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Lectured by their mother, both Gracie and Emily McKenzie knew they were not to go near the main road. It was not as busy as the highway, but plenty of cars drove on that road. There were avenues of homes a long that road.
Living on an avenue of different styled houses, made it unique in this small Colorado college town. Most of the parents that lived on the street worked at the university as professors or in administration. Gracie and Emily’s mother worked there as guidance counselor.
One day Gracie thought that she could cross the road, throw her shoes in the canal, and cross back without any problems. She was not a baby and knew how to cross the road. She ran to the main road and stopped. Looking to the left, Gracie did not see any cars. Then she look to the right, there were no cars. Again, she looked to the left, and the road was still clear.
She hurried across and stopped right at the edge of the embankment of the canal. It looked a long ways down to the water. Gracie slipped off one shoe, and just as she started slipping off the other shoe, she lost her balance and slid down the embankment into the water.
Her heart pounded with fear as she saw how swift the water was and she was up to her chest in it. Scrambling to get out, Gracie dug her little fingers in the dirt of the embankment, pulling up on the side, and braces her bare feet into the side of the embankment to climb up. The top of the road looked so very far away, but she was determined to get there.
Tears flooded her eyes when she reached the top and promised she would never cross the road again. All of a sudden, she heard Emily call her name from across the road.
“Gracie, what are you doing over there?” Emily shouted.
Gracie hated the way Emily thought she was the boss of her; she was only eight, not sixteen. “Nothing,” she shouted back. Gracie looked to the left down the road, and then she looked to the right and then left again. There was a car coming, and it honked its horn just as it got to them. She took a step back as the car passed.
Hurrying back across the road where Emily was waiting, tears were streaming down her cheeks. She was wet and muddy, her knees and arms were scraped and bleeding, she had mud in her blond curly hair, and she had been so scared.
“What were you doing over there?” Emily cried, as she grabbed Gracie’s scraped hand. “You know we are not to cross the street over there.”
Gracie hissed from the pain, “I just wanted to see what the water looked like,” Gracie lied.
“What are you going to tell Mom?” Emily asked.
“Nothing, I’m going to sneak in and hurry to my room and change clothes,” Gracie told her. “You’re not going to tell on me are you?”
Emily gazed at her little sister, and was glad she was all right except for a few scrapes and bruises. “No, I won’t tell on you,” Emily said. “Don’t ever cross that road again.”
“Oh don’t worry; I won’t ever go over there again.” Gracie promised.
“Where are your shoes?” Emily asked.
“I lost them in the water when I fell in,” Gracie said.
“What are you going to tell Mom about that?” Emily asked.2
“I don’t know. Just that I lost them,” Gracie said shrugging her shoulders.
As planned, Gracie sneaked into the house and hurried straight to her room. She closed the door quietly and took off her wet, muddy clothes. She needed to take a shower to get the mud off her. Putting on her pink flowered robe, and grabbing her pajamas, Gracie ran to the bathroom, and hurried and took a shower.
She shampooed her hair and washed out her scrapes. Rinsing off, she turned the shower off, stepped onto the soft matt, and dried herself. Gracie raced back to her room after putting on her pajamas, robe, and sat on her bed when there came a knock on her door.
“Gracie,” Emily whispered through the closed door.
“Come on in,” Gracie said.
When Emily opened the door, Gracie had been crying. Her big blue eyes were wide in her pale face. “Are you ok?”
Gracie nodded, “I was so scared when I slid down into the water.”
Emily put her arms around her little sister, and began crying with her. Emily’s straight blonde hair was a little darker then Gracie’s, but they had the same color eyes. 3
is my grammer ok? What about run-on-sentences?
Comments
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Characters: You've done a very good job of providing characters that act like children and seem like children. They talk and act and think like children, which helps make them realistic. I do think, however, that you could add to their motivations, their personalities, and their details. I don't even know what these little girls look like! It seems like you can relate to children well as characters; add a little more of their details and individualities and they will seem a bit more real.
Setting: There isn't a whole lot of setting to see. I can't tell what part of the country (or even what country) these girls live in, but that honestly doesn't bother me one way or another. This tale seems universal enough that it doesn't matter if it took place in Ireland or Idaho.
I do think you could spend a little more time talking about the road, how broad it seems or how dangerous it is or how hot the pavement is, just to villify it a little. And maybe a little more about the canal, and what makes it so alluring that little Gracie braves the cars to get to it.
Plot: The plot is very cute, and very like a children's story. It seems the sort of thing children would do, which helped make it seem realistic. However, it kind of seems like nothing really happens by the end. Basically, ask yourself this: what is the purpose of this story? What do you want the telling of this story to impart to readers? Once you have that figured out, you'll be able to add the details that will turn this from a children's tale of no matter to one that makes people stop and think, easily. And rethink your last sentence. You always want to end a story with something strong, since the last line (and the first line) is what the reader usually remembers the most. In this case, you end with the girls having the same color eyes, which seems almost like an afterthought. Why is it that you want to leave the reader carrying that with them? Is there something better you could end with to have a better weight? Just something to think about.
Overall: This is quite cute, and wouldn't take much more to make it quite good as well. Besides thinking about motivation and the purpose of the story, you might also think about adding some details. Particularly, I think this story could benefit from some sensory detail - children often notice things like smells and odd textures even more than adults do, so including them will help make the story stronger. I hope all of this helps!
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Hm. It's a very interesting story. It is intended to be a children's story? If not, then it seems as though there isn't any real conflict in the story and therefore there is no climax or resolution.
The dialogue flows together well, though sometimes it was hard to tell who was speaking. Think it would help if - just for the online version of the story - you added an extra space between each paragraph.
I feel that we don't get to know the two girls very well at all. We don't even really know what they look or sound like. I think you should try going through and making sure that all five senses are referenced.
Overall, this is an interestingly curious story. Good work. -
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Yeah, it's a children's story. Ok, this really helps. I will go through it again and make some changes. Thank you so much.
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