That's Why They Call It First Love

I saw him there under the flashing lights of his school dance. I had come with some friends to crash the all boys school dance and my insides had been flipping ever since. It’s been three long years since I’ve seen him and I’m afraid I just may die right here on the dance floor. Now, I don’t drink but tonight was special, I needed the liquid courage to be able to face him. I’d never finally close the door on my old self if I didn’t.1

All of a sudden the memories came back. Of the talks we had waiting to get picked up from our stuffy catholic school, feeling all the butterflies of a middle school crush. I wanted him so bad then and I want him still now, but that’s beside the point and long not going to happen. But, God, these memories are just flowing like a flooded river. That’s what I get for letting the flood gates. But one memory in particular is filling my stomach with dread and making me want to turn around and hide before he ever even sees me. 2

It was seventh grade and we were all feeling like we were on top of the world. We had only one more year here and then we were free to the adult world of high school. Both he and I had been talking for a while now and I prayed every night for him to just notice me, let alone like me. Then one day, he I found out he was dating this other girl, Chelsea or Casey, I don’t even remember any more. But I will never forget his name and the way it felt. I felt betrayed and back stabbed and hurt. I wanted to fall into the deepest darkest hole I could find and just stay there. I’ve come to the conclusion after many nights of reliving this that it wasn’t his fault for liking someone else. I think he felt sorry for me in some way, but that may have been all in my head so I wouldn’t know. 3

But jealousy makes us all do crazy things some times. I’m extremely guilty of that. I wasn’t exactly happy with myself during my years of middle school. I still kick myself every once in a while. But I’m the first to tell you that I was a brat with a capital b. I was self-righteous and mean; a mean-girl without a click or any real power. Being around him made me feel powerful, like I was important or special and I didn’t know how to react to that. I was just a stupid little girl with high hopes and big dreams that made it up to heaven and back. That’s when I did it….4

I was in such shock of seeing them together that when I went home I cried all the way. My mother was anxious and worried and begged me to tell her what was wrong. It may have been that I didn’t want to tell her what was really wrong, it may have been anger, it may have been jealousy and it may have even been a combination of all of this along with the embarrassment of not being able to mask my emotions, but I had told her he bullied me and since my mother was good friends with my teacher he was quickly and swiftly taken care of and we never talked since without it being nasty, hateful or mean and usually started by me.5

The rest of that year and the next were a show of this and for a while, after he and his girlfriend broke up she was even on my side for a while. I just couldn’t forgive him for the betrayal I felt. I was like a wounded dog, still licking my wound fresh when it should have been healed long ago if I wasn’t so obsessed with it. 6

But tonight was my night. I was going to apologize whether he remembered me or not. I needed my closure and I needed this battle with myself to end. My friends were chattering like girls do, but I barely heard them over the beating of my own heart as I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He was with a group of friends, a few of them I recognized from our old school. He turned around and was just as beautiful as I remembered him. He had grown taller since I saw him last and his shoulders were broader and he looked a little more like a man and a little less like the boy I used to know. 7

“H-hey” I stammered, “Remember me?”8

“How could I forget? What are you doing here?”9

Now you see, I know I was wasted, my friends knew I was wasted, and I had taken another good luck swing before we entered the door and good friends shouldn’t let good friends talk to their ex-loves-of-their-lives while being said wasted. I’ll have to have a talk with them later about this. 10

“I used to have a huge crush on you” I blurted and everyone kind-a stood there in shock but I took that as a cue to keep going when it should have been a cue to run towards the exit and hide. “I even had the crazy idea that I was in love with you. I mean how crazy is that?” and with this I start to laugh, in the uncontrollable nervous, completely drunk way. Again I was met with silence and awkward stares but again I kept going. “God, I was such a little bitch. I kept thinking you were dangling me on a string like some little puppet. I mean what would I have said anyway? ‘That you make my heart melt like butter every time you talk to me’? Yeah that would have blown over well.” I burst out laughing again and I can feel my friend Ashley start to tug at my arm and my laugher somehow become more shallow then it was before and my throat becomes tight and somehow just talking becomes even harder then it was before and I can feel my voice crack a little. “I just want to tell you, that I wasn’t a good person then, but I’m a damn good person now. People love me and I’m proud of that. I wasn’t a good person and I know that and it’s haunted me every day since and it makes me want to be different you know? Like I’m worthy of something” And that was the final straw. I start to cry and my body all of a sudden feels weak and not my own. I feel Ashley tug on my arm again and we leave. I feel instantly bad about ruining their good times all because I had to get something off my chest. I could have waited till the end of the dance so at least they had a chance to check out some of the guys there and I find myself kicking myself again. Just as they are leading me away I turn to him one last time, his eyes are blank and hide his emotions, if he’s even feeling anything after being confronted like that. “I just wanted to let you know that” I say in a hushed whisper, since that’s all I could muster at that moment through the tears and the sudden weakness that had overcome my whole body. I don’t know if he even heard me at that point but I slept the whole ride home. Ashley let me stay at her house and I was grateful for that since I didn’t want to go home and face my mom.11

It’s the day after the dance and I feel different. I’m at a new frontier in my life but I still feel the heaviness of the night before. Ashley says it’s a hangover but I don’t think so. I thought that letting him know was supposed to free me, but it only further bonded his memory to my side. May be I’m not supposed to let him fade away, but to stand as a reminder of something I don’t know. I feel the change and the burden all wrapped into one which lays heavy on my heart. In time I hope the burden will become less and less until it’s no burden at all, but something light and necessary that I will be glad to have with me the rest of my life. I guess that’s why they call first love, first love, so there can be a second and a third until you find the one who is meant to be the love of your life for the rest of your life. 12