he sure aint a eskamo

The excitement was building in Murphy’s chest. “Three more minutes and I get to leave this frustrating place” he thought to himself as he picked up the block of sharp cheddar cheese, and headed for the freezer. He got about half way when his cell phone started to ring. He set the heavy block of cheese down on the counter, and started digging into his pocket to try and retrieve his phone. Feeling the small metal object in his hand he pulled it out quickly and held it to his ear. “Hello”? No one was there. “Man I really need to get this thing fixed” he thought while dropping the useless phone back in his pocket, and grabbing the cheese again. 1

He finished walking to the freezer. His fist balled around the door. Right away he could feel the cold take over his hand, and proceed to go up his arm. He swung open the heavy door and walked in with the intention of getting out quickly, due to the very cold temperature. Reaching the shelf that held all of the cheese he bent down. As soon as the cheese hit the rack he heard the deafening sound of the door clicking shut behind him.2

Murphy froze as soon as the sound hit his ears. “How could I be so stupid” he thought to himself “I forgot to put something in front of the door”. Then it struck him. How is he going to get out? Every one is gone fore the day. There’s no one here to find him.3

Out of instinct he ran straight for the door. Reaching it he began to push furiously with no intention of actually being able to open it. After a few minutes of pushing Murphy stepped about 4 feet away from the door. Putting his feet in a charging position, he began to run. With all his momentum and strength he threw his left shoulder at the door.4

The impact made no noise, he just slid slowly to the floor with his right hand tightly gripping his left shoulder.5

His arm grew tired, and he let it leave his bruised shoulder. The small percentage of hope he had was gone. He felt alone, like there was no one else on earth. “At least I wont starve to death” he though; trying to cheer himself up. But It didn’t work. He figured he had about another hour until he’d freeze to death. Sitting on the uncomfortable cold floor of the freezer he began to think. His life was passing before his eyes. He knew he would end up dying in this freezing box that smells like rotting fish. He could now feel his whole body getting numb. Sleep crept into his mind, and slowly he began to close eyes. But before total darkness took its toll on his eyes his phone began to ring. His heart stopped, and before he could think his eyes were wide open. “I’m so stupid” he said out loud. All hope returned to him, and he furiously reached his hand into his pocket. His fingers clung to the cellular devise. “Hello” the words left his voice as if he was going to talk to the grim reaper. Nothing. “No” screaming on the top of his lungs, he started to breath faster. Quickly he decided to push the redial button, and put the phone back to his ear. It turned off completely.6

The phone hit the wall with so much force that a piece came back and struck Murphy in the arm. Anger was all he felt. Adrenaline was racing through his blood. He stood up and started punching the door furiously. After the third hit you could hear the breaking of his bones. The pain came quickly, and he screamed with all the strength that was left in his body.7

He was back on the floor, but the atmosphere was different. Blood flowed from his knuckles, and froze as soon as it hit the floor, but he felt no pain, he felt nothing due to the numbness. Murphy’s eyes became heavy. He had no other choice but to close them. Falling into a deep sleep he knew that he’d never wake up. 8

What did you think? Please comment!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • not bad

    It could use some work and isn't probably the most amazing thing i've read but you definitly have a good plot idea and being locked in a freezer, i would be freaked out too. Try to give him some more normal reactions though, i doubt many people would punch the wall till they broke a bone in their growing fatigue, but i may be wrong. With a few changes to how he was locked in there (maybe with some more emphasis in places) and to his attempts. Definitly keep in mind that people don't fall into cold-induced sleep that quickly, but that depends on how cold the freezer was. I enjoy your endeavor, but story seemed a tad bit rushed. Revise this story and i feel you could have a very good first chapter on your hands.


  • Godsaved
    July 26, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    good

    it was sad but i liked it

  • hypa
    July 26, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    1/2

    it was crap, very stupid and never read anything any more boring

    beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.

  • hypa
    July 26, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    1/5

  • poetic freedom
    July 12, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    wow.


  • Cyber Artist Moderators member
    October 7, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    What a great story sad and very brave of you not to make it a happy ending someone’s going to have health and safety climbing all over them well done an imaginative read.
    Paul


  • Trenchmouth silver member
    October 7, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    whoa....kick ass! yeah, now i know to stay away from big effin' freezers. awesome story Kate, i hope you get a good grade on this!
    s and s
    ~Arachne

1 - 7 of 7