Fireproof Witch, Chapter 1

Long ago, when the land was blanketed in forests of enchantment, when elves made shoes and bears lived in houses and it was okay to ditch unwanted children in monster-infested woods, there was a witch. Well, there were a lot of witches, silly witches, who ran around talking to mirrors, building ridiculous houses out of structurally-unsound, edible materials, and flying about on cleaning implements that they weren't even licensed to operate. These witches were invariably burned. 1

One witch, however, was smarter than the others. Not a genius, by far (MENSA would have laughed at her application...and then been magicked into autistic salamanders), but smart enough to stay alive. She even maintained a strict, no-children diet, though it was more in the interest of weight loss than ethics. It kept her quite trim, and her figure was the object of many a lumberjack's desires. Her name was Arugula, and the diet would later evolve into the Atkin's Diet.2

One morning, Arugula was blindsided by a brilliant idea that probably should have occurred to every other witch as soon as they discovered they were susceptible to fiery, burning deaths of pain and agony. She would cast a fireproofing spell on herself. It was sheer simplicity. As a matter of fact, it was the very first spell that appeared in the standard issue "Witchcraft for Dummies" book, though it appeared in the Introduction, which the witches always skimmed through.3

Wise Arugula flipped to the correct page and studied the incantation.4

"Flame, flame, fire and flame,5

Burning alive is totally lame,6

Ashes to ashes, I don't wanna die,7

Spirit of magic, don't let me fry,8

Fire, fire, go away,9

Come again some other day."10

She spent a moment reveling in the ancient profundity of witches past. The spell was liquid poetry in writing. Oh, what she would give to obtain that eloquence, that spellcraftmanship! She recited it slowly, savoring each word, as the tears formed in her eyes. Fortunately, she was not a melting witch, of the Oz variety, so the tears were harmless.11

As soon as the spell was complete, Arugula grabbed up a match and lit her pointy hat on fire. She wanted a new hat, anyway. She calmly watched herself in the (silent) mirror as the flame spread down to the brim, cinders sparking outward with little crackles. Then her hair caught fire and she screamed. As noted, she was not terribly smart, and so she did not foresee this potential outcome. She ran around screaming and flailing and trying to shake the fire out of her hair like a twisted Herbal Essence commercial (she's got the URGE). 12

Arugula ran outside and attempted to wipe the fire onto the grass, which only half worked. The grass caught fire, but her hair remained alight. Most of the neighborhood had gathered to gawk, roused by her hysteric screams. One of her adoring lumberjacks grasped the situation and pried his enchanted chainsaw from the enchanted elm he was hewing. He sprinted towards Arugula, waving the chainsaw wildly over his head and causing the rubberneckers to dive for cover.13

"HO'D STEEL MEES ARUGULA-LA! I CUT OFF FIRE!"14

Fortunately, Arugula still had the presence of mind to not "ho'd steel" as the panicky lumberjack swung his magic chainsaw at her head. She ducked and dodged and continued to burn, all the while still screaming. The lumberjack screamed right back. His chainsaw and boots caught fire, and they both screamed even more. 15

At this point in the tale, it is important to mention that it was Circus Season in town. The Beetle-eye Brothers Bigtop had a monopoly on the circus business and they were making a healthy profit of magipesos, the current currency. So it was with great surprise and great fury that they watched their paying customers pour out of their tent, on the afternoon of Arugula's fire drill.16

Bungy Beetle-eye narrowed his beetle eyes, which was the same as closing them. He and his brothers did not take well to competition, nor were they known for fair business practices. Many in the forest could recall the time Goldilocks and her three trained bears tried to gain a share of the market. Few were able to eat porridge ever again. Yes, the Beetle-eyes played for keeps.17

Thus they followed the crowd out onto the road and through the town; Bungy, Bottleneck, Blubbers, and their deformed half-brother, Foofoo: a formidable foursome, if ever there was one. They soon came to the edge of the crowd, an audience sizable enough to make their mouths water. Jealousy clenched their stomachs and twisted their nipples. How dare someone show them up on such an outrageous scale!18

The enraged Beetle-eye brothers shoved their way through the morass of spectators, swinging Foofoo at those who were reluctant to move. Slobber flew from Foofoo's mouth; his teeth glistened as he bared them rabidly. The brothers quickly arrived at the center of attention. What they saw astounded them. As the hotfoot lumberjack juggled his flaming chainsaw, Arugula the witch performed a madcap interpretive dance, while her own head was consumed by flames. It was a spectacle so entertaining that the Beetle-eyes had nothing to top it. Which meant they must stop it.19

Blubbers sucked up a huge breath of air and whistled loudly for their jumping elephant. The ground shook and people stumbled as he bounded over the horizon, as fast as his enormous gray legs could propel him. Within moments, he was by Blubbers' side, panting happily.20

"FIRE!" Blubbers bellowed, pointing a chubby finger.21

The elephant trumpeted a gush of water at Arugula and the lumberjack, extinguishing them both, and knocking them to the ground.22

"FETCH!" squeaked Bottleneck, also pointing.23

The elephant wrapped the sopping, unconscious forms in his mighty trunk and heaved them in the air.24

"FORNICATE!" raved Foofoo, slapping himself.25

The elephant ignored Foofoo, as it had long ago learned to do.

Author notes

I don't usually do chapters, but this one is just getting long.

In a list

A contest entry

How much wood would a woodwitch witch if a woodwitch could witch wood?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 34 of 34

  • Violette silver member
    November 23
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    Phenomenal opening sentence, catchy with a subtle element of humor. Your style of writing is impressive. Imagery and body language were well done, the dialogue amusing and perhaps even cliche.
    Oh and the poem made me laugh out loud despite it being harvested from previous ones.


  • Bloody-Ink gold member
    November 23
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    Amusing

    I greately enjoyed this! I thought your imagery was very well thought out and I enjoyed how amusing it was. It was the subheader that caught my eye, believe it or not. "She was smarter than most other witches. Barely." haha. I thought this might be a good read, and so I checked it out and look what I found!

    The fireproofing spell was especially hilarious. I can tell you are a very creative individual and I'm glad you decided to write this. I liked how you referred to things your readers would understand.
    There's nothing that irks me more than when an author refers to something only the author would know about, and therefore leaves their readers in the dust. The readers are then thinking what was that all about? and are forced to do a search on Google, Bing, or something to that effect.
    I can tell you are a very good writer, just by reading this, and I'm sure you could be published someday.

    For humor, or otherwise. I really liked it and I didn't really find any errors. I especially liked the part where you said "like a twisted Herbal Essense commercial. (yes, she's got the URGE)" that made me laugh. Also, I enjoyed all the names of the circus. There were all B's and then... FooFoo! haha. That reminded me of little bunny foofoo. Anyway, I also enjoyed the lumberjack speak. You should've included more dialogue from the lumberjack, because messy dialogue is just right for this kind of a piece.

    Again, you are very talented and I loved it.


  • seamus gold member
    November 18
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    excellent

    Great entertainment! Wonderfully imaginative. Have I left out any superlatives? Consider them bestowed. Thanks for a very entertaining read.

  • daw31335
    November 4
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    Very intreaging, but what happens next? What about chapter 3


  • PippyFruit
    November 1

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    Okay, I'm writing as I read this
    Firstly, I like the opening paragraph. It's very witty and gets my attention as it seems to be making fun of traditional fairytales. I also like the fireproofing spell and the reference to Herbal Essences (my shampoo of choice) .
    Just spotted an error 'nor were they were known', talking about the Beetle-eye brothers.
    Haha, I like the 'fetch, fire, fornicate!' bit.
    Your writing has a nice rhythm and pace, which made the story flow really well and,
    verall, I found it an easy and entertaining read Yey!

    • Brent
      November 1
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      You caught me in a grammatical error. It is a rare occurrence indeed. I am verily shamed.

      Thanks, though. Chapter 3 is on the way!


  • peppermintz
    October 25

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    Hahaha. That was hilarious! I love how you included in the witches from like Hansel and Gretel and Snow White, and etc. (Or at least I think the witches with the mirrors thingy was from Snow White [^^;])I love the whole overall idea; it was really creative. This is just so epic and original!

  • Rala
    October 23

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    Soo funny.. This made me laugh out loud(my parents are still looking at me funny).Good luck in the contest!


  • whyspr
    October 18

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    Oh my heavens! This is too hilarious!! You are doing an absolutley wonderful job of writing this. Not very much makes me laugh out loud and this one had me giggling like crazy. I really enjoyed reading this story and Im going looking for the rest of it, so I hope you've written it, LOL! Too cute. hehe.


  • Melancholic Smile
    October 16

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    I really enjoyed this! I loved the mix of fantasy and humour you used and did find myself laughing out loud a couple of times - especially at the Mensa reference and that of the Atkins diet There were a couple of occasions where I felt the sentences were slightly too long, but nothing that affected the overall flow of the story. It was a really fun read, thanks for taking the time to enter my contest and good luck to you


  • Tiger-Lily gold member
    October 10

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    Wow...how the hell did I miss this?! It's brilliant and a humorous piece of art. I love the wording because it takes a lot to make me laugh at words. The fairy tale references and the compliments to the ingenious poetry just add that extra level of hilarity to this! Thank you for this wonderful laugh.

    - HT

  • Diaboro
    October 7

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    Been a really long while since I've read some comedy. I liked how your universe is kind of "Shreky" and it was pretty funny. Good read.


  • wolfcub
    October 4

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    I LOVE the opening!
    HA! It was hilarious!
    Fornicate!
    Oh, dear. I must say, I rather liked it. The humour was genius, although I'm not sure it was a work of art otherwise.
    But thankyou for making me smile. And for entering my contest! Good luck

  • Lianaera
    October 3

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    I laughed all the way through. You write humour well. Ah laughable lovable irony.


  • the class
    October 1

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    Very entertaining Good humour in the beginning, and i enjoyed reading. Well done, and thanks for entering


  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    September 30
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    This was good and very well interesting. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!!~


  • Vanilla King
    September 29
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    lol, that was so overthetop and amusing xD cool story


  • HopefulSoul
    September 28

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    Amazing idea, you are full of creativity! I loved how you started it off, 'Once opon a time'. This is the real fantasy I wanted to read! Keep it up!

    Thankyou and Good luck

    kokofuto

  • rustic
    September 28
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    Is this a woodwitch burning witch?

    I thought this was a vert funny story and think it would be a wonderful begining to a story


  • Dead Beauty
    September 27

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    " A Range Of Options "

    Thank you for entering my contest and good luck

    I especially liked how you started the contrasting Arugula when you said she was supposedly smarter than others. That was the main hook to me, and it really drew me in to the rest of the story


  • HeartInHalf
    September 26
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    LOL. I love the first paragraph. Amusing (:


  • Keeana
    September 17
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    haha! I love this!


  • Paigie
    September 12

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    Haha
    Good luck in my contest
    Paigie


    • Dead Beauty
      September 27
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      Haha. Strange how we have the same 'face' of a blue eye with a teardrop coming out


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    September 11

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    as much as she sells sea shells by the seashore (haha my response is corny)

    LMAO.. classic Brent It's absolutely great to have you back you've not lost your touch and the best part? The story isn't even done, haha!!! Which means I'mma gonna get more

    I love love love this fireproof witch ^_^ it's a bit funny and ironic how something this simple could have saved their ancestors'/kind's lives (Salem and all ). The diet thing, the SPELL, hahaha!!! Laugh Out Loud quality, and I'm glad I'm not at the net station at work, reading this, since people at work might think me weirder

    Btw, her setting her hair on fire.. reminded me of my cousin, some years back

    Anyway, I'll be reading the next part Thanks so much for coming back and entertaining us again

    WELCOME BACK


  • black lace
    September 5

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    That was hilarious. And of course tottally oringinal


  • killerkb
    September 3
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    I enjoyed it- a very fun story.

  • Minorchar
    September 2
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    LOL.

    Lovely.


  • BleedsInk
    September 2

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    AMAZING

    really, this is hysterical. terry pratchet would be proud.

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


  • Loopy Lou 1998
    August 31
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    I'm so sorry, but i didn't really get it. I got that it was about a witch that got her hair set on fire, but i didn't really know what was going on. loise .


  • Lady Mannequin
    August 29

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    I loved it. You have a talent for writing, m'dear.
    Thanks for entering my contest!


  • Poopa Thug
    August 28

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    All the witch in the wood?

    I love the mentally challenged characters. Also the whole idea behind the witch setting her hair on fire is pretty hilarious. Trying to fireproof herself and then testing it by setting her hair on fire. That reminds me a little of Jeff and the plug socket. "I'll test the theory by sticking a paperclip in it!" Exactly the same, was that what inspired you?

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