She Was Saved

“Hello, 9-1-1. How may I be of assistance?”1

“Hello? Hello?”
“Hi. I’d like to report a suicide.”2


To say it all started with an animalistic urge, an animalistic lust , would be an understatement.3

But alas, it’s where it all started.4

It got to a point where it took all her energy just to not pounce. Always fighting the urge when around her, always holding back on words and actions, she did her best to avoid her altogether. It was too much.5

It was hard. Haven’t you ever gotten that urge where you just wanted to grab someone by their collar and slam them up against the wall, lips attached, hips gyrating, bodies pressed close? Haven’t you ever gotten that urge where you just wanted to tug someone into another room just for some privacy, only to want to kiss them, to touch them, to feel them? Haven’t you ever gotten that urge where you just want to clear a surface and throw someone down onto it and have hot sex with them right there at that very moment, regardless of who was around to watch?6

It was too much. So she’d stand back and hide, her lips forced and twisted into a smile the way they paint smiles onto the face of a porcelain doll. She’d pretend everything was okay, stay strong, and not betray her feelings, her wants .7

Her odd quietness, her avoidance, her grumbles and shy manners confuse them. Slowly, they catch on: something is wrong and they mistake the reason. They get angry at the right person for the wrong reason. They wouldn’t listen; she grumbles and they grumbled back.8

Sometimes, it seems the one that is silent is the one who needs someone to listen to them most.9

She shook her head and let it go, stepped away and let her friend step away. It was understandable, it was all understandable. She was like her. You hang out with someone for long enough, and then it’s time to float again. And so she lost the last person she felt safe with, the last person she could turn to. And now they were angry at the wrong person for the wrong reason. Because she let it happen.10

Slowly dissolving and pulling away, she let things go on as they do, following the flow and giving up the fight before it could even begin.11

It was time to float again.12


She didn’t cry when the boiling water poured down over her back.
She didn’t cry when the blades dug into the skin where she was burned.
She didn’t cry when the pain flared up until she became completely numb.
She didn’t cry.13


With every turn of a limb she ached, with every step she winced, and still she walked farther, pressing herself onwards until she could no longer feel her legs. She hadn’t healed yet, and her strength was slowly fading. Fumbling with her keys, she entered the empty house and dropped her bag down with a soft yelp to keep the tears back.14

It was like this every day. She came home to an empty house; her mother worked, her father was out of the picture, and her brother was hardly ever there anymore if he could help it. So she stripped down to nothing as she made her way through the emptiness, revealing the bruises, the cuts, the burns, the scars…she always did think she looked more beautiful like this.15

Closing the bathroom door and locking it, she slid into the empty bathtub and pulled her legs up to her chest. Ignoring the burning in her legs that continued upwards to shoot a jolt of pain through the rest of her body, she focused on not breaking down. If she could make it one day without falling apart when the people were gone, she would call it a successful day and go to sleep without new marks. Losing her mind was simply not an option.16

It wasn’t like she had a choice anyways.17

Her own life wasn’t dictated by her or what she did or the things she chose. Rather, it was dictated by everyone else. And everyone else saw her as strong. They saw her as a place to turn to, a person to keep them up, a symbol of hope. Those were the expectations she had to live up to. She did not have a choice, she could not say “no” and tear down the people she had helped to build up.18

Losing her mind was simply not an option.19


The thing is, the one person who lied to her most is the one person she believes when they say it’ll be okay. But they had given up long ago, and so had everyone else.20

So like a twig carrying a boulder on its back, she snaps.21


A scream escaped her throat as she attempted to drown out the chaos of thoughts raging through her mind. Burying her hands in her hair, her shoulders throbbed with pain. Her back felt like it was aflame. Her legs felt like a thousand knives had sliced them open. Her sides ached and went numb. It was all a reminder –a reminder of her mistakes, of her failures, of the lies she tried to believe.22

The tears slipped from her eyes and her shoulders shook as she tried to contain her sobs. Nothing felt right anymore, and the thoughts kept her up at night. Exhausted, drained, she knew she couldn’t keep up this fight for much longer. She knew eventually she was going to have to break. But until then, she’d keep on going, she’d keep it in and her lips would force and twist into a smile the way they paint smiles onto the face of a porcelain doll.23

Reaching forward, she let out a shaky breath and turned on the water for the tub. Her eyes seemed blank and she didn’t seem to notice the red water spouting from the knob as she ran her hand underneath it.24

The red mixed in with the water, tumbling down over her hand and filling the tub. It felt thick and swirled around her with every movement. It took her a while to recognize just what it was that was mixed in with the water.25

Blood. 26

The water spilled over the sides of the tub and she flailed as she tried to pull herself up and out. Her breath caught in her throat as she fell back down, her body screaming in pain. Or maybe that was her. She scrambled for the phone, her wet red hands grabbing it tightly as she dialed. But she couldn’t speak. Words slipped out, but she didn’t remember what was said, what she heard.27

The phone dropped from her hand and into the water. She heard static before it sunk under the swirling red surface, bubbles rising after it. Her eyes followed the phone before moving down to her own stomach. She followed the deep cuts up her stomach, over her sides, and on top of her shoulders. Able to breathe again, she screamed. The blood in the water, she finally understood what it was.28

Her blood. 29


When the pain becomes too much, and the tears have run dry, there’s only one thing left to do.
Only one thing left you can do.30

So she laughed.31


It’s not that help didn’t come, and it’s not that the help came too late. Help came, it came when it was needed right on time. She just simply didn’t want help.32


A smile spread across her face as the light began to fade. Darkness passed over her eyes and all she could hear were the distant voices of people coming. Slowly, that began to fade too. And finally, she just gave up fighting it and passed out.33


As they drag her broken body from the water –CLEAR! –one thing was understood by everyone.34

She was saved.35


“Hi. I’d like to report a suicide.”
“What happened? Where can we send assistance to?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.”
“Whose suicide are you reporting?”
“Mine.”36


She faded in and out as she was put into the gurney.37

In.38

Her eyes fluttered open as a hand slipped into hers and a worried voice called out her name. She looked up into small blue eyes. They looked so familiar. They made her feel safe.39

Out.40

She was wheeled out of the house and towards the ambulance. Cars filled the driveway and continued down the street full of worried friends and family and neighbors. A friend stepped into the back of the ambulance with her. Grasping her hand tight, a hand ran through her hair as teeth worried a lower lip.41

In.42

Her eyes fluttered and she looked up. She felt hands all over her. She was being wrapped up, she could tell. She could feel the IV slipping into her arm and her breath caught in her throat again. She opened her mouth to speak, but a look from her friend kept her silent. She closed her eyes again and saw a shadow bend down over her. She felt lips press against hers and a smile graced her lips.43

Someone was there for her this time. She knew she was going to be ok.44

Out.45


There was only one thing that really mattered now.46

She was saved. Finally.47

48

To say it all started with an animalistic urge, an animalistic lust , would be an understatement.49


But alas, it’s where it all started.50

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FIN.