Saint Bernard

Bernard was a hamstherd in the tiny country of New Egypt, which is located somewhere in the vast, unforgiving expanses of Utah. For those of you unfamiliar with the archaic practice of “hamstherding,” it is quite similar to shepherding except with hamsters instead of sheep, and a great deal more poop. Bernard didn’t mind; he found nothing to be more satisfying than tending to his flock of hamsters, guiding them through pellet meadows and fields of running wheels. No one in town had the heart to tell him that his adorable little hamsters were being raised for the slaughter.1

One translucent morning, while the hamsters were frolicking and Bernard was munching his Sausage McMuffin, he noticed that his mailbox, which was situated in the middle of the field for his convenience, had burst into angry, fiery flames. Bernard quickly power-walked over to it and tried to beat the flames out with the nearest pair of hamsters. 2

The Voice of God spoke suddenly from the mailbox: “Bernaaard--” The mailbox cleared its throat. “Bernaaard!”3

“Yes?” he timidly replied, dropping the badly singed hamsters.4

“Change your bloody name!” God yelled, in a perfect British accent. “Change it to something more impressive-sounding, like Moses, or Jesus, or Batman.”5

“Yes, Lord,” said Moses-Jesus-Batman. “Has my mail offended thee, Lord?”6

“What? No, I’m just being symbolic because I have a message for you. And change your name back, I just settled my last copyright lawsuit.” The little flag on the mailbox spun around, got its bearings, and stabbed upward. “Bernard! I’ve chosen you to set my people free.”7

“But Lord, I don’t even know any Jews. Do they still wear little stars?”8

“I don’t mean them. Or any of you humans, you’re all going to hell. I’m cutting my losses and moving on to hamsters. Cute little buggers, they are.” The mailbox bent over and patted one on the head. It caught fire and squealed off across the plains, eventually starting the brushfire that decimated Quebec. “Oops,” said God, “I mean, I planned that.”9

God went on to explain what everyone else had been afraid to tell him: his adorable little hamsters were being turned into adorable little sausages. He waited patiently while Bernard took a big bite of his Sausage McMuffin. 10

“So, when you say they’re being ground into sausage...”11

“They’re in everything you eat.”12

Bernard chewed on this for a bit. As well as his Sausage McMuffin. “So when you say ‘everything you eat’...”13

God got frustrated and banged his mailbox head against a tree, which exploded into a pillar of flame and burned a hole in the ozone layer, which would someday give meaning to Al Gore’s life. “Just go save the hamsters, okay? Can you do that for me?”14

Bernard vowed to stop the heinous hamster-grinding and take down those responsible for it. God muttered something about how it would take a miracle for him to get this right and disappeared. 15

The Grindery loomed on the edge of town, squat and squalid and square and squab-adorned (Squabs are pigeons. Or something). It was heavily fortified, due to hamster sausage being the chief export of New Egypt. The pigeon-things were even trained to crap on anything that came close. Bernard and his hamsters observed this from a safe distance inside the nearby furrier (That's a place that sells furs. Or something). The furrier was on the verge of going out of business, which some speculated was because all of their furs were hamster-sized. And hamster-shaped. Bernard bought a couple out of sympathy, thinking they’d make great birthday presents for his hamsters or maybe even a nifty pair of gloves.16

The cash register suddenly burst into angry, fiery flames, quite to the fur clerk's surprise. The Voice of God spoke from it. “Bernaaard!” 17

“Yes, Lord?” Bernard asked from the floor.18

“What do you think you’re doing?”19

“Whatever thou thinks I’m doing, Lord.”20

“Where do you think hamster fur comes from?”21

Bernard thought. “From thy divine providence, oh--”22

“Jesus Christ,” God grumbled.23

“Is he here too?” Bernard asked, looking around.24

The cash register exploded in a shower of frustrated change. Bernard apologized to the clerk, gave him some money for therapy, and crossed the street to the Hamster Grindery, dodging the fecal fusillade. He’d spotted an air duct opening near the roof and planned to use that as an entry point. That’s how they did it in movies. But how to get up there? Bernard was struck by an idea, and possibly by pigeon poo. He summoned his hamster brigade together and assembled them into a living escalator, which carried him right up to the air duct. He pulled the hamsters up after him.25

They all army-crawled along, the aluminum duct sagging beneath their combined weight. Bernard quickly decided this was too cliché and that they should get out as soon as possible, so he punched out a grating, stuffed his shirt with hamsters, and dove through the opening. There was a squeak-crunch sound as the hamsters cushioned his landing. He disposed of them in the nearest recycling bin.26

Bernard examined the room around him. It was large and warehouse-y, and packed to the ceiling with locked hamster cages. Strange music drifted through the room and, with nowhere else to go, piled up against the far wall. The hamsters were all scared shitless, as evidenced by the impossibly clean cages. It broke Bernard’s heart. No hamster should be denied the right to live in its own filth. He would set things straight. With renewed purpose, he and his hamster militia set off among the cages, following the echoing strains of music.27

As they neared the source of the melody, Bernard began to recognize it as the song “Walk Like an Egyptian.” Being the mindlessly obedient fool that he was, he began to do just that. Except his “Walk Like an Egyptian” looked more like “The Macarena” combined with “The Thriller.” Even so, the hamsters followed suit. It was a curious sight, indeed.28

Eventually, they all Maca-Thrillered their way into the Grindroom, where giant rusty machines ground out hamster sausage, hamster burgers, and hamster cupcakes, among other things. A bucket brigade of henchmen-types passed pails of hamsters along from the cage area, then tossed them, squealing, into the gnashing teeth of the grinders. It was gruesome. And at the center of it all, seated behind an obnoxiously large and ornate desk, stroking the obligatory contemptuous cat, was none other than Mayor John Farro. His long handlebar moustache would have shamed both Hulk Hogan and Rapunzel. From his drawer, he pulled out a hamster and dangled it by its whiskers in front of the cat, who, incidentally, was named Cleopatra. She playfully batted at the hamster with her paws, then unhinged her jaw and swallowed it in a massive gulp. Bernard gagged.29

Suddenly, one of Bernard’s hamsters sneezed (it was allergic to fur) and they all tumbled forward into the room. The bucket brigade froze and the Mayor leapt to his feet. Cleopatra raised her hackles (Hackles: erect neck hairs. Heehee, erect) and hissed.30

“What’s the meaning of this?! You can’t just waltz in here!”31

Bernard considered pointing out that they hadn’t been waltzing, but decided against it. “Farro!” he said, in a loud and, he hoped, awe-inspiring voice, “Let my hamsters go!”32

“Who’s gonna make me?” Farro snarled. “This town runs on hamsters! Everything you eat--” he pointed at the conveyor belts covered in sausage, “everything you wear--” he pointed at a group of little old ladies sewing hamsters into designer clothing, “even the electricity you use!” He pointed at a wall of hamsters running in wheels connected to generators. “This town is nothing without hamsters!”33

“So be it!” Bernard shouted, and charged at the Mayor. The Mayor sidestepped and Bernard hurtled past him into the desk, where he accidentally head-butted Cleopatra into one of the grinders, which quickly turned her into the pissiest looking cupcake you ever saw.34

“Cleo!” Mayor Farro clenched his fists. “You’re gonna be sorry you done that. I’m gonna part your red sea, you bastard!” Farro and his henchmen rushed at Bernard and his hamsters. Bernard started to launch hamsters at their faces, wielding them as effortlessly as a ninja wields throwing stars. The rest swarmed across the floor, which only got them trampled. A bloody, bloody battle broke out. 35

Before long, Bernard found himself one-on-one with Mayor Farro. Farro was holding the handles of his moustache like dual whips, long blonde rattails of death. There were no hamsters in reach; Bernard was unarmed. As Farro moved in for the kill, Cleopatra the Cupcake burst into angry, fiery flames, scaring the bejeezus out of Bernard. The Voice of God spoke out of the burning cupcake.36

“Bernaaaard!”37

“Lord, is that you?”38

“No, it’s the muffin man. Of course it’s me!”39

“What dost thou desire, oh Lord?”40

“I desire thou to not get your ass kicked!” God said mockingly.41

Bernard nodded. “Thy will be done--” He was cut off by the whip-crack of Farro’s moustache, which narrowly missed him. Bernard panicked and kicked the blazing cupcake into Farro’s face. Farro screamed as his moustache caught fire and he ran around the room blindly, trailing fiery strands of hair that torched everything they touched. Soon, the entire building was ablaze, and Bernard had no choice but to flee. He scooped up the last of his hamsters, the only one to survive the bloodshed, and barreled towards the exit. They narrowly escaped.42

From the street, they watched the evil Grindery burn to the ground. A smoldering cupcake hopped out of the wreckage and stood next to them.43

“Bernard?”44

“Yes, Lord?”45

“You’re a complete and utter moron. A bloody idiot. A nincompoop. A dim-witted, addle-brained, thick-as-a-board, sorry excuse for a human being.”46

“Thank you, Lord.”47

The cupcake sighed. “But you got the job done. I suppose I’ll have to saint you or something.” The cupcake imploded with a small POP. 48

Bernard and his final hamster lived happily ever after. The country of Little Egypt suffered dire economic consequences, quickly sank into deficit spending and debt, and finally threw itself into the Great Salt Lake. God decided to start looking for life on other planets.49

The End