As I looked in to his deep chocolate brown eyes, with him looking back in to my hazel eyes. We discovered our true feelings for each other. The feelings were undeniable, He loved me as I loved him. There we stand In the middle of our office. As he just realized I have loved him ever since we met, ever since I looked at his charming smile. He pushed back a lock of my dark brown hair out of my face. His warm sweet breath on my face. Then he said "I love you." "Are you two just going to stare into each other"s eyes all day or start working on the case?". Our boss said as he walked in. The moment was over. "On it boss." he said walking to his desk. I watched longingly as he walked away to his desk."Do we have anything on our dead Lt. commander ?" Gibbs asked. "All we know so far is that the commander had a girlfriend named Sarah Jackson." Tony said as McGee put her picture on the plasma. "she lives in Richmond,Virgina. "DiNozzo, Ziva go get her." Gibbs demanded as he goes to director Shepard in MTAC. I waited till we were out of the front gate.1
"Tony."
"Yeah Ziva."
"I love to Tony."
"I know."2
He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, With out protest I kissed him back.3
(late that night at ziva's place)4
"That was great Tony."
"Yea it was Ziva."
Ziva turns on her back and falls into a deep sleep.5
( The next morning)6
Tony's phone rang7
"hello"
"you are late."
"sorry boss. I'll be there in five."
"call Ziva to."
"ok"8
Tony hang up the phone.9
"Ziva get up. We have to go to work."
"uhhh." Ziva groaned.10
Ziva got up slowly. She had gotten clothes for today.11
"Good thing you came prepared."
"I always think a head Tony."12
(at NCIS)13
"hello"
"hey McGee." Tony greeted McGee
"shalom" comes from Ziva.
"It gets so boring around here with no case."
"I know what you mean Ziva."Tony said14
Author notes
(shalom means hello in hebrew.) this story will skip around the days
- those who like NCIS group list • next in list
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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p1-"As I looked(into)his deep chocolate brown eyes..." This first sentence isn't complete. You don't need that period after "eyes" just make it a comma.
"The feelings were undeniable, (h)e loved..."
Then he said "I love you." "Are you two just going to stare into each other(')s eyes all day or start working on the case?". It would be a little less confusing if you separated different pieces of dialog into different paragraphs.
"...on the (case?" our) boss said(,) as he walked in."
"On it boss(,)" he said...
...Sarah Jackson(,)" Tony said(,) as McGee..."
"(S)he lives in Richmond,(Virginia)(,)"
"DiNozzo, Ziva go get her." Gibbs demanded(,) as he (went) to director Shepard in MTAC. What is MTAC?
p2-"Yeah(,) Ziva."
"I love (you too)(,) Tony."
p3-"(w)ithout protest(,) I kissed him back." How was she kissing him back if he was kissing her on the cheek?
p5-"That was great(,) Tony."
"Yea(,)it was(,)Ziva."
Ziva (turned) on her back and (fell) into a deep sleep.
If that's all you're going to describe about what they did that night, just leave it out because there are no details whatsoever.It just seems like you included that but didn't know how to describe what happened so you briefly put a couple of sentences in and quickly moved on.
p8-"(H)ello"
"(Y)ou are late."
"(S)orry boss. I'll be there in five."
"(C)all Ziva (too)."
"(o)k(.)"8
How will he possibly make it to work in five minutes if he's still in bed?
p9-"Tony (hung) up the phone."
p10-"Ziva(,) get up. We have to go to work."
"uhhh(,)" Ziva groaned.
p11-"She had gotten clothes for today." But earlier you said they were at Ziva's place. Shouldn't Tony be the one who has clothes?
p12-"I always think (ahead)(,) Tony."
p14-"(H)ello(.)"
"(H)ey(,) McGee(,)" Tony greeted McGee
"(S)halom(,)" comes from Ziva.
"It gets so boring around here with no case."
"I know what you mean(,) Ziva."Tony said(.)
Why did you end it like this. It's not even a cliffhanger, you just stopped.
You need a lot of help with your dialog. There are plenty of sites where you can find help. Or just look in your favorite books. Reading can help a lot with grammar -
In the first paragraph there was a lot of abrupt periods; it made it feel very choppy and quick paced, but since it was about a suddenly discovered love and passion I feel it shouldn't be choppy, but maybe more long and flowing (my interpretation, feel free to disagree). We dicovered each other across that vast and open office... if you did want to add more pauses though, you really should have added those commas to deep chocolate brown eyes, could have made that either fast or slow (depending on how everything else went).
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I think that to describe someone's eyes as "Chocolate brown" is a little bit stereotypical (top of line 1). Maybe pick a different word that's not overused. Maybe soft, light, dark would be better.
Also to improve it I would enter new lines when you have people talking. You do it at the end of the work, but not at the beginning. It just makes it clearer who's saying what in general.
I think its a cute story, and keep writing. You seem to write about what you like, and that's the best way to get into your subject. -
A little fast, I didn't quite get it all, but I got the main point that they ware in love! That's sweet. Good job with this and good luck in the contest!
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Well I do love NCIS! This was good. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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