With Love, Guinevere (part four)

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Life moved on, never giving me an appropriate amount of time to mourn the loss of my world, my life. Liam continued to keep me close by, continued to protect me. I kept dismissing the rage of emotion in my heart as nothing but puppy love, an excuse my mom gave me as an exit route to a bad relationship in eight grade. I was scared to give into my heart for many reasons. Accepting him meant accepting so much that I had just spent the last numberless months ignoring and despising with a sickly purple passion. 2

Yet, I could feel him in so many ways that it had begun to scare me. He had asked me out several times, but I kept putting him off, kept saying that I couldn't date until I was 16. The excuse didn't phase him, but neither did it stop him from dating other girls. Caroline was the first of his girlfriends that I had been truly jealous of. But then she had been the first to completely take his attention away from me. They had spent hours on end making out while they were hanging out with the regular group and that had really stung me.3

That was the first I had dragged myself from the group, so jealous that I could barely stand looking at him. I hung out with Valerie every now and then and walked around the school with Melinda, anything not to go to the cafeteria. Also, since Caroline didn't hang with the likes of Val, that gave me solace in the hour and a half of Biology. I liked Valerie; she was spunky and fun to be around. She wasn't afraid to tell you what she thought of you.4

Carol had no sympathy for me. She never understood what I saw in Liam and had no inclination of not hating him. It quickly became a silent agreement that I didn't talk to her about it. But she never failed to insult him and antagonize him whether I was present or not. She hated him like she hated Harry Potter and like it or not, I learned to keep my mouth shut at that school. To put it delicately, I wasn't in the most brilliant group at the school. But the way the school acted, you couldn't distinguish the intelligent from the idiots. 5

It's sad that the happiest day of my life back then had come when Liam and Caroline split up. Amber and Petra understood my gloating little smile when they told me why Caroline was no longer a Juggalo. They didn't say anything but I knew they understood. Nobody who had watched us couldn't tell me they didn't understand. It took a couple more weeks of aching loneliness after the split for Liam to begin to hover protectively again. I gave him my heart with silent acquiescence and life went back to, well -not quite normal, but as normal a life in that school could possibly get.6

Conversations were a pleasant blur with Liam, Dusty, Petra and Amber hovering protectively over me. Tim grew distant before he disappeared and resented my relationship with Liam.7

Eventually, Liam asked me about the pink and gold band I used to wear on my left hand ring finger. I had been wearing it to scare guys from asking me out. I couldn't lie to Liam, however, and I'm not sure why. I was talking to Val when he turned to me suddenly, "You're not married are you?"8

"Huh?" I just asked, inelegantly.9

He gestured to my hand.10

"The ring?" I asked.11

"Yeah," he grunted in reply.12

Relieved and embarrassed, I flushed, answering, "Oh! Of course not!"13

His face lit up with ill-hidden relieve as I laughed out loud in surprise. Me - married? The implication was infathomable, if not funny. The ring was just that, something pretty and the finger I wore it on was just protection for myself. He let his guard down that way, letting me know a majority of the depth of his feelings. He let me know, without meaning to, that he cared enough to make sure that I didn't have ties elsewhere.14

Marriage. The question seemed so surreal. We were barely fourteen, how could I think of marriage with high school and college ahead of me? Unfortunately, things tend to happen that you're not entirely prepared for. I couldn't say I had fallen in love just yet. I felt as if I were yet too young to consider true love. I knew that I cared for him deeply. His attention and careful protection of me had already begun to salvage the wounds dug into me by a friend I had known since kindergarten. Brian had been looking for love and acceptance while I had begun searching for the knowledge I yearned to have.15

***They say time heals all wounds. Time cetrainly takes away physical pain. How long does it take to heal grief, REAL grief and heartache?***16

Love,17

Guinevere18