The Mystery Of The Photo and key

There was this old fortuneteller that lived on an island in the middle of the ocean. People would come and go asking for her to tell them their future.  She grew old and tired and people slowly stopped visiting her island, until one day this little girl named Lala drove her dad’s boat over to the island to find out what this key and old mysterious photograph meant. She had found the photograph and key in her dad’s safe box, that he left open one day.  1

Lala snuck out of the house late on a cloudy night.  She couldn’t find her way to the island and the waves of the ocean were crashing over the boat, she got scared, but if you were nine, you would be scared too.  She was screaming in fear.  One crash, two crash, lightning, thunder, scream.  She finally made it to the island and got out of the boat. She slowly looked around seeing nothing of the fortuneteller’s existence.  Lala laid softly on the white powdery soggy sand wishing she never left the house, for she did not know if she was even at the correct island.  She lay there shaking with fear, slowly she stopped shaking and she fell asleep.  She awoke the next morning and the boat was gone, it had drifted away. It looked like the rope she had tied it with had snapped. Later the boat mysteriously sank. She realized there was nothing to do but search for the fortuneteller’s house, so she did.2

Mean while back at her house her parents were scared out of their minds looking for her. Calling neighbors, police, everyone. 3

“ Look Hun the boats gone.” Her mother said as she pointed to where the boat used to be. 4

“Ok I’ll call the water police.” Her father said.5

The tide was coming in and the boat floated away and sank.  So the water police had nothing to look for. The water police told Lala’s parents that he did not find the boat anywhere. 6

In the mean time Lala found the fortunetellers house and had gone inside, they were now sitting down drinking tea. 7

“What are you here for little Lala?” Said the fortuneteller.8

“I found these in my daddy’s safe box, may I ask what it means? Is my daddy with another lady Miss fortune teller?” Lala asked as she put the mysterious photograph and key on the brown table.  She stuck it in the middle of the glare that came through the large window in the dinning room. 9

The fortune teller looked at this photograph of a man that looked like Lala’s father, he was dressed in a brown shirt and black jeans, he was holding flowers out to a woman dressed in the prettiest dress the fortune teller had ever seen, the woman was also beautiful. The fortuneteller look up at Lala and said “well Hun it looks like this may be your grandfather or great grandfather. You see how the picture is slightly discolored, and warn?”10

“Yes, Why?”11

“It means it’s been around a while.”12

“Oh”13

Lala and the fortuneteller talked for the night, the fortuneteller allowed Lala to stay at her home until morning when she would bring her back. 14

“Do you know what fate is Lala?”15

“No.”16

“It is something that is destined to happen.”17

“So it was fate that I found that photo?”18

“Yes.”19

“But what about the key you never explained that?”20

“The key was probably your grandfathers or great grandfathers as well.”21

“But why is the photo and key together?”22

They both looked closely at the photo and saw that the fortuneteller’s house was in the background and there was a little girl in a swing on a big old tree that no longer exists far in the background, they also saw that the woman in the photo was also handing something to the man, it looked like an envelope, but it had a funny shaped thing in it.23

Author notes

Third time ever making a story i think it would be better if i was to extend it but i cant because its for my class and the teacher only wanted 2 pages and i made it two and a half. But anyway i hope you enjoy.
Cloudy

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Comments

  • Night Hope
    October 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    It does read a lot smoother now...well done, Cloudy... Wanda

  • Night Hope
    October 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    dads boat should be "dad(')s"...dads safe box should be "dad(')s"..."he left it open one day" makes the sentence less smooth than it could be...perhaps say "THAT he left open one day"??? "the boat, she got scared, but if you were nine you would be scared too." Perhaps this, instead: "the boat; she got scared, but if you were nine, you would be scared too." "lightening" should be "lightning"..."She slowly looked around seeing nothing." makes it sound like she's blind; perhaps "unable to see well" or "seeing nothing that revealed anything out of order"; something like that..."She lie there shaking, slowly her shaking stopped and she fell asleep. She awoke the next morning to gunshots. There was a boating drive by these teenage kids road by in a boat and shot at her." Perhaps: "she laid there shaking; after awhile, the shaking ended and she was able to sleep. She woke to the sound of gunshots. Three teenagers rode by in a boat, firing at her."..."left it on the beach, she started to..." should be "left it on the beach; she started to..." OR (.) SHE started to..."While back at her parents" would read smoother by starting it with "MEANWHILE"...Sorry to be so picky with my critique; you're welcome to delete it...A story just reads with a better flow if there are no errors or inconsistencies...If you work on this & polish it, it has the potential to be a very good story...I especially liked your ending, with the fortuneteller's house in the background of the photo; that makes for an interesting & original twist...all in all, a good effort on your part...these are very minor errors, easily fixed...I think the story deserves a little polishing so it can shine...well done...
    Edited on Oct 02, 11:06 because ''.