It was a scene of ghoulish slaughter, for hundreds of square miles the once fertile valley has been stained with red. Countless dismembered corpses covered the battlefield while those who had surrendered where impaled upon large iron spikes embedded into the ground. Swords, shields, and banners were discarded as men fled in horror from a power they could not overcome. There had been no chance of winning, and no mercy was given.1
A tall dark figure stood at the edge of a cliff, over looking the valley, drinking in his victory. Long white hair flowed like smoke in the wind, his dark vibrant Ora pulsed like a heartbeat. He held his helmet under his arm, shaped like a demons head. His claymore was almost as large as he as it lay spread across his back. Made from a metal no man could ever find, forged with a power no man would ever weld. His velvet cloak was black as the darkest shadow and hid his thick stone-like skin. 2
He peered out across the valley, with a faint smile, his blood-lust quickened. The sight of such beauty had made him feel what he had longed for for countless eons. 3
"Lucian, what have you done?" Called out a voice inside his head. The voice was unmistakable, with it's deep calm tone. It sounded almost emotionless, as if the question held no consequence. He had come, it didn't take as long as he had thought.4
"Verion, I knew they would send you." Lucian said, turning around to reveal his glowing red eyes and pale bony face. Lucian faced his long time comrade, who had taken a humanoid form as well. Verion was dressed in simple white garment, his skin a light blue as if to mimic the sky. His eyes glowed with calmness and resolve, giving no hint to his emotions. Verion had chosen a more human-like appearance with comely human features and a bald head.5
"The Keepers have deemed your actions unforgivable, so I have come for your head."6
Comments
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A few things that need to be addressed:
- tense confusion in the 1st sentence; 'the once fertile valley had been stained with red'. In the same paragraph, it should be 'were impaled' rather than 'where'.
- para.2 I think it should be 'wield' rather than 'weld'.
- para.3 has a sentence that doesn't seem complete. I'm terrible with grammar but it sounds better written this way --> 'As he peered across the valley with a faint smile, his blood-lust quickened.'
Just a suggestion...
This is a powerful piece and you've brought out the tension well until the climax in the last sentence. Everything is very easy to understand and simply written but it's so exciting!
I hope there's one coming next.

