She swooped down from above, all arms and legs. This person had to have been crouching in the dense branches above, because none of us even had a clue she was there.1
I had been trying to think of a way out of this. You'd think my ability to change foliage and such would be helpful. Apparently it didn't work when I was panicked.2
One minute, Scar Chin was standing upright and then he was laying on the ground, eyes closed. The attacker or rescuer was nowhere to be found.3
Carmen just stood looking down at him, with her mouth slightly open. Broken Nose rushed past us. Before he reached Scar Chin, he was hit from behind. I watched as dust billowed up around him.4
When it cleared, Broken Nose was laying face down, not moving, close to Scar Chin.5
Carmen was stalking towards us. We weren't tied up, so defending ourselves should not be a problem.6
The knife flashed in the sparse light. Now we might have a problem.7
I started to grab for it. Kyle bowled me aside. The wind was knocked out of me. When I caught my breath Kyle was holding Carmen close, like they were dancing.8
Not only was my backside bruised from landing on it, my pride was hurt. I could have taken Carmen. Kyle didn't need to push me.9
Kyle slowly backed away from her, holding his side, his face pale. Kyle stumbled and landed next to me.10
Carmen stood shell-shocked. A dripping blade was clutched in her hand.11
"Kyle," I said slowly, reaching for him.12
Blood seeped through his fingers. I was no longer just angry, I was now scared.13
Branches slithered from the bottom of the surrounding shrubs. They quickly wound up Carmen's legs, immobilizing her. She dropped the knife trying to remove the limbs. It didn't take long before the branches encircled her whole body.14
I had combined my hand to Kyle's, hoping the added pressure would help stem the blood flow.15
Our semi-rescuer dropped from the trees as I trussed up Scar Chin and Broken Nose with other vegetation.16
"Nice 'ork," she called while checking how tight the binds were. "How'd ya do' at?"17
Kyle's wound was bleeding less and I ripped a swatch of cloth from my shift to bandage him.18
"You dummy," I snapped at Kyle as he moved to help me. 19
"It's just something I can do," I replied to the lanky girl, preoccupied.20
"I'd sure 'ike to 'earn how to do 'at." She squatted down and took the makeshift bandage from my shaking hands.21
I looked from Kyle's knife wound to the girl and really saw her for the first time. Her skin was dark, like someone had walked out into the dry land, scooped up a handful of the sand, blended it with the sunset and then painted her body with it. It was creamy brown with a shadow of gold. Her eyes were crinkled with concentration, but the pupils were gold with flakes of green. A small nose and thin lips showed me that she wasn't any older then we were.22
Her clothes were ragged, but clean. Her pants, for she wore pants instead of a dress like the girls at the Academy, were too short for her tall frame and the shirt had been patched so many times you couldn't tell what the original color was.23
I touched her thin arm and asked, "What is your name?"24
She glanced up before making one last tug at the binding. "They call me Ayita, first 'o dance." She sat back before continuing. "Ya are Sabrina, Dragoncrea'or and Kyle, 'racker. I'm pleased 'o be of serve 'o ya both." She rose and bowed low, touching one hand to the dirt floor.25
"Oh, please don't do that." I blurted out.26
She stood back up with a puzzled look on her face. "And why no'?"27
"Because I do not deserve such a greeting." I paused, trying to phrase my next question carefully. "Why do you call me Dragoncreator?"28
She squatted down again and tugged at her ear. "Because tha' is who ya are. Are ya no'?"
In a list
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
I love Ayita! Her accent is amusing to read, but I have no trouble knowing what she means. Or maybe she's missing a few teeth, not sure.
Anyway, the description of her skin was awesome. It had a sort of poetry to it, and I think it fit with her mystery for now.
It's true, I didn't know exactly what was going on here at first, but I figured it out, and enjoyed the rescue immensely. I think your pacing was excellent when you described how fast Ayita took down everyone, how one moment the captors are standing, and the next they're sprawled on the ground. Actual fights are jumbly, and if you're not the one doing the jumbling, it's hard to track, so great work!
-
-
It's more that Ayita is uneduated and just misses vowel souns and such. I'm not sure
Just thought is was fun 
Plain brown, just didn't do it for me and I love the color of sand
Thank you so much for reading. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm a basketcase these day
Again thanks
Brooke
-
-
Interesting chapter Brooke.
I like how Sabrina had the branches wrap around Carmen and the two guys to bind them. She's learning how to use the vegetation around her to her advantage. She seems to be acquiring more abilities as she goes.
Ayita is an interesting new character. Her clothing and dialect make her appear to be a gypsy of some sort. You've never mentioned anyone outside the academy before. I wonder who 'they' are that she refers to. The way she took those guys down so quickly, she seems to have some sort of ability of her own.
She already knows who Sabrina and Kyle are and Quinn as well.
I wonder if she knows where Quinn is. Hmm.
Small stuff:
p10. Kyle slowly backed away from her, holding his side. His face pale. - I think I would add 'His face pale.' on to the prior sentence with a comma, since it is not a full sentence by itself.
Kyle slowly backed away from her holding his side, his face pale.
p19. "You dummy," I snapped at Kyle as he moved to help me. "It's just something I can do," I replied to the lanky girl, preoccupied. - These two lines should be separated since in one she is talking to Kyle, and the other she is talking to Ayita. At first I wondered is she was calling Ayita a dummy.
p30. Her skin was dark, like someone had walked out into the dry land, scooped up a handful of the sand, blended it with the sunset and then painted her body with it. It was creamy brown with a shadow of gold. - I like your in-depth description of creamy brown. *laughs*
Very cool chapter. I'm curious to find out more about Ayita and see if they still investigate the cave.
Greg
-
-
Now, that's not true. I've mentioned the miners I guess I just figured people would know that there would be a village or two around the Academy. I mean peoples got to work there, right? I'll have to work that into the other chapters here or there. Thanks for pointing it out. I sometimes forget you guys aren't in my head with me *scary thought*
You've given my a great idea with Ayita (thought you might like the name. It's Cherokee, meaning 1st to dance). I just might have to make her a gypsy 
I didn't want the description to be the boring 'her skin was brown'
So I rambled a bit
Thanks for reading and those errors are fixed.
Brooke -
-
Hmm. Forgot about the miners.
Cool! I thought Ayita sounded Native American.
I think I thought of her as a gypsy because I'm adding gypsy elves in my next chapter. *laughs*
Greg
-
-
-
Hey Brooke,
Nice save. Glad you didn't kill Kyle off. He seems like a good kid to me. You seem to have Ayita slipping into and out of dialect here. Might want to check that out. The only other thing I saw was Para22-line3 'patched so many times you couldn't tell what was the original color was'. I think you need to strike the first 'was'. That's itLooking forward to the next installment
Steve
-
-
You were right. Problem is, is isn't a language really. I just left out letters here and there. Guess I should keep track of that.
How fixed those that'da needed fixin' and I thank ya for your time and energy
Thanks
Brooke
-
-
Yeah! another chapter. I'm always bummed when the reading list goes up and there is no Creative Mishief chapter. Not that I don't love your other work.. I just love this story. Wonderful as always. Your description of Ayita was magical.
Only caught a few things.
P(3) minute
P(10) NO KYLE.. whooo I had to take a breath, for a moment I thought you were going to kill off Kyle.
P(18) you say wound in the same sentence twice. Not sure if you want to change that or leave it *shrugs*
Once again I can't wait for more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
I am so glad and humbled that you like this story. I really have been trying to work on it I've got another one coming up, but I'm going to post this one on the groups reading list this week.
Have fixed those errors. And I couldn't kill off Kyle. I'm kinda liking him
Thanks.
Brooke
-
-
Brooke, this is developing into the kind of story I like to read from a book. the only drawback is that on SW you can't post it all at once. Very interesting so far.
-
-
I'm such a slow writer too, sorry about that. But I am glad you are enjoying it
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
