Living Dead

Sometimes, she feels like she’s watching the world from the inside. It’s like looking through a glass box to the outside. At one time, it felt like a protection. Now it just feels like a prison.1

She wishes she could just tell someone what it feels like. But she can’t even put words to it: this pain she feels inside because she knows that nobody will ever understand. She looks in the mirror everyday and wonders who the fuck that person is looking back at her. She doesn’t even recognize herself anymore.2

Sure, it’s her. But it’s not. It’s not her personality. It’s not her smile, her laugh, the light in her eyes. Those things are gone. They left her some time ago. She doesn’t know when or where. And the really sad part is, she doesn’t care. 3

She goes through her day, just like any other day. Except for the fact that today is Sunday, which means no school. Always a silver lining in the damn gray clouds. At least she can look at that and smile since she knows that somehow, the clouds feel just like she does: sad, hopeless, gray with despair.4

She wonders if anyone would notice if one day, she just didn’t go to where they expected her to be. She wonders if anyone would miss her, perhaps even ask, ‘where is she?’5

She decides to try, and then she knows. Nobody truly cares. Nobody asked, nobody wondered. They all went on with their petty little lives, not knowing that not too far away, someone was dying because they didn’t pay attention to her pleas for help.6

One day, she decides that it’s not worth it anymore. So she closes her eyes, and steps faithfully, hopefully, into oblivion.7

Of course, she wasn’t supposed to wake up. She wasn’t supposed to be found. She concludes that it’s just her luck that just when she didn’t want to be found, didn’t want to be cared about, somebody takes that step.8

And so, she gets the help she needs. But she realizes that if she had just kept things down low, it would be better.9

But it’s worse. She gets better, but things don’t. She tries again, but it’s too late. She wants more, but is given less.10

She is one of the living dead.11