The Second Coming (screenplay)

THE SECOND COMING1

INT. UNKNOWN BEDROOM. DAY/NIGHT2

Theme Music: The HOLY-sounding THEME for HALO 33

Scene: MEDIUM SHOT--A HUMAN FIGURE is situated in the CENTER of the frame, with an INTENSE LIGHT blaring behind what looks to be his head, BLURRING the entire image. As the CAMERA PANS OUT the image comes INTO FOCUS. At last, it is JESUS. As the HOLY part of the THEME dies down and the DRUMS begin to pick up, you can HEAR A CLATTERING. As the theme PICKS UP, we realize JESUS is BOBBING AND WEAVING and his UPPER BODY is GYRATING ERRATICALLY, his eyes SQUINT AND WIDEN inexplicably4

DIRECT CUT to –5

FULL SHOT of JESUS who, we now realize, is just sitting on the couch, mashing buttons and playing HALO, he WRESTLES with the controller doggedly until the music escalates into a crescendo and we see a HALO videogame CHARACTER get BLOWN UP ONSCREEN by a grenade, the MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY as his character is killed and JESUS THROWS the controller across the room saying …6

JESUS:7

Goddammit!8

DIRECT CUT to –9

JESUS coping with his frustration by MESSING WITH HIS HAIR, 10

DIRECT CUT to –11

JESUS STARING at something OFFSCREEN12

DIRECT CUT to –13

An ANALOG CLOCK, on a plain wall, TICKING AWAY, 14

New Theme Music [I AM HUMAN by THE SMITHS], we hear only the OPENING RIFF as the camera PANS BACK, displaying an AMERICAN IDOL POSTER on the wall, the DRUMS kick in15

DIRECT CUT to –16

BLACK BACKGROUND, WHITE LETTERS, CENTERED17

THE SECOND COMING18

CONT. Theme Music [I AM HUMAN by THE SMITHS] 19

DIRECT CUT to20

BLACK BACKGROUND, WHITE LETTERS, A WORKING TITLE PRODUCTION21

DIRECT CUT to22

AMERICAN IDOL FANS SCREAMING23

DIRECT CUT to24

Black, Credit #2: (actor;Jesus) , 25

DIRECT CUT to26

PENTACOSTAL FREAKS CHEERING27

DIRECT CUT to28

Black, Credit #3: (actor; Simon Cowell)29

DIRECT CUT to30

Jesus getting dressed, he has a closet full of the same exact tattered robes and sandals31

DIRECT CUT to32

Black, Credit #4: (actor; Randy Jackson)33

DIRECT CUT to34

EXT/DAY/SUBURBIA 35

JESUS WALKING out the DOOR and getting into his TRUCK, his truck reads: IMMACULATE CONCEPTIONS: INDEPENDENT CARPENTRY36

DIRECT CUT to37

Black, Credit #5: (actor; Paula Abdul)38

DIRECT CUT to39

INTERIOR SHOT of the TRUCK as JESUS LOOKS at his fuel gauge. DIRECT CUT to a brief shot of the GAUGE NEEDLE ON E. DIRECT CUT to JESUS’ TRUCK PULLING OVER, cut to a fast-laced MINI-MONTAGE of JESUS trying to hitch a ride with his THUMB out towards PASSING CARS, he gets EGGED and starts PUSHING his tuck into a GAS STATION40

DIRECT CUT to41

Black, Credit #5: (actor; True Believer)42

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JESUS trying in utter FUTILITY to PARALLEL PARK his TRUCK44

THE MUSIC begins to FADE gradually as we45

DIRECT CUT to46

EXT/DAY/DOWNTOWN.47

JESUS getting MASHED up within the throng of JUBILATED FANS, he is tired and frustrated, people keep FLAT-TIRING him48

DIRECT CUT to49

the sun blazing away, burning its way through the blueness of the empty sky50

JESUS enters the AUDITION ROOM51

SIMON COWELL [WHISPERING TO RANDY]: Told you he wasn’t black52

JESUS [NERVOUSLY]: Hi. I'm a big fan ... I, uhh, will be performing one of my favorite numbers for you now ... I hope you enjoy it.53

JESUS FANS HIMSELF with both hands and shakes off the shudders with a couple of well-placed JAZZ HANDS. He EXHALES in preperation and --54

MUSIC BLASTS: CONGA, by GLORIA ESTEPHAN55

JESUS is shown singing the exact same version of the hit song and even managing to split himself into numerous bodies in order to play the various required instruments. Playing congo drums, guitar, synthesizer, maracas, and even a xylophone. He's playing like a man possessed. 56

JESUS: Come on, shake your body baby,57

do the conga58

I know you can't control yourself any longer59

Come on, shake your body baby,60

do the conga61

I know you can't control yourself any longer.62

Come on, shake your body baby,63

do the conga64

I know you can't control yourself any longer65

Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger66

Don't you fight it till you've tryied it67

Do the conga beat!!---68

SIMON COWELL [INTERRUPTING]: STOP! Stop it right there, that's quite enough, thank you.69

JESUS [SWEATING & PANTING]: Wha-Whassamatter?70

MOMENT OF UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE ...71

SIMON COWELL: Wow. Jesus, I hardly know where to begin. Let me ask you something, is this your idea of a Second Coming, because to tell you the truth I found that simply abominable. I’d expected fire and brimstone, the four horsemen of the apocalypse or as very least a swarm of locusts. It was pitiful, and I’m a fan of Gloria Estephan but you simply crucified that song. In complete seriousness, I’d rather be whipped and stoned and have my hands and feet nailed to a cross than to hear that awful performance one more time. I’d wander the desert for 40 years, build an arc, and murder my first born son than to go through that horrendous display one more time. You are a disgraceful waste of life and god, in all probability, hates your guts.72

DIRECT CUT to73

GOD, sitting next to SATAN, with a beer watching American Idol in heaven: 74

GOD:75

HAH! Tell ‘em, Simon![chugs his beer and gestures SATAN for a fresh can]76

SATAN: Ho, hoah! Snap!77

RANDY JACKSON:78

Yo dawg, you know you my Dawg, Jesus Dawg, and I rock you shit everywhere dawg, (pulls out Jesus piece and Jesus screams in fright, “Ahk! Put that away), relax dawg this cross is like waaaay too small fo yo ass. Now look, Dawg, I’m sorry to say this but I just wasn’t feeling it. The dancing was amazing, but I swear that sounded nothing like Conga. And you’re literally all over the place, here. You gotta stick to what you’re good at, like being executed and worshiped and having people die in your name and all that kind of stuff, you know what I’m sayin? And I’m a worshiper, dawg. I like your robes and your sandals and the hair and all that stuff, dawg, I’m tellin you, dawg, I like yo style. But do something about that beard, man cause for reals son you lookin’ straight up musty, dawg. 79

DIRECT CUT to80

JESUS:81

[SCRATCHING his HEAD in speechless CONFUSION]82

RANDY JACKSON [CONT]:83

I mean our country is out there fighting terror, man, and the beard, I dunno, dawg, I just ain’t down with all that, and America ain’t down for all that—Paula? [LEANS back into his seat contentedly]84

CAMERA PANS over to PAULA ABDUL who is STARING charmingly at JESUS and CRADLING her chin on her interlocked fingers85

DIRECT CUT to86

JESUS:87

[CENTERED, acting ANXIOUS and quietly seeking mercy]88

DIRECT CUT to89

PAULA ABDUL:90

Oh, Jesus—you seem like such a sweet guy. I don’t know why but I have this strange feeling I’ve known you forever. But sweetie, as much as I accept you as my Lord and Savior and my gateway into the Kingdom of Heaven—and by the way, I think you’re doing a terrific job with that—I really don’t think that this is the right venue for you. Have you thought about going back to Nazareth?91

Randy:[INTERRUPTING] Or Heaven, dawg. They say that place is the bomb, son.92

Jesus: It’s overrated—and Nazareth is a shithole, I take it you haven’t been … look, guys, I have potential—I mean, c’mon, I was Christing it up out there … how else am I going to reach people in these times?93

Judges confer and deliberate94

SIMON COWELL:95

Armageddon96

JESUS:97

That movie sucked. Ugh, Michael Bay!98

[puts finger in his mouth and pretends to gag]99

DIRECT CUT to the judges conferring in whispers, nodding toward one another as they look back at jesus. 100

PAULA ABDUL: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, you’re just such a nice guy, and we really appreciate that you made it here all the way from Nazareth, but—101

Jesus: Orange County, actually.102

Simon Cowell: [coughing] JEWBAG! Thank you for your time, next. 103

Jesus comes BURSTING out of the doorway in TEARS104

JESUS: Lord why have you forsaken me?” 105

Direct Cut to 106

God with a beer watching American Idol in HEAVEN, sitting next to SATAN who is DOUBLED OVER IN LAUGHTER SLAPPING HIS KNEES continuously107

God:108

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (wiping tears)109

Direct cut back to 110

JESUS, who’s CRYING hysterically as he MARCHES out through the halls of the BUILDING with rugged determination, carrying a sullied heart unable to contain his UNRULY attitude.111

Music: [piano] “What if God Was One of Us”112

Jesus:113

It’s alright. I’ll be back. I’ll be back and I’m-unna-show’em, Imunna show’em I HAVE what it takes to be an idol. I’s BEEN the American Idol, dey’s just be forgettin. Dey’ll see, I’ll show’em. I swear tah GOD immuna showem all!114

Direct Cut to 115

God with a beer watching American Idol in HEAVEN, sitting next to SATAN who is DOUBLED OVER IN LAUGHTER SLAPPING HIS KNEES continuously116

SATAN NUDGING: NUDDGING his elbows into GOD and LAUGHING MANIACALLY] Hah, you’re FUCKED, old man!117

EXT/SUNSET/CITY STREET118

A MAN approaches JESUS in the street119

MAN: Lord? Lord is that really you? Oh, heavens! Salvation, my Lord. I beseech you, O holy one, offer me salvation!120

JESUS: Snatches the WATER BOTTLE from the MAN's hand, snaps his fingers and turns it to a bottle of wine. JESUS takes a legendary SWIG.121

JESUS: Get your own goddamned salvation! I’m going back to Utah.122

[JESUS walks off drunkenly into the sunset]123