Nights From The Past [3#]

'And then February knocked on the door and the night that I lost my faith in love was hidden in blankets of snow.' 1

Again she stood up, why couldn’t she just write about that night or actually nights because she knew she had to tell everything.2

'And then February knocked on the door and the nights that I lost my faith in love were hidden in blankets of snow. Every year around February there is a 4 day long festival which is a true tradition amongst mankind. I knew that I would come face to face with Jack and that he would make my heart pound again. No matter how many times I would tell others that he didn’t mean squad to me, I knew that every time I would say it, it would be a lie. I did know that I grew stronger over the years. One word of his lips didn’t make me shiver like it used to. His smile didn’t kill me anymore when it wasn’t directed at me. I was stronger and felt capable of resisting him as a proof to the world but mostly as proof to myself. I made my mind up; I was not going to get tricked into our game again, I had to much to offer to just use for a fun night.3

I didn’t know if I would keep this attitude up but I was going to try like hell.4

We danced that night, laughed like old friends would do. Both dressed up like something completely strange like the tradition asks for, but not caring because life is just grant. Playing around with toys that where brought to the festival by stealing them, or collecting them all of one colour. Then he said it; ‘ I want you’. I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was messing around by asking him if he wanted my Teddy bear as trade for his white bunny ears. He could have said it jokingly but no he had to pull me close to his face, kiss me on the lips and say; ‘I want you’. At that moment I was so struck by amazement and anger. What made him think that he could say that without excepting the consequences? But he was pulled away by someone before I could give a response. The rest of the night I tried to forget it and just went on dancing and getting lost in the crowd and music.5

The next day I could only think about what he said; I never really knew him. He.. The unbelievable. The unreachable. The impalpable. The one who wasn’t mine, the one I could not hold down. The one I didn’t want to hold down. Night two appeared from the setting of the sun into a snowy landscape. And the music filled my head with wonders. I danced the night away and when the sun began to rise, I found myself with some friends at Jack's place. Staying there for the night, crammed into one huge bed with 5 people, I ended up next to, of course, Jack.6

We spend the whole time gazing into each others eyes, I saw depths I never excepted in icy blue waters. And we talked; we talked about the moon and the stars and everything around that. We talked about us and about the others we had known. He mentioned that he never liked the effect I had on him, I was absolutely shocked to hear that but he said; Like even though you where never mine, I still feel this singing feeling in my stomach as you drift into someone else his arms. I told him about Roman and how I knew that I wasn’t ending up with him from the moment we started. 7

I still can’t believe that night was real, we spoke the works that where unspoken for so many years. We spoke of love and of lust. I spoke of insecurity, he responded with security. I told him of fear that he would walk away if I was to stay with him. He asked me to trust him and stay with him for longer than a night of fun. I fell asleep with my head on his chest. His pounding heart was the rhythm of my breathing. He kissed me to sleep and I dreamt dreamless dreams.'8

She closed her eyes and could feel her body longing for him again, she could recall the sensation his words caused to her heart. She could also recall the pain and anger towards herself when she woke up..9

'I woke up with our hands clinched together, our heartbeats where beating simultaneously and when he opened his eyes I floated on the waves in his eyes of ocean blue. But as soon as he spoke the ocean blue changed into blue ice. 10

I was to go, It was wrong from him to let me stay in the first place and for the rest of breakfast he ignored me like I was a piece of furniture. 11

I lost my faith in love that morning. All hope that was given to me in that night by jack and all hope that was given to me by the world in all those years before, had disappeared when morning broke. With the rising of the sun I realised that it was all an illusion. 12

As all stories have a beginning, all stories have an ending. Nobody knows if an ending is the ending that will end all things and this seemed a never ending story of attraction and rejection. Like a Wheel in time it just went on and on with every goodbye that was answered by an hello. Now all reasoning is gone and faith has been lost for days..'13

She put down her pen and whipped away the tear that was running down her face.14

The first and final tear she would ever spill on behave of Jack, The one who killed it all…. 15