The Things We're Not Doing

“I am NOT,” he said, sticking a knife through his lapel button-hole. What was slightly odd about this statement was that I had just walked into the room, and had not in fact said anything.1

“Actually, it would appear that you are.”2

He glanced at me and glanced at the button-hole. “Yes, but for the benefit of the tape recorders hidden in the ceiling, I am NOT sticking a knife into my suit-jacket.”3

I sat at my desk, logged in to my email. “You actually installed the tape recorders?”4

“Of course.” The knife went through his button-hole and barely avoided stabbing him in the chest. “What else was I supposed to do with an old loop tape deck like that?”5

And, when I listened closely, I could hear the whirring and clicking of the recorders as they wound through that ridiculous old film-looking tape. I made a mental note not to take my roommate garage-saling ever again.6

“Where are you going, anyway?” I said.7

“That’s the question, isn’t it? I was thinking England, but they’re a bit war-torn these days.”8

“Well, the Scots HAVE been oppressed by them for a thousand years or more.”9

“Oh, I know. I don’t blame the Scots. But Really? Westminster Abbey?”10

“I don’t know. I thought it was cool to see it blown up.”11

“Yeah, but not before I got to see it.”12

I gestured to the hole in the wall. “It’s existed for several hundred years now. There’s plenty of time.”13

“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”14

He had finally opened the buttonhole wide enough, and he stuck a black rose through it. (Yes, this being a red rose he had bought and spray-painted black.)15

“I think I’ll go get drunk with Nero while Rome burns around us.”16

“Sounds like fun,” I said. “I’d come with you, but, you know…” I gestured to my piles of homework.17

“Yeah,” he said. “I’ll give the royal family your best.”18

“Thanks,” I said.19

He stepped into the whole in the wall, and disappeared.20

“For the benefit of the tape recorders,” I said to the empty room. “My roommate did NOT just step through a hole in space and time.”