I stared at the bright orange flames before me. I watched in horror as my house burnt to the ground, I had to choke back the tears for my little sister who buried her face in me, sobbing her poor little eyes out. Everything had seemed perfect in life, I had the best of friends, was super popular, the best boyfriend and the perfect house and now it was gone along with all my belongings and all my designer clothes. Where would we go now? Probably my grandmother's house, which smelled like old lady and cat. Not a good mix. I would become a total loser and my friends would probably end up ditching me for somebody else.1
"Elsie it's gonna be okay." I tried comforting my 8 year old sister the best I could but even I knew that it might not be okay. We'd have to start fresh and who knows how long it would be till we were out of Gramma's. Maybe if I was lucky, I'd have some of my clothes still and all my photos of me and my friends. 2
"Did anything get saved?" My mother asked the cheif fireman, her perfect makeup all over her cheeks and her hair a frizzy mess from panicking. 3
"I'm sorry ma'm but everything's gone. You had a very nasty kitchen fire." The fireman said with a solemn look on his face. Everything was gone, just like that. My memories, my clothes, my makeup, everything! 4
"Mom, where are we suppose to go?" I asked my mother still stroking Elsie's hair.5
"Probably your grandmother's house Lizzy. If only your father was still alive, then maybe things wouldn't be so bad." She said as she walked away. My life was changing, and I didn't like a bit of it. This also really make me yearn for my father, for he had died in war about 3 years ago, when I was 13. 6
"Lizzy, are we gonna be able to make it or will we have to live on the streets? Gramma's old and can't really pay her bills." Elsie said, tears sparkling in her eyes. I tried to smile.7
"Elsie don't worry about it. Gramma will be fine and we can help her pay her bills. It'll be a fun experiance." I lied to cover it up. What was I suppose to tell Elsie? The truth, that Gramma's cancer was getting worse, she was going broke and it would be hell living there? No, because a 10 year old wouldn't understand. If only dad were still with us. . .
A contest entry
- Make Me Cry... by therenaissancegirl.
750 points, ended August 28, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I like it nice and mysteris leaving me with questions.
The only thing I think you need is a little bit more detail, like how high was the fire.
Other than that you did a nice job. can't wait to read chapter 2!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Make Me Cry (Contest Comment)
I like the idea, but I think perhaps you made the main character a little too shallow. Things like "smelled like old lady and cat" and "My memories, my clothes, my makeup, everything!" detracted from the somberness of the piece, making it very hard for me to really get into the situation. Thank you for entering, though, and good luck.
Renaissance
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