The Joe Smozy Lebodkin Dubrodnyk Story

1

'It was Dubrodnyk who done it!'2

'It was Dubrodnyk there who sold us the crack',3

the kid told the policeman, and so the policeman4

took Lebodkin Dubrodnyk to jail. 5

Now he was before the judge with only6

his friend Joe smozy there to stick up for him.7

'Mr Dubrodnyk', said the judge. 'Being8

as you have stated you can not afford legal9

council and you refuse a court appointed attorney,10

you have decided to represent yourself, is that11

right?'12

'Yes your honor', said Lebodkin.13

'Very well then, tell the court exactly what14

transpired on the day in question. Take your time15

and use your own words.'16

'Your honor, on the day in question, I had17

gone down town to play my music with my guitar,18

harmonica holder and harmonicas, when I noticed19

there were three young cockcrazens sitting on the20

corner where I normally play; two young fellows21

and a girl. I went halfway down the block and22

begin playing my music when one of the two 23

guys dude shuffled down and began talking to me.24

Somebody really did not like this guy your honor25

because he had about 15 holes all over his face26

from live cigaetter burns. He looked horrible.27

he would have looked much better wearing a28

Frankenstein mask and people would have probably29

felt more like helping him. Anyway, he said he wanted30

me to go away because him and his pal were trying31

to get their girlfriend something to eat and needed32

some money. I told him, 'Look man, You have no33

authority to tell me anything and what I do is really34

none of your goddamned business', where-upon35

he and his pal tryed to provoke an altercation36

with me for the next three hours. Finally, they went37

back to sitting on the corner they thought they owned 38

when a nice lady gave them a pizza pie. I noticed39

that the two guys gave her one small piece and40

quickly scarfed the rest of the pie down themselves,41

but this didn't stop their pi holes your honor. Like42

an endless circle they came back and bugged me43

some more.'44

' why didn't you just go somewhere else?'45

asked the judge. 46

'Because', Dubrodnyk repliled, I had been47

thinking that morning about something that 48

bothered me.' 49

'What was that ?' asked the judge.50

'When they told me they were from 51

Chicago and homeless, I began to resent the fact52

that big city welfare workers will buy a ticket to 53

anywhere to get rid of problem people they don't want54

to deal with, because they think they are better than55

other people because at least they are trying to do56

something, and so theire home boys wound up here 57

via way of greyhound and a free ticket. But I 58

tolerate it because I know there are a lot of good kids59

who need a bus ticket home from the city before they60

wind up whores and crack-heads.'61

Then the judge said, 'Is there anyone here62

in the court room who will vouch for your character?'63

Joe smozy jumped up and said, 'Yes , 64

your honor, I know this man and there has never 65

been a finer fellow in New York City in my estimation!'66

'Are you a New Yorker then?' the judge67

asked Joe, to which Joe replied, 'yes, your honor, 68

and you know as well as me those Chicago people69

are nothing but trouble.'70

Then a prosecutor jumped up and said,71

'Your honor, we have discovered a problem. It seems72

the arresting officer failed to mention reading the73

suspect his miranda rights in his report'74

'Case dismissed.' bellowed the judge.75

'What's next on the docket, bailiff?'76

So Joe smozy and Lebodkin Dubrodnyk77

walked out of the courtroom and were greeted by78

one of Manhattan's mole people. 79

'Come on down in the tunnel, you guys,80

we're having barbecued track rabbit for dinner, and81

wine to wash it down with.' 82