Destiny leaned against the mountain wall, letting the coolness sweep in and calm her. She tore a few pieces of cloth from her clothes, poured some fresh water on the gashes to her arm and leg, then firmly tied the scraps to stop the bleeding.1
She watched as the others did the same. They were lucky, she knew, that no-one had been seriously injured.2
“It’s like this,” Destiny said. “Either you trust me or you don’t. I’m headed that way.” She said pointing the staff in the direction she was looking towards. Without waiting for a response, she began trudging forward anxious to return to the group.3
In a moment of indecision, the boys watched as the strange girl moved on without them.4
Tim shoved his brother forward. Reluctantly Tyler complied, but not before muttering, “Who died and made her leader?”5
Destiny stopped in midstride. She pivoted in her steps, she then stomped, eyes glaring towards the brothers.6
Face to face with the young man, she clenched her fist around the staff and said through gritted teeth, “My father did, the day he died. This is not something I asked for.”7
She walked off again and in that moment not caring if they followed.8
Irritated at them both, Tim pushed past his brother, making sure to nudge his shoulder along the way.9
The hike back was quiet, at least the three where quiet, although the unfamiliar noises around them made them all very uncomfortable. Each one was listening, waiting, trying to be alert for any beast that might want to attack.10
And so it was they kept moving, one foot in front of the other, until Destiny saw the safety of the campfire flickering.11
Upon their approach a flurry of activity ensued. It seems the remaining travelers were waiting anxiously for the others return.12
Racing to her, T.J. was so excited he embraced Destiny with a hug that almost knocked her over.13
Embarrassed he pulled away, shrugging. She was quickly embraced again by Natty.14
Natty had been the final pick of her group. Destiny had thought of her almost immediately. For although she was only sixteen, she was smart and her fighting ability was beyond most of the adults. Although the life she had led had been hard it never brought her down. Above all else her personality was bubbly and her humor contagious. A good offset to Destiny’s sarcasm.15
Destiny’s attention turned as the brothers slapped each other on the back in greeting. A bit of satisfaction came over her, knowing she had helped in the reunion. But the feeling was fleeting as she remembered the task ahead of her.16
Looking at Mikael with exasperation she said, “I see you can’t control T.J. any better than I can.”17
Raising her hand to stop his protest she continued. “I wasn’t trying to be snippy. I just meant... I understand.”18
She had to force back a smile when Mikael looked a little confused at not being yelled at.19
“Now that we’re all here. We should bunk down and take advantage of resting for whatever is left of this night.” Destiny said addressing the rest of the group, who looked as weary as she felt.20
“We can decide tomorrow what we should do next.”21
“They’re going to join us," T.J. said confidently.22
“Sleep!” Destiny said firmly while pointing at his mat. “And no more sneaking off.”23
Grunting, T.J. sheepishly said. “No reason to, you’ll be right here for me to keep an eye on.”24
Destiny glared in return.25
“O.K. O.K.” He mumbled, walking off in defeat.26
“I’ll take first watch.” Offered Tom. “I’ve rested some and then maybe Natty could take over after me.”27
“Excuse me; I think you're forgetting who is in charge here,” interrupted Destiny.28
“Who would that be?” he challenged back, making an aggressive move towards her.29
In that instant the group froze, watching as to what might happen next, only T.J. had rose to his feet as if to rush Tom if needed.30
Destiny growled through gritted teeth, hands clenching around her staff again, feeling it warm to her emotions.31
“That would be me, the one who saved you and your brothers. You’re kidding yourself if you think I would trust you to take watch, you have given me no reason to trust you.”32
“And I should trust you?” He fired back.33
“You have no choice. I’m taking first watch and Natty second.”34
“But Destiny,” Donny began.35
“No arguments,” she dismissed his concern. “There are things I need to think about. I’m too worked up, there is no way I’ll sleep for awhile. I might as well keep first watch.”36
She watched as the camp began to quiet as each one settled down for the night. The brothers were the last to sleep. They had huddled for awhile by the fire talking. Tom seemed to be doing most of the talking as Tyler and Tim were eating what was left of some rehydrated food.37
She couldn’t hear what was being said but by their expressions she knew that it was important.38
Although she felt as though she should not yet trust the trio. Destiny grudgingly had to admit to herself that T.J. was right, they would be traveling with them.39
She felt the weight of it. This meant three more lives for her to protect. An added burden to a person who already felt unequipped to the tasks ahead.40
Her muscles ached and her body was wracked with fatigue but her mind was awake and racing.41
Remembering another conversation she had with the Angel, she needed to travel west to the four corners. Healing the pockets of humanity that was left along the way. She had been told.42
‘Obviously the newcomers had come from a community. A community that would also be in need of healing. Who knows what direction that would take them or how many days off course.’43
Destiny’s conscience would not allow her to ignore them… Now that she knew of their existence, she had to help them.44
Still unable to sleep after Natty relieved her, Destiny stared at the fire until the sky colored itself pink from sunrise. Since she was already awake, Destiny began the process of making breakfast.45
As the smell of rehydrated eggs began to fill the air the camp slowly came to life. Destiny knew decisions had to be made, so once everyone was settled and eating quietly she addressed Tom, “Obviously you’ve come from another safe hold. My question now is, why did you leave?”46
"I could ask you the same thing.” Retorted Tom.47
“Yes, you could but I think I have earned the right to ask you first.”48
Tom thought for a moment as the rest of the group held their breaths in tension, all thinking another fight was about to ensue.49
Thinking for a moment, Tom sighed then said, “Yes, my brothers and I came from a safe hold.We are headed west.’50
“We’re going west too.” T.J. chimed in excitedly.51
“Hush!” Destiny scolded. Yet she was intrigued for she could tell that this bit of information had tweaked Tom’s interest. Destiny wasn’t sure why but this irritated her….. ‘Although’ she thought everything about him seemed to irritate me.52
Tom had looked to his brothers for what seemed like approval before saying, “We are headed West on a mission. We have been sent across the land to bring what is left of the people Hope through our music. I can’t explain it.” He said shaking his head, “But He has given us a gift, one that changes our music so that if it is played it will spread hope to all those who hear... What else would the people of this new world need.” He finished confidently, holding Destiny’s gaze.53
“Healing!” T.J. jumped up clapping his hands in excitement. “Destiny has special stuff and a staff to spread healing to the land.”54
“That is enough!” Destiny commanded, lack of sleep making her sound a little harsher than she wanted to. 55
T.J.’s lower lip began to quiver as he excused himself. Destiny watched, heart aching as he left the fire and began packing his horse.56
She could feel Mikaels judging stare and shot back a wary look. She was in no mood to deal with him at that moment. Since her secret was out, Destiny decided to take it a step further. “It seems before we continue West we should visit your home. It will make things easier and safer for your people.”57
Destiny couldn’t help but notice a quick exchange of looks between the brothers.58
“We don’t have time.” stated Tom “We have a deadline.” With no explanation as to what he meant, Tom rose and walked over to where T.J. was standing.59
Fuming, Destiny glared at his back and watched as he approached T.J.60
Even though she knew backtracking would be a waste of precious time, ‘why would you not want to help your own people’ she thought confused. Then a wave of anger brushed over her at his arrogance of thinking he alone would make that decision. Exasperated, she wondered how she was going to get control of the situation. She didn’t like it when she wasn’t in control. 61
As Tom walked away he had planned on packing up that is until he saw the young boy standing the farthest away from the rest that he could while staring out into the unknown land.62
Giving the boy a friendly pat on the back he tried to comfort him, “You ok? you seem a little upset.”63
“I’m fine,” T.J. shrugged. 64
“You don’t seem to be ok.” Tom pushed. “That Destiny girl seemed a bit hard on you.”65
“She is just a little tired,” he said, defending her. “I need to learn when to shut up.”66
“You just a kid,” Said Tom watching for the first time heaviness set in the boy’s eyes.67
“No one is a child in this world.” T.J. whispered.68
“There should be." Tom said, once again placing his hand on T.J.’s shoulder. “Your parents should have at least tried.”69
“My parents are gone. All I have is Destiny.” The boy said forcing back tears.70
“Well, she should have done a better job at giving you a child hood.”71
Instantly T.J.’s demeanor changed as he brushed Tom’s hands away.72
“She has had the responsibility of an entire safe hold for the past few years. She has always tried to make it as fun for us kids as possible while still teaching us what we need to survive. You can’t be my friend if you keep putting her down.”73
Before Tom had a chance to respond he found himself flat on his back.74
Destiny watched intensely from a distance as Tom and T.J. talked. T.J. was her responsibility and she rarely let him out of her sight. A prickling went up her spine as she sensed something was wrong. Just as she rose to put a stop to the conversation, Destiny saw a shadow lurking. Its eyes gleaming a bright purple as it went into a crouched position,ready to pounce on either Tom or T.J. Her heart stopped when she realized they were both oblivious to the danger.75
Author notes
Any help with this chapter would be appreciated.. Does it flow well.. Is it active not passive..You know the drill. 
Thanks
In a list
Comments
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Hello Lori, sorry I’m running a bit late this week; but I ended up trying to out run Brooke
.
Not much to offer.
I do soooo enjoy Destiny’s tale and would like to keep up with her travels.
This chapter worked well, it had plenty of activity, and that blended well with the dialogue. The action was easy to ‘See’ and the reader is becoming comfortable in recognizing the characters
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Those 'Tees' can be a brain-twister at times--Tyler, Tom, TJ,
but by now most will have sorted them out
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Since the workload was a bit heavy this week, I wanted to be sure you got some proper editing from the other Group members
.
Geri


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Hey there. Sorry, I've missed several chapters but I can definitely see a big improvement with the passive writing, compared with the first chapter I reviewed. Yay for you!
Some minor errors (most probably pointed out already):
p5. "Tim shoved his brother forward, reluctantly Tyler complied..." - should be two sentences. Replace the comma with a full stop.
p6. sounds rather awkward and confusing. I think "in midtrack" should be "in midstep" or "in her tracks". Then a new sentence to say "She pivoted and stomped towards them..." and instead of "towards", use "at".
p7. Perhaps you mean "clenched" (in anger) instead of "clutched"? Also, I got the impression that Tyler asked his question of Tim and not of Destiny so I didn't get it at first when Destiny replied. I guess one way of making it clearer would be to have Tyler mutter to Tim "Who died and made her leader?"
p8. "She walked off" instead of "Walking off" makes it a complete sentence and an active one instead of a passive one.
p20. typo - "arrest" should just be "rest"
p22. typo - missing the end quotation mark.
p28. typo - "your" should be "you're". Finish the dialogue with a comma and de-capitalise "Interrupted".
I like the honesty of p40.
p44. spelling - "conscious" should be "conscience".
p47. missing the beginning quotation mark.
p56. "begun" should be "began".
p69. missing the end quotation mark.
With some of the dialogue, try using more contractions (I think that's what they're called). Especially when the characters are angry (also use short sentences when they're angry). It'll make the dialogue more natural sounding. Eg. "She's" instead of "She has" or "She is".
I like the set up of the story and the characters. Interesting dynamics there. Love the different gifts - healing, musical hope - you've put in. Sounds like you've got a great plot idea in the works too.
Keep it up!
language: 3, plot: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Hey artaq,
Your story is moving along nicely. Characters are gaining dimension and interactions are good. Dialogue comes across fairly well and seems natural. I see Abstract Muse has already noted most of the boo-boos so I won't repeat listing them. Looking forward to your next installment
Steve

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Interesting development with the brothers whose music is to bring hope to those who hear it. It seems as though they and Destiny were meant to travel together.
Yet why do they say they have a deadline to meet when Destiny doesn't, and why do they not want to go back to their community? Hmm.
And Tom's arrogance and deviance towards Destiny doesn't sound like the kind of personality for someone who is suppose to be bringing hope, does it? I wonder if they will be a help or a hindrance to the journey.
I'm curious to see what kind of creature is about to attack now.
Where's Tak?!
Interesting chapter with a surprise ending.
Greg
Small stuff:
p5. Sentence break after forward. (...forward. Reluctantly Tyler..)
p6. Destiny stopped in midtrack, pivoting in her steps, she then stomped, eyes glaring towards the brothers. - 'she then stomped' sounds awkward in the sentence, and isn't really needed since her other actions here show her mood. also midtrack - mid-track
p7. comma after teeth instead of period
p8. Walking off again and in that moment not caring if they followed. Awkward phrasing. Maybe - She walked off again, at that moment not caring if they followed.
p11. Until - until
p13. comma after her
p22. “They’re going to join us. T.J. said confidently. - '...join us," T.J. said...'
p35. Who's Donny?
p42. Remembering another conversation she had with the Angel, she needed to travel west to the four corners. Healing the pockets of humanity that was left along the way. She had been told. Awkward phrasing..
Maybe - She remembered another conversation with the angel. She'd been told to travel west to the four corners, healing the other pockets of humanity that were left along the way.
p43. ‘Obviously the newcomers had come from a community. A community that would also be in need of healing, who knows what direction that would take them or how many days off course.’ - not necessary to use the words a community two times in a row.
‘Obviously the newcomers had come from a community that would also be in need of healing. Who knows what direction that would take them or how many days off course.’
p47. quotation mark before I
p49. comma after tension
p50. comma after moment .. then - and .. only one period after hold
p52. ‘Although’ she thought everything about him seemed to irritate her. - 'Although,' she thought, 'everything about them seems to irritate me.'
p53. He finished confidently... Holding Destiny’s gaze. - He finished confidentally, holding Destiny's gaze.
p54. hand - hands
p59. “We don’t have time.” Stated Tom - "We don't have time," stated Tom. ...comma after meant
p61. comma after time .. one period after situation
p62. As Tom walked away he had planned on packing up that is until he saw the young boy standing the farthest away from the rest that he could while staring out into the unknown land.
Long carry-on sentence with no punctuation that makes no sense. Try re-phrasing using two sentences.
p63. Giving the boy a friendly pat on the back on the back he tried to comfort him, “You ok... you seem a little upset.” -
Delete second 'on the back' ..."You ok? You look a little upset."
p66. She’ is - either She is or She's
p67. “You just a kid.” Said Tom watching for the first time heaviness set in the boy’s eyes.
"You're just a kid," Said Tom, watching as a heaviness set in the boys eyes.
p69. “There should be. Tom said once again placing his hand on T.J.’s shoulder. “Your parents should have at least tried.” - "There should be." Tom said, once again...
p73. Its eyes gleaming a bright purple as it went into a crouched position, stalking ready to pounce on either Tom or T.J. - Delete stalking. It doesn't fit there and distracts from the power of the sentence.
Its eyes gleaming a bright purple as it went into a crouched position, ready to pounce on either Tom or T.J.





