The Cats Boldly Go

THE CATS BOLDLY GO1

Alan Freckelton
David Freckelton
Declan Freckelton
Michael Freckelton2

It was nearly midnight by the time Xanthe, Heather’s tortoiseshell, started to calm down, which was a full two hours after the movie had finished. All the kids had been enthralled, especially about being able to stay up to 10 o’clock at night, but now all the people were in bed.3

“That was brilliant!” she said, for about the 100th time, to no-one in particular.4

“Oh goodness” despaired Morticia, who by now was as grumpy and bossy as Tiggy had ever been. “It’s just a movie.”5

“Just a movie!” said Xanthe, indignantly. “It was Star Trek! The 2009 Star Trek! With that guy who is also Sylar from Heroes as Spock! I was particularly interested in the physical properties of red matter …”6

“Which is made up!” shouted Morticia, finally cracking. “Honestly, Xanthe, you are just a science fiction freak.”7

“Cool film though, dude” said Quinn, the grey and white cat, who referred to absolutely everyone as “dude”.8

“Were we watching a film?” asked Noir, who hadn’t changed a bit.9

“It was scary!” said Kal-El, the Siamese. “Nero was MUCH too scary! Wah!”10

“Oh, quiet, Kal-El” said Xanthe. “To think that a wussy Siamese gets named after Superman … Anyway, do you like the way that the film sets up an entire new alternative timeline for more films in the future? Now they don’t have to contradict established Star Trek canon with new films! Isn’t it great?”11

“No!” shouted Morticia. “It is not great. It’s very, very dull. Xanthe, there is no point in thinking about things like this. Even if people do eventually invent space warps or whatever, cats won’t be allowed to go.”12

“Data in Star Trek – The Next Generation has a cat” said Xanthe. “Spot! Spot was introduced in the Season 4 episode of Next Generation ‘Data’s Day’, and appeared in a number of other episodes …”13

“Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!” shouted Morticia. “The point is that cats will not be able to fly spaceships. We will not be on the bridge of the Enterprise. We will never get to say things like ‘engage’ or ‘make it so’. Just get used to it!”14

Xanthe wandered off, crossly. “Cats will so get to go into space” she said, as she settled down to sleep. “Just wait and see …”15

********************16

“There's Klingons on the starboard bow!” shouted armoury officer Penrith, as the bird of prey came around for another pass at the USS Enterprise NCC 1701.5. "They're attacking!"17

“Thanks Penrith, I didn’t know that before” said Captain Morticia, with immense sarcasm. “What are rogue Klingons doing in this sector anyway? Noir! Open a channel!”18

“OK Mum!” said communications officer Noir.19

“And call me Captain when we’re on the bridge” shouted back Morticia.20

“OK, Captain Mum” said Noir, as Morticia shook her head in frustration. “We’ve got a channel! Audio only.”21

“Right” said Morticia. Then she addressed the Klingons. “This is Captain Morticia of the USS Enterprise. Why are you attacking us?”22

A Klingon voice came through the communicator. “This is Kah’lekh of the Free Klingon Alliance. Drop your shields and prepare to be boarded, or we will destroy you.”23

Before Morticia could respond, Noir butted in. “Hi there!” he said. “That doesn’t sound like much fun to me – why don’t you just beam over and we’ll have a party and all be friends instead!”24

“Noir, you wally …” began Morticia.25

“Klingons do NOT have parties!” shouted Kah’lekh.26

“Oh, you must not know how then” said Noir. “Come over and we’ll show you!”27

“Noir, close the channel” said an exasperated Morticia. “Who made you communications officer anyway?”28

“You did, Mum” said Noir. “Sorry, Captain Mum.”29

“Aarrgghh!” shouted Morticia. “Quinn, get us out of here.”30

“No problems, Captain Dude” said Quinn, the chief pilot. “Everything will be cool and groovy soon.” Quinn veered the Enterprise sharply to port, throwing off the bird of prey momentarily, but it soon corrected its course and plunged after the Enterprise again.31

“Arthur!” shouted Morticia into her communicator. “We need those warp engines now!”32

Arthur’s voice came over the communicator from the engineering decks. “We need about 15 more minutes to get the engines back on line!” he whined. “I can’t give it any more! OH NO WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhh …”33

Morticia cut of the communicator. “You can’t blame me for him” she said to Commander Xanthe, who doubled as the science officer. “Starfleet Command put him on this ship. Goodness knows why …”34

Another volley of laser cannon fire from the bird of prey hit the Enterprise, causing the bridge to shudder. Morticia was sure she could hear Arthur’s “waaaaaahhhhhhh” all the way from the engineering deck without the aid of the communicator.35

“Wait!” said Xanthe. “Star Trek Generations! We have to get the bird of prey to cloak, which means its shields go down, and hit just as it’s cloaking!”36

“What are you talking about?” demanded Morticia, as another volley of fire rocked the Enterprise. “How do you suggest we get it to cloak? And what is Star Trek Generations?”37

“Just do it!” said Xanthe. She raced over to a science station and started pressing buttons rapidly. “There!” she said. “I’ve hacked their computer system – I can make them cloak on your order!”38

“How did you do that?” asked Morticia. “Oh, never mind. Do it!”39

Xanthe pressed a few more buttons and the bird of prey began to cloak. “Fire!” shouted Morticia to Penrith.40

“Yay!” shouted Penrith, and launched a volley of photon torpedoes at the Klingon ship. It exploded in a brilliant ball of white light.41

“Woo-hoo!” shouted Penrith, again. “That was a great explosion.”42

“Yeah yeah” said Morticia. Then she spoke into the com system. “All decks, this is Captain Morticia speaking. The Klingon bird of prey has been destroyed. I want damage and casualty reports immediately. Signing off.” Then she added “good work, Number One” in Xanthe’s direction.43

Morticia turned on the com system again and said “Engineering?” The face of a younger Siamese cat appeared on the viewscreen.44

“Is it safe now?” asked Kal-El.45

“Kal-El?” asked Morticia. “Where is our chief engineer? I want to know how much longer until we have warp capacity.”46

“We would have had it a few minutes ago” said Kal-El, “but Arthur has been hiding under the scanner table since that last volley.”47

“So were you! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” called Arthur from somewhere where the viewscreen couldn’t see him.48

“Get those engines back on line now!” ordered Morticia. “Arthur, do you want to be court-martialled for cowardice?”49

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! No! That sounds too scary!” whined Arthur. “I’ll get the engines on line.”50

“Good” said Morticia. She shut down the com link.51

“We’ve got casualty reports coming in” said Xanthe. “No deaths, but we’ve got a few injuries that the vet will need to look at.”52

“OK” said Morticia. She punched up another com link and said “get me the vet”.53

A white fluffy cat appeared on the screen. “Please state the nature of the medical emergency” he said. Then he added “and will someone please reprogram me so I don’t have to keep saying that?”54

“Yes, yes, yes, we’ll get to it” said Morticia. She was somewhat suspicious of the Enterprise lacking a real vet, but the Emergency Medical Hologram had done a good job so far, even if his jokes were usually terrible.55

“Doctor, please stand by for casualties” said Morticia.56

“My name is Homer, remember?” replied the EMH.57

“Whatever” said Morticia. “Just stand by.”58

“OK” said the EMH. “It’s not like I can leave the sick bay or anything … where’s that mobile transmitter you keep promising me?”59

“Thanks, bye” said Morticia, cutting the EMH off before he could get going on that argument. “Well” she said, “things seem under control, maybe we can all relax for a while. Quinn, resume our original course”.60

“OK, dude, sorry, Captain Dude” said Quinn.61

Morticia closed her eyes and laid her head back. Ten seconds later, she heard Noir calling “Captain Mum?”62

“Rats” said Morticia, under her breath. “What is it now?”63

“Incoming transmission from Starfleet” said Noir. “It’s from Admiral Tiggy.”64

“Oh no” said Morticia, buried her face in her paws, and cried gently for a couple of seconds. Then she sat up, sighed, and said “OK, punch it up”.65

A matter of seconds later, the face of a stern-looking Abbysinian cat appeared on the viewscreen. “Captain Morticia” said Admiral Tiggy, “I have new orders for you”.66

“What is it this time?” asked a very annoyed Morticia.67

“It’s a top secret mission” said Tiggy. “I am currently on board the USS Canberra and will be in transporter range in two hours. You are ordered to maintain your current course and bring me on board when notified. Any questions?”68

“Yes” said Morticia. “It is really necessary for you to be on board? I thought I’d got rid of you when you were promoted to Admiral and I was promoted to captain.”69

“Yes it is” said Tiggy. “There is no way I would trust you to handle this mission without me on board to run things properly.”70

“Old bossy boots …” grumbled Morticia.71

“I heard that” said Tiggy. “Do you want to be charged with insubordination? Maybe I should charge you – then I can appoint your communications officer as your defence counsel.”72

“Huh?” asked Noir. “Is something happening?”73

“Go back to Dreamworld, Noir” said Morticia. Then she addressed Tiggy again and said “OK, OK, we’ll wait for your signal to beam you on board.”74

“Good” said Tiggy. “Admiral Tiggy out.” The viewscreen winked off.75

“A secret mission!” said Xanthe. “I wonder what that could be about?”76

“I hope it involves blowing things up” enthused Penrith.77

“Tiggy probably wants us to polish her medals for her” said Morticia. “Maybe I can get Kal-El to sabotage the transporter so that she ends up on Pluto or something instead …”78

“I think you’d get in trouble for that, Mum, sorry, Captain Mum” said Noir.79

“Oh, for goodness’ sake” said Morticia. “Quinn, maintain our current course and speed. I’m going off to the ready room to try to get myself ready to cope with Tiggy. Xanthe, you have the bridge.” And off she went.80

********************81

At 14:00 hours, Morticia and Xanthe waited in the transporter room, along with Security Officer Cactus, who had to be threatened with the brig to get him away from the food replicators. Morticia, as usual when anything relating to Tiggy was involved, was grumbling.82

“Old bossy boots is holding us up again” she said. “What’s so important anyway?”83

“I’m sure …” began Xanthe, when a message came through. Kal-El, at the transporter controls, said “Admiral Tiggy is ready to beam aboard”.84

“Who is Tiggy again?” asked Cactus. The rest of the cats ignored him.85

“Can you scramble her signal?” asked Morticia. “No, forget it, beam her on board.”86

Kal-El activated the controls, and soon enough Tiggy appeared on the transporter platform. She looked around, disdainfully. “Well” she said, “you’ve let this ship go downhill since I was the captain.”87

“And nice to see you too, Admiral” said Morticia.88

“Stop the sarcasm” said Tiggy, “or I’ll reinstate that insubordination charge. Look!” she said, pointing “dust!”.89

“On me?” said a confused Kal-El.90

“No, you gigantic wally, on the controls. Arthur, you are … wait a minute, you’re not Arthur.”91

“May I introduce second engineer Kal-El” said Morticia. 92

“Arthur is on board, though, isn’t he?” asked Tiggy.93

“Yes” said Morticia, in a very annoyed tone. “Starfleet Command gave a specific order for him to be on this ship.”94

“Good … I mean, oh no, I’ll have to put up with his whining for the next few days” said Tiggy. “Well, move it move it move it. I want you and Xanthe in the conference room now.”95

“Yes, Admiral” said Xanthe. “Yeah yeah” said Morticia, wandering off behind her superior officer. Cactus, completely confused, wandered behind. 96

“Do I have to shoot anything?” he asked.97

“No!” said Tiggy. “Morticia, send this great useless lump of lard back to his station”.98

“Dismissed, crewman” said Morticia. Cactus stood there, with a look of immense stupidity on his face.99

“Go away!” said Morticia. “OK” said Cactus, and left.100

“So obviously Starfleet Command regards this as the best-run ship in Starfleet if we get this secret mission” said Morticia, as they headed for the conference room.101

“Yes, because of all the management systems that I put in place” said Tiggy. “But what is this excuse for a crew you’ve taken on?”102

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Morticia. They had now reached the conference room, and Xanthe shut the door behind the three of them.103

“I’ve been going through your personnel files” said Tiggy. “Would you like to know what some of your crew answered to the question ‘Why do you want to join Starfleet’?”104

“No” said Morticia, but Tiggy kept going anyway.105

“Noir – ‘my Mum told me to’. Penrith – ‘I like blowing things up’. Arthur – ‘Starfleet Command said they’d whack me if I didn’t! Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!’ And he WROTE ‘Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!’! Cactus – ‘I don’t know’. And weirdest of all, Xanthe – ‘I’ve seen every episode of every series of Star Trek, so I’ll always know what to do’. What on earth are you on about, Commander?”106

“Um, well …” began Xanthe.107

“Just stop psychoanalysing my crew for five minutes and tell me what this mission is!” shouted Morticia, who had by now completely lost patience.108

Tiggy glared at Morticia for a couple of minutes. “All right” she said, “listen carefully, because I’m only explaining this once.”109

Tiggy enjoyed seeing Morticia and Xanthe’s jaws drop more and more as she explained the orders that Starfleet had given the Enterprise.110

********************111

Shortly afterwards, Morticia sat in the commander’s chair, with Tiggy having taken over the captain’s. Grumbling, she opened a com line to the whole ship.112

“Attention all decks” she said. “We have been given new orders by Starfleet. The ship is about to be turned around to head to the edge of the Delta Quadrant. We have been sent on a mission to enter Borg space.”113

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” came a cry over the com system that nearly shorted out the electrics and deafened everyone on board. 114

“Quiet, Arthur!” yelled Morticia. “Admiral Tiggy tells us that we have a new secret weapon on board that we intend to use against the Borg. It’s so secret that I don’t know what it is – I mean, I’m only the captain, why would I need to know …”115

“Get on with it, Morticia” shouted Tiggy.116

“Old Admiral Bossy Boots” grumbled Morticia. “Anyway”, she continued, “I am placing the ship on yellow alert. I suppose that means we have to change the light bulb.”117

“No, that’s Red Dwarf, not Star Trek” said Xanthe. “Kryten said that in Episode 2 of Series 6, when …”118

“Once again, Xanthe, I have no idea what you’re talking about” said Morticia. “Anyway, crew, we are now on yellow alert. Be on your guard. It will be battle stations as soon as we come within one light-year of the Delta Quadrant. Quinn – full turn starboard, mark 2-1-2-4.”119

“OK Captain Dude” said Quinn. “Everyone just stay mellow.” He turned the ship to starboard and began the long journey towards the Delta Quadrant.120

********************121

Over the next few days, Xanthe and some of her junior science officers briefed the less experienced crew on the Borg. In short, the Borg were a collective intelligence, ruled by a Queen, who was the only member of the Borg to possess an individual mind. The Borg attacked other species and turned them into cyborgs like themselves, in a process called assimilation. 122

“Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!! I don’t want to be assimilated!” cried Arthur. 123

“Get out of my science room” said Xanthe. Arthur raced off, probably to find somewhere to hide.124

“So if we see a Borg ship, we blow it up” said Penrith. “What’s the problem?”125

“The Borg have very sophisticated shields” said Xanthe. “And they adapt quickly to any kind of attack.”126

“Dude” said Quinn. “These Borg dudes are serious dudes then, dude.”127

“Maybe they’ll be friends with us” suggested Noir.128

“No” said Xanthe. “The Borg don’t make friends. They only like other Borg.”129

“Oh well” said the EMH from the viewscreen. “I’m OK anyway. They can’t assimilate a hologram.”130

“They CAN reprogram you” said Xanthe.131

“Oh yeah, let’s just ruin Homer’s day …” said the EMH. “Maybe they’ll reprogram me so I don’t have to say ‘Please state the nature of the medical emergency’ every time I get turned on.”132

“Yes” said Xanthe. “They’ll reprogram you to say things like ‘Resistance is futile’ instead.”133

“Oh, boring!” said the EMH. “These Borg aren’t very creative, are they?”134

“No, they …” Xanthe was cut off by a message over the com system. “This is Admiral Tiggy” came the message, “and I am now in command of this ship.”135

“No you’re not” came Morticia’s voice.136

“Yes I am” said Tiggy. “You’re a captain, I’m an Admiral, I win. I will always be your superior officer, Morticia.”137

Morticia said something in a grumbling tone of voice that no-one could understand.138

“Quiet!” shouted Tiggy. “Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to tell you that we are now 1.5 light years from the Delta Quadrant. We have picked up a Borg Cube on the long-range scanners, and it is heading for us at Warp 9.8 from about 10 light years away. Red alert – all personnel report to battle stations!”139

“Quick, move it” said Xanthe. “Penrith, Noir and Quinn, up to the bridge. Everyone else, report to your stations immediately. Go!”140

The crew scattered, and Xanthe, Penrith, Noir and Quinn headed for the turbolifts.141

********************142

When the turbolift arrived at the bridge, Xanthe, Penrith and Noir raced out, while Quinn meandered out. “Move it, Quinn!” she shouted.143

“OK Commander Dude” said Quinn, “no need to get uncool and heavy. I’m here”.144

“About time you lot arrived” said Tiggy, as Xanthe sat down at a science station. “Where were you?”145

“Briefing the crew on the Borg, like you ordered me to” said Xanthe.146

“Oh yes” said Tiggy. “Right, punch up visual for the long-range scanners.”147

Xanthe did so. The viewscreen was immediately filled by the sight of an enormous perfect cube, bearing down towards the Enterprise.148

“Are you getting this in Engineering?” asked Morticia over the com system.149

“Yes” came Kal-El’s voice, “but Arthur is hiding under the scanner table howling again.”150

“I want to know who in Starfleet ordered him on to this ship” said Morticia. “Well, Admiral?”151

Tiggy ignored Morticia. “Penrith” she shouted. “I want photon torpedoes armed and ready as soon as the cube comes within range. Got that?”152

“Done it already” said Penrith. “I’m always ready to blow things up!”153

Tiggy banged her head on her armrest and kept going. “Noir” she said. “The cube will be here any minute. Make sure all channels are open.”154

“OK, Admiral Tiggy” said Noir. “Maybe I can talk to them and we can all be friends after all …”155

“No!” shouted Tiggy. “Borg do NOT make friends! They just assimilate everything!”156

“But maybe they’ll like ME” persisted Noir. 157

“Noir, be quiet and never say anything again as long as you live” ordered an exasperated Tiggy. “Right. Here it comes.”158

The Borg cube stopped only a hundred or so kilometres from the Enterprise. “Noir” shouted Tiggy, “is the channel open?”159

There was silence from the communications officer. “Well?” demanded Tiggy. 160

“You just told Noir ‘be quiet and never say anything again as long as you live’” said Morticia.161

“Oh no” said Tiggy. “Noir, you can talk again. Is the channel open?”162

“Yes” said Noir. “So can I …” 163

“Right” said Tiggy. “Stop talking again and punch it up.”164

The silver-grey face of a Borg appeared on the viewscreen. Staring straight ahead, unblinkingly, it said “This is the Borg. You will be assimilated. Your distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.” The screen winked off.165

“Fire!” shouted Tiggy.166

“Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!” shouted Penrith, and let loose a volley of photon torpedoes. All of them hit their target but none did any damage. “Oh, that was no good” said Penrith.167

“You wally” said Morticia to Tiggy. “I could have told you that photon torpedoes wouldn’t hurt that thing. You’re just getting old and silly.”168

“Right, I’m charging you with insubordination” said Tiggy. “Stand down, Captain.”169

“I already have” said Morticia. “You’ve taken over my ship, remember?”170

“Good thing too” said Tiggy. At that point the Borg started to attack the Enterprise. Laser and proton beam fire caused the ship to rock violently.171

“How are the engines?” called Morticia over the com system, but all she could hear was “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”172

“Shields are down to 74%” said Xanthe. Then she added “62%” as another volley rocked the Enterprise.173

“So where’s this secret weapon of yours, Tiggy?” asked Morticia. “It would be a good idea to use it before we get blown up or assimilated.”174

“I’m deploying it now” said Tiggy. “Xanthe, drop the shields around the Engineering decks.”175

“What?” asked Xanthe.176

“Drop the shields” said Tiggy. “Let the Borg into the Engineering decks. Seal those decks.”177

“Are you mad?” asked Morticia. “You’re just giving them control of our transporter room and our engines!”178

“Right, I’m charging you with insubordination again” said Tiggy. “Xanthe – I’m giving you a direct order. Drop those shields!”179

“Yes, Admiral” said Xanthe, and did so. About two second later she added “the Borg have beamed aboard Engineering decks 1, 2 and 3.”180

“Good” said Tiggy. “Now just watch.”181

“I just hope I get to watch you get assimilated before they get to me” said Morticia.182

********************183

Chaos reigned on the Engineering decks. Cactus had managed to shoot himself with his phaser as soon as the Borg had beamed aboard, and the Borg were not having very much difficulty with the other security officers. Then they made their way to the main engines, where Arthur and Kal-El were frantically trying to hide.184

“You can’t hide under me!” shouted Kal-El!185

“WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” cried Arthur. “This is it! We’re going to be assimilated and turned into brainless drones!”186

“Nothing new for you then, Arthur” said Kal-El, trying to find a place of his own to hide. 187

“And Tiggy let them in! She hates me! Everyone hates me! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh – oh no!”188

The Borg had found Arthur. 189

“Kal-El! Help!” howled Arthur. Kal-El bravely leapt into a storage cabinet and held it shut from the inside. 190

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” cried Arthur as the Borg advanced on him.191

********************192

Back on the bridge, the officers watched everything unfold on the viewscreen. Morticia, beside herself, yelled out “where’s this stupid secret weapon, Tiggy, you senile old …”193

“That’s three insubordination charges now” said Tiggy, who was still maddeningly calm. “You’re in big trouble.”194

“At least when we’re all assimilated I won’t have to take orders from you any more” said Morticia. “I suppose that’s something.”195

The cats all watched as the Borg found Arthur. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! I don’t want to be assimilated!” came Arthur’s cry as the Borg knocked him down, out of sight of the viewscreen. Horrified, the crew heard the “zzzzzzz” of a Borg nanoprobe being inserted into Arthur’s neck. 196

Arthur was now one of the Borg.197

The cats were all completely stunned. The Borg left Arthur lying on the floor, out of shot, as they searched the engineering decks for more victims.198

Then, something stirred at the bottom of the viewscreen. The cats watched in horror as a Borg-assimilated Siamese cat slowly struggled to his feet. He turned around slowly, stared at the camera, and said:199

“Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I don’t like being assimilated! Waaaahhhh!!”200

Tiggy’s smirk seemed to be light years wide. “What have you done?” asked Morticia.201

“Watch” said Tiggy, with almost infinite smugness.202

On the viewscreen, the Borg suddenly stopped searching for victims and looked at each other, confused. One of them cried out “Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!! I don’t like being a Borg!”203

The last remaining posse of security officers stormed the main engines deck and started shooting at the Borg. The Borg responded with cries of “Waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!! Stop shooting at me! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!! That hurts! Waaaaaahhhhhh!!” Then they turned and ran as fast as they could, to find whatever hiding places were available.204

“We’ve got control of the main engines again” came a report from Custard, a large ginger cat who led the B Security team. “The Borg seem to be malfunctioning or something. Does anyone know what’s going on?”205

A thought suddenly occurred to Xanthe. “Hang on” she said, “I think I do. Arthur was our secret weapon, wasn’t he?”206

“Yes” said Tiggy, whose smugness had now reached levels never previously recorded anywhere in the universe. “It was me who ordered Arthur on board the Enterprise. Even he didn’t know what was going on.”207

“Arthur never knows what’s going on” said Morticia.208

“Quiet, and don’t interrupt” said Tiggy. “The Borg are a collective intelligence. Like they said, they add the knowledge, culture and personality of other individuals and civilisations to their collective mind.”209

“So Arthur overloaded them?” asked Xanthe.210

“More or less” said Tiggy. “We know that Arthur is infinitely wussy. When the Borg assimilated him, they absorbed his infinite wussiness, and now the collective mind is just as wussy as him.” 211

“So why did you waste all those photon torpedoes then?” asked Morticia.212

“Because” said Tiggy, unnecessarily slowly and clearly, “if we had just dropped the shields straight away they might have suspected a trap. No, we had to pretend we didn’t know what we were doing.”213

Tiggy watched the viewscreen as the Borg fled in terror from the security officers. Then she called out “make sure our assimilated crew don’t get off the ship. I think we can de-Borg them.”214

“Can we let Arthur go?” asked Morticia.215

“Oh no” said Tiggy. “His job isn’t over yet.” The cats watched as two security officers grabbed the Borg Arthur, who cried “don’t hit me! Don’t shoot me! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”216

“See” said Tiggy. “Once again I have saved the galaxy.” 217

“Oh no” said Morticia. “I think I need to throw up now.”218

“Not until I give you permission” said Tiggy. “Anyway …” An alert tone sounded in the room. “Is that an incoming message?”219

Once again there was silence from Noir. “All right, Noir, you can talk again” said Tiggy. “Is that an incoming message?”220

“Yes, Admiral” said Noir. “I can’t identify where it’s coming from.”221

“I think I know who it is” said Tiggy. “Punch it up.”222

Another Borg face filled the screen, but this one was different. It lacked the Borg eyepiece, and more significantly, it looked angry, unlike the emotionless drones. “What have you done!” it roared.223

Tiggy smirked even more annoyingly. “I think that’s the Borg Queen” she said. 224

********************225

“What have you done to my drones?” shouted the Borg Queen.226

Tiggy strode to the front of the bridge. “This is Admiral Tiggy of the Starship Enterprise NCC 1701.5. I’ve infected your drones with infinite wussiness – what I call the Arthur-Siamese Virus. If you want them cured, you’ll do what I tell you.”227

“She even bosses the Borg Queen around …” grumbled Morticia.228

“I do NOT take orders from you!” roared the Queen. “You will undo what you have done or you will be destroyed!”229

“Who’s going to destroy us?” asked Tiggy. “All your drones by now will be cowering under scanners or whatever going ‘Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” at the top of their voices. You’re thousands of light years away and you can’t do anything without your drones anyway. No, you ARE taking orders from me.”230

There was dead silence on the bridge of the Enterprise for just a moment.231

“All right” said the Queen. “What do you want?”232

“We want any of our crew you’ve taken back” said Tiggy. “And we want you back in the Delta Quadrant where you belong.”233

“It is the destiny of the Borg to be the masters of this galaxy” declaimed the Queen.234

“It is the destiny of the Borg to be the wussiest species in the universe unless you do what I tell you” replied Tiggy.235

“Fine” hissed the Queen. “We’ll retreat, and we will remove all the Borg implants from that ridiculous Siamese.”236

“Oh no” said Tiggy. “We’re keeping the Borg implants in him, or some of them anyway. That way, if you ever enter Federation Space again, we’ll reactivate his implants and reconnect him to the collective, and turn all your drones into complete wusses once more. Our vet can get the implants out of everyone else.”237

“This is an outrage!” shouted the Queen.238

“That’s the deal” said Tiggy. “Take it or leave it.”239

“I’ve just picked something up on long-range scanners” said Xanthe. “All of the Borg cubes are fleeing back into the Delta Quadrant at maximum warp anyway. They’re all running away and hiding!”240

“See?” said Tiggy. “You get back into your corner and stay there or we’ll leave Arthur connected to the collective indefinitely. Oh, and we’re making a hologram copy of him too, so even when he dies, we’ll have his personality on computer, and we can connect that to your collective. There’s no way out of this, Queenie”, she added, with a sarcastic flourish.241

“I … agree to your terms” said the Borg Queen, through gritted teeth, literally and figuratively. “Your crew will be beamed back on to the Enterprise at once.”242

Then the viewscreen winked off. “Custard, get a security team down to the transporter room and take our crew members to sick bay” said Morticia into the com system. Then she said to Tiggy “I suppose you think you’re going to be made the head of the Federation after this.”243

“Probably” said Tiggy. “I deserve it for being so brilliant, after all.”244

“Oh no” said Morticia. “I think I’d rather be assimilated than listen to this all the way back to Federation space.”245

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By the end of the “day”, Homer had removed all the Borg implants from the assimilated crew, and had removed as much from Arthur as he could without permanently severing the connection to the collective.247

“Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!” cried Arthur. “That hurts! Can’t you take this eyepiece off too? It’s annoying! I’m hungry! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” Then he added “oooowwww!!” as Tiggy, who had marched down to the sick bay with Morticia to supervise Homer’s work, smacked him across the face.248

“That eyepiece is staying, Arthur” said Tiggy, crossly. “That connects into your brain, which is a very impressive piece of micro-engineering, I must say. We can reactivate your connection to the Borg at any time as long as that stays there.”249

“I don’t like it” whined Arthur, miserably. 250

“Tough” said Tiggy. “Anyway” she said, turning back to the EMH, “how is Cactus?”251

“He’s fine” said the EMH. “He’s eating faster than the replicators can keep up.”252

Morticia rolled her eyes and said “so his phaser was only set on stun, then?”253

“Oh no” said Homer. “It was set to ‘kill’. But he shot himself in the head, so there was no real damage done.”254

“I should have known” said Morticia.255

A call came over the com system. “Hi Captain Mum!” said Noir’s voice.256

“Get on with it” said Morticia.257

“Get on with what?” asked Noir.258

“You just called me, dummy!” despaired Morticia.259

“Did I?” asked Noir. “Oh yes, the USS Canberra is within transport range.”260

“Thank goodness for that” said Morticia. “Now I can get my ship back.”261

“Meaning that it will not be run properly any more” added Tiggy. 262

“Yes it will” said Morticia. “Let’s get to the transporter room.”263

A few minutes later, Morticia, Xanthe and Kal-El assembled in the transporter room to farewell Tiggy. “I expect they’ll have a huge hero’s welcome for me back at Starfleet Command” said Tiggy. “I’m so brilliant I even scare myself sometimes.”264

“Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!” said Morticia. “Kal-El, hit that button now”. Tiggy, saluting no-one in particular, dematerialised from the transporter pad.265

“Hooray!” said Morticia. “Kal-El, get back to engineering – you’re in charge until the EMH puts Arthur back on duty. Xanthe, let’s get back to the bridge, in our proper chairs at last.” The Captain and First Officer headed for the turbolifts.266

Back on the bridge, Morticia gratefully sat down in the captain’s seat. “Quinn” she said, “full reverse. Take us back to Federation Space.”267

“OK Captain Dude” said Quinn.268

“Engage” said Morticia.269

********************270

“Huh? What? What’s happening?” said Xanthe, as she woke suddenly with Morticia standing over her.271

“What on earth are you dreaming about?” asked Morticia. “You’ve been muttering in your sleep for ages now.”272

“Oh …” said Xanthe, “the whole thing was a dream. Rats! I was having fun!”273

“What was it, Xanthe?” asked Noir, who was trotting behind his mother as usual.274

“Well, we were all on the Enterprise …” began Xanthe. “Oh no” said Morticia, but Noir said “that sounds really interesting! What happened?” Xanthe then proceeded to relate her entire dream, much to Morticia’s horror and Noir’s excitement.275

“… and then I woke up!” finished Xanthe.276

“Wow!” said Noir. “So Tiggy and Arthur saved the universe!”277

A thought occurred to Morticia. “Hang on” she said, “how do you know who Tiggy and Arthur were?”278

“Um … well …” said Xanthe.279

“Your dream was completely accurate” said Morticia. “Tiggy was the biggest control freak who ever lived, and Arthur really was the wussiest animal in all of history. He made Kal-El look like … well, like Superman. How did you know that?”280

“I didn’t tell her, Mum” said Noir.281

“No, I had assumed you’d forget them by now” said Morticia. “Well, that’s just seriously weird.”282

“Maybe they slipped into an alternative universe where cats do fly spaceships” said Xanthe. “You know, a mirror universe, but not a BAD mirror universe like on the Star Trek episodes starting with 'Mirror Mirror' in the original series …”283

“Oh, quiet” said Morticia. “There are no parallel universes. It’s just … very odd, that’s all.”284

“What’s odd, Mum?” asked Noir.285

“Oh forget it” said Morticia. “Come on, son.” And off she and Noir went, leaving Xanthe to ponder where that part of her dream had come from.286

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