It starts with a shot of vodka,
His cheeks light up a rosy pink,
His voice get's angrier,
He never stops to think.1
Two shot, three shot, four,
He dribbles when he talks,
His breath smells so foul,
He stumbles when he walks.2
Five shot, six shot, seven,
His movements become slower,
He loses all sense of direction,
Miles away from sober.3
Eight shot, nine, ten,
He forgets who I am,
Beats me with the closest thing,
'BANG!' 'CRASH!' 'SLAM!'4
Eleven shot, twelve, thirteen,
He cant even open his eyes,
Snores as he lays on top of me,
Until my mother cries.5
When she sees the state he is in,
Laying on top of me,
She reaches for the bottle of vodka,
One shot, two shot, three.
Author notes
-no comment-
A contest entry
- Give Me Your Best Poetry! by mememe6.
150 points, ended September 9, 54 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything your heart desires! by CelesteSanford.
825 points, ends December 5, 184 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - POETRY--II by rinzu.
175 points, ended October 30, 59 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Sadly that's real life for many mothers and daughters. I do like the end. I'm not above wishing for a little revenge against those who hurt others. A sad but ultimately gratifying poem!
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This was one of the most emotional heart wrenching poem, I have heard in a while.
Mainly because it came from the heart. But I really, really hope this is not happening to you. If it is I'm so sorry, you don't deserve it.
The last part was great. It just left me intrigued somehow.
And I really like the one shot, two shot things at the begging of each stanza.
This was an amazing poem.
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Thank you
, Im glad it has that affect on you, and don't worry, I can handle it .
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I too hope this isn't real? But, sadly, this happens all too often in life. Well written!
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Thank you very much
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Painful
Hope this isn't your bio. Nicely done bit with the Mother reaching for the bottle when she should be reaching for a gun.
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:D
Haha, yeah....I would of done XD
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oh my...!!! was that real???
but done nicely...guess you poured your heart out...
good luck
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Haha...well, half of it was, the other wasn't
Thank you
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This is wondeeful kinda scary... question is "your dad" raping yu?
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 3, characters: 3.
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:D
no, he is just trying to get a good feel...but that never happened to me, dont worry xD!
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This is all too real. I think you did a great job on this. This really pulled on my heartstrings. You should definitely keep writing poetry. I see this as your strong point. Good job!
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Wow. That was really good and has such emotion. Do your parents actually do this to you? I am so sorry if they do. Really though, great poem. Great job.
~Claire -
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xD
VERY close to it...not the laying on top of me part because I would get REALLY angry...but....mainly, yeah....
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p5-"He can(')t...
This was good and realistic but I feel that there is something missing. I think it would be better if there was more of a strict structure to it. For ex. you started a stanza with, "Two shot, three shot, four," then another with, "Eight shot, nine, ten." -
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:D
Hey man...I like to go with the flo....I don't like strict structures....I like it to be able to rhyme with the words, not the pattern.
Thank you for the comment though
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Refreshing in a dark way
I am very impressed by this. It is refreshing to read something which has a little bit more substance to it. I do find the third verse a little awkward, i think its the word "seven" which throws off the rhythm a little but i think that is definately forgivable.
I think the key to this poem is its simplicity. You haven't over emphasised what you are trying to say and have not resulted to using over the top shock tactics which could have been easy to do.
This is from the heart and beautifully painful. My full commendations.
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:D
Why, thank you very much
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wow. Very good, and I only hope this isnt drom personal experience. In p1, "get's" should be "gets". That's all I saw wrong, good job indeed. I especially liked the ending.
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lol, Get's was only like that because spell check wont let me to make it gets XD.....when I press next to publish, it does it automatically XD....stupid internet >.<...
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wow
This is great, your message is loud and clear. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole poem,it creates a very realistic and vivd image.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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nice. really nice. paragraph 4 made me cry and the fact that the mother drank too made me cry more.
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:(
Aww, well, I am happy that my poem touched you so much....sorry it made you cry xD...
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This very well describes the effects of alcohol in a very interesting way. And the mother, she starts drinking too. I love it, it's great. It's a bit of a twist, that she too turns to alcohol probably because of what the father is doing, and she's absolutely fed up with him.
Sentences fit in nicely with each other and the story made me think hard about the serious effects of alcohol on people.
Good job!
language: 5.
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:D
Thank you so much!
And yeah, I agree, I tried to make it seem like vodka is what she took because she just gives up...
I was outrageously furious when I wrote this xD....
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Great stuff, with rhymes that really work. Beautiful flow to the poem, with the rhyming not hurting it in the slightest.
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Thank you
I'm really happy with all these comments xD
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Nice poem. No seriously nice poem. Iloved the fact of your parents drinking vodka. I love it when my parents do cuz they let me do whatever I want but anyways nice job.
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Thank you.... but I dont think I designed it to be 'nice', but I know what you mean .
And LOL!!!! Yeah, Parents are nice when they are a little bit tipsy (SOMETIMES)... but some parents do not know thier limits....like mine...
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The writing in this, the repetitive language, and the almost over-use of onomatopoeia is beautiful in a tragic way. If anything can bring awareness to the raw emotion of domestic abuse, it is poems like this.
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< :D
Thank you, I really appreciate your opinion and in put.
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