It's like I'm drowning in a wave of negative emotions...

I had just gotten off work and was on my way home. Everything was pretty normal, I had a good day and there wasn’t anything to fret about. But as I was driving home I felt my mood begin to slip. My thoughts started to become more negative and a little bit of depression began to wash over me. 1

I tried to dismiss it the best I could and when I got home I did the usual routine of picking up the mail and greeting my two wonderful dogs. They always know how to make me feel better. I smile and pet them and get lots of kisses. 2

Nothing in the mail was for me. Typical, I think and comfortably settle down on my bed and pull out my laptop. It loads up fairly quickly and before too long I am already surfing the web and checking all my emails and favorite websites. Yahoo messenger pops up and my heart flutters slightly when I see my boyfriend’s screen name signed on. 3

I quickly bring up a private instant messenger. 4

Hyperactive (me): Hey baby!5

Oblivious (him): Hi. 6

Hyperactive: What’s up?7

Oblivious: Nothing, how are you?8

Hyperactive: I’m alright, want to hang out?9

Even as I type this I feel the depression closing in on me. I quickly dismiss it not wanting it to overwhelm me like I knew it very well could do. 10

Oblivious: Sure, but later tonight?11

My chest aches a little but I understand. 12

Hyperactive: Sure, that’s fine. I’m suddenly feeling really depressed, hun, I wish you were here…13

Oblivious: Maybe we shouldn’t hang out tonight…14

That was all it took for my emotions to spin out of control. Tears began to well up in my eyes and my chest started to burn. 15

Hyperactive: What do you mean? Why do you always have to run from this!16

I wait for a response and nothing pops up. I start to hyperventilate and my eyes fog over with tears. It hurt so much I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to curl up in a ball and I wanted to attack with a vengeance. Why when I need him most does he avoid me?? Doesn’t he care?? 17

Hyperactive: Whatever, I don’t need you! I don’t!!18

Hyperactive: Why can’t you ever just say something reassuring or something to make me feel better! I tell you how I feel because I need someone to lean on, not to run away!19

I click the BUZZ feature on the Instant messenger a good amount of times and still did not receive a reply. 20

I am still hyperventilating and I am now completely sobbing. So many negative thoughts are attacking me from every angle and I push my laptop down and curl up into a ball. I feel so helpless, vulnerable, hurt and angry. 21

Suddenly, that anger pushes me to action. I swipe up my cell phone and storm out into the garage where no one in my house can hear me talk. I call my boyfriend and demand to know why he isn’t answering me and why he is being so cruel and mean to me. 22

He answers: Hello?23

Trying to control my sobs I say: Why aren’t you answering me?24

He replies: What, on the computer? I walked away to get a bowl of cereal. Why? Did you send me a message?25

Immediately guilt and a slice of reality plunge into my chest. The overwhelming anger and sadness vanishes in the blink of an eye and I am left facing the consequences of my irrational actions. 26

I hear him click open our conversation and read the long line of messages I sent him. He reads it aloud and with each line I shrink even more inside of myself. 27

“Wow,” he said and I could hear the surprise in his voice. “This is why I suggested we don’t hang out. I didn’t even do anything right now and you freaked out.”28

I sniffle on the other line, prepared to defend myself a little bit. “Well it hurts that you always avoid me when I feel this way.”29

He sighs on the other line. “Baby, I do that because I know that if I have a bad day and I do anything to upset you even a little bit, we could end up in a huge argument that will ruin our night. It’s not that I don’t care, I just want to avoid a possibly bad situation.” 30

I nod even though I know he can’t see me. “I understand… but I need you right now.”31

“Okay,” he says, thinking on his feet. “Why don’t we plan to hang out and if anything on my end goes wrong we can hang out tomorrow instead.”32

This is a true account and while it was by far not my worst moment with this disorder, it was a moment that really opened my eyes to how much it affects me and my relationship with my boyfriend. 33

And while, I don’t actually have bi-polar disorder, I do have PMDD which is similar to PMS only much, much worse. Before it became known as a disorder the women who were seeking help in this matter were actually diagnosed with bi-polar disorder until the doctors finally realized they only suffered this two weeks of every month. 34

Before I discovered what I had, I had such a hard time trying to deal with it. I mean, how do you deal with something that completely overwhelms your being? It’s like a wave of negative emotions that hit me and for a portion of time I feel like I am drowning in it. It’s terrible. And I can only assume that is how someone with bi-polar feels, only I can’t imagine having it all the time. 35

For me it is bad enough dealing with it once a month. 36