The nest of the great dragon She'Na stirred. Despite the long absence of heat, the Drakonian Queen being killed in the war. Three eggs in her nest,three hopes for the race to be rekindled. Two females, a male. The great eggs stirred. Three hatchlings emerged. A green. A black. A Gold, the color of a dragon queen. The saviour of her race. She'an.
Comments
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Majestic
Oh! This was very nice. Short, sweet, and to the point, though it kept me reading throughout the whole thing. (all 56 words, lol) I have a few little things to mention, though. After "Despite the long absense of heat," you should add the word "and" to complete the sentence. Also, after "Three eggs in her nest," there should be a semicolon instead of a comma, and a space afterwards. Umm, after "Two females," you could put the word "and one" instead of "a". Or "Two females; one male." Also, the word "Gold" shouldn't be capitalized.
I really enjoyed this, regardless! It said so much in so little words! It was the title that grabbed me, and I thought it was going to be a lot longer (I failed to see the word count beforehand) and so i was a little disappointed. After I'd finished reading, I was like: Is that all?
You left me hanging, left me wanting more! Much more. It takes talent to achieve that. Great story, keeping on writing!
INK
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Thanks!! :)
Hey, peoples, thanks for the comments! In reply to the issues, I will explain some things and also, fyi, i'm not a fanfic person. I am doing revised edition!
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Nice. I like it.
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Interesting
I'm Interested... Do more..
? ^^
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3.
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nice
I am definitely interested I love fantasy I am 37 but my mind imagines more and more every year. -
Intriguing indeed... the shortness of it actually works with the way you present it.. however, I would change this line;
"Despite the long absence of heat, the Drakonian Queen being killed in the war."
I think there should be the word 'and' where the comma is. Since this is its only sentance, and there are only two points, a comma is not necessary, when read, there seems like something is missing, or should be following in the same sentance. -
Is this a sort of fanfic of "The Dragon Riders of Pern" series? Don't get me wrong, I love that series.
I think it feels a bit jarry in some places, and you wrote the name wrong at the end. I think this has potential, though, and I'd love it if you kept going with this.
In the beginning, I think that instead of the nest stirring, it should be the eggs. The second sentence just doesn't seem right for some reason.
After that, it really grabs the readers interest.
Kudos! -
Very interesting, Id definitely be interested in seeing more. Short and to the point, I liked it.
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Wow... this is pretty powerful for a prologue. I love the dragon idea... I am a huge fan of dragons and could read forever from this story. Please keep writing this and dont stop until it is the best writing EVER!!!!! i love it!!!! omg and ur only 11... ahhg you are going to be the like bestest writer in the history of bestest writers!!! omg i just like lost it with how incredible this is..
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Two females, (one) male.
Very interesting. I think that maybe you should have made it longer. and put a little more detail into it. Ohter than that it is very interesting and makes me wonder what the whole story line is. Good job.
Dew -
This is a relly good attempt for a prolouge, despite it's size. Sometimes smaller is better, and I found that I wanted to read more when it finished. message me when you write more. louise
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I don't usually like these kind of stories but this sounds very good, I'll be sure and read what you post next for it.
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This is a very interesting story (I'm curious about the title, but I figure if I read the rest of the story it'll make more sense. Starting in the middle is confusing lol). Most of the errors have already been pointed out by the people below, but one thing I would mention is your use of commas. Sometimes they should be semicolons/periods, other times they're missing, and once in a while you use them when nothing should be there at all. It's not a horrible mistake--in fact, it's only a rare occurrence--but it's something to watch out for. Great job, and keep writing!
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Hmm.. I'm interested. It's a little confusing for me but maybe I'm just a confused persone. Nice start.
And I agree with wolfclub, line breaks would make it much better. -
interesting
this is really interesting. nice work, nice job!!! keep writing, nice short prologue
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Personally, I don't like your spelling Drakonian. But I am a fusspot beyond my years. XD
Try a semi-colon in the second sentence, instead of a comma. And in the third sentence, "one male" would sound better.
If you'rekeeping this at this length, I would suggest adding line breaks almost every sentence to make it more dramatic. But it would be better if you "pad it out" a bit. Not massively, just put in a little bit of description.
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Hmm....this sounds like it could turn out to be quite a good story. I might actually stick around to read the rest of the chapters. Just give me a message if you write any more.
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Schnitzel
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