A Day In The Life Of An Anorexic

I glare at my mother when her back is turned. She’s the one who didn’t teach me how fattening cookies were, how many calories cake had, and how much bigger those things would make my stomach. My mother is the one who let me eat all that sickening food instead of forcing me to eat healthy foods like my friend’s parents. It’s not all her fault, of course. I was weak and stupid. Now I am strong, stronger than ever before. At fourteen years and six months, five foot three, and one-hundred twenty pounds, I weigh less than I did three weeks ago, when I started losing weight the easy and better way. When I started, I weighed a hundred forty one pounds. I have lost twenty-one pounds in three weeks and I am happy about that. It’s not enough, though. I am still a fat girl. My weight loss goal is eighty pounds. Then I will be beautiful!1

“Good morning, Anya, have some breakfast!” my mother exclaims in her overly cheery voice, making me want to bash my head into the wall. Why is she trying so hard to make me fat like her? Alright, that was mean of me. She isn’t fat, she just kind of has a large body shape. She looks fine, but I know for a fact she’s overweight.2

“Carmen and I are going to breakfast at her parent’s place.” I lie. Carmen is my best friend, and she and her parent’s restaurant have often been my excuse not to eat. I’ve always loved the place, so it isn’t too suspicious. Carmen doesn’t know about my weight loss strategy, or the fact I’ve been using her as an excuse not to eat. She wouldn’t approve of it. She makes fun of the girls who starve themselves to be stick-thin. How would she feel if she knew I was one of those girls?3

“Have a nice time and bring me back a cinnamon bun!” my mother exclaims, in a just as happy voice. I never lie to her before, mostly because I’m a good girl. I don’t sneak out, I don’t sample alcohol and cigarettes at parties, and I get good grades. As she says that, I immediately think of my excuse for not bringing her a cinnamon bun. I’ll say we ate the last ones.4

“Bye mom.” I say as I exit out the door. A part of me wishes I could have had the bacon in the frying pan, cooked the way everyone in my family likes it- not too crunchy. That same part of me wishes Carmen and I were going to her family’s restaurant, since they’ve got the best food in town. That, of course, is the weak part of me. 5

I jump into Carmen’s brand new silver Toyota when it pulls up. She can drive, which is a real plus since we don’t have to hitch rides with our parents or my older brother Jacob. We can talk about important things without having to whisper, and it’s more impressive than having people see your parents kissing you goodbye when you get out of their Jeep.6

“Hey, Carmen, good morning. I’ve got fifty dollars for the mall- how much do you have?” I ask. Hopefully we’ll go broke shopping at the mall and we won’t have any money left for the food court.7

“Hey, Anya. Forty bucks, want a cinnamon bun?” Carmen asks, and I notice she’s munching on a small cinnamon bun and there’s a plate of them in her lap. She’s so lucky, she’s a girl who can eat as much as she wants and stays thin. I asked her how she did it once, and she shrugged and told me it was just the way she was. Why did she get all the luck? I shake my head no. I’m not weak anymore. A few months ago I would have dug in and ate three or four during the very short trip to the mall.8

We pull up in the parking lot of the mall and nearly run straight to Aeropostale, which is having a sale. We don’t want anyone to get the good stuff before we do. I feel sad when I see 00 shorts. Can I fit in them? I grab the shorts, along with a couple more pairs and a hoodie that Carmen thinks will look awesome on me. 9

In the changing room, I want to cry. All I can see is fat, fat, fat. I am a fat girl. Why did I feel so happy about those lost pounds? I am still so fat. Hopefully, I’ll look better once I’ve reached my goal. I try to put the shorts on without looking in the mirror, since my reflection makes me want to cry. Too small. Damn it. I put my shorts back on and walk out with the 00s so I can put them back. Carmen is modeling a pair of shorts similar to the ones I just tried on.10

“How do they look?” she asks me unsurely. 11

“What size are they?” I ask, trying to make it sound like a just out of curiosity question.12

“00s. But what do you think of them?” Carmen says, obviously a tiny bit impatient. She wears 00s. No surprise there, since she’s tiny and very thin. Why can’t I be like her?13

“They look great.” I say with a forced smile. No need to rain on her parade. Besides, they do look great. I’m just being jealous and wishing I could fit in them. I put the shorts back and decide to just try on shirts, since I can’t deal with my fat waist. I buy several shirts and Carmen buys two pairs of shorts and a cheap cami. Somehow, we managed to blow all out money on that trip. Oops. On the bring side, the food court is not an option. Although Carmen does not seem to agree.14

“I’ve got some coins at the bottom of my purse, Anya, we could get something.” Carmen tries to persuade me. 15

“Let’s just get some water from the water fountain, I’m not hungry.” I lie, wishing I didn’t have to. If only I was naturally skinny. But I am not; I am a fat, fat girl. Food is the enemy. Water is good and exercise is good. But food is evil, hoping to fill, to make you fat so nobody will like you. Food works against you. I can’t believe my best friend hasn’t realized that yet. But as long as I remember that food is poison, I will be perfectly fine.16