my eyebrows just dropped off or one womens fight against flatulence and her eyebrows dropping off

6 September Tuesday1

Breast clinic 1.492

A very precise appointment. i look at the other women and wonder which one of them will have breast cancer while i only have cysts.3

13september tuesday4

the cancer nurse is in the room with Mr Cheema and she asks if i have come with someone so i go get my husband, his hands are shaking.at one point tiny silent tears of mine drip down on dr cheemas paper as he writes down for me the four stages of treatment i must have for the cancer in my breast. i have to have chemotherapy to shrink the tumour then surgery then radiotherapy then estreogen for six years. so he thinks i will live six years i think hopefully. maybe its only be a bit he needs to take out. 70 out of 100 women are still alive after ten years he tells me. 5

went down town instead of going home.bought some trousers as i seem to be growing out of mine. had a pub lunch. didnt think my son would have remembered i had an appointment at the hospital but when i got home he had vacuumed downstairs and cut the grass. we all cried for a bit when frank and i told him i had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy.6

14th september7

frank cried on morning. he looks really cute when he cries but its very upsetting also to see him like this. he is very upset says he cant go to work so he phoned in and told them luckily they were very sympathetic and said he could have the whole week off8

15 september9

marty and jay sent a get well card on night aunty dot phoned as jule my sister had told her i was poorly. she told me not to get upset and told me about a woman she knows whos had a masectomy and threw out her falsie last night in the pub aas it was killing her and said she wasnt going to wear it anymore but she would use cotton wool. everyone has stories of people who are still alive after cancer.10

19 september11

had consultation with dr humphries. i asked if it was a big tumour and she said yes. got to have chemo to shrink it but she said that dr cheema thought he could take it out now if i insisted. got to also have a bone scan. we all hope it hasnt spread. 12

21 september 13

got a wig. ooh i look so gorgeous. my son said i looked younger. typical. its better than my own hair its too perfect.14

22 september thursday15

chemotherapy and coldcap day for me.16

lots of people in the place all wearing cold caps or having drips and treatments and all reading quietly noone talks perhaps they all need to escape into words away from reality.17

felt horrible on the night. head pain intense. felt sick. heart was beating rapidly couldnt sleep cos i felt so bad18

23 september friday19

sister came round but could hardly keep awake spent the day asleep. when i woke up felt so terrible couldnt wait to fall asleep again.when i told her we both had a little cry.20

26 september21

should have been on textile and surface decoration course at uni today. deferred it until next year hopefully.went to nicola my friends. she said if i start to think of horrible things i have to think of her babies big pink toy cat. it seems to be working.22

27 september saw psychiatrist DrBala today. he said he was very sorry to here my news and that i had to be brave. i am already on tablets for depression and for being bipolaraffective disorder or a manic depressive.felt sick and yukky all day. had taken some tablets for constipation caused by the chemotherapy and kept getting stomach pains.on afternoon went to pub and had pub lunch.the only time i dont feel sick seems to be when i am eating. did food shopping with frank but i felt horrid so didnt contribute much but managed to walk around. on night had nearly a whole bottle of sherry and guess what....felt normal. ate some sausauge rolls.tomorrow i start diet been eating far too much ...comfort eating and the condemned mans last meal eating like oh i havent had one of those cakes for years i am having one. i must have a pie. and all that. put on one and a half stone altogther. must lose it. dont want to be one titted baldy and scarred and fat altogether must be on control of something so i will have to diet its the only thing i can control. well maybe. just had ten sausage rolls. little ones i hasten to add. 23

cath my sister in law phoned and is coming round tomorrow to see the house with franks brother. we have been in it for two years he has seen it but cath is usually working.funny how cancer brings families together. my cousins wife phoned me the other day and i havent seen her for over a year.24

28 september25

been finding it hard to sleep since i found out... kept waking up and realising i had breast cancer again and again but this night was okay. its very scary stuff for me as i am very squeamish. i dont even like red jumpers.but there are much worse things that could be happening.26

my eyebrows just dropped off27

29 september28

went to see dr connolly the doctor who had first examined me and told me that all i had wrong with me was cysts but she couldnt have known it was cancer cos the skin hadnt thickened and i didnt have an inverted nipple when i saw her. she was so sympathetic she made me cry.she said she was really sorry for all the things i would have to go through. i said i had to think that things could be worse. she said that she agreed and at least it wasnt my son that was ill and i agreed.got some painkillers for my headache and some stuff for constipation.then i went shopping and bought four vesty type lacy things one cardy one tshirt another cardy and a blouse and a long sleeved t shirt and a pair of boots. then i felt a bit better.it cost me £84 teehee.29

30 september30

went shopping and spent 60 bought a cardigan 30 pounds a blouse 15 pounds and a jacket 15 pounds. aunty dot phoned me up and i told her the cure for feeling ick was sherry. she said as long as i wasnt drinking a bottle a day i am only allowed one glass a day. little does she know . teehee. anything not to feel sick. i feel great now. hi you out there my reading public.31

3rd october its the elventh day and i have felt sick for a few days but not today so its ten days of sickness on and off. wrote to woodworm i seem to harp on a lot about breast cancer or being fat. my fave two subjects cant stop eating and drinking my two fave hobbies in life...bring on the food. feel good enough to say bring on more chemotherapy and get this flippin tumour shrunk and out of me. it seems like one little bit of chem isnt doing that much. they measured it with an ikea tape measure thats how flippin advanced the health system is over here. im to woodworm:32

'filly fruplops 33

thanks for the quavers ~34

or are they pringles ~35

i have had some chemotherapy and i spent a week asleep36

when i did wake up all i did was feed. it was quite wonderful what a life..i am now a nice round fat pig....i had to buy some more jeans and black trousers......all my clothes are crap...send donations now...do a sponsored bungee jump for me....i need more food....its comfort eating but also i like being fat and bouncy its like having your own cushions...i have an especially nice cushion round my middly bits where your spare tyre is supposed to be mine is more like an inflatable swimming type blow up cushiony dinosaur thingy..'cept its not green but with my luck i suppose that can be arranged..37

theres a new drug come out that a woman has forced her local health authority to give her but its so expensive they cant afford it for everyone. i want it.its called hyceptim or something. i will be getting tamioexiphem or something like that spelling. sorry cant spell. xxx kisses to my reading public. yeah you there with the glasses. frank spensley. yeah i mean you. well noone else is gonna read this drivel right down to here are they.38

12 october39

herseptin is going to be available to everyone. a woman went to court and won the right to have it prescribed and then the government said everyone could have it if they were suitable.my hair has started falling out loads so the cold cap isnt all that good really. perhaps it slows down the rate at which you lose your hair.its flying out. good job i dont work in a kitchen the food would be awash with hairs. i still feel sick now and again and been feeling slight tingling in my hands.i go for chemo tomorrow. decided not to get my back checked out as it seems okay now and isnt hurting its a bit stiff but thats all it seems to have got better from resting. i have put on a stone and a half from scoffing loads of nice food. the condemned woman ae hearty meals. my breast lump seems to be shrinking to me anyway but they will measure it tomorrow with the ikea tape measure and then we will see. i must ask them about the bone scan i am supposed to have to see if its gone in my bones.thats all i need to have my bones removed. 40

13october41

forgot to ask about the bone scan. forgot to ask about getting a flu jab.42

remebered to ask about some different tablets for the sickness as the others didnt seem to work. wore the cold cap. apparently your hair can grow back different. darker or more colour and curly or straight. mines already curly i want it straight. that would be a dream and more colour sounds good too.43

feel sick44

felt the prickly sensation when the nurse put the chemicals in and felt it going in my arm and felt dizzy. maybe she was squeezing it intoo fast. plus the needle in my hand hurt too. not like last week when i barely felt the prickling go it going in my arm although my arm had felt sore to the touch.45

then went to the pub for a pub lunch.then took a cardy back and got another one. i like shopping and eating me. started feeling sick on the evening.yuk yuk yuk. not as bad as last time though and this time i took some headache tablets too. eeeh by gum i am getting really organised..ish. got to get frank to ring up tomorrow about the bone scan. he is my personal assistant after all. i used to call him my carer but i have promoted him.46

17oct monday47

today frank cut all my hair off. it was shoulder length and had started to go into dreadlocks-three of them sticking out of my head at various angles. i think it must be cos my hair is curly and as it falls out during the night and day it gets tangled up in the curls and snaggles and snarls up and becomes one massive cotter. i have kept the three cotters for proof if anyone wants to see them and because i know my sister might wonder why i couldnt just have combed them out.48

tried on my wig and wore it for half an hour. its very hot. also wore scarf. kylie minogue had hers on today so i picked up a few styling tips from her. got to think that in the big order of things whats happening to me is small and unimportant and that i just have to hope they get all of the cancer out of me. i am sick of feeling sick though. i am eating loads as its the only thing that stops me feeling sick.49

20 October 50

i look like a teddy thats been played with too much ...my husband has promised not to put me in the bin. my son calls my bald thinning hair teddy hair and frank says i look like a skinned rabbit. i cant seem to manage to get upset about hair. its only hair. been wearing a scarf to go out in.went to the cinema to see walace and gromit in revenge of the were rabbit then to saltburn for fish and chips. today went to town and spent £150 on clothes i think or thereabouts havent dared wear the wig yet, somehow that seems more comical.51

to be continued as a diary of events....52

november 3 53

bought some jewellry from fashion shops got enough clothes.had chem today. my arm hurt because I WAS RIGHT THAT NURSE STUFFED IT IN MY VEINS TOO FASt not that they admitted it they just said that it would be better diluted and wouldnt hurt my arm and give it fleabitus or however you spell it.todays nursey was nice and diluted it more. 54

the doctor said she had overlooked me getting a bone scan and an ultra sound for my liver. she would get me one now.al least she admitted it.i asked if i should get a flu jab and she said yes. they dont tell you much do they.55

decided to go on a diet. the stupid tumour hasnt shrunk much at all so they are going to put me lon different drugs or bring the surgery forward. i wish they'd bring surgery forward then it would be over especially with christmas coming up and jan and feb is so depressing i dont want my op then. i dont want it at all. i want a delay of twenty years at least.i am thinking of tying it off with string and hoping stopping the blood flow will cause it to drop of naturally of its own accord.56

its going to be hard going on a diet when food is the only thing that stops me feeling sick but i can hardly get in these trousers now and i have just bought them (loads of swearing) . although i do like buying clothes enough is enough i cant get any fatter. i shall fight the flab and it might be good for my cancer especially if i stop the sherry.eeek wonder if i can. yeah i am not an alcoholic...am i...the mystery continues and finishing on that coat hangar ....next exciting installment next week or maybe tomorrow oooh isnt it exciting .......57

just been to the hospital today and guess what its good news the cancer hasnt spread to my liver or tummy. the bad news is that the chemotherapy isnt working as good as it should be...on the fucking tumour that is- its working great on kicking my hair out of my head...anyway the tumour should be a lot smaller and it isnt so they might be bringing the operation forward YES before christmas sounds great to me yippee.....i hate jan feb months too depressing i want it before christmas if he can get the massive bugger out. i wonder if i will survive.they are seeing me next tuesday. dont rush boys every second counts but never mind me dying slowly and quietly in the corner.they try their best but everything is so slow. its been two months of torment. i am sick to death of being ill.hehehe well not uite to death i am still hanging on. i want it all over. and chemotherapy makes you fart. they dont tell you that do they. it sort of constipates you and it gives me heart burn and a blocked up system and you feel lousy with it until you start going to the toilet. but a lot of wind is involved that noone likes to talk about i think anyway.maybe its just me but i am certainly not going to bring it up ...or down ...at the doctors.58

all this waiting around is driving me mad. kylie monogue was in and out in three days from finding the lump to having it out. my eye keeps watering its where i have lost my lashes.my eye keeps watering. still have a few eyelashes left though. moan groan moan groan moan. moan.59

so they had another look at me all five of them two doctors one trainee doctor one cancer nurse and hub and dr cheema decided that i should have ....cant write it...go in hosp...for you know what...on november 30.i looked at all five of them and thought how much they all were trying and wishing me well and how nice that was. the cancer nurse said it doent hurt s much as you think. everything was going great until she said you are losing a breast and that got me and made me cry.all the others except frank had gone by then.she hel my hand and put an arm around me. when i started saying things like i am lucky its not in my liver and that there were worse things she said good lass. i wonder if i am older than her or if she is older than me i dont know why. maybe i need a mother figure.60

jay and martin sent me a beautiful bouquet in a vase.then martin came round to make sure we had received it. how nice of them. 61

January.62

well its now january and a lot has happened all the worring made it easier to have the op cos i just wanted it to be over with and now it is. mt some wonderful women in there called jenny and carol and they helped cos they were brave we just sort of all got on with it. now i have to have chemo cos its gone into my lumph nodes.63

i am having a great time being lazy and eating and doing nothing and eating and then watching telly eating and then sleeping. hate the sickness the chemo gives me but it doesnt last long one of the worst things i got was a giant mouth ulcer that took over my mouth and that was hard to swallow with.64

9march 200665

wish i had more information.sometimes i think i have five years to live sometimes i think its ten years then i read some information that tells me tamoxifen gives you a 97 per cent chance of living to a ripe old age then i read about someone dying of breast cancer and i think living to june and my last holiday at great yarmouth will be a fitting end. all the stories usually are of people surviving breast cancer.66

tried my foam weighted spongeboob out67

who lives in a pineapple uunder the sea68

spongeboob square bra69

no its not that bad but really its pretty bad cant get bras to fit and i have to pin it in with safety pins and the othe boob keeps pulling the whole contraption to its side!!! 70

my friend mags is going to have to have all her teeth out and i have no hair and one boob. we thought we might have a girls night out and try and get fixed up!71

actually we all went out to an indian cuisine place which seemed rather posh til the waiter rubbed the plates with his shirt cuff before placing them in front of us. i tried really hard to eat with my wig on but it kept getting in my face and bits kept falling off the fork and going all over the table cloth and onto my knee.big yellow drops everywhere.eek urk noone else had such a mess. i blame the wig it curls up and forward and flicks things off the fork when you cant see for it going in your eyes where the fringe is. i love hiding in it. learned today that i might be entitled to another wig thank god for that the elastic is going in mine. just getting out of the back of the car whcih granted is a two seater on the indian night out i felt it move up the back of my head quarter of an inch whereas it used to stay clamped there blocking my circulation. god its hot under them things. i get terrible hot flushes especially playing monopoly near the radiator with the family especially when i am winning.yeah i love winning.72

woder if i will win this fight. i only take it seriously when i have had chemotherapy and seen the others and i had some today. only two more to go and then i have twenty days of radiotherapy done in batches of five wit weekends off. have to get a spcial parking ticket for twelve fifty otherwise its two pound ten pence a day to park so it will save me loads if i can get my greedy little hands on one. bet the bloke is out of the office or on holiday when i want one. yeah i know i sound negative but remeber i ama manic depressive as well as a breast cancer patient that makes me laugh anyway how pathetic can one get now i only have to be damaged by the radiology o my heart valves, my skin to turn like a brillo pad from the tamoxifen and then get liver damage from drinking to much and i will be spending every single penny i can squeeze out of the national health service. i must be costing them a fortune.73

i wasnt suitable for herceptin and thats a good thing cos thats for fast growing tumours. my tumour was only 5cm long i dont know why it felt so big and took up so much room ihad a massive bust you think i would have been able to have a lumpectomy or couldnt i just have had the lump taken out and then a bit of stuffing put in.i miss it. over and pout for another day74

10th March75

Frank and Roy say that I am very brave but I don’t think they realise its more like stupidity . I tend to blank it out and not realise how serious it is in case I scare myself! Did a quiz in the paper yesterday that said I have the brain of an eighty year old. So I am definitely stupid.well I did get all the questions wrong but I rushed and I was in a waiting room. Here hang on a mo aren’t the old supposed to be wise? This deserves a bit of rethinking methinks.76

Going to town with my sister today. Last week she was poorly and turned up on my doorstep crying and had to drag herself round the shops. I drag myself round the shops.77

I think I have little bits of curry attached to my hair at the front.. I must wash this wig but I am scared it will go too shiny and I will look like a doll.78

I have a chance to go on an art course to study textiles and surface design but I dnt know whether or not to go. Will my eighty year old brain be able to survive it. I would have to write a dissertation. And it takes six years part-time and costs thousands four hundred pounds a year plus your materials. But I feel like I am wasting my life. The nurses at the hospital do such good jobs they are there every morning and heres me still in bed at twelve usually. The chemo does make me tired though. My scar is horrendous really and should send the nurses screaming from the room if they were ordinary people. I need to be in a calendar or in a a magazine showing it off for it to become more acceptable or I could start running or bungee jumping for charity or I could write this book.Aha something that involves a chair. I can go with that.79

Had two poos when I came back from chemo and loads of wind. They don’t tell you about those side effects when you start chemo. Do they. Went shopping with Julie one Friday and had loads of wind in the queue but I pretended it wasn’t me. Sure that Julie smelled it though cos she started coughing and moved away. Then I was talking to her in a changing room and I felt another one coming on and I had to practically run away cos if she smelled that one then sh’d know it was me the other time. I rushed off and pumped the full length of the shop. Luckily everyone had disappeared. Wonder why. When we went out for an Indian the other night Brenda had wind which she released out the back of her house one day because she had guests and she knew that if she released the wind in the toilet it would echo around the house. unfortunately there was a workman out there painting next doors wood. she later had him round to paint her wood.80

20 april
had last chemotherapy. heard a woman say hers had returned after five years into her liver and spine and she was starting chemotherapy again. oh no. its horrible. the last one i had i felt like my legs were made of lead and i felt so tired and that was after feeling sick and constipated plus i got six mouth ulcers. frank and roy say i am very brave. frank says he cant fault me which makes me laugh. well you cant sit around worrying and moping and crying. cos you feel too ill!!!! i shall pester the life out of people later.....heeheh hahaha.81

24 june
finished my 20 days of radiotherapy on the 22nd yippee all my treatment is over and now i only have to keep taking the tablets for 5 years and then i will be cured. the thing that worries me is that they dont give you the full five years supply but at least they want to see me in three months time so at least i am going to last that long.
yesterday i bent over in my t shirt and it fell open from the neck and frank pointed it out to me and i said eeh look at m showing all i havent got which amused me no end but didnt seem to amuse frank.
someone said to frank why didnt i have a reconstruction of my breast. but i dont fancy a huge nippleless lump just hanging there plus i will have scars over the rest of my body from where they take the stuff for your reconstruction. and sometimes it doesnt work. plus its another operation plus i sometimes wish i didnt have the other breast so that i would be more ven. mind you the man that sewed me up definitely needs sewing lessons i a sure he could have been a bit neater or maybe they have to rush. but when you see models with bust enlargemens how come theres are so neat. no nhs worker did those.
it was handy the other day as i was slouched on the sofa i managed to get the wine glass to my lips without sitting up but i couldnt do it on the other side cos there was a breast there.i suppose i could start strapping it down!
no more treatment for me. we went out to celebrate though i thought there should be more treatment. maybe a machine i could take home with me that i plugged myself into everynight and that sent a little galloping hero type cancer search kill and destroy thingy.i live in hop.82

a little message i sent lute today:
they have nearly killed me tryig to make me better.i am like a mutation now with no hair lop sided one large burn mark on one side of my body an arm that swells up and legs and ankles and feet that swell up but at least my eyebrows hair and eyelashes are growing bakc. plus i have spots and also i have put on three stone. i could be the baddy in a james bond film and create revulsion wherever i appear. all i need is a pet to stroke. luckily i kept my old hair i could turn that into some sort of cat. its a bit disgusting all matted together but in for a penny in for a pound. did i mention my nails are also yellow and dropping off. even i am beginning to make myself feel sick now.my right elbow seems to have survived the ordeal wholly intact and in full health.phew thank heaven for small mercies.
apart from that i am fine so thanks for asking though i did have to go and see my psychiatrist yesterday but he just told me to keep taking the tablets.heehee
lotws of love and sloppy kisses and cuddles to luteybaby from plinkettyplopblob83

i think that just about encapsulates everything. the spots are healing like scars i forgot to moan i mean mention.frank khas a new motto he keeps saying at least you're still alive. he used to say at least you still have legs but hes progressed to a better one. just think this time next year i could be dead is what i would like to be my motto as in just think this time next year we could be millionaires but i would hate to upset anyone!!!people go funny when you talk abot death. i did the old joke with the receptionist the other day. you know the old one where you say the doctor wants to see me in three months so he must still expect me to be alive then. and she went into shock and went all mumbley. the funny thing was that after that when i went in for appointments she used to beam a great big smile at me when telling me to take a seat.people are so cute.
i have a small abrasion on the back of my hand which i forgot to tell lute about.if it goes pink and i develop flu symptoms i have to be rushed to the accident and emergency department of the nearest hospital. i can be seriously ill apparently it can be a nasty infectionit could also be very embarrassing showing anyone that tiny abrasion and then sneezing a bit. i have a antesceptic plaster on it to keep it clean and its like a world recored for sticking on. it hurts. no it doesnt i just put that in for dramatic appeal.teehee......
see you again soo same time same place. here and i dont know .....oh yes and i forgot to mention my eye keeps watering cos of the lack of eyelashes. damn i must get my symtoms right. julie said my lips went blue one day when i said i couldnt breathe after a particularly nasty bout of chemo.wish shed taken a photograph i could have lived of the sympathy for that for a month.84