Akito's Storytime #5

It was a beautiful summer afternoon. The sun was shining, the birds were singing (as the sun and birds are often wont to do) and I was selling pink lemonade in front of my house... like every wholesome all American nine year old boy does.I had so many pleased customers. I sold a cup to Mr. Jacoby the mailman, a cup to our neighbor Mrs. Barnes, two for my mom and dad and to so many more good people. I was so happy! Yay! Three dollars more and I could afford the model race car I saw at Hobby World.... ... ...That's when the mysterious stranger appeared."Good afternoon, ma'am! Would you like to buy a cup of pink lemonade!" I said.

..."What?" She said flatly.

"Would you like to buy a cup of pink lemonade?"

"Pink lemonade?"

"Uh-huh."

"You mean that's it?! 'Oh, wou' 'ou like some pink wemonade?'" She mocked me. "You want me to buy some pink lemonade?!"

"... ... ...yes."

"Then Godamnit, sell it to me!"

"I...I don't understand what you mean." I was scared.

"Jesus Christ on a cracker kid, you couldn't sell balls to a eunuch! You call that a sales pitch?! Come on! Sell the bitch to me! You wanna unload your pink lemonade?! Then make me want it! Make me feel like I can't live without it!"

"I... I... I..." I stammered.

"DO IT!"

"Um...um...my lemonade...is made with the freshest lemons... and uh... sweetened...with pure cane sugar...and..."

"Come on you little bastard... turn that fucker out! Make me wanna sell my mama for it!"

"I don't think I can..."

She slapped me. "You better! Or so help me i'll reach down your throat so far i'll be able to grab your dick from the inside and turn it inside-out!"

"O.O ... ... ... My pink lemonade will bring you many nights of orgasmic like pleasure! It will bring you great fame and powers untold! To not buy my pink lemonade it to fail at life! To not only fail at life... but to deserve to be killed in the most horrible of ways! Anyone who does not partake of my liquid heaven should have their kidneys extracted through their eye sockets! Drink my pink lemonade... or you're NOTHING!!!"

I fell over onto the grass.

"There... that's better." The woman said.

I got up, panting. "So... would you like to buy a cup?"

... ... ..."No thanks. I already bought some from the kid across the street."

1

Author notes

When I got to Hobby World the model cars were sold out.

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • StarSmith
    November 1, 2005
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    ... If some creepy stranger lady slapped me when I was nine years old I would gnaw her feet off at the ankles with my teeth. Then make her eat them. ^_^ So... this reeally happened to you?

  • Sekhmet666
    October 4, 2005
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    This poem was so funny. I love it. I hope you don't mind but i'm going to add you to my favorites.


  • FreeStyleBlue
    September 30, 2005
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    Brilliant

    I thought it was hilarious. I'm a sucker for a funny story, myself. It doesn't matter how descriptive you get, as long as it can make people laugh. It's sort of like a bad singer who writes funny songs. It doesn't really matter how they sing it, it's still funny. Like Brad Montague or Tenacious D...Who are complete opposites, so ignore that last sentence if you know who they both are... Anyway, Great Job!

  • dollar robinson
    September 29, 2005
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    good

    i have never encountered so simple and direct a verse. it is not brilliant but it has motive. clearly, the dialogue is absurd but the frustration is understandable. altogether good though it could stand some more detail...time of day, brightness, description of antagonist and so forth...but good.

  • sappho87
    September 28, 2005
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    Sorry, forgot one thing: "eunch" should be "eunuch". (Im aware it could be a typo but I just thought Id point it out... )

  • sappho87
    September 28, 2005
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    Stroytime, eh? Gotta love those typos! ^_^
    The ending is sad. (Well, not really. Its more just a kick in the balls than anything, but its kinda sad...In a funny way... )
    Overall, I give it...Oh...theres no emoticon for thumbs up on here, is there? Well, Id give you two of those if I could.
    In the meantime you just get an applaud.

1 - 6 of 6