The creature moved fast, but Destiny moved faster.1
She lunged forward, shoving the two boys down while simultaneously placing herself between them and the reptilian creature. Charging forward, staff in hand, she quickly pinned the beast against a nearby boulder. The staff was the only thing standing between them.2
Then the creature, twice her size, swept out its claw, flinging her backwards. Destiny landed hard. A sharp pain rushed throughout her body as the air was pushed from her lungs.3
Destiny knew only thing keeping her alive was her grip on the staff. The staff emanated a blue light and Destiny could feel the energy surge through it. However, it seemed to only have a minimal effect on the beast, barely keeping it at bay.4
She could feel her strength giving way as she felt the creature’s putrid breath on her face and the slime from its body drip onto her.5
Destiny heard the echoed noises of her friends coming to help. She watched as they seemed to move in slow motion.6
‘They will not be able to help.’ She thought to herself. ‘I’m going to die.’ 7
Then a resolve came over her and she decided, ‘No that can’t be, she couldn’t allow it. She wouldn’t let the others down. She wouldn't let the creature beat her. She wouldn't die!’8
With a thrust of her feet, she unbalanced her opponent. Swinging her staff with a determination she had never felt before, Destiny reagained her balance and crashed into the beast.9
Upon impact the staff exploded in a bright light causing her to go blind for a brief moment. When she once again regained her sight, the creature had disappeared.10
Destiny slid down the length of her staff as the energy drained from her, sitting on her knees in the mixure of blod and much as the energy drained from her. With her head resting on the staff, she fought the urge to cry.11
That is where her companions found her, bruised and bleeding, not moving from her position or even acknowledging they were there.12
Her friends stood there unsure of what to do.13
They watched as their leader, and in that instant there was no question she was their leader, knelt, eyes closed breathing heavily.14
It was T.J. that brought Destiny out of her trance as he reached out to touch her. Her bloodied hand grabbed his in reassurance.15
Finding her strength she stood and faced them. And, as if nothing had happened she began ordering them to pack up for the day. Her only admonition was that they be more careful.16
She did, however, want to speak with Tom about T.J. and discreetly cornered him.17
“Since the two of you have become so friendly, I’d advise you to keep a special lookout for his safety.” She warned. “He is my only family, and the one thing in this world that is good and right.”18
“So why not leave him at home where he would be safer?” Tom accused.19
“I was told T.J. must come, that he would play an important part in our struggle. We are each other's family. It is a strong bond.”20
Then she poked him in the chest, “So don’t go trying to separate us.”21
“That’s not my goal.” Tom replied softly. “T.J. has such an interest in music. He’s wanted me to teach him.”22
His sarcasm overcoming him again, he said, “Does that meet with your approval.”23
“Only,” she replied harshly, “If you don’t get too submerged in your music that you fail to see the evil that may be around.”24
Then she whispered fervently, “You wouldn’t want to be around me if you allow anything to happen to him.”25
Brushing past Tom, Destiny made her way toward her horse. She was ready to get on with the day.26
Natty stopped her before she had the chance to mount, insisting she’d be allowed to clean her up.27
In her anger Destiny had forgotten her injuries. Silently Destiny followed her and allowed Natty to bandage the wounds best that she could.28
Once the sun was high in the sky Destiny knew everyone would be hungry, but there was a persistent desire to keep moving, to keep pushing forward. Although there had been no other threats that day, she felt a shadow was chasing her. Destiny feared that if she stopped they would all be doomed. So she decided that they would eat on their horses instead of pausing for dinner. She grabbed cheese and flat bread from her bag while the others did the same. Sharing what she had with Travis, she saw that Natty was sharing with Tim, and T.J. was, of course, sharing his with Tom.29
As late afternoon approached, Destiny found it harder to keep her mind from wandering and her heavy eyelids from closing. She had been up for almost two days. She was already exhausted before the morning exertion. Her body had been pushed to its limit. The gentle swaying of the horse reminded Destiny of happier times, of times when her mother had held her rocking her to sleep. 30
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Sweet memories of her mom danced across her dreams, filling her with a feeling of love and contentment she hadn’t experienced in years.32
Due to the circumstances, her mom had been Destiny’s rock and her best friend.33
As the family scenes flowed forward in her dream, Destiny became more anxious knowing her happiness would come to an end. Then, her memory came to the day her whole life crashed down. The day her father truly died.34
It was the day Destiny’s mother abandoned her, abandoned her father and everything they believed in.35
She was twelve at the time. Destiny came home from school to find her mother sitting, sobbing, in her rocking chair. Destiny’s father was on his knees, holding her hands, trying to consol her.36
Destiny’s heart fell as her eyes glanced upon the suite case sitting beside the chair.37
Seeing Destiny, her mother jumped from the chair, grabbed the suitcase, and without a word or explanation to her daughter, she ran out of the home leaving a devastated husband and a bewildered daughter behind.38
It was later that day that Destiny’s father came to her room to try and explain.39
Her mother had said she couldn’t handle it anymore, the solitude, the ridicule, always being an outcast.40
What had pushed her over the edge was a visit to town; the children that day went from calling her names to throwing rocks and spitting at her.41
Although she hadn’t shown it, she hadn't been happy for a long time. She no longer believed in their cause and wanted to rid herself of everything in her past. She was leaving and wouldn’t tell him where she was headed.42
Tears flowed down Destiny’s face, she was scared not for herself, but for her mother.43
Destiny’s father gathered her up in his arms and reassured her, “You know what, I think she is just tired, she’ll be back. And about her not believing, I don’t accept that. Why else would she leave you here, but to keep you safe?”44
Her mother never returned. Destiny’s father worked twice as hard trying to save those he could. Destiny believed that with every person her father saved, he prayed that someone would change her mother's mind. With every person lost, he lost his wife over again.45
Destiny’s head bobbed then jerked up violently as her horse stumbled a bit waking her.46
Panicked and trying to get her bearings, Destiny instinctively grabbed for the staff.47
Horrified, she pulled her horse to such a sudden stop that it reared up. This forced Natty, who was behind her, to also pull up short, causing her to almost get dumped from the horse. 48
The disruption startled everyone and they halted and turned to the commotion.49
“It’s missing,” Destiny shouted in panic. “The staff is missing.”50
In a list
Any help would be great. There are parts of the story that I don't think flows well. It's another fight scene. Does it flow right.. and of ocurse the grammer *wall*
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hey artaq,
Everybody must have been asleep for no one to notice she lost her staff. What a revoltin' development! Your fight scene wasn't bad. You could always add a few more 'whacks' here and there. Destiny should cut Tom a little slack. He seems like a nice guy to me
I see that editing suggestions have been given in plenty and I have nothing to add. Looking forward to your next installment
Steve
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Hey, thanks for reading.. Yep I'm workin gon those fight scenes, I can see them in my head it's just getting them on paper and making sense that is the problem.
'what a revoltin' development' Loved that... My Uncle always says that... I thought he was the only one. 
thanks again.
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Nice action intro. Me likey.
Oooh! Ass kicking chick. Muy bonus points.
"Desinty landed hard causing a sharp pain to rush throughout her as the air was pushed from her lungs." <-- Kinda drawn out. Try splitting it up a bit. Maybe: "Destiny landed hard. A sharp pain rushed throughout her body as the air was pushed from her lungs." That'll help speed things up to the action pace instead of slowing an already quick pace down.
Hmm... rocky transition. Try bringing the character into it and making it something she realized rather than simply stating a fact. Something like, "Destiny knew the only thing keeping her alive..."
The second half of paragraph 8 is confusing. I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say... Perhaps the punctuation is just forgotten?
Paragraph 11 is a run-on sentence. Try to split it up into two or even three separate sentences. Or, you could combine the individual thoughts in a different way. "Destiny slid down the length of her staff, sitting on her knees in the mixture of blood and much as the energy draned from her. With her head resting on the staff, she fought the urge to cry."
Wow... for some reason I had a modern city setting in my head until I read the word "horse". I don't know how that happened...
How did she lose the staff?!?! Wow... that just... wow. I'm gonna have to go backwards and read everything that leads up to this.
Good job
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Cool chapter Lori,
Nice action in the beginning. It seems Destiny's staff has more power than just healing the land. She didn't need Tak's help this time. It's good to see she and Tom have come to an understanding.
I like the flashback dream to show some backstory on Destiny's family. I was wondering about that.
So what happened to the staff?? Did she drop it while she was nodding off dreaming and no one noticed? Now they have to go look for it. That's not good. Hmm.
Geri's already covered the suggestions and she's better at finding them that I am so I have nothing to add there. *laughs*
Interesting chapter with a surprise twist at the end. *nods*
I wonder what might happen while they search for the staff.
Nicely done.
Greg
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Thank's for reading. I'm glad you liked it and that the backstory wasn't out of place I was a little worried about that.. I will be reworking this and fix the things Geri suggested.
Don't worry Tak will be back.. You just never know when.
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Good morning Lori, I certainly enjoy your active writing style
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Sorry, I’m not trying to re-write your work. The plot is moving along; the action and characters are visible
. But suddenly you seem to be in a hurry and are rushing the description of the what’s taking place 
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There is a lot of tension in the fight scene but you could sloooow down just a bit, add a few words so the reader has a better idea of what’s occurring. I tried to point out with questions and I did a few quick add-ons to show you what I mean. Of course when you do the next draft, you’ll make it much better .
If I’m out of line, ignore me
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She lunged forward, shoving the two boys down while simultaneously placing herself between them and the reptilian creature. Charging forward, staff in hand, she quickly pinned the beast.2
The creature, twice her size, overpowered Destiny, flinging her backwards. Destiny landed hard causing a sharp pain to rush throughout her as the air was pushed from her lungs.3 (JMHO but you could use something more here. She lunged forward, shoving the two boys down while simultaneously placing herself between them and the reptilian creature. Charging forward, staff in hand, she quickly pinned the beast.2 (pinned it how? or with what? pinned the beast with the staff?)
(Then the creature,) The creature, twice her size, (did something? and managed to overpower Destiny) overpowered Destiny, flinging her backwards. Destiny landed hard causing a sharp pain to rush throughout her as the air was pushed from her lungs.3
The only thing keeping her alive was her grip on the staff. The staff emanated a blue light and Destiny could feel the energy surge through it. However, it seemed to have little effect on the beast.4 (had limited effect on the beast. It must have done something or she’d be finished.)
With a shove (thrust) of her feet, she unbalanced the (her) opponent. Swinging her staff with a determination she had never felt before, (Destiny regained her stance and crashed into the beast) Destiny crashed into the beast.9
She did, however, find the time to discreetly corner Tom.17(concerning ? T.J.?)
“I was told T.J. must come, that he would play an important part in our struggle. We are each others (other’s) family. It is a strong bond.”20
Brushing past Tom (,) Destiny made her way toward her horse. She was ready to get on with the day.26
In her anger Destiny had forgotten her injuries. Silently Destiny followed her and allowed Natty to bandage the wounds (the) best she could.28 (with their limited resources.)
So she decided that they would eat on their horses instead of stopping (pausing for dinner).
Sharing what she had with Travis (,) she saw that Natty was sharing with Tim (,) and T.J. was, of course, sharing his with Tom.29
She had been up for almost two day (days) (.) and (She) was already exhausted before the morning exertion.
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Although she hadn’t shown it, she wasn’t (hadn’t been) happy for a long time.
“It’s missing,” Destiny shouted in panic. “The staff is missing.”50 (Nice scary ending.)
Geri
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Thanks for reading... I'm not great at fight scenes and I knew this one had some problems.. but I wasn't sure what to do. So I posted. I hoped someone would be able to help. I do apreciate the examples.. It hard to get through my thick skull
I will be reworking this and reposting. I appreciate all your help.
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