It was 7 months, two weeks and 1 day since the doctor told us she had cancer. Lung cancer, to be exact. For months she had trouble breathing and was continually having coughing fits; we told her to have a checkup constantly, but she stubbornly refused. It was only when she began to cough up blood that she finally went.1
I remember waiting outside the doctor’s office. It was 5:00, and the clinic was about to close. We were the last ones there. Finally, the doctor called us in. The walls of his office were covered in whitewash; it came off when I brushed my shoulder against it. He had a desk in the corner of the room. On it was a vase, with one, single red rose. It was wilted, and as we walked in, one of the petals fell to the desk; I remember thinking that it looked like a tear falling. He motioned for us to sit on three chairs. I don’t really remember what he said next. It was meaningless to me, except for two words: Lung cancer. My father asked if it was terminal or not. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. The doctor said that it was. He said that it was inevitable.2
Over time, she became weaker. She lost huge amounts of weight; she looked like a skeleton. She had to go to the hospital almost every day. Eventually, she didn’t come back. We came in to visit her every day after my father came back from work. My younger brother and I made things for her. One weekend, we spent the entire Saturday at home, making her a book. I wrote the story, and he drew the pictures. Once we were done, our father stapled it together for us. I couldn’t wait for her to see it. But when I saw her next, she was asleep. We waited for two hours, but she didn’t wake up. I left it on her bedside table so she could read it when she did. But when I asked her about it next time we visited, she didn’t know what I was talking about. It turned out that, by accident, the nurse had thrown it out. 3
At about 2 o'clock today, the hospital called my father. They said that she didn’t have long left, to come quickly. He came to pick us up from school, and drove us to the hospital.4
My father went in first. I couldn’t hear anything, but when he came out, his eyes were red. That’s when the nurse said that we could go in, but she said we weren’t to cry. It would upset her, she said.5
The first thing I noticed was the beeping of the machine connected to her, the one measuring her heart beats. I was used to it by now, but today it seemed louder than usual. Then I saw her.
She looked so frail. Because of the chemotherapy all of her hair had fallen out, and at first I thought she wasn’t breathing. Then she suddenly took a deep, ragged breath. I inched towards her, and held her hand. 6
I told her about school. About my friends. About how I never got that seat I wanted on the school bus. Anything I could to avoid it. Then her eyes opened, and I saw they were full of tears. It was barely a whisper. But I heard it.7
“I…love….you.”8
That’s when her hand fell limp.9
That’s when I told her I loved her, too.
A contest entry
- The Story Your Most Proud Of ( 14 years old and under) by tsh369.
175 points, ended August 29, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by amanda vampiress.
350 points, ends December 5, 173 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - I Want Your Gold!!!! by mackereth.
100 points, ended September 13, 41 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Give Me Your Best Short Stories by lesbian-in-love.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Did it make you cry, or at least get sad? What did you think?
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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Holy crap
Yup, im teary, that was an execellent job you did. I wish i could write like that. But i will.
Either way no story doesnt have its flaw and if you want a real comment, well above was truthful but this is criticial in some sense
1:The Beggining was a little,i would say all over the place. And why would a doctor be relluctant to get a checkup, or was that a child, thats were i was confused..
The Grammar, wording of it was fantastic though i cannot do better as you can cleary see but what i am writing right now.
Just a great job man or girl, SORRY!
4.5/5.
Now i shall go into my emo corner and cry..holy BEEP..=Dbeginning: 1, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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That was really sad I was about to cry. It was really good. You wrote it really well you could understand the pain they were going through good job.
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Very good :)
As I was reading, you got lucky, I had a saddening song in the background, and the story ended as soon as the music did, it felt epic. This is a good story, and you're probably ahead of your time, but imagine if you keep practicing. I'm going to go ahead and link you the song, to amplify the power of your story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2lGNkfyrKA -
wow.
I remember seeing a movie about a guy with lung cancer who starts to teach at a school, and everyone loves him except one teacher. he makes everyone so happy, then the teacher who doesn't like him finds out he has lung cancer and starts to like him too. the guy with lung cancer has to be in the hospital, and can't coach the basketball team, so the other teacher does, and with 30 seconds left in the game he walks in the door on a cane and watches the basketball team win their first game.... he died a couple days later. everyone called him Mr. D and the teacher who hated him, but doesn't now says that Mr. D is with everyone all the time.
it was sad. i wanted to cry.
your story makes me want to cry.
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Yeah, I remember seeing an ad for that movie on TV, but it didn't mention lung cancer. I thought it was another of those terrible tasteless comedies, like Norbert or whatever it's called. I'll go rent it
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That was... Amazing.
My Grandfather died from exactly the same thing, from Lung Cancer. He did look like a skeleton but I don't think his hair fell out... I guess everyone is different.
Once again, I must say, was amazing. I almost cried
(That's sort of hard for someone to do to me, so well done) because I can feel the person's pain, I know what this person is talking about because I went through the same experience.
Once again, Amazing. Oh, please continue!
beginning: 4, language: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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I assume you went through this, in reality. You've described the cancer process as well as possible. I wrote a story about a similar situation, if you'd be kind enough as to read it.
My eyes were foggy with tears at the end of this; that's a remarkable thing to coax from a reader with less than five hundred words.
beginning: 3, language: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4.
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This was truly a moving piece, and I admit that I almost cried. Almost. I do wish to see more of your writing skilla and talents, and I will read more. I love the emotional depth and descriptive words, and it was short, which kept me reading. (I have a short attention span) The start to the end, I could not stop reading, for I was captivated by the sadness and depth of the story. And I just like to write this way to sound fancy, or what ever. Great Job, and I am going to read more of your stories soon. Well done.
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Wonderful job. It's filled with emotion and you did a great job making it come across through your writing.
Keep writing! -
this was....incredible! I am so lucky not to be diagnosed with lung cancer.......
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This was really good. Emotional but good! I liked it. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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This brought tears to my eyes - honestly. God, this piece was excellent. I really enjoyed it.
You have a good talent and I hope it does not go to waste.
Well done!
Cody
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Vraiment magnifique!
Wow! Tu es une bonne écrivainne!
J'adore cette histoire parce que c'est bien écrit, et il a une thème triste! J'ai pleurer quand je lire le bout!!!!!!
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I think almost everything has already been said! Great work- very honest and straightforward. A very well written piece.
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i felt like crying! very powerful and very well written!
great job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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How pretty...
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Oh my gosh that was so beautiful. Tears came in my eyes, and that's something special cause most times I don't even come close to crying. This story was absolutely beautiful. I loved it so much. I was hung on every word. Great work and keep on writing.
xoxo
~*Princess*~
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this is just extra applause.
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It was the beginning paragraph that set this story apart from any story I've ever read. It wasn't dramatic, it wasn't showy, it didn't make a heavy attempt at setting the scene. It just began the story, in a way that was real, and in a way that made you afraid.
As a reader, I have to say it's the subtle things that make a story beautiful, that make any story amazing. The story within the story, about the booklet that was thrown away.. that was heartbreaking. It made the story real, too. You've put a realness into this story that is incredibly impressive - impressive for anyone. That fact that you're fourteen well, one, makes me jealous, but that aside...
Your stories will have impact. I see this. Not a heavy impact.. a subtle impact, that works its ways past people's guard and catches them by surprise. I think that, perfecting the ability you have...
I think it's critical you continue working on your strength of being able to make people feel what you want them to feel in your writing... perfect it. The story is missing a few corners, a little extra solidness that makes it an undeniably perfect story.
Beyond that.. clapclapclap.
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This is so good. You totally deserved to win that trophy! I did cry actually. I could sense the emotions and the sadness. It was so beautifully described. I could almost place myself into the child's shoes, it was marvelous.
-- Schuyler
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This was an amazing story. And yes, it did make me cry.
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Thank you everyone!!
Thank you!!! Thank you for all the applause and comments, it's great!!!! Thanks guys!! -
i Don't know if this was a real story or not, but I know it was real when it happened to me. My grandmother, not even a year ago. I could sense the underlying emotion, and sadness. The details were amazing. So similar to my own story...
Great work and great read. Thumbs up!
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Wow powerful
I think I'm tearing up wow!beginning: 1, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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This was... amazing. It's so sweet and amazing... it made me cry. Your descriptions were fantastic, allowing me to put myself in the child's shoes and see how they felt, knowing their mother was going to die... God, I'm crying again. You have real talent.
~ Lí-Lí
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I loved this story because for the first time I cried because of a simple little story that someone wrote It was very discrptive and beautifuly written. I could almost feel myself in the story and I could feel all the emotions of characters really strongly and emotionaly. It was very sad and touching and all the details were beautifuly written great job and keep up the awesome terrific work.
-Jennifer
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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So descriptive and beautifully written. I love how you used the physical surroundings of the character and related them to their emotions (i.e., the petal falling of the rose looked like a teardrop). It was so touching, and it did stir a lot of emotions.
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Very sad
My mother died of cancer, so I could totally relate to this.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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WoW! I was doing real good until the nurse threw the book away, then I had to blink rapidly to continue reading. You captured the feelings and had my attention from the beginning. Great Job! and Good luck in my contest.
Th.
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that was a very deep and emotional story. i really dont think i needs any critique or correction. it didnt make me cry, and it didnt make me sad, but it was very touching.
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It's a very sad, emotional, and nicely writen story. I liked it though it opened my own wounds, it was like salt was added onto the raw meat. My mother is gone, but not from cancer - she was spared of that horror. Still, at the very end, she didn't hear me saying those little words...
You can rewrite it, make it deeper, and better - but I don't think that you should. You caught quite a few precious moments (like the rose thing), and it made the story rich. Good luck with the contest! -
Wow.... that is a beautiful story! You must have put so much time and emotion into it! My mom had breast cancer, so when I read this is really touched my heart. Good luck in the contest!
-Eclipse
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wow
that is really really well written. You chose a well used topic and put your own deeply emotional and sad spin on it. It wrenched my heart when i read it because my mom had breast cancer and i would have been about that age had she died from it but she is alive!!! thanks for the great write!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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this was very, very sad...and you've captured the personality and attitude of the child VERY well (brushing her shoulder on a wall, taking in all the surroundings, talking gibberish to her mother...) and trying not to believe that her mother is about to die...very well written as well...if there are any errors, i think everyone's gonna be a bit too sad to notice them...great job!
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A beautiful story
I know this all too well. (Not a parent, but a friend.) The fishing for conversational topics is extremely well described. It's almost like you were a fly on my shoulder during the time that I fished for conversational topics regularly with a dear friend many miles away. I thank you for describing the experience with realism, rather than sensationalism, as people writing about "it" so often do. (Forgive me, I cannot name the disease.)beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Very Moving!
I thought that the story was beautifully written, fresh and beautiful, and very touching...
I can't agree with jkingmaker's comments at all - I think it is perfect just as it is.
Well done! -
Good Start - Needs Work
I think this work is good but could be much better. It currently reads a lot like a factual recap of events. I believe you could bolster it by starting with a bang, something such as:
Lung cancer - the words devastated me...and then move forward. I also think you can slow down a little and dwell on the emotions involved as that is the power of this story.
I would love to see a second draft.beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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I am in tears right now. They are welded up in my eyes. This was just enough to make me moan.
I remember when i was Relay for Life (a walk for cancer), I cried myself to sleep. I was to sad, and nothing could stop me from crying.
This was beautiful, well writen, and so touching that i will send it to my friends, a copywrite in your name. Thank you for sharing this.
~Duality.
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Thank you.... I don't really know what to say.... thanks for sending it to your friends!
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Great Story, very touching. Thank you !
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T_T
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Thank you!
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very good. very deep and touching.
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Thanks!
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I have to admit it made me cry!!
The story is so beautiful and sad!!
I really do love it
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for the comment!
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