The Warning Colour (Part I) - Glint

True friendship is never serene."
- Mariede Svign1

Wisconsin, 30th January 1994 2

Outside, soft flakes of snow continued to dust the earth with a fine icing-sugar-like coating. Though it was basically the end of winter, people were still greeted by whiteness and unseasonably freezing temperatures. Winter never usually lingered like this, but this year had been fairly colder.3

Inside, in the cosy warmth, the television was tuned to the kids' channel, playing a new episode of Boy Meets World.4

"Kids?" Holly's father called.5

Both Holly and Ian sprang up from the couch and raced to the front hall, skidding to a stop.6

"Ha, I beat you!" Holly proclaimed triumphantly to her best friend Ian's irritated expression.7

The four adults chuckled. The kids looked up to see their parents dressed up and putting on their coats and hats, ready to go out – some dinner party, they had said.8

"Well, sweethearts," said Ian's mother, "You'll both be safe, okay? You've had supper, and all the doors and windows are locked. Make sure you don't answer the door to anyone unless it's Mrs. Miguel. And please go to bed at a decent time – latest is nine, but only for tonight. Ian, got all your things for the sleepover?" She added.9

Ian nodded. Holly's parents and Ian's kissed both their red heads goodnight, and were off down the pathway. Holly waited until the car was out of sight before she closed and locked up the front door, though her mother had told her not to stand out or she'd catch her death.10

Ian yawned, as she turned around. Since she was already ten and Ian was still nine, and also rather small and freckly for his age, and considering it was her house, Holly felt it her duty to look after everything.11

In a motherly tone, she said, "Alright, off to bed then."12

Ian stuck his tongue out, turned on his heel and scampered upstairs. Holly pulled a face and went to turn off the lights and the TV.13

"Oh no…"she murmured, tiptoeing up the stairs. They creaked almost silently, like a subtle, haunting chorus.14

Holly hated the dark, especially when there were no grownups around the house. The tiniest noises could make her jump, sending a wave of goose bumps up her arms. But now it was too quiet and the silence was starting to worry her.15

"Ian?" she called uncertainly. No reply came back so she called more loudly, "Ian?"16

When again there was no answer, she shouted, "Ian, you're not funny! Why'd you turn off all the lights up here?"17

She softly treaded down the hallway to her bedroom. The door was closed. She attempted to push it open but it wouldn't budge.18

"Ian!" Holly yelled, "Open the door! Ian, I swear…"19

Just then the door flew open and Holly tumbled in from the momentum of suppressed pushing. At the same time, there was a loud, what could only be described as a, war cry and someone jumped on top of her.20

"Aaaaaaaaaaagghh!" Holly screamed.21

She rolled over and dug her nails in the other person, still shrieking until her screams were paralleled with another. The other person elbowed her in the stomach and rolled away. Holly kept yelling with pain and fright until the light switched on, which suddenly cut her off. She blinked up at a panting Ian.22

"You idiot," she said, annoyed and still half-stunned, "You scared me half to death."23

Ian grinned, and then came forward to help her up. She brushed him off and picked herself up.24

"Oh, come on. Don't be mad. I was just messing about. You know me," he smiled, "Besides, you should've seen the look on your face – classic."25

She shot him a contemptuous look, "You calling me chicken? Fine, let's play truth or dare – me first."26

"'Kay, truth or dare?"27

"Dare!" declared Holly.28

"Climb out onto the roof, then the apple tree and pick a leaf or blossom to prove it."29

"But the tree's too far away from the roof!" she exclaimed.30

"Here chicky chicky…" he smirked.31

Holly sent him another scathing look and unlocked the window. Hoisting herself up, she carefully climbed out onto the sloping roof. The wind was biting and she hadn't thought to slip on a jacket but, nonetheless, she carried on stepping until she was near the closest branch to the roof.32

She reached out a hesitant leg to test the distance; it was too far. It looked like she'd have to jump. Well, she wasn't going back in without something.33

"Don't look down, don't look down…" she whispered to herself, trying to ignore the numbness stealing over her extremities.34

Gathering her nerves, she stepped back a bit, preparing to make a short run up to the edge. Just then, she felt something slight give way and a few old roof tiles crumbled under her, falling to the garden below. It was too late, she had looked down.35

And that's when she saw the silver glint in the darkness. It was momentary, like something briefly catching the dim light of the half-hidden moon. She thought it might have really quickly been reflected in something that looked very much like eyes.36

She shook her head and blinked, looking again but couldn't discern anything. Everything was submerged in the thickness of cold night. Holly reasoned it was just a trick of the light or her stupid, crazy imagination.37

'Okay, maybe I can just try one more time at the tree -'38

CRASH!39

Holly's self-convincing was abruptly cut off by a loud crash of what she assumed were her mother's plant pots breaking.40

'Must be Mrs. Miguel's stupid cat again,' she thought, rather hopefully. Well that was the only explanation. What else would be down there messing about, knocking over pots?41

'But those pots are too heavy for a cat to knock over...' a voice said in the back of her mind. She crushed that thought and tried to quell her rising fear.42

When her thudding heart had calmed down a bit, she looked around again. It was as if the darkness had expanded. The moon had gone behind the thick, grey clouds. And without the moonlight, Holly imagined that the atmosphere had become frostier.43

Now she was too tense to carry out the dare. Without a second glance at the black night, she hastily crawled back into the room and pulled the window down.44

"Well?" Ian demanded.45

"It was bare. Not a leaf in sight, let alone a blossom. It's winter after all," she lied.46

"Almost spring actually. I saw quite a bit of green up there this morning… You didn't do it, did you?" smirked Ian, who had already climbed into the bottom bunk, tucked warmly under the covers.47

"Oh, shut up," muttered Holly, shivering. She changed her sweater, throwing the wet one at Ian, and clambered up onto the top bunk.48

"So, truth or dare?" she said.49

"Oh, we're still playing? Truth, then."50

"Chicken," she whispered.51

"Oh, look who's talking!"52

"Okay, what're you gonna be then, when you're all grown up?"53

Ian chuckled, "You know I've told you millions of times – King of the Noise Factory, obviously; specializing in life-like animal noises, mocking sounds, music of all ages and genres, knock-'em-dead comebacks, flawless parent or teacher imitations…"54

Holly laughed, with a little involuntary snort, "What're you rattling on about, moron?"55

"And you'd be my Queen…" Ian continued merrily.56

And before she knew it, Holly had giggled herself to sleep, while Ian had chattered himself dry, softly snoring now.57

Once she'd fallen asleep though, her dreams were uneasy… The light, powdery snow had blown itself into a full-scale blizzard and their parents still weren't home. The power had gone off, leaving them freezing their butts off. All the food had disappeared and the torches were burned out. Suddenly, every window started clattering, the doors banging open and shut, the wind howling, the walls shuddering, the room closing in on the two children – and the glint; it was getting sharper, closer, deadlier…

Author notes

This is based on a true story (not personal though). The main event is real. However I have changed some facts (especially names, locations etc) and I've elabourated on bits and made some innovations. Looking back on my work, I also realize I have incorporated some personal aspects and backgrounds to the story though I didn't originally intend to. Well, hope you enjoy it .

Please be critical about whatever you think needs improving. Please leave somewhat detailed views on the story.
There's a part 2, 3 and 4 coming .

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • Twixzster!!!

    The first thing I noticed was that you have much better SPaG than a good 75% of the Storywrite users. The second thing I noticed was that your descriptions are pretty damn great--the imagery explodes off the page, which is always a good thing. Third, you use foreshadowing incredibly well--or at least, I think you do, but it all depends on where you go with the story. One thing you should watch out for is using similar words in close proximity (example: "Climb out onto the roof, onto the apple tree"). It disrupts the story's flow. Otherwise, I could spot nothing wrong with this. The characterization is excellent, the plot is great, and I can't wait to read the next part

    Renaissance


    • twixzster
      October 3
      Edit | Reply

      Thankyouuu :D

      Actually, I can't believe I didn't notice that. I dislike it when people use the same words near each other.
      Er, forgive my lameness but what are SPaGs?

      • SPaG means spelling, punctuation and grammar. Most of us are way too lazy to write the whole thing lmfao


  • gothemchick101
    September 22

    Edit | Reply
    You have to love the ending in this, especially if you like cliff hangers-which I love! This was awesome nice and fast paced. I wonder what will happen next, but with the ending I think I might know although I might be wrong. Over all this was an amazing story and I will have to continue reading this. I also hope you continue it too.

    ~Dakota Lynn


    • twixzster
      September 22
      Edit | Reply
      i've done 4 parts/chapters right now n still workin on more.
      thankyou for reading


  • Whisper Largo
    September 6
    Edit | Reply

    goodgood

    That was really interesting. Liking it :] .

    very good xx


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    September 5

    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting story. I foresaw the story going in a different direction. Nice change of pace, there.

    The flow seems perfect and the descriptions are very nice. Great work. Although I don't believe I saw and smell in there. A good rule of thumb is to apply all five senses into each story.

    Overall, it was a good read. Thanks for sharing it.

    • twixzster
      September 5
      Edit | Reply
      thankyou
      I actually never thought about that, the senses; that's good advice. Thanks.
      Part 2 is different, so I think what you foresaw might be true, if you read on, unless you have read, and part 2 is not what you foresaw lol.

  • hals
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked the mysterious, dangerous factor of the piece contrasted with the lightheartedness of the two friends, and the descriptions are quite good (although they could probably be embellished slightly in some places with a few extra words, mostly in the beginning). You could probably drag this story out a little more at certain points - not that it isn't suspenseful, because it most definitely is, but to emphasize important elements, like the strange glint. I think prolonging her time on the roof (description-wise) would definitely make the reader feel more chilled, and it would give them a better sense of Holly's emotions (the fact that you talked about how she is afraid of the dark earlier was a really nice setup).

    But this was a really great story - I enjoyed reading it, and I'm in suspense right now! Can't wait to find out what happens next...

    • twixzster
      August 28
      Edit | Reply
      Well, I couldn't leave it til later, it was annoyin me anyway, I added more to the roof bit, & a sentence when she's climbing upstairs. other than that, I'm not sure where to add. Plz check it n if u have another point, tell me.

1 - 10 of 10