I Can't Breathe [[You Find It Cute The Way I Fake Smile]]

I walk carelessly down the halls, avoiding another passerby. Someone shouts hi to me. I turn and smile. I wave, maybe greet them with something random. It's an every day ritual, promenading on the tile, hoping I won't be late. I walk into my class, taking my seat quietly. First period, and I'm quiet most of the time. I tend to talk quietly to the girl next to me, who is very sweet. One of Kat's friends, I take note. 1

But it's not enough to make me genuinely smile. 2

I walk again, after Chemistry, to CAS, my lovely social studies class. Mr. Barton and I exchange a few words. Sitting down quietly, I stare longingly at JT. I know he's not into me, but it's worth every ounce starring at his blue eyes as he is confused on what to do. I finish up my paperwork as usual, and politely start conversations with my neighboring peers. That is, if any of them want to. Most of them just laugh at my stupid remarks; the main reason I do so. I make them smile.3

I can't smile for shit at this point.4

I get to band, the music calming my nerves. Till I see my ex's new girlfriend. My stomach makes me gag, as the acid wants to trail out of my mouth. Tess assures me I'll be ok, but even then, I don't know if I can handle watching her hair and 'grace'. What sickens me about it is that Ryan plans to fuck around with her. Without mentioning this, I smile to her and make small talk. 5

But I smile because it's the right thing.6

I go to math and the only person I get along with is Mark. Mark can make me smile, but...it's not the true smile I can hold. Occasionally, I get asked a math question, but I either lie or say I can't help them. The reality is, I could care less about most of the people in there. But I act like I have an opinion to their useless chatter, their inaccurate quotes. 7

Probably the closest smile I've had today.8

I think the real smile starts to show in homeroom. I think of all the possible ways to kill the teacher and half the students. Obviously, I'm not that crazy to do it. What would be the point? It's nothing but useless in a little town like ours. I look at my cousins, Hailee and Tyler, and they make the smile transform too. With their conversation comes giggles and smiles.9

It's still a fake plaster on my now dark face.10

Lunch is here, and I'm trying to eat. The key word is trying, however. I watch as my ex cleans floors, empties trash cans, and watches me from the corner of his eye. Alex makes me smile, almost like Ryan could force out of me. But Ryan...he tries to hard now. He does it just to make himself happy, I suppose. I'm fine, but he insists on making the smile never fade. I'm fairly good at acting. That, and if he stops working, he'll get the boot. I kind of wish he would. I hate starring at his face when I eat...it makes me want to puke. I can't understand why I loved him.11

And I still can't smile.12

I go to the band room, watching children I barely know play music. It's an ok experience, helping them learn. Then again, sixth graders aren't known for smarts. But I laugh at their amusement and I grin at the comments and jokes made by Grow's merriment. 13

But you'd think this would make it work. 14

Ensemble I play an instrument I just learned. I'm pretty skilled, for a newbie. We work together and let thick harmonies lock in and make a sound so beautiful, you'd make a grown man cry. We talk about history and composers for a while as well. 15

By 2:22, I'm just hoping that I can get a breath of fresh air.16

Marching band practice is when I see him. My Brendan. If I didn't have him, I think life would crash. Then again, Joe's got my back too. I think if Joe, Kyle, and Brendan died, I would kill myself. I would have nothing left. They're my favorites and I couldn't possibly get over that. But they make smile and giggle and I can't help but wonder how. 17

Because staring into his beautiful eyes, I realize, Brendan Eltzroth can make me smile.18

Yet I still can't breathe.