“Madonna – Like A Virgin!” She shouted above the music. Mark grinned and shook his head.2
“I was going to say that!” He said smirking. Sarah laughed, patting his thigh.3
“23 – 2, I think you could say I am winning.” Mark scowled.4
“I let you win.” He said with a straight face. Sarah looked at him for a moment, and then burst into laughter.5
“Yeah right, of course you did.” Mark turned back to the road, driving over the crest of a huge hill. Below them lay Sennen Cove, a beautiful little village with a breath-taking white sandy beach and crystal clear water.6
Sarah gasped in pleasure as she looked at the view.7
“Oh Mark! It’s so beautiful!” Mark nodded in agreement.8
“The waves look quite high today, should be fun.” Sarah rolled her eyes. 9
“You’re not going to be in the water all day are you?” She asked, her mouth set in a line. Mark shook his head.10
“No, I won’t be. I have to eat sometime.” He said with a grin. Sarah hit him lightly on the arm.11
“It’s a good thing I like you!” Mark laughed out loud.12
“ZZ Top, Legs! Mwhahahahaha!!!” Sarah scowled.13
“I’ll give you that one, but I’m still winning.” She said in triumph.14
~*~15
Sarah zipped up the back of Mark’s wetsuit, her gaze drawn to the bulge between his muscular thighs. She kissed his cheek.16
“Go have fun out there.” She said with a grin, closing the car door behind her. She lifted her huge camera putting the strap around her neck.17
“You’ll be ok won’t you?” Mark asked in concern and Sarah nodded.18
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll take some pictures and chill out.” Mark smiled claiming her lips gently.19
“Ok Babes.” He got his surfboard down off the top of the car. He ran off down the small slipway into the pounding surf. Sarah got her blanket from the boot of the car and took off her shoes, throwing them onto the back seat. The scent of the sea filled her senses, and for a moment her head began to spin, disorientating her. She shook her head to clear it, blinking her eyes quickly to clear her vision. She sighed; maybe it was because she hadn’t eaten breakfast? She thought flippantly. She started to walk down the steps to the white sand below, her feet being caressed by the softness. Mark waved as he treaded water, just a little out to sea. Sarah laid down her blanket and sat down waving back at him. Her head was feeling really weird. She sat down with a plop, her hand going to her head. She swore at herself; this was just like her – getting ill when she was trying to enjoy her first holiday with Mark. She lay down on the soft blanket; maybe she would feel better if she had a nap – she thought. In moments she was unconscious.20
~*~21
Sarah moaned, trying to move in her sleep, but her arms seemed to be paralysed. She opened her eyes, noticing the sun was now low in the sky. In the cotton wool of waking, it took her a moment to focus. Her arms and legs were tied using thin strips of leather that cut into her wrists painfully. Her head moved in panic, wondering how she had gotten there.22
“Mark!! Mark!” She screamed frantically, pulling at the leather thongs until she drew blood.23
“Be still ye damnable wench!” A male voice taunted.24
“Do Thee not be knowing that it takes longer when ye struggles.” Sarah tried to focus her eyes on the man the voice belonged to.25
“Please let me go, I don’t know why I’m here. Where’s Mark?” The man chuckled.26
“Ye lies even when death approaches! Ye are a true piece of work Anne George.” Sarah struggled even more, the pain of her wrists bringing tears into her eyes.27
“My name is Sarah, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The man stood over her, his beard grizzled, his clothes dirty and smelling of stale fish. 28
“Ye ratted us out Anne, Ye ratted us all out to the Kings Men. Now ye have to pay.” The waves began to lap at Sarah’s bare feet and she screamed.29
“You’re Bloody Mad! Let me go!” A woman’s voice broke through the sound of the approaching waves.30
“She speaks with the devils tongue! Death to the Devils Whore!” More voices joined her in chorus.31
“Death! Death! Death!” They screamed. The water washed over Sarah’s body. She screamed as the water washed into her open mouth, she spat it out gasping for breath.32
“No!!!!!!!!” She screamed, closing her eyes as another wave washed over her. A roar of approval went out through the mob. This is it; Sarah thought in panic, I’m going to die.33
~*~34
“Sarah! Wake up!” Hands shook her roughly. Sarah’s eyes flew open, her eyes not quite believing when she saw Mark in front of her. She threw her arms around his neck.35
“Oh God! It was awful Mark. They murdered me, staked me out and left me to drown while they watched.” Mark held her close as she sobbed against his wetsuit.36
“Oh Sarah, you’re trembling!” He said kissing her cheek gently trying to calm her down.37
“You had a bad dream Sarah, that was all. You’re probably tired from all the travelling last night.” Sarah lifted her head and looked around the crowded beach. People were surfing and enjoying the sunshine. Sarah took a deep steadying breath and got to her feet.38
“Are you feeling better now?” Mark asked and Sarah nodded.39
“Want to go for some food?” He asked and Sarah smiled.40
“Yes Thanks.” Mark took her hand, leading her to the car.41
“I know just the place.” 42
~*~43
Sarah felt a familiar sense of déjà vu as she walked through the doors of the First and Last Inn, Lands End. Her hand clamped to Marks she allowed him to lead her through into the main bar.44
“What do you want to drink Babe?” He asked her as she led her over an illuminated square in the ancient stone floor. She stopped, her heart ceasing for a moment in her chest.45
"I know this place!" She said in panic looking down at her feet at the deep hole below the glass. Mark frowned.46
"What do you mean? You've never been to Cornwall!" Mark said, his voice betraying his disquiet.47
"I know this place, I used to live here." Sarah whispered her fingers touching the stone wall. Suddenly a bolt of electricity went through her and cried out grabbing onto Mark for support.48
"I lived here with my Husband, we used to store all the smuggled goods brought over on the fast boats from France. My Husband was a simple man, he didn't realise that we were being set up as the scapegoat, so I went to magistrate and turned Kings evidence in exchange for a lighter sentence. The other smugglers broke into here one day and dragged me from my bed. They staked me out on the beach at Sennen Cove to drown, while they watched on in triumph." Mark looked over at Sarah his face white with shock.49
"How did you know this?" He asked pointing to a plaque high on the stone wall. Sarah looked up, reading what it said. All at once she came to her senses, grabbing on to Mark afraid that she might fall.50
"Shall we get out of here Babe?" He said finally and Sarah nodded.51
"Somehow I don't feel much like the beach now. Can you take me home?" Mark nodded, his mind in turmoil. He didn't know what he had just witnessed, but it scared him, maybe more than he cared to admit to himself. They walked outside, climbing into Mark's car. He turned on the radio, starting the engine and pulling out of the carpark.52
"Iron Maiden, Bring your daughter to the slaughter!" Sarah shouted, breaking the painful silence of the car. Mark grinned.53
"Like I said, I'm letting you win." He said, patting Sarah's thigh. Sarah smiled as they passed the sign that meant they were finally leaving Sennen and the ghosts of the past behind.54
"How about Bodmin Moor?" Mark said, and Sarah laughed.55
"Sounds great!" She said looking forward with a faraway look in her eyes. Mark took a deep breath and dismissed it. Sometimes there just wasn't any point trying to rationalise things.56
Author notes
This is based on a true story of a woman called Anne George who lived in Sennen Cornwall in the 17th Century - here is the blurb from the Ghost website I visited.
Anne George
Location: Sennen - First and Last Inn
Type: Haunting Manifestation
Date / Time: 2004
Further Comments: Anne was the wife of a fence who profited from smuggling. She turned king's evidence against her husband's 'business' partner, but was drowned by several villagers who were also involved in the trade. Anne continues to haunt the inn, manifesting in black clothing, and has been observed many times by the current owners.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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The beginning doesn't grab me and there's a confusion with your verbs. Try putting them in one tense. "The music blurred from the car stereo as Mark drove the car around the winding country lanes" Blurred? I know what you are trying to describe but this one just doesn't seem to fit. It doesn't roll off the tounge. It makes your brain go: yikes!
"The late September sunshine was unseasonally warm; Mark had wound down his window, so cold air blew into his face to cool himself down." This is an example of the verb tenses I was telling you about and it's wordy. You can easily rearrange that sentence and extract several words. (I'm not saying any of this to be mean but my suggestions will help with your flow of the piece. It's almost jumpy.) There are some beautiful sentences thrown in there and some that I wonder why they are there. "Sarah zipped up the back of Mark’s wetsuit, her gaze drawn to the bulge between his muscular thighs. She kissed his cheek."
We go from would could be the beginning of an intense moment to a kiss on the cheek which is child's play. It's not only confusing it hurts. It hurts the flow. Another thing you might want to look into is punctuation. I hold a strong aversion for it but when you write stories you have to stick to it like glue.
I love what you have here! You have TONS of potential and I would love to see this improved upon. I'm never harsh on purpose, I just try to be honest.
Yink
If you revise send me the link.
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Interesting story... I must admit, I thought you were going to take it in a different direction. That's so cool that it's based off a true story! However, I feel like it got a bit cliche toward the end... I dunno. I just feel like you could have taken this story further.
I agree with Alces Linguistica; the dialogue is a bit confusing. I'd also watch your punctuation/run-on sentences.
In the sentence "The music blurred from the car stereo as Mark drove the car around the winding country lanes" the word "blurred" doesn't make much sense. Perhaps you meant "blared"?
I think it was kinda odd the way that Sarah assembled the story so quickly. I dunno; I just think realizations come to people that quickly... Not like I'd have any experience with that subject, LOL.
Great beginning! I'd like to see this developed more.
Kyla -
Nice! I really like it, the plot is wonderful and I like your characters and style and details.
A few things I would recommend editing:
- the dialogue is a little confusing, since it's often followed by actions by the other person. If you could state who says each line it would be easier to understand.
- the punctuation on the dialogue needs a little editing - I don't know if you capitalize after a ? or ! ending the line but I know if the spoken line ends with a period you change it to a comma and don't capitalize the "he said" part.
- the "bulge in his pants" made me think it might be an erotic story. Don't know if that's the effect you were intending.
- and an echo of night-serpens above me. It felt like it should have gone on or ended earlier, the climax was unclear. -
you stopped too soon
this has a lot of potential, though. you set it up well, you described VERY well, you started getting into some creepiness with her weird reaction and then just... stopped. develop it a little more... talk about WHY she saw that sort of "flashback"... why it freaked him out instead of pissing him off or making him think she was crazy or playing a prank or something. develop the connection between fact and fiction
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chilling
Oooh! This is truly fascinating! Gave me chills! Yikes! Good chills that is. Excellent work for your first! -
this was a great story, I loved this Nice work here, very brilliantly written, I have to say for the first out of 25 years you have done a very awesome job congrats.
sincerly Mort. -
Cool! This could go so many different ways, are you going to continue? Was she really Anne or was she being haunted? I want to know I want to know I want to know!!! (they really shouldn't give me an hour lunch...)
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I LOVE THIS!!!! OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!! AGH! I want more! NOW!
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Mmm here's hoping there's many more stories t
Heh! I see so many ways how you got your inspiration on this
Shame there's no mention of the tent...




