A castle sits upon a cliff overlooking the ocean.Its waves crash upon the shore in sweet succesion.The castle was large and golden and had many room.In the highest point of the castle a woman sits upon a chair made of a sacred wood called Oseta.She had long platinum blond hair and eyes the color of the sky.She had a smile that showed her kindness and warmth.She had been awaiting this day for many years and she could not contain her excitment.In front of her was a table of silver.Upon the top sat a crystal ball swirling with energy inside of it.1
On the other side of the table a man with eyes of emarlds and hair looking of living flames stood.He was over 6ft tall and his lips purssed with wonderment.He too knew what was about to take place.He and his wife would finally be blessed with a child.2
This man and woman where no ordinary couple though.They were the King and Queen of Emperion.The world where magick ruled and lived as though it were alive.3
His eyes meet his wifes as they watched for the signs to come.They where told that when the momment was about to happen the ball's energy would turn gold.4
As they watched,Akora,the Queen could barly contain her happeniss.The gentleness of this woman could be felt comming from her.She knew that once her child came then he or she would be connected to this plane of exsistance just as she was.5
Sundenly the orb begain to glow the golden color they were told to watch for.There eyes meet and they knew what must be done.Both the King and Queen closed their eyes and let their enrgies flow from within them to the orb.6
The King and Queens aura could now be seen.The Kings was that of a deep red mixed with gold.This stood for his strength and love for his world.The Queen's was silver and light pink.This showed her compassion and gentleness.She was loved by all of her people because she was a fair and just woman and she always had a open ear for her people.7
Soon the energies flowed into the orb and it grew bright.The room became filled with magicks.After a few momments the bright light was gone and their on the table was a baby.She had a head of wavey red hair and when her eyes opened the King and Queen could see her silver eyes.They had rings of gold around the them.8
Akora got up from the chair with a motherly grin on her face.She picked the baby girl up and walked over to her husband.Both of them had tears of joy in their eyes as the looked down at their new baby girl.9
"What shall we call her my beloved?"10
Akora looked up to her husband and spoke in a gentle voice."How about Sariana?"11
The King smiled and held out his hands for the mall babe.Akora put her daughter in the hands of her father.He grinned and played with her tiny hand."I think it is perfect my love.Sariana it is.Now come for we have a celebration to plan so that we may introduce our little girl to the world."12
With that the King and Queen left with little Sariana so that she may be seen by the population of Emperion.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is a nice intro and a good start. I would love to see it worked out with the description woven into the story rather than as a block of narration, maybe some dailogue to pass back and forth information. But the basics are there and this is a great foundation to build from!
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this is a very good start off. you showed your passion for it and made it believe able..sorry about the few small changes i did in a message i sent to you. i had some harsh critics on works i did i just wanted to help you as you are a friend of mine.
Beatrice.. -
Hey this is a pretty good beginning. There are a few mistakes in grammar and things like that. I make them a lot. I would suggest you "show" a little more instead of so much exposition, to give the reader even deeper insight into the story. You do a nice job with some of your descriptions. I look forward to seeing the next part.
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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This is a wonderfully magical story and you clearly have the gift of storytelling. It has the tone of a fairy tale, or the prologue to a high fantasy.
You are brief in your descriptions, but there is enough there to evoke a bigger world than what is immediate and happening - this is a talent not everyone has.
You need refinement of your writing skills, however, at the technical level. Your grammar and your spelling let you down a fair bit, but doesn't hide what is good, so please take what I say as an objective point of view. If you wish, I am happy to point out these technical elements - it is up to you. If you don't want me to put it here, I can email it to you (just message me your email address).
Overall it was mysterious, magical and delightful - just a bit unrefined.
Thanks for letting me read it.
Gez
ps - mothers who read this would be jealous, re child birth!
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Hm. The story is very interesting. I wonder if this is part of a series of works or if it is a stand-alone. At any rate, the story is very well written and beautifully told.
The words flow well and I can easily tell that you have a high command of language. Very nicely done. Thank you for sharing this. -
This was wonderful, very well written with lots of details. I hope you write more soon. I really want to know what is going to happen next.
I caught some mistakes for you.
Make sure to space after every punctuation, periods and stuff. I do it all the time.Also in your fist paragragh you used the word 'She' alot. Trying changing it up a bit to make it flow better.
Second to last paragraph, you forgot the s in small.
Also I love the name Sariana. I have never heard of it before, did you make it up? Anyways I love it, the story too.
Cant wait to read more,
Keep up the good work,
Dew.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I love it! Very descriptive! It did have a few errors in it, but the story itself was fantastic!
Brilliant Job and Keep Writing!
-Crystal
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I really like. i love fantasy, so this is great
It's interesting that the baby was created with their auras instead of becoming pregnant, and did the baby have a mixture of the parents auras? red hair, silver, gold rimmed eyes; like the parents auras i really like, well done I'm definitely going to read on
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Awww's~
This is great I love it.
Your a really goob writer ya know
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Thank you kindly.This is just the first part.Not really a chapter just some thoughts on my story I am working on.
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