(Note: when the story reaches a break, it is shown by a "~~~" after that, there is a change in character. I'm writing this to avoid further confusion.)1
There it is. I stare at the small office across the street. The sign reads, Attorneys at Law - John & Joseph Crowley, I don't bother reading the rest. My hands unfold the sheet, my eyes quickly glossing over it. Yeah, that's it. 2
The office looks out of place in the relatively quiet Boston Post Road; I'm not really sure why. Then again, they are new to town. I heard that the wine store had gone out of business, which is quite shocking in the small rich town of Larchmont. Apparently the rumor was true. The brothers renovated the exterior; the red bricks catch the sunlight better than those of neighboring buildings.3
After a few moments of indecision, curiosity overcomes caution and discretion. I stuff the sheet in my pocket, and jog across the street without looking, merely sensing that I won't get hit. A car honks at me as it comes dangerously close to impaling me. What's a little excitement now and then? I grin at those staring at me as I reach the other side, their faces framed in horror.4
I glance at the still wet painting on the windows. The painters did a lousy job; even I could've done better. I push the door open, and step inside.5
I close my eyes quickly, hoping they would accustom to the lack of light. As my eyes adjust, I'm greeted by a lovely voice of a young woman who sits behind the counter. Her angelic face is the first thing people see upon entering. The brothers show taste in hiring an attractive woman.
There's something about her...no, you have more pressing things to think about.6
"...Yeah, that's what I told that idiot...I know. It's freaking me out. He takes the same classes as me, he follows me around. And his stare, uggh," she exclaims, shivering, speaking into the phone. Apparently she didn't notice my entrance. "It creeps me out...I dunno. What can I do? Shoot him? Naw, that won't work," she says smirking, looking upwards. Our eyes meet.7
A few seconds pass as we stare at each other, surprise framing her face mixed in with something else. I smile at her. It's the first time someone has looked at me this way... 8
It takes her a moment to recover. "Rachel, you know what? I'll have to call you later...yeah, bye."9
I walk towards the counter, looking around. This place feels like a doctor’s office – a small one. There's a group of chairs to the left near a table with magazines, a water cooler. The walls are newly painted sky blue, a faint smell of it still lingering. Overall, this place looks business-like. I guess this isn't a hoax...10
"Hello sir," she says, smiling. Her high cheek bones, full lips, mesmerizing blue eyes, chestnut colored hair, captivate me. I look at her curiously. She carries herself well, a woman with taste in fashion and probably a rich dad. Why would a rich girl work here? As I gaze into her eyes, I feel that there is much more to her than that. 11
Maybe she'd let someone like me...uggh stop! Pay attention Maddox! What's wrong with me today?... I rub my head pondering.12
After a moment of silence, I finally break the spell and say, "Hello, my name is Maddox Anziani and I'm here to see a Mr. John Crowley." I'm relieved at how my steady my voice sounds. 13
"Well Mr. Anziani, I'm sorry but we don't open until tomorrow. Would you like to make an appointment?"14
"A…mutual friend told me to come see him today, not tomorrow..."15
"He never said anything about seeing anyone today..." she says thoughtfully, "Well, luckily he stepped in a few minutes ago so let me give him a call. Just a sec," she says, taking the phone.16
"Hello? Mr. Crowley? There's a Mr. Anziani here to see you. I told him that we open tomorrow but he says that a mutual friend sent him."17
"Oh, alright. I'll let him know," she says hanging up. "He will see you in a few minutes."18
"Okay, thanks," I reply, smiling at her. 19
She smiles in return, making my heart beat faster. I walk to one of the chairs and sit down, my thoughts turning to reason I'm here. I pull out the sheet of paper and unfold it, rereading it for the millionth time:20
Name: Maddox Anziani
DOB: April 13, 1988
Height: 6 feet
Weight: 225 pounds
Build: Athletic, slightly over weight
SSN: xxx-xx-1475 (we know what it is)21
I continue to read downwards as my life is summarized in one short page. I reach two-thirds of the way and stop: 22
Maddox, as you can see, we know everything about you. Some information pertaining to you has come to our attention. We have gone to great lengths to maintain you identity a secret and clean any messes left behind. There is something about you that we want.23
If you cooperate, we will compensate you handsomely, paying off your debts while making sure you leave enough inheritance for your great grand children to live comfortably. However, if you do not cooperate, things will not go well for you. This is not a threat. There are other forces at play and we cannot ensure your safety if you do not agree to join us.24
You think this a hoax? Look into your bank accounts and your loan statuses and you will see we speak the truth. Enclosed here is the address of two brothers who work for us. You will meet John Crowley this Tuesday at 9 am sharp. Until then.25
Sincerely,26
Sahrah Irheen, Senior Executive of IYOC Blood Industries27
I'm not sure what to think. I had been to the bank and nearly fainted at the amount of money deposited in my account. What’s going on? What can I have that they want? Why me? Why now? I'm full of questions that I hope will be answered today.28
I continue to ponder this dilemma, allowing my mind to wander to the woman whose name I don't know. I should just go and talk to her. No idiot, like she'd talk to you. It's worth a try I suppose, it’s not like I'll be coming back here anyway. 29
I stand up uncertainly, taking a few tentative steps towards her. She's busy writing, not noticing my approach. What do I say? 30
Before I open my mouth, the phone rings and she picks up. Looking up and she says, "Well Mr. Anziani, he's ready to see you now. You see that door to the left? Well, just step right in. Oh by the way, I'm Liadan." 31
"Nice to meet you Liadan," I say smiling. That’s a beautiful name for a gorgeous woman. Still, why did she tell me her name? I’m not complaining.32
As I walk towards the door Liadan pointed, it opens and a thin man walks out. He is of average height and appears to be the very embodiment of orderliness and efficiency. He has an immaculately wrinkle-free, black suit. 33
"You must be Maddox. I'm John Crowley but you can call me John," he says stepping towards me. After shaking hands, he herds me into his office. I glance back, catching a glimpse of Liadan who happens to be looking in my direction. Hm...
"Please take a seat Maddox," he orders. 34
I glance at the room as I take seat. The room is fair-sized. John has good taste. His desk is of mahogany wood. Across the room are objects and books that are rare and expensive. I come to the conclusion that he likes to show off, like he is looking down on the client, exerting his power. I stare at him across the desk, not feeling intimidated.35
"I'm sorry for taking my time; I had to take an urgent call. So, how are you?" he asks with no enthusiasm.36
"I'm alright," I answer, restraining my impatience.37
"Good. I'm glad to hear that. This must be a unique circumstance," he prompts. What is he looking for? I just want to get this over with; I have things to do after this. And that girl...pay attention Maddox.38
"Thank you for your concern," I say, smiling at his reaction. 39
"My clients' well-being is always my concern."40
"John, cut to the chase. I don't have all day." 41
"Very well, do you know why you're here?' he asks in his placidly dry voice.42
"I have something your employers want," I reply softly. "I don't know what."43
"Yes, that's correct. Plainly said, you are a very unique man."44
"Unique?"45
"Yes. You have piqued the interest of my employers."46
"How?"47
"You donated blood."48
"What does donating blood have anything to do with this?"49
"Everything. Your blood has unique properties," he stops, allowing me to consider his words. 50
Unique properties? How is this the first time I hear of it?51
Having anticipated my question, he says, "For the most part, carriers display their rare blood upon birth. However those like you, show results after many years. Even then, those results are mild until...Oh, I’m getting ahead of myself." 52
Carriers? What? Now I'm a carrier? What the hell? This is some elaborate joke.53
"This isn't a joke Maddox. In fact, this is so important that your life depends on it. We call you carriers because of the properties in your blood."54
So now my life is in danger? What does my blood have that's so important? 55
"The world is more different than you can ever imagine. It is full of mysteries and unexplainable phenomena. You are in danger because you are one of those phenomena."56
Don't you know how crazy this sounds? This doesn't make sense.57
"I know how far-fetched this sounds. I could hardly believe it when they told me something like this. Your results though are frightening."58
You?59
"Yes. I'm not a carrier though. I’ve too much normal blood in me. I know that I haven't explained anything. In fact, I’ve made it worse. I'll try to alleviate as much as I’m allowed to.”60
Alright.61
“Recently, doctors discovered a new gene in the human genome. Strange huh? After so long, yet another gene found. This one is different though which must be why it was just discovered. Every human has a different concentrate of this gene. Your concentration is at ninety-nine percent. And that’s...frightening. My employers want to study you. They won't put you in a lab or anything. They want to see how this change will affect you physically and mentally. For that, your cooperation is required. Your life is going to undergo many changes. We want to be there to give you a helping hand."62
What's the catch?63
"You have to work for us."64
I already have a job.65
"In that case, why don't you take the week to think things through? You will be contacted by one of my colleagues."
I still need proof that all this is real.66
John chuckles, standing up. "You've already been given proof. Think about it when you have time." 67
I rise, getting the faint impression that his job was to give a little information, enough to confuse me. How can any of this be true? I look at the time noticing that I only have fifteen minutes to make it to the train station.68
"I have things I need to do and so do you," John says. "Think about what I've told you alright? The beginning is always the hardest and most confusing time."69
He ushers me out of the office. I pass Liadan, my heart beating faster upon seeing her. 70
I push the door open, taking her face in, memorizing it. She too stares at me. 71
Out of all this madness, I'm glad I met you Liadan. I guess I won't see you again, too bad. I feel the corner of my lips stretch and then the door closes. I begin to walk down the street returning my mind to the problem at hand. 72
The train.73
~~~74
“What was that?” I whisper, placing my palm over my chest in a vain attempt at muffling my rapidly beating heart. It’s an unexpected response that takes me by surprise; first, when Maddox steps into the attorney’s office and then again just before he disappears into Mr. Crowley’s office. I share no more than a few sentences with him, yet I feel some kind of connection between us. 75
I lean against my chair, my gaze landing on the set of doors that lead into Mr. Crowley’s office.76
There’s something about Maddox Anziani that...intrigues me but I’m not sure what. More importantly, why am I having such a reaction to him? 77
Maddox is handsome… that must be it. It doesn’t explain why I’m suddenly and powerfully attracted to him. I’ve never experienced this before. My brow furrows in thought.78
Maybe I’m just curious. Why did he have an appointment with Mr. Crowley today when the office officially opens tomorrow? Maddox doesn’t strike me as a business man, so what can they be talking about? 79
I want to explore this attraction and I’m not even sure why… but why bother when I will probably never see him again?80
The door to Mr. Crowley’s office swings open. Maddox strides out with my boss in tow. My eyes drink in his tanned skin, short haired, hazel eyes. When our gazes meet, he smiles. I feel an unmistakable, nervous fluttering within my stomach each second his gaze lingers on me. My lips turn up into a soft smile as he disappears the same way he had come. 81
The door closes with a soft click, snapping the connection. Remembering I have a job to do, I turn in Mr. Crowley’s direction only to find him waiting at the corner of my desk. His eyes study me with an air of superiority making me fiddle with the end of my blouse unconsciously.82
“Do you need something, Mr. Crowley?” I ask. 83
“Everything is going according to plan. In fact, things couldn’t get any better,” he says with a smirk on his lips, completely ignoring my question. What plan? 84
“So, Liadan, how do you like your new job?” he continues.85
“Oh, it’s great. I was surprised when Madd—I mean Mr. Anziani showed up though. I wasn’t expecting any clients until tomorrow” 86
“Yes, well rest assured, he will be the only client for today.” 87
My curiosity seems to double after he says that.88
“Alright.” I say. He still gazes at me though, making me feel like a bug under a microscope. “I-Is there anything I can help you with Mr. Crowley?” 89
“Actually there is, I have a favor to ask of you Liadan.”90
“A favor?” 91
“Well, not exactly a favor per se. It’s more of a job.” He says, raising one hand in the air to stop me from asking questions. “Before you say anything let me explain a few things. While I understand you will be skeptical about the job, I do hope you take the time to at least consider my offer. You will be paid three times your current salary if you accept.”92
I cross my arms, a defensive stance that I favor. “And what would I have to do exactly?” 93
“Just follow a client around for a week or so. You know, just observe and report back to me. We will provide you the means of travel, pay for expenses, etc.”94
“What?” I ask, mouth hanging open in surprise. “You want me to spy on someone? Who?” 95
“I wouldn’t call it spying. We want to keep tabs on this person, that’s all.”96
“Who?” I ask again.97
“Maddox Anziani.” Mr. Crowley says bluntly. 98
“But, why?”99
“That is none of your concern. The job is to follow him around, observe, and report back. Now, I’ve got things to do so I’ll leave you to think things over.” He turns on his heel, striding back towards his office. 100
This doesn’t make sense. Why does he want me to follow Maddox? He must be pretty important if Mr. Crowley would go through so much trouble… So, should I do it?101
“Mr. Crowley!” I call just as he begins to close his office door, “I’ll do it.”102
A satisfied smile lights his face, “Good girl. I’ll fill you in on the details later now get back to work.”103
“Yes sir.” I reply with a smile of my own. 104
My heart beat quickens in excitement as I think about my new job. 105
Well Maddox, it looks like I will be seeing you again after all. 106
~~~107
After hearing that, I head back into my office. I walk to the drawer, pulling out a large vial of my favorite brandy. I pour some into a glass, proceeding to drink it in one long gulp. I savor the rich, strong taste, feeling my senses heighten as the alcohol courses through my body.108
It's still morning but I think it's appropriate. That man is very interesting, A little rude but so was I long ago. His journey will be hard. And the girl, I feel sorry for her. 109
Her father is being investigated, and she is going to be the sacrifice needed to trigger the awakening of Maddox Anziani.
I didn't think it would go so well. Their attraction to each other was so obvious that I wonder if this will be okay.110
That Maddox, he's interesting...and dangerous. He himself is the proof he seeks. I don't think he noticed what he did. For someone not yet triggered to be able to project thoughts like that...he'll be a monster when he changes. So that's what it means to have Anziani blood...111
Being someone who can only receive projected thoughts, I couldn't help feeling intimidated by him. A sigh escapes me. That is one admission that's difficult to accept.112
My cell phone rings and I quickly take it, noting the time. This must be the boss.113
"Hello."114
"John," she says in acknowledgment. 115
I've only met her once. A cold-hearted and hard woman. Despite that, I was shocked at her beauty. They look so much alike...116
"How was it?" she asks impatiently.117
"Well enough. I told him all I needed to tell him. He will begin to doubt the lies he's been told. There's more..."118
"What?"119
"He can projects thoughts just as strongly or stronger than even...you."120
"Really?" she asks failing to mask her surprise.121
"I was surprised. He did it without noticing. I can't imagine what he'll be like when he changes."122
"Yes. I can't wait to see what he becomes. We need him."123
"About the girl..."124
"What about her?" Her voice returns to its usual coldness.125
"Well..."126
"Say no more. I will not hear of it from you. She will perform her task," the boss insists.127
"Of course she will." I comply not wanting to anger her.128
"How do you think it will go?"129
"You should have seen them. You could almost feel the attraction between the two."130
"Good. All the pieces are in place. Time is all we need. I will keep a watch on them."131
"One small matter..." I say. The whole reason I am doing this.132
"Ah yes I almost forgot. As promised, your brother has been released."133
"Thank you, thank you," I say relieved. We were both given assignments. He failed his and paid the price for it. We must find a way to recruit the person he was supposed to.134
"Tell him that if he fails us once more...I need not say more."135
"Say no more. He won't fail you again." Damn you brother, you owe me one. 136
"Do you think that he will come to us? We can't let them find him first...” she asks. I don’t know who “they” are. All we ever hear are rumors of rumors, not much to base anything on.137
"Well...no. However, I think I know how to convince him to come to us."138
"I'm listening," she says eagerly.139
"Well...”
Author notes
Alright, this is a story I began with another person. We had...personal differences and thus, I was left to find a new partner.
Amanda is a good writer and has a similar style to mine. With her, I have been able to develop more concrete ideas of where I want the story to go.
In this chapter, we introduce three characters, giving you three different points of view.
I hope it made sense.
So, what do you think so far? Is it interesting enough for you to read a second chapter?
If you liked this story, you are COMPELLED to point out grammar mistakes, etc. It is compulsory because we all want the story to be even better.
Thank you for reading. 
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Notes:
Paragraph 23: "maintain you identity" -- "your"
Paragraph 24: "great grand children" -- should be "great-grandchildren"
Paragraph 33: "As I walk towards the door Liadan pointed" -- pointed to or at
Paragraph 34 is missing a couple of commas. Actually, there are a few places where commas are inexplicably missing. Maybe someone hijacked them...
Paragraph 50: "properties," he stops -- "properties(... or —
" He stops
I'm slightly confused about the conversation Maddox has with John. Did Maddox even utter a word, or was it all his thoughts?
OK, now that we're done with the technical stuff, let's move on to what really matters. I actually like the different perspectives, but the fluidity of the story needs a little work. It gets choppy at times, from either too much dialogue, repetitively short sentences, or faulty SPaG (those stinking commas). The premise itself is incredibly interesting, though. You gave just enough information to fill us in on what's happening, but you left out the details, which leads to curiosity on our part and a desire to keep reading. The characters are cool, too; I liked Maddox right from the start, when he ran across the street like he did. John seems like a selfish little mother-effer, but I love how drastically different he was when Maddox left. And Liadan seems like an interesting character, but I don't know what her significance is yet. I guess now that I'm hooked, I'll have to read the next chapter (if you have it up...)
Renaissance
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This is quite an interesting story. It leaves me trying to figure out what the uniqueness in his blood is. I definitely want more of this. Good detailing, however maybe you should describe John Crowley a little bit more. I couldn't really tell at the end whose point of view it was from however. Was it Liadan or someone else talking to Crowley?? It didn't really specify.
I have to admit, the explanation at the beginning was what helped me to read this. Otherwise I would have gotten very confused.
A great read!! Thanks for sending me this one!!
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It sounds like you have a very interesting story going here. I have no idea where it's going, but it's gripping enough for me to continue with the next chapter.
I'm really curious to find out what he's carrying and what kind of change he goes through. I will go to the next chapter. Very good writing and you have me ready to continue.
#4 I think I would change to word impaling to something a car is more likely to do. Maybe hitting, running me over, slamming?
#13 I'm relieved at how [my] steady my voice sounds.
leave out my
#23great lengths to maintain you identity a secret
Maybe to keep your identity a secret
Trish
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I think it was good
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And the clappies....
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I....like it. It was sooooo long
Oh and don't do the changing point of views it's weird....and just confusing.
I like the overall story tho and how even tho it's written by two different people it still flows very nicely. If that makes any sense....
s
Tay. -
Great
At first, when you started changing point of views I got a little confused but after reading it, it all made sense as to who they were. I look forward to reading the next chapter
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thats great! love your writing! keep trying in those contests and good luck!
Liz
<3
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Hahahaha, Yah I really like it. It kind of makes you think. I think you should keep writing, because you are a reaaaaaaaaaaallllllllyyyy good writer. and I dont think I would change it a bit. ^-^
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i lkie the story
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hello :)
hello mi corazon
I Read This Story For The Second time now
It's a Really Great Story that Relies on Descreption Which I Found You Really Great In
Keep up the Good Work
and I Really Can't Wait till Next Chapter
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I really liked this, you have a very good writing skill
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A little long for my taste, but I still thought it was amazingly awesome-tastic!
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Amazing, mind boggling, interesting and exciting!
I did find a few Gramatical errors, but apart from that, that is one of the best stories i've read. I would definitely rate it a 5! the start, I was kind of thinking, oh, well this is a bit boring, but it seriously pulled through. I was interested, I gasped at leats 10 times, I was excited and I DEFINITELY want to read more! It was the ultimate fantasy type book. (Sorry couldn't think of the word. You know, mysterious etc.) I was amazed at how attached I got to it. I had to go out to shut my chickens up, but as soon as I came back inside, I was on it wanting to read more, wanting to find out more. It was seriously interesting, amazing and fantasically original and interesting. It is exactly the type of thing I was looking for with a little bit of tinge with her Father and saying that she'll have to be sacrificed to awaken Maddox who by the way is a fantasic character! I was amazed at his character and how well it was described and how it was done with such detail! I find it one of the BEST stories (Or should I say books) that I have ever read, expecially on storywrite. I'm probably boring you, so I'll just say one more thing.
I found the Characters by far the most interesting and imaginitive characters in any book. They had a special (Unintentional pun) character about them and how they act. John, when he talks about the [stalking] job, gives me the inde that Liadan was hired recently, maybe even the day before. John, at the end, obviously has his own special flaw. His brother. John gives me the impression that he's stuck in the same job that his brother somehow got into. Liadan is perfect. Smart, funny and is in love at first sight (As you would be with such a great character!) The woman on the phone was also brilliant, The Boss! She gives me the impression that she was in the same situation as Maddox.
Well, That's all.
Amazing story, Amazing plot, everything's amazing, don't change a thing!!!!!!!!!!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I really liked this story :
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Wow, surprisingly, I LOVED it! Usually I don't read stuff like this, but it was AMAZING! I love your style of writing and your techniques. Great job! I will definitely be waiting for the next chapter! This is something unique right here!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, this is a really complex storyline you have here. It was a really neat idea to write this in first person, but also switch between three characters' points of view. Sometimes only looking from one character's eyes greatly limits your option, so this was a great bit of insight and clever imagery.
The story flows well, and the characters are very much alive. The word use is excellent as well. Sufficient detail is supplied to understand the surroundings and the situation, so no complaints there. Whatever grammatical/spelling errors you made, I'm sure your other rabid readers have already pointed it all out.
Great work! Write on.
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Whoa! What a wonderful story! You should def win any story you've entered with this! Bravo darling! *applaud*
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Good
I do however have one slight problem
“Do you need something, Mr. Crowley?” I ask. 82
“Everything is going according to plan. In fact, things couldn’t get any better,” he says with a smirk on his lips, completely ignoring my question. What plan? 83
“So, Liadan, how do you like your new job?” he continues.84
“Oh, it’s great. I was surprised when Madd—I mean Mr. Anziani showed up though. I wasn’t expecting any clients until tomorrow” 85
“Yes, well rest assured, he will be the only client for today.” 86
My curiosity seems to double after he says that.87
“Alright.” I say. He still gazes at me though, making me feel like a bug under a microscope. “I-Is there anything I can help you with Mr. Crowley?” 88
“Actually there is, I have a favor to ask of you Liadan.”89
“A favor?” 90
I believe that was a bit too much speech in that segment.
If you cut it off and somewhat evened it out the story would be great -
Funny. Very funny. Nice job.
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lol thats funny. my cousins name is john joseph crowle
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Para 12: I'm relieved at how steady my voice sounds.- remove the extra my.
Para 19: I walk to one the chairs and sit down, my thoughts turning to the reasy WHY I'm here.
I like the mystery the letter gives to this story. I love the names you used. The blood thing really peaks the readers interest. And quite honestly mine too. I love it! I love Maddox reactions.
I also like the change in character view. Okay, now that I am down to John, my suspicion has been proven. He was reading Maddoxs thoughts.
All in all, I loved this and my interest is painfully peeked. I really hope to read more of this and yes I think you should continue. I'll keep an eye out for the next installment. By the way, it made totaly sense. Even when switching between POV.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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P3. Impaling should just read as hitting--impaling implies it driving through, as with a knife or sword.
P4 painting to paint. (reads better)
P5 close my eyes to... blink. (reads better with the rest of the paragraph).
P7 You use the word framing, as if it were a picture. And it reads awkward.
P14 makes P15 read awkward. Maddox should be more specific. Who's tis mutual friend and how would she know who hewas talking abou?
P28-29 She should be aware that he is there and should hve a plaque with her name on her desk.
P33 he should ask not order if he's being polite.
P35 People in authority positions seldom fel the need to apologize.
P37 unless the girl is the focus of the story and a super-model type then his attention to her is a bit over-done here.
P52-53 unconnected...is he talking or thinking these words?
P35-71 if the men are talking then it should be shown by (") these. and their voices seem to be coming out of thein air there is no description of what they are doing while they are talking or if they are sitting down no one ever sits quite still, they have to be doing something and have facial expressions not expressed here.
P73-79 Who's the speaker? Indicate please.
P23-105. the writing is considerably improved but now it's disjointed from the beginning which is a weaker part nd should be revised so that it reads better and the story flows at a better pace.
P106 who's point of view?
P110 What does what mean?
P115 who looks alot alike?
P113 what person?
P127 comply to agree.
P136-137 who? this isn't clear.
*I am compelled to point out the awkwardness of the story. The three points of view aren't working well here, there's no lead in and no change of scenery but, if you should want to continue with this point of view thing might I suggest that you go to third person narrative which woul work so much beter and give the write the distance needed to narrow te scope, tighten the narrative and make the flow of the scenes better.
Overall the story reads okay but, it can be better if the changes are made, not necessarily mine but you asked for a review nd you got it.
Colloborating with another person is usualy difficult but you seem to be doing okay with it, your wriing styles are different though and it shows--not necessarily a bad thing but, can be distracting if the level of writing and understanding how the spags work and word flow aren't compatable.
The reader can read the marked differnces of the writers which can be distarcting ad retract from the story.
Hope this dos help s this isa very good stor and a good beginning and I would be interested in readin more in the future.
Feel free to delete this comment ifyou don't find it helpful or just don't agree with it. Good luck with the writing.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Interesting
I would read the second chapter, this reminds me of a TV seriese I used to watch about genitics,can't remember the name.
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I got a little confused, but I don't know if it's cuz I'm sick or not. But otherwise, it's well written. :]
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Hi Josh!!!
Madox seems like you, His features etc. and this first person style matching it nicely. Discription is always been your strongest tool in your writing ..same in this story..detailing is very beautiful.
I simply curious about Madox and Liadon...hope you would post soon ...
Well , no doubt you and Amenda have almost same writing style and i can see a comfort between two of you..Good collaboration
Keep writing and don't forget to smile ...it suits you!
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para 4: "The painters did a lousy job; even I could have done a better job of it." sounds a bit repetitive. "even i could have done it better"?
para 23: "mind you" isn't particularly formal language for a letter.
para 27: "i went to the bank" - the switch of tense doesn't really work. I'd suggest you say "i had been to the bank" or just put it in the present.
para 39: "my clients well being" --> "my clients' well-being"
You need a few commas, mainly after speech, but otherwise there were few grammatical errors.
I think it needs a bit of work to cut out some more rambling bits, but otherwise it was quite interesting, and I'm intrigued now! -
this was interistingly written, a bit confusing at som stages but and interisting read and should turn out to be an excellent story.
good work!
Hunter~
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Confused!
I am so confused! However, I think that was the whole point to this chapter, give the reader just enough information to keep them wanting more. Well trust me, I want more, and I'm giving it two thumbs way up! I love stories written from different characters point of views, it gives a different feel to the story, and you don't lose track of a character if they are separated from the others.
I told you I'd read it all eventually. Always keep my promises, and because of this story I'm glad I do! Such a cliff hanger, so much mystery, so much to be learned!
I'm eager for the next chapter! Good job to all of you!
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i loved it. it left me hanging. i wanna know what is so special about him and who the others are and..... i guess everything.
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interesting.Kept me eager to see what happened next.The characters are great,I can imagine them.keep it up.
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I think this does make for an interesting first chapter. I like how you change from person to person to person, and I know who is who. I also like your descriptions of places and the dialogue is overall pretty good.
My favorite part is when Maddox first speaks with John about being a carrier, particularly this part in paragraph 53:
Carriers? What? Now I'm a carrier? What the hell? This is some elaborate joke.
That made me chuckle.
I like the attraction between Maddox and Liadan, and, now that she's being paid to follow him, I know she's going to start liking him even more...if that's possible. Sweet couple.
Ooooh, and I like the 'cold-hearted and hard woman' that John speaks to over the phone. The way they talk is almost...cryptic. That really spiked my interest.
Other than some places that need commas and a few that need hyphens, I thoroughly enjoyed this story very well.
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It's pretty cool, but quite long. Thats alright, though I loved it anyway.
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Its ok!
It's intriging enough. But it is a little weird in having 3 few points on the first chapter. But now this is where we find out who or what Maddox is? And after reading Stephenie Meyer and Vampires, I have a feeling but please proof me wrong when I read the next chapter.
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It was great!!! I cant wait to see waht happens next!!! Please keep writing!!! You write amazing but there was a few spelling errors... Keep up the good work!!!
<3/Elenore
beginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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great.i can't wait to see what happens next.keep it up.
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Love the story and I really hope you continue writing, I was so engrossed with the story I didn't even look for grammar mistakes i did find one at the beginning though
Paragraph 10 it says, "at how my strongly my voice sounds." so just get rid of the first my...i usually pick up on the littlest of mistakes but since you got me really into the story i didn't notice much so well done!
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P4 'I glance at the still wet painting on the windows.' I get the visual of someone actually painting the window. Are you meaning the trim around the windows? This is just a small thing, but I thought I'd point it out.
In P15 and P16 the secretary says '"He will see you in a few minutes." and then your character says '"Alright, I can wait, thanks,"', you've already stated that Maddox will have to wait to see Mr. Crowley, so repeating that he will wait is unnecessary (I am learning to cut the unnecessary words from my own work). IMHO I'd cut 'I can wait'. 
The letter popped up out of nowhere. Maybe a little introduction before hand and the thing with the secretary is very confusing. Is it important to the rest of the story or are you just trying to show how awkward he is around woman or people in general?
P36 you tell us your character feels like John is 'exerting his power' but you don't show us. Maybe describe the desk more. Is it huge? Does it take up the whole room? Maybe the chair Maddox sits down in is a little too short and he has to look up at John as he is sitting behind this large intimidating desk, etc.
P59,61,62,65,67 some of the questions Maddox asks before then the ones mentioned before are without "", is this on purpose? Does John read minds? Most confusing.....
Ok, I see now, but still, it was very confusing..
Ok, so most of my questions were explained at the end, but I wonder if there is anyway to not confuse the reader before then. I doubt it, it would give away too much too soon.
Anyways intriguing chapter. You two work well together.
Brooke
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Wow, i like the change in people, and yeah i think it is defiantly good enough to read the next part!!
so hope you and Amanda do as well on chapter 2! ( i am sure you will though ) Lol
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wow
Good one alvarez! I really enjoy stories where i can read the other characters thoughts. I'm curious about what will happen.. it kinda hints reminders of twilight, about the transforming, and the imprinting..im sure it will be different though but it kinda reminds me of that.lol I wanna read what happens next so u better not stop writing! Good job Avarez and..Partner
~Pac
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Good beginning
nice building suspense, makes me want to read further. I also enjoy the changing first person- nice touch. Watch out for the verb tenses, prepositions at end of sentences. Overall, nice work.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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i like i like, your writing never ceases to amaze me.
watch out for those few spelling errors >:]
mwahahahahaha.
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