the first 2 chapters in my story

it is suposed to be a little confusing1

It’s dark outside. The only lights that are covering the streets are the moon and the streetlights. They make pools of lights fill the streets. There are huge towers that surround me in all direction the lights are off so the people inside them must be sleeping, but the question is how did i get here?"2

The streetlights will go out soon, making the only source of light the large crescent moon. The lights would turn off to save energy. Should I run and go inside before the lights turn off? No, I will not, I don’t even see why I should go inside; having fought millions of monsters and lived though it. It should be easy to survive the dark, it can’t harm me. Reassuring myself seemed the best thing to do. An unnerving feeling filled me and suddenly a voice appears.3

“Please go inside” I then noticed there where speakers at every corner of the street,4

“Evacuate the streets immediately you have 29 seconds before the lights go out” it went down the list in chronological order. 28, 27,26,25,24,23,22,21,20,19,18… I turned to the closest speaker and sternly said “no” for some odd reason. The list was about to hit zero5

“3, 2, 1 lights out” the speakers suddenly went silent. I watched one by one as the lights flickered and faded to black. 6

The moon went behind the clouds and I was surrounded by complete and utter darkness… suddenly my ears where filled with noises: scraping, scratching, and ear burning screeching. Falling to my knees; squeezing my eyes shut, I cup my hands over my ears, and it doesn’t dull the pain. The noises sounded like a million screaming banshees scraping their fingers on chalk boards. It makes me grind my teeth in pain, my eyes turned blood red. A liquid oozed from my ears filling the cups that are my hands. 7

Antagonizing pain fills my head.8

Something is scratching me. I heard my shirt rip, and I felt a warm tickling feeling roll down my back. It slowly grew cold and I realized it was blood. The pain did not fade, I wanted to run from the pain and fear and just hide, but being paralyzed by fear. Sorrow filled me, after all that I had been through; I knew that it would only end with my death. I would die from my arrogance of not going inside. I laughed. I sounded crazy, laughing when I’m about to die. With the creatures relentlessly ripping my back to shreds, becoming disoriented; the only thing I can feel now is pain.9

In an instance, I am thrown into darkness, a tranquil feeling of peace flowing though me. The pain is beginning to drift from me. A smile grew on my face. Flipping so my back was on the ground and I remove my hands from my ears, I relaxed. Knowing death was coming. This is my time and I’m ok with it. 10

Floating and flying.11

I felt like I was flying in nirvana, floating on the edge of Darkness.12

I heard a faint voice breaking my peace “Don’t die on me now! Clear!” the voice sounded rushed for some reason and the sound of sirens filled the air. It seemed like someone yelling far away, but I didn’t care, I knew I was dead. I grew peaceful again. A new voice was now present; a more calming voice began to surround me 13

“It is not your time yet. You have to do more for me.” the voice relaxed me14

“Who are you?” i asked in a questioning tone15

“Just an old friend.” i do not know what he meant by that i don't know him.16

I recognized the voice from somewhere; a faint memory perhaps. I slowly drifted away.17

All I remember is the pain.18

I wake up. I am in a soft bed; the cloth is not unlike silk. It is warm, turning over and I have pain a dull in my back. My hair is sticky and clumped with the dried blood. Was it a dream? I don’t think so because the pain was so real. Slowly opening my eyes, I see white: the bed, the sheets, walls, roof, floor, table, and water. The only thing not white that catches my eye is a pill on the table. I get up and go over to it, I try to reach over and grab it but then realization hit me. My arms are bound, crossed in a white jacket. I scream so loud you could hear me in another galaxy. Where am I! I look at the cup and under it is a note that says “Take the pill. It will help, just trust me. Sincerely, Doc.” I do not know how I can trust him without ever meeting this man named doc. What’s the worst that can happen? I bend over and pick up the pill with my mouth; I use the water to wash it down. It was a little warm; it’s probably sat there awhile.19

I grew faint and drifted off.20

The world span around me, beasts with huge ragged teeth that are made for chomping. come at me slowly I jumped away from them. They had wings with gigantic wingspans. A huge eye stared me down I was frightened. I don’t think my brother would be here but I look around any way. The monsters had two blue horns and an almost completely transparent body you could even see their hearts and arteries. The monsters could easily crush me with a foot. They had long arms and razor claws with sharp pointed edges.
Around me there was no grass, just moist dirt that sticks between my toes. Behind me there were some trees. I sprinted towards the trees away from them when I got into the trees I tuned left onto a dirt trail about fifty yards ahead was a cliff. The only thing I could do was jump. I glanced back at the monsters, I smirked and leaped not knowing how far down it is. The wind blew past my face my hair flapping above me. Every thing was a blur of green and blue whizzing by me. I wished I did not jump ill die when I hit the ground I pointed myself like a pencil. When I hit the ground it gives out sending pain up my legs.
I sink realizing its water. I am deep. I swim up not knowing how far down I am I loose all my breath, burning my lungs. My head broke the surface of the water. I barely got any more breath before something cold and slimy wrapped around my right leg pulling me under. I trashed at it kicking. The murky brown water surrounded me. I quickly Fumbled for my knife on my belt finally I grabbed it. I stabbed the tentacle the knife went all the way though to my leg I screamed witch wasn’t a good idea under water. I swallowed water and the tentacle unwrapped from my leg when I got to the surface I vomited I felt pain in my stomach and my lungs burned.
Tired, I headed to shore when I crawled up the sand I look at my leg and I see needles penetrating my leg it must have been from the monster. As I pull one out and inspect it. It was tipped with something and I grew more tired and take a nap on the soft white sand.
i awake kicking into the air knocking the sheets off of me I opened my eyes and saw white and screamed. Then as I remember the white room, doc, the pill, and the note, I ask myself how did I get here? I panicked from not knowing or remembering, running into padded walls. Suddenly I heard voices and I coward into a corner and squeezed my eyes shut, I heard the squeak of the door “hello I’m pleased to meet you.”21

“Who are you?” I asked stuttering the whole time. I opened my eyes and I saw a man in his early twenties smiling he had square glasses and short black hair.22

“Well I am doc, the question is who are you?” i watched as the man slicked is hair back23

“I – I don’t know who I am I can’t remember any thing except pain.” 24

“Pain?” why did he sound interested?25

“Yes i only remember pain.”this time i made myself sound sure. I kept trying to remember more but all i got was blank.26

“That’s interesting” he goes over and looks at the note that i found on the table then wrinkles it up."you appear to be a human, and a male i shall preform tests to be certain."27

looking around i see that i have never been here before “Where am I?”28

“Somewhere that will hopefully help you get your memories back. You don’t even remember you name?”29

“No sir.”30

“Please call me doc”31

“Ok doc” he smiles and I notice that his teeth are crooked, and then he pulls out a note pad and scribbles something down. I imagine him just drawing pictures instead of writing notes like he is supposed to do.32

“Doc?” i ask.33

“Yes?” he looks at me though his glasses.34

“What are you doing?” 35

“Taking notes.” he says in a calm voice.36

“May I see your note pad?” I shift the position I am sitting in37

“No.” he must be hiding something.38

“Why not?”39

“It’s confidential.” Confidential my !40

“How is my own information about me confidential?” he lookes really nervous now.41

“It just is” busted… I smile to myself. 42

“You’re drawing in it aren’t you?” 43

He looks around suspiciously, sweat beads up on his forehead, he pulls a cloth out of his pocket and dabs it off. Then he wiggles in his chair 44

“NO!!!” my ears ring from the sound. 45

“I know you are.” i said in my most confident voice.46

“How do you know?”47

“I don’t know.” he gives me an evil grin48

“Well you are smart” he seems mad and storms off I lay down smiling. It is fun to frustrate people. I gave myself a pat on the back for that one. Well I would if I could. I hate my jacket. I get up and jump up and down on my bed in boredom. I see the door open and a slightly older man slips inside into the room. 49

“Hi” i say not, letting him see my confusion.50

“Hello”51

“Please don’t integrate the therapists he was a good one and you made him quit” suddenly guilt flooded though me and tears weld up in my eyes.52

“Please tell him to come back I liked him” I lie right though my teeth.53

“Ok but it won’t do any good” 54

I heard the man run out of the room and the door did not sound like it shut so I turn and it is still open I run out into the hall way and sprint almost to safety a nurse sees me and drags me into my room and locks me in, mad that I did not get free I slam myself into the wall. 55

I need to get out somehow, I wont get my memories back if I keep talking to that lousy therapist he has no clue what he does. That guy even said he’s a good one I wonder what would happen if someone got a bad one. It would suck. I practice my kicks against the wall imagining its doc. suddenly tiredness fills my body and I go to bed. 56

The next day doc visits me again and I am forced to talk to him.57

“Hello again, do you remember anything yet?”58

“Nope.”59

“I heard about the incident where you tried to escape.” I couldn’t help but let a grin slip by60

“This is getting nowhere”
he pulls out a paper with ink blobs61

“What do you see?” nothing it’s an ugly blob you retard like how a one and a half year old draws. I get frustrated 62

“A cloud.” I lie so he doesn’t annoy me more.63

“Good.” How is that good I just said cloud wow I never want to be a therapist 64

“Can I Go?”65

“No you don’t have any where to go.” I wanted to knock him out and go now but I decide not to because I can not open the door with my hands tied up like this.66

I practice my kick at the walls by pretending its doc. I hear a knock “lunch time” I thought they would bring it in but instead I go in a cafeteria. It is crowded I sit next o someone that looks at least a little sane.67

He is not.68

His name is wacky jack he talks fast 69

“Hi I am wacky jack I live in the room next to you, you might hear me scream,cry,sing,something. People say I am crazy but, I am wacky! I love you lets make out! People say I am gay but I don’t know what that means, can you tell me. Oh well doesn’t matter you can leave if you want, but I kind of like you more than I should. Yay! Like totally we should sit by each other every day! Am I rambling? I do that. Hi I am hungry to bad are arms are bound we don’t even eat we just socialize at lunch and eat at night oh my god I love your jacket even though it’s the same as mine! It just means we have good taste! I think I am in love with you. You are my sole mate!” I want to kill this gay dude. I don’t really hate every gay dude I see. I only hate them when they ask or try to kiss me, hit on me which he has pretty much done all in only a few sentences.70

I hate him. I slide out of my seat and go. “Bye I will see you tomorrow jack!” I force the nurse to take me back into my room I still hate the room but not as much as jack.71

I lay down. “Psst you awake, it’s me jack I made a tiny hole so we can talk!”God kill me now. I am escaping tomorrow.72

“No I am asleep.”73

“Oh Ok well I love you.” I hate him. I wish I sat next to someone else. 74

I close my eyes going over the plan I made and the route I made on the way to lunch from the exit signs. And slowly I drift asleep. That night I don’t have any dreams except for jack’s faint voice, in the morning I wake up and find that he was talking to me all night.75

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Sar567
    September 9
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    good almost GREAT

    Interesting I LIKE IT!


  • DewDrop
    August 31

    Edit | Reply
    that was very interesting. I enjoyed reading it. There were quite a few spots where you need to work on your grammar and punctuation. but o ther than that it was wonderful, very out of the ordinary.

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.


  • ELFgirl12
    August 24

    Edit | Reply

    What?

    Your story has a few well-written parts, but most of it needs some work, especially the beginning and the transition from the dreams to the white room. Though the content itself is good, you will need to edit your punctuation, spelling, and grammar if you want a chance at winning this contest. Also, it is very confusing sometimes, and much of the dialogue is very awkward. You need to find a way to explain what's happening better. You can do this by incorporating it in the dialogue, or have a narrator explaining. Also, I has no idea what the gender of the main character was, or what genre this is supposed to be. In the rules, I explained that you would need to add what genre your story is to the AN, so I will know. Also, you say "exposed" twice. the correct word to say in those sentences is "supposed". If you do not make changes to make the story more clear, and add the genre to the AN, I will have to DQ it. Sorry.

    -Ellie (Rae)

    beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


    • zac a ninja
      August 24
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      if there is things i missed ( i know i did) please tell me describe what parts are confusing, the other parts of my story i entered in your contest might help some, i would like to know how it can be improved, i am sorry but please explain to mo how its awkward dialog i want to fix that

      • ELFgirl12
        August 24
        Edit | Reply
        Since you are in a contest, I can't give you very much specific ways to change the story, but these few things might help:

        1)Read through the story a few times and check for spelling, puctuation, and grammar.
        2) As I said before, change the words "exposed" to "supposed".
        3)Make sure we know, at all times, who is talking. Don't make a knew dialogue paragraph unless it's a new character speaking.
        4) Don't run on. Many of your sentences are way too long, and must be separated. Especially the one with the fast-talking person. Even though they are supposed to be talking very quickly, you can still make it seem this way while creating sentences.

        I hope these points help you, and you take my advice.

        -Ellie (Rae)

        • zac a ninja
          August 25
          Edit | Reply

          thank you, that helped me

          i did what you pointed out i saw a lot of mistakes, i don't know what AN is but i think i did it by adding categories


  • Celestial Rose
    August 21

    Edit | Reply
    I'm confused. What's happening? Who's talking, where is this set? I don't understand. Sorry.

    • zac a ninja
      August 21
      Edit | Reply

      dont read so fast not to be mean but it seems like it lol

      your not meant to read fast,
      you know what the character knows,
      if you payed attention he has no memory and arms bound in a white room= mental hospital!
      the guy who talks, you find out later, so i really need to post the rest that i have but not yet.
      at first he is in some kind of city. all you have to do is read, later you find out his names Seth when he remembers,
      i have like 15 pages typed and that's only like 3 i only put the first 3 pages not 2 chapters


  • AthenazeBeauty
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, well.... This wasn't epic fantasy at all.... And I don't want to seem rude, but I'm going to have to remove this entry from the contest. The contest was for Epic Fantasy, and this was not. It was quite confusing. I wasn't sure if the main character was a boy or a girl. The fact that you kind of jumped around a lot in the book made it very hard to read, and it was kind of boring. Sorry.

  • Angel07
    August 20
    Edit | Reply
    realy good.can't wait to read more.keep it up.

1 - 11 of 11