English Story... The world in the mirror!1
Chapter One 2
“Scotland? Why do we have to go to Scotland?” Charlie asked his mum.3
“You have to go there it’s for your own good!” his mum said as she got out a suitcase from the cupboard. “Any way you’ll enjoy it. Your aunt and uncle live in a big house in the country and it’s near a big lake! You will all have your own room, and it’s only ‘til I sell the house and I come up too. It’ll be a year at the most! I know it’s hard to leave everything we have here, but since your dad died I just can’t keep up with the bills. I owe lots of money and the only way I can pay it is if we move to Scotland and my sister helps us out a bit. Anyway we will have a better life in Scotland. We can get a nice house somewhere quiet and I’m sure Auntie Mary and Uncle Peter will get someone to teach you to read and write. I just need some time to sell the house and I’ll come up as soon as I can.” 4
The children’s dad died two years ago, he was working in a factory when the sleeve of his shirt got caught in a machine. Obviously, the factory had to pay the family compensation for their loss, but no amount of money could make up for the loss of James Miller. Teresa, the children’s mother, wanted to send the children to school but the two boys, 12 and 14 at the time, were too old to start school, but the youngest child, Sarah who was 6 at the time was just the right age to start school.5
“Mummy, I don’t like Auntie Mary, she has smelly breath and a bald patch on her head! She always tries to kiss me as well!” moaned the youngest child Sarah.6
They packed a small suitcase with their clothes and essentials and had a slice of toast. The oldest child David was still packing when someone knocked on the door. Sarah ran to the door and shouted “I’ve got it”. She opened it and it was the next door neighbour. 7
“Hi Sarah, is your mum in? I have a parcel for her,” said Mrs Hull, standing next to a big box. 8
“Yes she is, MUM! Mrs Hull’s here,” Sarah shouted and she walked away from the door and into the kitchen to talk to her brother Charlie. The children’s mum went to the door to speak to the old lady from next door.9
“Charlie, what’s it like in Scotland? Do you think we will see the Lochness monster?” asked Sarah.10
“I don’t think we will see the Lochness monster, but we will see lots of rain! It’s always raining in Scotland! There are lots of mountains and the people all wear kilts and play the bagpipes.”11
“Oh, I don’t like the bagpipes or the rain. I don’t think I’m going to like it in Scotland.”12
“It’ll be ok, we’ll come home soon, I think.”Charlie said as Sarah started to cry. “Don’t cry Sarah. It doesn’t always rain. I’m sure it’ll be sunny sometimes.”13
“I’m not crying because of the rain. I’m just going to miss mum, that’s all. I don’t want to go to Scotland. It wouldn’t be so bad if mum was coming with us. It sounds horrible.”Sarah mumbled, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.14
“We’ll all miss her Sarah and she’ll miss us too, but it won’t be too long until she joins us.”15
Teresa, the children’s mother called them into the living room. David came down from upstairs with Sarah’s teddy bear she had left in the bedroom and his suitcase. Then the three kids went into the living room where their mum had a big box with clothes in it.16
“Okay, Auntie Mary and Uncle Peter have sent you some clothes to wear when you get there. So you might have to get rid of some of the stuff in your suitcases. They also sent a letter with the clothes; I’ll read it for you. “Dear Teresa and the children, we have sent some clothes for the children because up here in Scotland all the children have very nice clothes and we don’t want the children arriving looking like tramps. We have to delay the children coming up for another day or two as we have to buy some more things and try and get them into a school. We have arranged for them to be picked up by a taxi and taken to the train station on the 24th March 1928. When they get here they will be told the rules and if they break the rules they will be punished. We would like to make that very clear. We look forward to seeing the children soon, Mary and Peter.” So everyone find the clothes for them and put them on,” said Teresa.17
The clothes were horrible. They were grey with purple tartan on them. Sarah had a grey dress with purple tartan frills at the bottom and the boys had grey trousers, a white shirt and a purple tartan tie. The children had sad faces when they had the clothes on as they looked like idiots! If they went out in these in London they would have been laughed at and possibly beaten up! So they took them off and put on normal clothes and put the horrible clothes from their aunt and uncle in their suitcase.18
David picked up the daily newspaper and looked at the date. It was the 23rd of March 1928 which meant they had 1 day left in London, so he decided to go out and say goodbye to his friends. London wasn’t the nicest place in the world. The streets were dark and dungy, and there was smoke in the air poisoning people’s lungs. But even though it wasn’t the prettiest place in the world, and there were still blitzed buildings from the war, it was where they had grown up. They all had friends and family here. To them it was home, and how would you feel if you were taken away from your home. 19
Sarah was playing with her teddy in the living room and Teresa was trying to teach Charlie to read. Because the boys were too old to start school when the family had enough money to send them Charlie and David couldn’t read or write. David had self taught himself to read numbers and small words but wouldn’t be able to read the newspaper. Since Sarah was the only child who was able to go to school, she could actually read and write more than the two boys. Teresa had the letter from Aunt Mary and was showing Charlie all of the sounds and how to say them. Charlie was quite immature but really wanted to learn to read so he could become an author. He had all of these great ideas in his head that he wanted to write down but couldn’t. He asked for paper and a pencil for his birthday and got it, so now he had to learn to write.20
It was 6.30pm and Sarah was going to bed. She took her favourite book from the bookshelf in the living room and took it to her room to read. It was called “Lily pad Princess”. It was about a fairy who helped the frogs find the princess frog. It didn’t have many words and lots of pictures so it was easy to read. When she went up, Charlie went up with her and asked her if she would read it to him. He felt a bit embarrassed by asking his 8 year old sister if she would read a baby book to him. 21
David, Teresa and Charlie sat up talking until 9.30 when the two boys went to bed. They had to get up early in the morning to set off to Scotland. They were not looking forward to it, you could see the disappointment in their eyes, but they knew that it had to happen. It is what it is, so they tried to smile at their mum when she kissed them and said goodnight. David was always the strong one who looked after his siblings, hugged them when they cried but he was choked up when he left the room. He was very protective of his family, and became the man of the house since his dad died. However, he was still a mummy’s boy at heart and hated to think of life without his mum.22
Teresa sat up reading her book until 10 but fell asleep, forgetting to put out the candle. She was didn’t wake up until about 2 o’clock when David ran into the living room and woke her up. 23
“Mum there’s a fire! Wake up, Wake up!”David screamed. There was smoke everywhere and David was worried that his mum had passed out. He picked her up and got out of the room. He kicked open the door and went into the hall.24
“Charlie, Sarah? Where are you?” David screamed as he looked around for them. The fire was in the living room. He was holding his mother’s body. She was breathing but it was like carrying dead weight.25
“David? I’m here! I’ve got Sarah. It’s ok, let’s get out of here! Charlie shouted as he headed for the front door. David couldn’t see Charlie and Sarah for the smoke and he started choking on the smoke. Finding the door was like finding a needle in a haystack. Charlie made his way out and when the door was opened David could make his was out of the house.26
When they got out of the house they checked that everyone was ok and Mrs Hull from next door ran out to see if they were out of the house. Someone had called the fire brigade to come out and put the fire out. Mrs Hull told them to come into her house. David picked up his mother and went into Mrs Hull’s house. Sarah had woken up by now but was sad and tired so asked Charlie to carry her. They went into the living room and Teresa lay down on the sofa. Only a few hours left until they were on their way to Scotland. Now their mum would have to come with them.27
A contest entry
- September New Member's Contest by SW Greeters.
175 points, ended October 4, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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“You have to go there it’s for your own good!”
- You have two complete thoughts here that are combined by nothing, I would suggest a " ; " after "there"
Read it aloud to yourself, and you will understand.
I think that in this first paragraph you have too much info dump from the mom. She's saying this all to the boy, but everyone understands that really she's saying it to us so that we know their history.
This is just my opinion, but i think you should start the story at paragraph ten. We get alot of information from that dialogue that we already knew from the long and boring one at the beginning. The only difference hee is that there is emotion in your paragraph ten dialogue.
Here is a tip that I think will help you in your writing:
Using Dialogue to tell the readers what is going on can be a good thing, but don't just tell us using the character. Let us learn for ourselves what is going on - if the character is saying something interesting, we will pay attention and out minds will be gearing out all of the reasons for why this character would be saying this. If your story started with,
“Charlie, what’s it like in Scotland? Do you think we will see the Lochness monster?” asked Sarah.10
*Here we learn that they are leaving for scotland.
“I don’t think we will see the Lochness monster, but we will see lots of rain! It’s always raining in Scotland! There are lots of mountains and the people all wear kilts and play the bagpipes.”11
* Here we see that Charlie is optimistic, or at least trying to be or his sister.
“Oh, I don’t like the bagpipes or the rain. I don’t think I’m going to like it in Scotland.”12
*We get conflict, as if the girl doesn't want to go.
“It’ll be ok, we’ll come home soon, I think.”Charlie said as Sarah started to cry. “Don’t cry Sarah. It doesn’t always rain. I’m sure it’ll be sunny sometimes.”13
“I’m not crying because of the rain. I’m just going to miss mum, that’s all. I don’t want to go to Scotland. It wouldn’t be so bad if mum was coming with us. It sounds horrible.”Sarah mumbled, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.14
*Here we learn that their mom is not going with them.
“We’ll all miss her Sarah and she’ll miss us too, but it won’t be too long until she joins us.”
* Here we learn that it won't be too long.
So you see, we don't need that long dump of information from the mother at the beginning. It's a boring dialogue, and you just reiterate the same information ten paragraphs later but in a more interesting way. Let us start out with this.
Hope that helps... I would read the rest but I've got alot of work to do. -
Welcome to StoryWrite
Very good detail. I could almost smell the smoke. The story has me asking questions like where did the fire come from and what is going to happen next so I makes a good hook for future chapters.
Best of luck in the contest, thanks for entering
Violet
Site Greeter -
Hello, covgirl1996.
I must say that you have great potential to be a writer. When I was fourteen, although I tried, my descriptions weren't up to par with what I was imagining. Yours are rather good, particularly scenery.
I would do some research into England's history. I can suggest a few sites or you can google it. I would also suggest a tad bit more background for the family, particularly the parents. I didn't feel sad at all when I discovered the father was dead.
I also saw a few places where certain words could be left out yet still mean the same thing.
Overall, though, you did an excellent job. I wish you all the luck in this contest and in future writing. You have potential.
Lady E,
Greeter

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Great descriptions in this story.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Brooke
greeter -
Hello covgirl, welcome to StoryWrite and thank you for sharing your sad tale of the early twentieth century with us.
You have a talent for creating very vivid scenes, painting visible characters, and drawing an emotional response from your readers
.
However, you will have to watch your facts, and do a bit of research on English labour laws during that time. I’m not positive but I doubt there would have been any recuperative compensation for the death of a family member. But if there was, why is the Mother forced to sell her home?
You kind of give the impression that Uncle and Auntie are a bit put out by taking in the three children—if so one always wonders why do they do it.
The fire
? Was it deliberately set?
Good luck in the contest.
Geri


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