The Hosts

1

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The Hosts
The darkness enveloped her. A ominous, weary cloud that clung like vines draped around her skin filling her surroundings with an ebony fog that clouded her open eyes. The old familiar smell of cigarettes and midnight sex lingered rich in the atmosphere titillating her nose to a time best forgotten in her early adult years. 2

Upright, her bare feet aching to the marrow, Sarah found herself drifting in and out of an uncontrollable consciousnes. Her shuddering body near frost bitten, inside the creaking walls of her nightmare.3

Coming into consciousness Sarah wriggled her stiff fingers. Her wrist numb underneath metal restraints she knew immediately where handcuffs. Twisting and turning her wrist inside the cuffs, Sarah felt around for the release button on both sides of the painful restraints that were digging deeply into her flesh. 4

Recently stainless steel officer cuffs had been made illegal in the country. Sarah knew for she had worked on enforcing the rule. Seeing too many victims fall pray to killers using the kind of equipment only law enforcements were legally allowed to purchase. Sarah had went straight to headquarters to file a request that it be made a law. 5

Now bound by her own achievements Sarah ran her fingers across the cold silver. There had to be a release button. Sarah knew her surroundings like a map imprinted inside her mind. Even in the darkness, the smell of burnt out cigarettes and stale alcohol had penetrated the core of her sharp memory like a cleaver slicing through livestock. She knew that the people who were holding her hostage could not afford to pay dirty money for this kind of equipment. But there was only one question resounding though her mind.6

“Why?” Sarah whispered running her fingers back and forth the cuffs. Over and over again as if by some chance she would blink and there would be two saviors on either side of her wrists.7

“I'm glad you asked that,” A slippery serpentining voice hissed in her ear. Spitting droplets of hot saliva into against her. 8

A warm, salivating tongue licked its way around her ear lobe, sliding inside. Causing Sarah to wrench fervently on her cuffs. Deeper inside it went, giving Sarah the likings of what she once called a wet willy. Only now it felt more repulsive then the many times her younger brother had done it in their adolescent years. 9

“Why is not the question you should be asking yourself my pet,” the voice flickered slowly dragging back the snake burrowing its way inside her ear.10

Overhead Sarah heard the sound of a switch being turned on. The electrical current surrounding it could only mean one thing. It came as no surprise when the spotlight illuminated the circle in which she was standing in. Revealing the concreted stage she once danced on a lifetime ago.11

Sarah look up at the vibrant creme light and closed her eyes. Her first reaction was to run, escape regardless of the cuffs that were starting to strip her bones free of her flesh. She knew the back alleys like a mouse knew all the nooks and cranny's inside a desolate building. If she could make it to the wooden door she could kick her way into the street. But when she tried to but one floor in the other her feet stood rigid. Her ankles cracked with her bodies sagging weight. 12

Sarah steadied herself, standing straight while her head buzzed and her eyes remained closed despite her squinting attempt at noting the exit points of the room.13

“My, my it has been a long time since I have tasted the honey sweet taste of Sarah Blacks deviant supple flesh,” the voice lowered into a soft growl of gratification.14

Sarah shuddered. 15

The voice reverberated around the room. The spotlight dimmed. Was there somebody else in the room controlling the atmosphere, or were her eyes starting to fade into the darkness of unconsciousness? Sarah was no longer sure. What she was certain of was that she had been sedated before she had been taken hostage, but had no recollection of the events before hand.16

A velveteen soft hand caress her thighs. Another flicking the rim of her tight boy cut panties. The man slipped a finger under the the curve of her soft shaved mound. Finding its way towards Sarah's semi-swollen opening.17

“Such, snow white flesh. You always were Madams Porcelain whore,” Sarah's violator hissed again. His sinister voice crawling like spinning spiders across every inch of her shivering skin.18

“Madam?” Sarah asked thinkingly. Madam Sherry Sarah presumed.19

“Ah yes, don't tell me you have forgotten your mistress Miss Black. Madam Sherry didn't take to kindly from your last escape. She lost a lot of money and clients from your Houdini stunt. Now all she wants is one last curtain call for old time sakes.”20

Sarah opened her eyes a fraction. Enough to note the hand that was working down towards her apex, but not enough to make it obvious that she was coming around to consciousness again and was willing to put up a fight.21

Fighting the man of would get her know where. Her legs were beyond immovability. Even if she half ass attempted to inflict her police taught self defense moves on the man. She didn't know him, or what he was capable of. Or even what he wanted for that matter. All she knew was that he wanted to play some sort of twisted sick game with her and to escape unhurt and alive she had to play along with him. 22

Either her eyes were deceiving her or the black masculine hands that were heavily petting the fabric against her beading nub had been painted that color for a reason. His skin was unnatural. Nothing like she had seen before. Sarah had seen midnight black. Worked with exquisite women who could kill a man ten times before they knew they were dead, but this black, even in the deceiving light, was not of a natural skin tone. 23

Sarah scanned his long thick fingers. The mans fingernails were the same color as hers. A light shade of pink, natural to that of a Caucasian. 24

Why was this monster painted black? And what was he trying to achieve by painting himself the color of evil? 25

Sarah could recognize a face from three blocks away. She memorized every line, curve, dimple and wrinkle. She was known for her expertise in claiming a criminal. It would have been almost humorous given she was in another situation that the man would even think that he would get away with this once she got a good look at him. Body Paint or not.26

Who did he think he was going to fool by covering himself in cheap fading body paint?27

“Yes,” The man slithered releasing his fingers from within her panties. Bringing them to the sleeve of her loose cotton tee. 28

Sarah kept her body still. Wanting to sway, shrug his fingers of her body. Even more so wanting to snap each one, breaking the bone with a a satisfying crunch so that he would never worm his way underneath her private garments again. 29

It was the sleazy, dominating demeanor that had finally snapped an intelligent cell inside Sarah's mind so many years ago. This was the business of misery and even more so in the last year the death toll had risen by the dozens. She was to be, but another victim in Madam Sherry's sadistic edge play after school special.30

“Well well, if little boo beep hasn't brought back my little black sheep,” Madam's Sherry's sultry tobacco infused voice drifted through the room like incense in a séance.31

“I take it she is still cuffed Kane?” Madam Sherry asked the man eyeballing his groping hand as it hovered daringly above Sarah's heavy breasts. “Also enjoying the fresh meat I see,” She tusked. 32

“I thought I made it painstakingly clear what the ramifications would be if you laid one finger on Miss Black Kane, but it seems to me that Miss Black's not the only person in this room who needs to be taught the rules of loyalty and obedience.”33

The black painted man pulled his hands away from Sarah's heaving breasts as if he had dipped his hands in a forensic jar of acid. 34

Kane, Sarah thought as she steadied her breathing now paying close attention to Madam Sherry's feral glazing eyes. Where had she heard that name before? It was on the tip of her tongue. Lolling around inside her head.35

“I didn't mean to touch her Madam,” The man said stepping out from behind Sarah's body. One finger extended. Close enough to stab his nail between her cleavage.36

“Save it. We all know where your going and we're all going down the same fiery footpath to Hades. So right now wouldn't be a good time to grovel unless you plan on taking an early vacation. Thank Satan that I happen to need you, because if you lay a hand on Miss Black again you'll be sending both balls in a mahogany casket.”37

Kane walked away. Defeated and not willing to take a chance with Madame Sherry. Everyone who had walked through the doors of the club knew what she was capable of. That she would stop at nothing and had no remorse. She was a dominating machine, radiating power.38

“Now, Miss Black where were we?” Madam Sherry cackled scanning the room, a sardonic smile curling her lip into a bitter smirk.39

“I don't know, you tell me,” Sarah asked coldly.40

“Why am I here? Do you know it's against the law to hold a police officer hostage. When they find me, and they will believe me they will. They will track you down, and you and your poesy of sick bastards will rot in Laden Prison for the rest of your miserable, repugnant lives,” Sarah finished inhaling deeply.41

Sarah's head swam. Her nerves of fire like flickering flames lapping at the burning sensation that surged through her entire body. Wheezing, the cold draft was starting to settle in her chest making her breathing, constricting her throat. It wouldn't be long before it found home in her loin's, marrow deep and without her ventalin she wouldn't last long without suffering an asthmatic attack. 42

Fear rendered Sarah speechless. She was going to die the way her mother did so many years ago if she didn't find a way to escape Madam Sherry and her haunting twisted trip down memory lane.43

“See that's where your wrong Miss Black. They wouldn't have a clue here to find you. Good, little innocent Black. I bet you thought you'd wiped your past clean when you joined the Academy, but let me tell you I have waited a long time for this moment and you are going to suffer for what you did to me. To my family, your family.” 44

“Don't remember Miss Black? We were your family and you turned your backs on us, betrayed us in the worst possible way. Ratted us out one too many times. How many of your brothers and sisters do you think went down because of your sickening, undeserving badge?”45

Sarah stood silent. Counting her breath. Drowning out the sound of Madam Sherry's soporific voice. Concentrating on each breath she took Sarah tried to reassuring herself that if she stayed calm and didn't hyperventilate it would slow the process down. Giving her more time after she made her escape to use the last of her breath to scream for help. Screaming now would ruin her chances and only speed up the process. 46

In her own mind, Sarah neglected to pay attention to her surroundings. The spotlight had dimmed. The room had darkened severely and out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of something flashing in her direction. 47

“You weren't even listening were you Miss Black?” Madam Sherry mocked sliding a switchblade knife underneath Sarah's chin against her throat.48

Sarah felt a cold sweat trickling down her arms, her legs, her back and her neck. Her flesh was beginning to crawl again. This time the thought of death struck the core and lingered inside of her like a knife enveloping flesh.49

“Isn't that one of the first things they teach you in the force? To focus? Then again you never were the sharpest pencil in the wood box were you Sarah?”50

Sarah. Madam Sherry had called her Sarah. How did she know her name? Even after all those years in the club Sarah had stuck too her undercover alias- Sophia, or Black Sapphire as they had called her on stage.51

“How do you...,” Sarah struggled to say, but was cut of by Madam Sherry's Nine inch heel stabbing into her left foot.52

Sarah screamed. The sound reverberating around the empty soulless building. Small droplets of tears formed, and burned as they trickled down Sarah's gritty face. To weak to stop crying, yet not weak enough to give Madam Sherry the satisfaction or the thrill, Sarah sniffed back her running nose and blinked the tears away until the last salty tear slid over her chapped lips and inside mouth.53

“You just shut up,” Madam Sherry said resuming her position. The switch blade digging closer into Sarah's skin.54

“Like mother, like daughter,” Madam Sherry said grabbing a handful of Sarah's oily hair.55

“I'm done with your questioning. You want to take out the trash, well I'm helping you.”56

Sarah exhaled deeply. The mention of her mother igniting a new burning sensation inside her body. This time is was one of rage, and she wasn't holding back. Biting her lip, Sarah opened her mouth to respond. So many questions were running through her mind. If she was going to die, she wanted the truth.57

The last thing Sarah felt before the words escaped her lips was the blade slicing her through shivering Porcelain flesh and the metallic taste of death hitting her bitten tongue.

Author notes

This is a story I have been working on for the past week.
It does need work which is why I am submitting it for critical feedback. When I say feed back I do not mean praise by itself, I am certain there are some elements that need fixing and I cannot always see them by myself so I am sumbitting this piece to get feed back on the following:

. Grammar
. Punctuation
. Spelling
. Plot
. Characters
. Believablity

& Anything else you can pick up on. So do not be afraid to go all out and point out something that needs correcting.

Please also take into consideration that this is an attempt at a stand alone peice of fiction, but if there are any questions about the plot that you think need more work let me know please.

Thank you for your time, support, patience and feed back.
Blair

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Oleander
    October 16

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    Good, should be continued

    My critique would be with beleivability of her having an alias and I wanted to know more about why. I was a little lost near the ending because it didn't set it up. First it was a man and then a woman with the man. I got that. What were their motives? I was dying to know more and I really wanted her to escape. I mean her mother was killed by them, she could have at least tried to get out. And she was in the police force so she had to have an idea. The characters are good though I don't think the male killer would have backed away quite so apologetically and quickly. I think if he had the true bloodlust he would make some kind of remark or something. When he snapped on the electrical power, I thought he was going to electrocute her and that was in my mind. overall It was well written and brought me into the story.

  • SilentMoonDance
    September 6

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    Chilling...

    You could work on the plot more--I really want to here about the mother, more about Sarah and the sadistic, Madame Sherry. Her wierd goonie scared the hell out of me...lol Just a few suggestions... I won't point out everything, since others have...just a few.

    Para 2: "A ominous, weary cloud..." should be "An ominous, weary cloud..."
    comma between "skin" and "filling".
    comma between "atmosphere" and "Titillating"

    Para 3:
    comma between "consciousness" and "her"

    Para 4:
    comma between "conciousness" and "Sara" (Doesn't have to be, but it makes the sentence easier)
    comma between "stiff fingers" and "her"
    Make "wrist" plural.

    Para 5:
    comma between "Sara knew" and "for she"
    comma before "seeing too many victims fall pray..."

    Para 6:
    comma between "acheivements" and "sara"(Again, optional)
    comma between "memory" and "like"
    "...though her mind" should be "Through"

    Para 7:
    "“Why?” Sarah whispered running her fingers back and forth the cuffs." should be " 'Why?' Sarah whispered, running her fingers back and forth (over, across, around...?) the cuffs."

    "Over and over again as if by some chance she would blink and there would be two saviors on either side of her wrists."-Find a way to either combine this with the previous sentence, or make it stand as a complete sentence on its own. Comma between "again" and "as".

    Para 8:
    "“I'm glad you asked that,” A slippery serpentining voice hissed in her ear. Spitting droplets of hot saliva into against her." Comma between "ear" and "spitting". Drop "into".

    There's a few more mistakes, basically the same as I've just mentioned, but I'm sure you'll find them. Other than that, pretty good story--It's very suspenseful, and draws the reader in, however grotesque.






  • dancer.
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    Your plotline is a good one, but sometimes it gave me the feelinging that you were trying to dig too deep instead of just telling the author what the meaning of the story is. Digging deep is an amazing thing, but...you really need to be careful because authors who do that during the whole piece loose their audience pretty quickly.


    Madam? I half think you should say 'madame' because in some cultures just having madam'e' without the 'e' is consider very rude and disrespectful. Just asuggestion...not at all meaning to be hurtful.

    Your characters were pretty good. I give you claps for that. Sometimes they lost my attention and I just stayed focused on editing, but other times that had me really with them.

    You have a really good piece here, you just need to work on not overdoing the adjectives and descriptions....I mean, descriptions are what makes a piece stand out, but...just be careful.

    Best Wishes,
    dancer.


  • tsh369 gold member
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    First of all, you are one of those writers that can make a reader pay attention only to what they are reading, not what has come before. So much so that the reader begins to question their own sanity. So, here is what I see, and some questionable loose ends. Because the typos are pretty much covered below, I‘ll only state the parts that were confusing to me.

    1. Sarah is in the dark, she’s cold, handcuffed, in and out of consciousness from being drugged, and standing up. With no mention of the man Kane early on I believe that she is alone in the room. So, my questions.

    Why is she standing up? She’s half out of it from the drugs so I’m wondering: What‘s holding her up? Where are her hands? in front of her, behind her, or above her head. They can be numb from the cold, the cuffs being too tight, or that her hands are above her head.

    2. We have an extensive knowledge of her being a cop, with the handcuff thing, and #22
    yet the way I understood it she was in this before she was a cop and if she was why would she be shocked when Madam Sherry says her real name #51, M. Sherry knows Sarah‘s mother? Kane says Sarah In #14. She didn’t go undercover until after the academy.

    3. You made a point of telling your reader about Kane painting his body black but never said why, if it was subtle, then it was too subtle because I’m going to let my imagination run wild.
    You have all the answers, as the writer, it is not my job to make up my own conclusions, I can do that on my own and not have to read. That’s too subtle to me.

    So the overall idea: Sarah- a cop now, was in the business (prostitution? Madam points to this… A real life- bloody play where people are really killed while an audience is watching?) she gets out of the business, goes to the academy, comes back undercover and starts busting people, then she herself is caught her cover of being a cop is blown, she’s standing of her own choice, in a cold dark room, hand cuffed and waiting her fate. A slimy jerk feels her up, Madam Sherry sends him on his way with a few threats, we learn Madam Sherry knows Sarah is a cop and turning in her ‘family’ sherry’s own mother was killed, then Sarah is killed. well executed. The end.

    ( disclaimer: in no way is this meant to be rude, or cause any hurt feelings, I’m sorry if it came across as such)

    My opinion: it was a neat idea if a bit unfinished feeling.

    Hope that helps.

    Th.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    Hi dearie

    I got the great opportunity of hearing all about this while you were working on it

    It is a profound dark and highly visual piece that I quite enjoyed. The picture is creepy but fits perfectly among the story

    You know me by now- I like to help with edits and what not, so I do have a constructive review for you to help out The errors are minor, easily fixed

    My suggestions:

    P2: The old familiar smell of cigarettes and midnight sex lingered rich in the atmosphere titillating her nose to a time best forgotten in her early adult years.

    comma after atmosphere

    P4: Her wrist numb underneath metal restraints she knew immediately where handcuffs.

    were (not where)

    P6: Now bound by her own achievements Sarah ran her fingers across the cold silver.

    comma after achievements

    P7: Sarah whispered running her fingers back and forth the cuffs.

    over the cuffs

    P8: “I'm glad you asked that,” A slippery serpentining voice hissed in her ear. Spitting droplets of hot saliva into against her.

    lowercase the 'a'. delete 'into'

    P9: A warm, salivating tongue licked its way around her ear lobe, sliding inside. Causing Sarah to wrench fervently on her cuffs.

    earlobe is one word. turn the period after inside into a comma and lowercase the c in causing.

    A warm, salivating tongue licked its way around her earlobe, sliding inside, causing Sarah to wrench fervently on her cuffs.


    P9: Only now it felt more repulsive then the many times her younger brother had done it in their adolescent years.

    than (not then)

    P10: the voice flickered slowly dragging back the snake burrowing its way inside her ear.

    comma after flickered

    P11: Overhead Sarah heard the sound of a switch being turned on.

    comma after Overhead

    P11: It came as no surprise when the spotlight illuminated the circle in which she was standing in. Revealing the concreted stage she once danced on a lifetime ago.

    delete 'in which'. turn the period after in into a comma. lowercase the r in revealing.

    It came as no surprise when the spotlight illuminated the circle she was standing in, revealing the concreted stage she once danced on a lifetime ago.


    P12: cranny's

    crannies

    P12: But when she tried to but one floor in the other her feet stood rigid.

    I don't understand what this sentence is supposed to be saying... so I don't know how to correct it right now.

    P17: A velveteen soft hand caress her thighs.

    caressed

    P17: Another flicking the rim of her tight boy cut panties.

    add 'at' after flicking. (Another flicking at the rim...)

    P17: The man slipped a finger under the the curve of her soft shaved mound. Finding its way towards Sarah's semi-swollen opening.

    turn the period into a comma and lowercase the f in finding to make that one sentence.

    P18: You always were Madams Porcelain whore

    Madam's. lowercase the p in porcelain.

    P18: His sinister voice crawling like spinning spiders across every inch of her shivering skin.

    crawled (not crawling)

    P19: Madam Sherry Sarah presumed

    comma after Sherry

    P20: don't tell me you have forgotten your mistress Miss Black.

    comma after mistress

    P22: Fighting the man of would get her know where.

    off (not of). no (not know)

    P22: All she knew was that he wanted to play some sort of twisted sick game with her and to escape unhurt and alive she had to play along with him.

    comma after her

    P23: Either her eyes were deceiving her or the black masculine hands that were heavily petting the fabric against her beading nub had been painted that color for a reason.

    comma after her. comma after nub

    P24: The mans fingernails

    man's

    P26: It would have been almost humorous given she was in another situation that the man would even think that he would get away with this once she got a good look at him. Body Paint or not.

    comma after humorous. comma after situation. lowercase the p in paint.

    P28: “Yes,” The man slithered releasing his fingers from within her panties. Bringing them to the sleeve of her loose cotton tee.

    lowercase the t in the. comma after slithered. turn the period into a comma and add 'and'. lowercase the b in bringing to make one sentence.

    "Yes," the man slithered, releasing his fingers from within her panties, and bringing them to the sleeve of her loose cotton tee.


    P29: Wanting to sway, shrug his fingers of her body

    off (not of)

    P30: She was to be, but another victim in Madam Sherry's sadistic edge play after school special.

    no comma after be. edged. after-school.

    P31: Madam's Sherry's

    Madam Sherry's

    P33: “I thought I made it painstakingly clear what the ramifications would be if you laid one finger on Miss Black Kane, but it seems to me that Miss Black's not the only person in this room who needs to be taught the rules of loyalty and obedience.”

    comma before Kane. turn the comma after Kane into a semi-colon.

    P35: Kane, Sarah thought as she steadied her breathing now paying close attention to Madam Sherry's feral glazing eyes.

    comma after breathing

    P36: “I didn't mean to touch her Madam,” The man said stepping out from behind Sarah's body.

    comma after her. lowercase the t in the

    P37: We all know where your going

    you're

    P37: ...Miss Black again you'll be sending both balls ...

    comma after again

    P39: Madam Sherry cackled scanning the room

    comma after cackled

    P41: When they find me, and they will believe me they will. They will track you down, and you and your poesy of sick bastards will rot in Laden Prison for the rest of your miserable, repugnant lives

    get rid of the first 'they will'. turn the period into a comma. lowercase the t in they. posse (not poesy).

    When they find me, and believe me they will, they will track you down, and you and your posse of sick bastards will rot in Laden Prison for the rest of your miserable, repugnant lives


    P42: Wheezing, the cold draft was starting to settle in her chest making her breathing, constricting her throat

    comma after chest. making her breathing hard. add 'and' after the comma.

    Wheezing, the cold draft was starting to settle in her chest, making her breathing hard, and constricting her throat.


    P44: See that's where your wrong Miss Black

    comma after See. you're (not your). comma after wrong

    P46: Concentrating on each breath she took Sarah tried to reassuring herself that if she stayed calm and didn't hyperventilate it would slow the process down.

    comma after took. reassure (not reassuring). comma after hyperventilate

    P50: Then again you never were the sharpest pencil in the wood box were you Sarah?”

    comma after again. comma after box. comma before Sarah

    P51: Even after all those years in the club Sarah had stuck too her undercover alias

    comma after club. to (not too)

    P52: Madam Sherry's Nine inch

    lowercase the n in nine

    P53: To weak to stop crying

    Too weak

    P55: Madam Sherry said grabbing a handful

    comma after said

    P57: This time is was one of rage

    comma after time. it (not is)

    Last paragraph:
    The last thing Sarah felt before the words escaped her lips was the blade slicing her through shivering Porcelain flesh and the metallic taste of death hitting her bitten tongue.

    comma after lips. through her (sounds better than 'her through'). lowercase the p in porcelain. comma after flesh.



    This was an astoundingly visual piece that I can say nothing short of amazing. You gave incredible twists, too, and a dark creepy setting. I'm almost curious to know more about this sadistic woman, Madam Sherry.

    I did not read any of the previous comments before I started my critique, so if someone else has already pointed out the errors, I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record

    Great work as always


    Pixie


  • therenaissancegirl gold member
    September 3

    Edit | Reply

    Dear CCC Member,

    Notes:

    Paragraph 2: "A omninous" should be "an ominous." I think you should also put commas after "skin" and "atmosphere" so the sentence is better-paced. This occurs often throughout the story--by separating clauses with commas/semicolons, they'll sound less run-on.

    Paragraph 4: "where handcuffs" -- were

    Paragraph 5: "Sarah had went" -- "had gone" sounds better, IMO

    Paragraph 14: "Sarah Blacks" should be "Sarah Black's"

    Your description and imagery is fantastic. It kept me entranced throughout the whole story through, and that along with the plot made me forget to look for mistakes after that point lmfao Then when I went back to see if I could spot some, I realized that Gezza already pointed out everything I found. So yeah.

    A wonderful story; why haven't I read more of your stuff before? Great job, PM!

    Renaissance


  • Lauren Noir
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    Loved the first paragraph.
    You described it so well, I every sense was catered for.
    The situation you put her in was very interesting. There was a fantastic mystery around her.

    The voice you described was so brilliant, it was chilling. I think, though, when you made me wet willy reference it sounded a bit silly, in with the sophisticated language.

    In paragraph 18 should it be "Madam's"? I've adored it so far. God, so much tension. The person being described it incredible. Even when you were talking about her being...caressed, it was sophisticated and not "he tweeked her dripping cunt."

    The descriptions of the madam were so subtle, it was delicious, I did want to know more, though. Nine inch heels?! My, my

    the way you put in her history and her present were amazing.
    You're skilled at unravelling the story.

    Oh. My. God.
    The end was fucking amazing. I'm so glad there wasn't an "and they lived happily ever after", therefore I give you ten out of then for believability.

  • I Write naked gold member
    September 3

    Edit | Reply

    very creepy

    Hey, I am going to do a little critique of your piece. I mean this to be helpful, an it is wrote with the best of intentions.
    The first thing I would like to say is you do a very good job of creating the atmosphere. There were times I almost felt like i was in that room.
    There are a few things I would like to point out that may help make the story a little better. I will give an example of each, but I will not point out every occurence.
    The first thing is some of the writing is a little redundant. There is an expample of that in the very first paragraph. You basically say the room is dark twice. Another example in that paragraph is your description of the scent in the room. That is repeated again in paragraph four.
    The next thing I would like to point out is a slight problem with word sprawl. There are times when you use too many words to describe something. This little part is a perfect example of that
    "The electrical current surrounding it could only mean one thing. It came as no surprise when the spotlight illuminated the circle in which she was standing in. Revealing the concreted stage she once danced on a lifetime ago."
    There are two sentences to describe a light coming on something that is instantaneous. I dont't want to rewrite your work but something like "Then suddenly on snapped a bright light."
    There are several expample of in this piece of this in this piece.
    The next few things are more a matter of personal taste. I feel as thought a few of your analogies are out of place. The first one I noticed is the wet willy one. The part about handcuffs being illegal took me out of the story. I get what ou was trying to do there with a little ironice twist. I also know that sometimes there must be a little break in the action to give some background information, but I feel it takes the reader out of the story too much an is not neccesary. A little technical thing I want to point out is that you have Sarah suprised the madam knew her name at one point but earlier The creepy painted black guy knew her name.
    I do have to admit I am suprised you kept my attention with this piece. That is very impressive, seeing the protagonist pretty much sat in a chair the whole story. This says a lot about your abilities as a writer. I hope this little review is just a tiny bit helpful.


  • gezza gold member
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    Hi PM

    Here is a technical editing treatment of your work:

    para 2 - "A ominous" hsould be "An ominous". Comma after "skin". Probably best to make last sentence clearer by slight change as follows: "The old familiar smell of cigarettes and midnight sex lingered rich in the atmosphere, titillating her nose, taking her to a time..."

    para 3 - "consciousnes" should be "consciousness".

    para 4 - Used "consciousness" a second time, perhaps a little too close to the first use in the previous para - you might want to substitute one of them with a synonym. Might need something like "was" after "Her". Repeated "wrist" - too close together.

    para 5 - Strongly suggest moving "Recently" to after "been" - flows better. Suggest not using "rule" - not quite right - perhaps "statute"? "pray" should be "prey". "enforcements" should be "enforcers". "went" might be better as "gone".

    para 6 - "cold silver" - wasn't the cuffs stainless steel? "slicing through livestock" - an original description but doesn't ring quite right - did you want to compare something that penetrates quickly, effectively? - if so, I would have thought a cleaver would have a hard time with livestock. "though" should be "through".

    para 7 - comma after "whispered". probably better to continue the two sentences - "...forth the cuffs: over and ..." "saviors" is in US English - do you want to consistently make it Aussie or US English?

    para 8 - "A" should be "a". comma after "slippery".

    para 9 - First sentence doesn't read properly because you don't state where "in" is with the tongue action - suggest adding at end of sentence "her ear, causing Sarah..." (and combining the two sentences). "likings" is curious - is this what you meant?

    para 10 - "Why" should be "'Why'". comma after "yourself". comma after "slowly". "burrowing" is sort of the wrong tense - suggest "...the snake that had burrowed its...".

    para 11 - consider moving "Overhead" after "heard". suggest combining last two sentences, separated by a comma.

    para 12 - "look" replaced by "looked". "cranny's" should be "crannies". The second last sentence doesn't read - suggest you look at it. "bodies" should be "body's".

    para 13 - comma after "closed".

    para 14 - comma after the second "my". suggest change "honey sweet taste" to "honey sweetness". "Blacks" should be "Black's". Suggest full stop for dialogue, and "the voice" becomes "The voice".

    para 17 - switch "velveteen" and "soft". Suggest combining the last two sentences.

    para 18 - Remove comma from first sentence. "Madams" replaced by "Madam's". suggest "Porcelain" is lower case (or "whore" upper). "crawling" should be "crawled".

    para 19 - comma after "Sherry". "thinkingly" is an interesting adverb - not sure, but not grammatically incorrect.

    para 20 - comma after "mistress". "to kindly" should be "too kindly". "old time sakes" - should be "old time's sake", unless you meant it to be incorrect.

    para 22 - First sentence should be "Fighting the man off would get her nowhere." Perhaps hyphenate "half-assed" (adding "ed"). Perhaps hyphenate "police-taught". comma after "wanted". comma after "game with her", as well as "alive".

    Para 23 - "color" - discussion about US vs Aussie English. Perhaps separate sentence 4 and 5 with semicolon, instead of full stop.

    para 24 - "mans" should be "man's". "color" - as discussed. perhaps separate last two sentences with a dash.

    para 25 - "color" - as discussed.

    para 26 - At this stage I will stop commenting on Aussie vs US English. Second last sentence doesn't scan.

    Para 28 - "The" should be "the". comma after "slithered" - not sure this is a legitimate qualifier for dialogue - perhaps "hissed"?

    para 29 - "the bone" should be "the bones". remove "a a". "crunch" should be "crunches".

    para 30 - comma after "Well". Dialogue should be finished with a full stop.

    para 31 - comma after "cuffed". comma after "man". "She" should be "she". "tusked" should be "tsked".

    para 32 - consider combining this para with the previous.

    para 34 - perhaps "jar of forensic acid".

    para 35 - comma after thought. also after "now". "Lolling" should be "Rolling".

    para 36 - "The" should be "the". comma after "said".

    para 37 - "your" should be "you're".

    para 39 - comma after "Miss Black". comma after "cackled".

    para 40 - perhaps "coldly" comes before "asked".

    para 41 - a little disjointed between paras 40 ad 41 - sort of contradictory. However, either way, both dialogues are by Sarah, so the paras should be merged. Full stop after "lives" instead of comma. sentences 2 and 3 should be combined. Pretty sure "poesy" is wrong - not sure what you wanted.

    para 42 - Second sentence doesn't scan well - perhaps "Her nerves were like flickering..." Perhaps "difficult" added after "breathing". "loin's" should be "loins". comma after deep.

    para 44 - comma after "wrong". "here" should be "where".

    para 45 - should be amalgamated with para 44 - merge the dialogue. "backs" should be "back".

    para 47 - "In her mind" could be taken the wrong way to a reader.

    para 48 - comma after "were you". comma after "mocked".

    para 49 - "struck the core" should be "struck to the core".

    para 50 - comma after "again". also after "box".

    para 51 - "too" should be "to".

    para 53 - "To weak" should be "Too weak". Perhaps second "tear" should be "drop".

    para 54 - comma after "said". "digging" should be "dug".

    para 55 - comma after "said".

    para 57 - "This time is was" should be "This time it was".

    Again, MP, a great story. Hope you didn't mind me being extremely pedantic. Some general observations - you need to use commas more, to regulate the flow of text. Also, you need to be more familiar with the grammar of dialogue, especially in relation to commas, when to use full stops, etc.

    I notice that you use a style where you use short sentences that really are continuations of the previous sentence. This is sort of OK, but not grammatical. I would suggest you need to refrain from it, except in dialogue.

    Despite all my commentary, the important thing is that this story is intense, atmospheric, and very well structured.

    cheers

    Gezza


  • nobbyskypekiller
    September 2

    Edit | Reply
    A few comas/apostrophes/letters missing here and there, and one or two mistakes like "your" instead of "you're", but nothing huge, just reread it once or twice.
    So, the overal genre was meant to be erotica/horror/mystery/thriller, as far as I can see. The premise is quite intriguing and the story's well-written, but there are a few moments: while the story is well stylized, the erotic part needs some expanding in my opinion, not sure how exactly, though. The thriller/horror part's done really well (I could definitely "feel" the atmosphere), as for mystery, to be honest it's more of just confusing than intriguing most of the time. From what I got from reading it, Sarah seems to be having some sort of amnesia concerning her past and her mother, but it's all sort of too obscured. Giving reader a little bit more "bite" would intrigue him/her much more, imo
    The characters and descriptions, are, as always, fun and living, cheers


  • eirini
    September 2

    Edit | Reply
    Very well written, and this isn't an offhand comment. I think the descriptions were well detailed and I particularly liked Madame Sherry's lines, I think they had a nice air to them which added to her sadistic demeanor. As for improvements etc, I think you have the grammer and punctuality already covered in the previous comment so I'm not going to repeat it. As for the characters, so far they're excellent I like the mystery behind Sarah's mother and I think she would be one of the more interesting characters. Though I assume you don't want to reveal all about the characters so soon. Therefore I guess I would like to read some more of this before I make any more specific comments on the characters.

    beginning: 5, language: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.

  • Tomereader
    September 2

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good piece. You create a nice, creepy atmosphere. Your characters are individuels, each with their own distict persona.
    A few bits I picked up on are:

    p5 "Sarah had went straight to headquarters ... " - should be 'had gone'

    p12 "creme" - cream,
    the last sentence does not make sense "But when she tried to but one floor in the other her feet stood rigid. Her ankles cracked with her bodies sagging weight." I am sorry I cannot offer a suggestion but I cannot work out what you are trying to say.

    p17 "A velveteen soft hand caress her thighs." - should be caressed. I loved "A velveteen soft hand" very good.

    P18 Excellent imagery.

    p20 "Madam Sherry didn't take to kindly from your last escape." should be ' ... to your last escape'

    p22 "Fighting the man of would get her know where." - nowhere. "Her legs were beyond immovability." - imobility (sp?)
    "Even if she half ass attempted to ..." lose the half ass, it sounds a bit lame to me, not your usual high standard.

    p28 "“Yes,” The man slithered ..." slithered may be the wrong word if it is for a verbal inflection, I can see what you are trying to convey but I cannot think of a better word.

    p29 "... shrug his fingers of her body." - ...Off her body.

    p37 "We all know where your going ..." - 'where you're going'

    p42 "Wheezing, the cold draft was starting to settle in her chest making her breathing, constricting her throat." - making her breathing - What? difficult, painful,?

    p46 "Sarah tried to reassuring herself" - either drop the 'to' or change reassuring to reassure.

    p49 "... like a knife enveloping flesh." try 'a knife envloped in flesh'.

    This is just editing but I know what you mean by being unable to spot the things in your own work, I am a terror for that. It's reassuring to know I am not the only one LOL.

    This is a good read and leaves me wanting more. I only hope these 'nasties' get their come uppence.
    Well done for another excellent tale.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

  • gezza gold member
    September 2
    Edit | Reply
    PM

    I'll get back with a more detailed treatment within a day or so.

    Overall Impression.

    I like it, and I am particularly impressed with your language - the emotion, images, action - and in particular in terms of darkness, evil, insanity (perhaps), degeneracy, and (for want of a better word) sliminess. The words that are chosen are well pitched, and many are original in terms of imagery and simile.

    You intersperse character backgrounds well in this piece - they do not interfere with your flow, but add depth to your storytelling.

    Each of the characters are individuals - they are well portrayed and are distinguishable.

    You state that this is a stand-alone story - her death is defiant and I can sense a natural end to the short story, but it doesn't quite feel like an end to me... not completely. I can expand on this observation if you like, but I am assuming at this stage you know what I mean. I don't think you need to change the plot - just perhaps some rework of words that emphasizes the defiance, the moral triumph of Sarah, and giving the reader a sense of conclusion.

    Tomorrow I will present you with a grammar/spelling/style treatment. More the former two, as your style is very, very good. You have a heap of typos and there are some grammar issues creeping about here and there. Nothing an editor can't point out for rapid fixing

    I think this was an atmospheric and tense/emotional piece. Thanks for allowing me to read it.

    cheers

    Gez

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