It was a cool spring morning, and the air was especially brisk on the peak of Mt. Diasha. Fog filled the small, chamber-like clearing in which four strangely attired figures sat at a black table waiting for someone else to show up. It wasn't long before a loud concussion was heard, and the last member of the odd group appeared out of nowhere.1
He was covered in heavy, amazingly contoured armor from head to toe, yet his voice still rang out clearly when he addressed the others.2
"Our time is up my friends, are all of you ready to make your choice?" He held up a small box, with different colored ribbons hanging out for each of the ones seated to choose from. Once they'd each taken, he made his own choice, and put the box down.3
"Once you're alone, drop the ribbon in a bowl of water to see the face of the mortal who will represent you. Should your mortal find the prize first, then the rest of us will acknowledge your leadership," The man, known to some by the name Forge, told them with no emotion in his voice. "Upon leaving here, all powers of scrying, prophecy, and other magical means of gathering information will be sealed. Remember, while we can occasionally help our mortals, any overt intervention will be dealt with by the rest of us."4
A woman stood up then, dressed in a lacy black dress that clung and weaved across her ample form like an intricate spiderweb. "Should one of us break the rules of this bet, are we simply disqualified, or will the consequences be more dire?" Her name was Lorraine, and as she spoke she gave each person there a sinister smile. Her voice implied that she'd much prefer the latter option, an impression not lost on her armored companion.5
"No, anyone who ignores our rules will be confined until our contest ends, I don't think there's any need to kill the guilty party; one of our number gone is enough for me," Forge said, turning his head to calmly face Lorraine as he said the last part. Few people could stare at her without trembling in fear, and those people were among the group she sat with.6
"You forgot the most important rule, metal-head," said a tall, good looking man with spiky hair as he stood up to talk to everyone. He wore baggy black pants and no shirt, but one wouldn't have noticed from looking at him; his entire chest, back and both arms were covered in tiny blue print. "We can interact with our chosen mortals, but only in our mortal forms. Helping them in our normal forms would be considered cheating."7
Nodding to the other man in appreciation, Forge turned again to the others. "So we are all agreed, then?"8
When they all nodded their accord, he grabbed his ribbon from the table and vanished. Following suit, each of the others took theirs and disappeared as well.9
A minute passed once they were all gone, and then a man slid out from the shadows and walked to the table. Seeing the box still there, he shook his head and grinned. As he approached, another ribbon snaked around the edge of the box, towards the man's waiting fingers. He snatched the ribbon as he passed, then made his own exit. 10
As he walked away, he couldn't help laughing. "Arrogant fools," he muttered. He stopped for a moment, reading the name on his ribbon a second time. "Wrong one.. still, I'm sure Forgy would trade anything for the one I've got. This might actually be fun!"11
Coming to the conclusion that walking back down a steep mountain wasn't very entertaining, he snapped his fingers and was gone in a flash.12
Author notes
very vague right now, it will get better I promise LOL.
- the world of fantasy group list • next in list
- Quirky Fantasy group list • next in list
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
Oooo--I missed the prologue. I'm glad I found it before getting too far into the story. Great set up. I'm so curious now, I'm fit to burst. I must read more. You're a very talented writer and I acknowledge you. *bows*
~Mab
-
Wow absolutely amazing
It is an amazing start and I can not wait for more. It flowed well and had a nice unique story. Waiting to read more....beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Thanks a lot, I'm glad you like it so far!
.. If you want, post whatever you want feedback on in the group page, easier that way haha 
.
-
-
Interesting prologue. Initial impression of the characters is a little cliche, but there's nothing wrong with that. I found myself wanting to know more about each of them, but I like the vaguery because it's left me wanting to read on. Perhaps a bit more detail on their reactions to each other?
I like the premise of your story. I immediately sat up as I read and took interest in how things would unfold... what type of mortal would be paired with each Being? Who is the stranger at the end of the prologue and who is the mortal that was chosen? Also which mortal was he hoping for? I also found myself curious about how your world (in the story) is organized.
Had I picked this up and read it in a book store, I would likely start reading the first page in continued interest.
I agree with Rustic: the others who have commented are offering suggestions that I, myself, would offer.
A good start. -
Interesting
I think this has much promise
and as all your advice given entries below state, I agree and have no furthur imput
-
-
thanks, I've been trying to edit it thanks to peoples' suggestions, hopefully it'll come out better!
-
-
Expand & Expound
Add more to it, this seems promising. I'm going to assume that the individuals in the beginning are gods, and this would function well as a prologue/introductory chapter were you to add more description, a tad more character development, and, well, more description. =)
Keep goin' with it. -
Okay, this is a good base stting prologue. There are some first draft things such as "a loud band" when something like a deep rumbling clap of thunder or more descriptive phrase would fill the tale out more. And one I get hammered on all the time, saying something like a gorgeous lacey dress tells us, but shows us nothing. Decsribe the dress and let us decide that it's gorgeous.
Some more details about the Gods - like names- might also be nice, and the guy at the end is a very good add.
So how many ribbons were in the box, and are any still left?
-
-
Thanks, I know there's a lot that could be filled out, I wrote this in a rush after writing some of the actual chapters, so there's definitely some editing in the future haha.
I tried to avoid names, because at this point 2 of the Gods aren't completely detailed yet, not sure if I should add the names later or not.
The guy at the end is one of my favorite characters, actually
.
At risk of ruining some plot, there are a few more ribbons, but it's the ones that are pulled out that are important to their contest. Each ribbon represents a person with unique abilities or heritage, to be a little more clear.
-
-
So, don't get me wrong about the story, it is a good one and should be continued. As, I am having trouble gettingoff this page, I think there's something wrong with the system or my comp. so, I reread it and hope to read more of your work in the future.
-
-
Thanks, I know I cheaped out on descriptions for now, because I rushed through this, but I'll be cleaning up a bit soon enough. Glad you enjoyed it.
-
-
A good beginning, engaging and interesting.
Although I would work on the descriptions: e.g. her dress cascading down her ample form like a spiderweb.
What exactly were you trying to say here? Other than that, this reads well over-all.
The beginning is a little bit vague and there's not much of a draw in--the characrets do seem interesting and I am wondering about that last man.
Are they Gods, Immortals or what? I guess, the readers who follow this story through will get the who, what, when, why, and how of it all.
There's an element of mystery that is intriguing, but clearly more is needed.
Good luck with your writing.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
I liked it. It is obvioiusly not enought to say if I like the story, but I thought you did a nice job on the prologue. I would at least give chapter one a read.
-
Oh man i wanna read the rest!!!!!
-
-
Glad you liked it, few people have been interested in my story so far.
-
-
I LOVED THIS.
-
Wow, this one's promising. I liked the way each of them (the Gods?) got their 'mortal hero'. And with the fact that they can show themselves only in a mortal form, would thay have to die to return to being what thay are (immortals, or what ever)?
When you mentioned the spiked-hair one, I saw an image of a guitarist that has spiky hair too... That one will have his face for me, funny as it sounds. Especialy since at the moment I have a desktop picture of his face, all in blue and with some lines... Imprinted, you may say. Call me crasy, I'm like that
The last one is a bad guy, right? I can't wait to see what he wants, or what he will do.
One question though... It just popped into my mind that often there is only one villain. Will some of the rest... Stray sort to speak?
-
-
Well I just added this prologue now to add some background to my story, since I'm getting far enough that the gods will soon become much more involved. And.. You'd be surprised about who of those people turn out to be 'villains' and who doesn't.
Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed reading!
-
-
I like surprises So I'm sure I'll enjoy the rest
-
-
-
AHH i have to know what happens next! this was real good. i loved it, the ending could use a little work, but otherwise, great job!
-
-
Thanks, it's not very well planned out, because in my actual story I haven't gotten to introducing many of the gods yet, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
