’s because every life form has a energy,” the healer grunted as he stood up and walked over to the table. “And that energy differs as life does. With an elaeyn, the energy is colourful, giving off the feeling of unpredictability even when one is unconscious. Human energy feels reserved even though there is more to their power than they know. They live within limits where as we, the elaeyn do not.” 6
“Well this human will not live, limits or no if you do not help him.”7
Nodding to Esignoi’s words the healer picked up a knife and cut open Broderick’s blood and dirt stained tunic and examined his chest and side. “Now Esignoi, what does the man want?”8
Esignoi had turned back towards the window, “He was asking to see the queen – let me know when you’ve done with him.” 9
“My elaeyn council you have charged this man with a serious crime and I will not ignore the law, but we must also give him a chance to answer for his actions over the last three weeks for that too is our way. Will you abide by my decision?” 1
Around the room light murmurs of acceptance could be heard as the council took their seats. King Amon nodded in satisfaction.
“Is there anyone who will speak as witness for this neighboring King?”
From the second row up an elaeyn stood and nodded, “I will my lord.”
Everyone turned their eyes on the elaeyn who would speak for the unworthy. “Thank you, Eliahkin.”2
Calmly Eliahkin rose from his seat and beckoned with a hand... his fiery brown eyes studied the room as he began to smile. His grayish black hair was pulled back in a long braid and was hidden by his cowl.
“If the king will permit I would like to speak first.” Eliahkin tilted his head in Broderick’s direction and Broderick bowed in answer. In no time at all Eliahkin made his way down the steps and walked over to Broderick, motioning for him to sit in a chair that appeared behind him.
“For what I have to say some may want to know whence this knowledge is come, but may I remind you that I am the Historian and Keeper over this realm. All of my accounts are true.”3
~4
The wind blew against the Master Watcher as he scaled the walls of the Great Palace. The sleeping king on his back moaned as the watcher, finding the window he was looking for, jumped into the room and pulled Broderick off of his back and on to a table in the rooms center. Over in the corner by the door a hunched over elaeyn sat mixing a balsam, the elder smiled, without lifting his head he spoke to his guest. “Ah, Esignoi, I was wondering when you would show up. Your students are too destructive when they are supposed to be watching the forest boundaries not attacking our brothers from neighboring cities, but this one is not of us, he must be human.” Esignoi smiled and bowed to the healer. “You always seem to know the life form of your patients before ever examining them.”5
“That’s because every life form has a energy,” the healer grunted as he stood up and walked over to the table. “And that energy differs as life does. With an elaeyn, the energy is colourful, giving off the feeling of unpredictability even when one is unconscious. Human energy feels reserved even though there is more to their power than they know. They live within limits where as we, the elaeyn do not.” 6
“Well this human will not live, limits or no if you do not help him.”7
Nodding to Esignoi’s words the healer picked up a knife and cut open Broderick’s blood and dirt stained tunic and examined his chest and side. “Now Esignoi, what does the man want?”8
Esignoi had turned back towards the window, “He was asking to see the queen – let me know when you’ve done with him.” 9
Author notes
this is only a part of the chapter - let me know what you think
what I'm looking for is whether the transition in this chapter flows together or doesn't quite fit.
Layon: death
Esignoi (ee-SIG-no- EYE)
Eliahkin (ee-LIE-ah-kin)
Broderick (BROAD-er-rick)
Amon (AY-mon)
What would you have done different?
Comments
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The concept is good, but the beginning doesn't draw me in, if they are accusing him of something worthy of death start in a more exciting scene to pull the reader in. Everything else is good.

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Thanks for the read.
I think it would help if (if you're looking for a pull of a kind) to read the prologue first - but thanks I'm in the process of rewriting this so I'll work on the opening.
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-“My elaeyn council you have charged this man with a serious crime and I will not ignore the law, but we must also give him a chance to answer for his actions over the last three weeks for that too is the law. Will you abide by my decision?” - elaeyn council I think, should be capitalized, and it doesn't sound right when you repeat 'law'. "...for that too is the law." That doesn't sound right, especially after you already said something was 'the law'. You could try using a pronoun instead.
-master watcher- If its a title it should be capitalized.
-our students are to destructive- 'to' should be 'too'.
-“Well this human will not live, limits or no is you do not help him.”7- 'is' should be 'if'.
Okay, if you ask me, you've put in too many facts and not enough introductions. For instance, I believe you were trying to give us the King of elaeyn's name is Broderick? Still, I'm not sure. You introduced people too quickly and with their names its very hard to follow. My advice to you is to write proper introductions to them all, so that it would be much easier to follow and readers will be able to grasp it much easier.
Now, I DO like the whole concept, a King has been put to trial? Very interesting and I also do like how you put the future - The King going on trial - and then having a witness going up to tell his accounts, only then having the story jump back to when it all started.
This whole concept seems very interesting! Congrats!beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks So Much!
This story is actually my school work - I have to write a full short story and I'm extremely jumpy hence my mistakes. But I'm so thankful for the critique, I haven't been writing for a while so starting back - everything is hard all over again. Thanks again.
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