Nobody's Home

She walked and hollowing winds followed her.1

She had walked for miles, and every step was more painful than the last. Her worn shoes were too small and her once dainty feet now dripped blood.2

The girl trudged onwards. She was young but it was hard to tell her exact age, her weary eyes had seen far more than someone her age should have. She had a certain elderly fragility about her. The girl walked with a constant hunch and her eyes flickered like a wary animal. Her gasps for breath came quick and fast. 3

On she walked.4

The girl looked up towards the end of the street. She had finally found the place she had been looking for. Her steps quickened, allowing more agony to grip her feet. A grand manor stood before her and she stumbled to a halt in front of the tall black gates. They shone in the sunlight with beautiful flowers and leaves writhing up its spokes. The flowers and leaves were wrought in iron. The girl had always seen these gates as magical.5

The wind tugged at the girl and crumbling leaves swirled round her ankles. She dared take a deep breath but was punished for it. She began to cough and choke, sending pain soaring through her chest. Her thin frame trembled and she bent over, her face a picture of misery. Daggers clawed at her throat, bringing tears to her eyes. She wasn’t a stranger to tears.6

Eventually her cough subsided and she stood up to admire the glorious building that stood proudly in front of her. A surge of familiarity and memories flooded through her, bringing more tears to her glistening cheeks.7

In her mind she saw the gleaming stonework of the manor. She saw the shining wood and stone floors, the soft rugs that adorned them. The girl had once lain on the thick fur rugs and stared up at the ceiling, the chandeliers winking at her. She remembered how her father had told her off for lying on the floor, but he had always done it with smiling eyes. The girl had beamed back at him and thrown her arms around him. She had always thought when she was young, that her father was the best man in all the world. She had soon learnt that this judgement had been very wrong. The girl led her memories away from her father before more furious tears overwhelmed her. She thought back to the colourful paintings and tapestries that had lined the walls of this great manor. The girl had thought up stories to go with each one. That had delighted her mother who had collected them all. She had loved art and music and her children of course. They had been her great joys in life, but they had been cruelly snatched away from her.8

The girl placed a hand on the bent and worn gate. It towered above her like Death, no longer glistening and black. It did not welcome the girl like she had expected it to. The magic was gone. Rust crumbled in her fingers as she pushed the unlocked gate. The ominous creaking disrupted the silence, its echoes awakening the memories that had gone into slumber.9

She walked up to the front door; the lion knocker she had adored was missing. The paint was peeling, the glass was broken and the lock smashed. This door had once seemed so impenetrable; it had kept her safe from the scary world outside. She had spent the last seven years in the scary world outside with nothing to protect her. The girl opened the door and stepped inside. She was home.10

The wooden floor beneath her was cracked and scarred with scorch marks. Needles scattered the floor. With dismay she noticed they were all empty. They may have succeeded in alleviating her misery and despair. Heavy tears poured from her wide hazel eyes. The tapestries were rotting, the paintings shadowed in dust. The rugs were gone and all that was left of the chandeliers was broken glass that crunched underfoot. Grief weighed on her heart; she couldn’t cope with the upheaval of emotion that ran through her veins. The girl’s mind was in turmoil, chaos reigned. She had thought this place would bring her calm, but battle still raged through her. 11

The girl went into the living room; it had once rung out with laughter and happiness. It only emitted sadness now. She looked up at the large mantelpiece. The golden crucifix that had always sat there still did, unmoved and unchanged. Yet everything around it had changed, including her. The girl’s faith had seeped away long ago. If there was a God, why had he never helped her? She didn’t want to be what she had been forced to become. She had fallen from grace and so had this magnificent house. She knocked the crucifix to the ground. The effort and the rising dust sent her into fits of coughing again. It felt like her heart was tearing within her.12

After several minutes she recovered. The girl left the room and re-entered the hall. She made for the stairs, ignoring the other shattered rooms that no longer brought her welcome. She kicked off her shoes and weakly grabbed the banister to prevent herself from falling. Tears clung to her eyelashes. With the determination of a mountain climber she battled the grand stairs, clouds of dust surrounding her like the mists of time. The girl eventually reached the top and collapsed as further coughs attacked her insides. Dark crimson footprints marked her trail.13

She shuffled along the corridor towards her favourite room in the house, her bedroom. The girl entered her old room. Its once bright colour had faded as had her hopes. The room was heavy with the smell of mould, though she was used to that smell by now. The furniture was broken and full of woodworm but the bed remained standing, layered with moth-eaten blankets. Posters, depicting cute animals such as horses and dogs, lined the walls but these creatures seemed like demons in the half light. The girl could not stand up for much longer so she sat on the bed, weariness pulling her down. Her ancient teddy bear still sat on her pillow. The girl picked it up and placed it on her lap. When she had been a little girl, this teddy had always dried her eyes with its soft fur and cheerful face. Nothing could dry her eyes now. Tears continued to fall.14

This girl had nothing left; all the good things in her life had abandoned her. She was lost and had sought the place where she belonged. She had travelled far to find her home and here she was. But this was not her home; it was as abandoned and neglected as she was. Her eyes were red and puffy but sunken with dark purple shadows hanging below those wary eyes. Silver scars lined her wrists, mutilating her once pale beautiful skin. Rough knotted hair framed her gaunt face, dark with dirt. Beneath her ragged clothes all her bones were visible. The girl’s teeth and nails were torn and yellowing. 15

The girl crawled under the blankets and pulled them over her. Her breath rattled and she shook violently under the old bedclothes. She gently closed her eyes. This was not her home; she had not found what she had left behind all those years ago. This was nobody’s home.16

Author notes

I'm not sure about this, I feel that this story could be better but I don't know how to achieve that. I'm not used to writing this kind of story, this is my first one like it so any help/suggestions would be appreciated

Contest: Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne

A contest entry

How could it be improved? Does it need a better ending?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Myryca
    January 8

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    This is good, but I would agree that it could be better. Not because of your writing but because there's so much that's left unexplained, and it's an unusual sort of situation the character is in.

    It can be okay to leave the reader to decide what happened sometimes, but I don't think what you have here lends itself to that. Maybe because it feels somewhat unfinished... I'm not sure. It just doesn't feel like it has a strong ending.

    I was actually expecting, at the end, that she was going to curl up under the blankets and die. I think that would give it a stronger ending and might make it feel more complete. Unless that's what you meant to happen... but if so I think you definitely need to say it specifically. Just an extra sentence or a couple extra words would do. Something like "She gently closed her eyes and the last of her breath left her."


    You wrote this really well for it being the first of its kind that you've done. You maintain the sad feel of it all throughout really well, so well done with that. It was a good read.


  • Forever Unperfect gold member
    December 23, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Very emotional...
    I truly loved reading this piece.
    I hope to see your story on the finalists list.
    This is a very moving and deep story.

    Thanks for entering & good luck!
    Katie.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • I Write naked gold member
    October 16, 2009
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    I like the way this was written. It seems a little incomplete for a story, but a very nice piece of writing


  • Deadly lily
    October 16, 2009
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    Cool

    Lov this story

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Jaz-
    October 16, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely done, good job!

    You are a very good writer, and as soon as I started reading, I had no choice but to keep reading.
    The ending was sad, but so well described, I could literally picture everything in my mind.


    Claps for you!

    jaz

    language: 5, plot: 5, characters: 5.


  • HeartOfGlass
    October 11, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    What happened to the home? As for the ending, all sad endings leave me feeling unfinished so no. This is good. Good job!


  • SaffronGreenSpirit
    September 27, 2009

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    Wow. This is pretty good. It would be better if you included some extra information, like what did her father do, and why the house fell into decline. You could do a whole long story about this, which would be more entertaining.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    September 13, 2009

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    I enjoy the visuals you present in this piece- allowing me to picture the girl easily, and the emotions are done well also.

    It does seem unfinished, though, and I would really like to know how this poor girl became this way. What happened?

    Suggestions

    P3: She was roughly 20 years old

    write out twenty

    P8: She remembered how her father had told her off for lying on the floor but he had always done it with smiling eyes.

    comma after floor- I just think it would make the sentence smoother

    P10: She had spent the last 7 years in the scary world outside with nothing to protect her.

    write out seven


    Everyone else already pointed out the other errors and made the suggestions that I agree with

    This has wonderful potential! I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

    Pixie


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    September 13, 2009

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    I must first admit that this brought tears to my eyes in a way that looking at old pictures of long ago relatives does. When she was reminiscing about her life, I couldn't help but do the same. This piece was quite touching, and I could feel her pain--both the emotional and physical.

    I think, as is, this does make for a good prologue, but it isn't a stand alone story, in my opinion.

    In a few places, I don't feel like I can connect with her. For instance, when you refrained from going into her father and why her judgement was so bad. I really think that this would help the story some.

    Also, perhaps you can give us a reason why this is happening to her. How did she go from being that crazy kid on the thick fur rugs to standing in front of the mirror, abandoned and neglected?

    I did see a few places that need commas, but I believe the previous readers caught them. Overall, this was very good. Had me crying.


  • Lauren Noir
    September 12, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Oh dear, poor little feet.
    I liked the continuous pain and you described the start very well, I was intregued.
    There was a lot of pain that was described really well. Some parts I did feel like I was being stabbed.
    I enjoyed the end, but I do think that a re-draft will help, this will help with finding a better narrative voice and get rid of a slight cliché tone to some little odd sentences and maybe you'll find out more things about the character, that can account to a new ending you're more happy with, but for entertainment value I enjoyed this.

    Well done


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    September 12, 2009

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    you started really well *claps*

    which is why I think you need a strong middle. You see, I loved your first line (it was what made me click on this) and the second paragraph.. and I think that while the following bits are 'good,' you should not settle for just that. The following are my honest opinions, and I sincerely hope that I can help you improve this piece. Though, please take note, it is not a flame.

    After the second paragraph, you did more telling than showing. When you described her age, you can imply that while she looked young, it was hard to guess because her eyes appeared to have seen far more than someone her age should have.. or that the way she walks respects that life had not been an 'easy walk' for her.. Just a suggestion, because you have a lot of imageries (like She wasn’t a stranger to tears.6) and given that I did like what I read, I'm hoping I can contribute to its improvement, even a bit.

    some small things:
    Daggers clawed at her throat[,] bringing tears to her eyes.

    Eventually her cough subsided and she stood up straight...
    * you can delete 'up' I don't think anyone can 'stand down straight'

    A suggestion:
    The girl placed a hand on the bent and worn gate. It towered above her like Death, no longer glistening and black. It did not welcome the girl like she had expected it to. The magic was gone. Rust crumbled in her fingers as she pushed the unlocked gate. It creaked ominously.9

    to:

    The girl placed a hand on the bent and worn gate. It did not welcome the girl like she had expected it to. Instead, it towered above her [like Death - umm, I never really thought death glistened and was black... but perhaps you can liken it to a strong image, let's say, an aged lighthouse worn by time and the tides? Or something that didn't seem welcoming at all, like some forgotten doorway to her childhood haven or something.. then maybe you can emphasize rust that the once-glistening-black-steel had collected after years or decades of 'waiting to be remembered']. Rust crumbled in her fingers as she pushed the unlocked gate. The ominous creaking disrupted the silence, its echoes awakening/rousing the memories that had gone into slumber. (The last part.. I thought that it might be fitting, since the next paragraphs do have her delving into her memories...)

    I enjoyed this.. it reminds me of Disney's Beauty and the Beast (when Belle was walking through the West Wing), and it also proved to me that "memories are good, but that's all they are.." No matter how much we look back on the past, we can never go back.. Physically, maybe we can, but the feelings and other things just won't be enough for us to relive the joys of the past. Not all the time anyway.

    Thanks so much for this read Hope I was able to help ^_^


  • LaVieBohemme
    September 10, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is a wonderful! Very discriptive, yet also catches the attention of the reader.

    Plot: 5
    Language: 4
    Theme: 4
    Brownie Points: 3 (desperation)

    Total: 16

    Great job on this! Truly wonderful.

    (Just a random comment... You should read Emily Dickinson's poem "I years had been from home." It's got the same theme as this. )


  • BlackTide
    September 9, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    since you were a finalist I read a random section (paragraph 7) and rated you a 10 9with ten as the highest lol) nice job!


  • BlackTide
    September 9, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, since I already explained that I only read hooks (until I start to judge), I really liked your hook! I read the first line and paragraph. One tip (if you six this I will count the edited version in the contest:

    "She walked (walked could be changed to a better synonym, since you also use "walk" in the next sentence) and hollowing winds followed her.

    She had walked for miles, and with every step her feet became more painful (a few thing with this, you could change "painful" to "pained" or a synonym of pain. One you can re-order your sentence, like "every step was even more painful than she last"). Her worn shoes were too small for her and her once dainty feet now dripped blood."

    Either way though, this caught my eye. I'm going to add u to the finalist list. When I judge you could make it... or not. Good luck!


  • Lawrie gold member
    September 9, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Hello young Lady

    This is poignant, full of sorrow and very descriptive. The sadness, the utter helplessness of the girl is clearly shown and very well highlighted throughout- well done

    I enjoyed reading this piece because, although sad, it is well written and I could follow the girl's progress throughout.

    Having said that, I have called it "piece" instead of "story" for a reason - it seems unfinished to me. The ending is fine, but, to me anyway, it is more like the ending to a prologue.

    I know where the girl is and how she is feeling, but I don't know how or why.

    How could it be improved? - Give the girl a name, this will give more empathy between the character and the readers; they will have more feeling, more sympathy for her plight. At present she is just another unnamed statistic. Explain how she came to be in the state she is. There's a hint, but only a hint, that her father is not the person she thought he was. Don't hint - show the readers why this is so.

    What was left behind all those years ago? Once again, no one really knows, so show the readers, let them know. NB: It can't have been too many years ago for she is only twenty years of age (or thereabouts).

    As a story, I find this to be missing too many components as stated in the previous two paragraphs, but as a prologue to a longer story, I find it an excellent write that wants me to read on. Why not use these emotional scenes as a prologue and then "go back in time" and tell the story of this sad young girl? I'm 100% sure it would be a truly enthralling novella/novel.

    A few suggestions, some of which are purely personal preference.

    Give the girl a name, this not only pulls in the readers' sympathy, but will also give you more leeway than just using 'her', 'she' or 'the girl'.

    para 2: Her worn shoes were too small for her and her once dainty feet now dripped blood. - A little bit of repetition here. May I suggest getting rid of 'for her'. It's already established the shoes are hers.

    para 5: Her steps quickened(,)

    para 5: They shined (shone) in the sunlight(,)

    para 7: flooded through her(,)

    para 8: great joys in life(,)

    para 11: bring her calm(,)

    para 12: everything around it had changed(,)

    para 12: if there was a God(,)

    para 13: She made for the stairs(,)

    para 13: Dark crimson footsteps marked her trail up the stairs - May I suggest 'up the stairs' be removed. It's already known she's walking up the stairs.

    para 14: the smell of mould(,)

    para 14: the bed remained still standing layered with moth eaten blankets - 'still' is not required. I would place a comma after 'standing'. 'moth eaten' should be hyphenated.

    para 14: Posters(,) depicting cute animals such as horses and dogs(,)

    para 14: When she had been a little girl(,)

    A lovely piece of skilled, descriptive writing, although I see it more as a prologue than a complete story.

    You're good - really good


  • Trendster
    September 4, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Well, you can include her past and people related to her then................it is a beautiful effort! Thanks for entering.


  • Other Side
    September 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I like it a lot. Great job.


  • AnDamaDew Moderators member
    September 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    This was very nice. I liked it alot. I can not think of many way to acctualy improve it, maybe change a few wordings here and there to make things flow a little better.

    I happened to love the ending very much, though that is just my oppinion.

    Hope this helps.

    Good job, keep up the good work.


  • ArcDeIrisxXxRainbow
    September 2, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    omg this fits the song perfectly. thnk ufor entering my contest, and good luck to you in any future ones u enter. definitely the best entry so far.

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