Question: Why do so many people play soccer?1
Answer: Because it's too boring to watch.2
God-people of the civilized world, what is your obsession with soccer. And yes, I call it soccer, not football. Football is the trademarked property of the United States describing the sacrosanct sport of FOOTBALL! You may brainwash our innocent children in to playing your little kick-ball sport but don't try to steal our names! 3
I refuse to listen to your argument that you called it football before we did. I'm from the states, where we are trained from birth not to listen to arguments, logical or not. We are always right. God bless Dubya.4
Not only do we never watch soccer, the only time it is mentioned in the media here, is when Hooligans burn down a stadium or start a riot. Things we're interested in. And what is it with the name, Hooligan? It sounds like a bad name for an Irish pub. Now if you had a reality show following Hooligans and their exploits, we'd watch that. (If there's a few boob shots, anyway.) 5
We have a saying over here about hockey, but it's fitting for soccer: "I went to a fight and a soccer game broke out." How can fans get so excited about a sport where no one's tackled? Play the game using Australian rules, I say. Points should be awarded by amounts of blood lost. And set the outside of the field on fire instead of the stands.6
Backhander, banana kicker, midfielder, keeper, defender, dribbler. My God, just call them what they are-little girlie men. And don't send Beckham over here anymore. We'll throw him in our prison system if you do. They'll show him how to "Bend it like Beckham."7
I must admit, there are some benefits to soccer. Our dentists sometimes show matches to their patients to enhance the anesthesia.8
I am totally amazed when some soccer fan is totally amazed at a forward who flips backwards and kicks the ball just out of reach of the keeper. Just kick the ball and skip the gymnastics, already. Good Lord, the goal is eight feet tall and twenty four feet wide. (You Brits may convert it to meters if you prefer. You nixed the Euro, so we'll keep our archaic feet, thankyou.) With a target of that size and only a two foot wide man to blow by, my granny could slip it in there nicely.9
And as far as the gymnastics involved, we have two sports in the States that put that to shame. One is bull-riding and the other takes place in the privacy of our homes.10
So, my point? Get rid of soccer. And you can throw out cricket too, whatever that is.11
I confess my anger for the sport may be a deep-rooted, subconscious reaction to the years of dragging my daughters to their soccer matches whilst I sat for hours in the Florida sun without a beer. But that's beside the point. For the benefit of all mankind, and if you want to save the whales-ban soccer now!
12
A contest entry
- I can't understand it. by daftweejimmy.
1750 points, ended September 2, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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soccer is incredible!!!! ZOMG I LOVE SOCCER! i think i know your problem, you just are terrible at soccer and you take your embarassment out with anger towards the sport
actually, its well written and i would like it if it were directed at something stupid like football, baseball, fencing, wrestling, or boxing.
CreaterSk8er
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I wish i had read this first, then i wouldn't have wasted my time entering!
Yes,I hate football too. Rugby now there's a game for men!
Shinty or hurly are worth a mention too.
Football, sorry soccer; a game for couch potatoes to argue over and spill beer, but don't touch my hair!!!!
A good write.
dave
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lmao I love your rant, especially the part about hooligans and the whole "it's too boring to watch" thing you started with Even if soccer's my favorite sport--and the top sport in almost every country EXCEPT America. I used to play it, but when I quit (injuries suck) I became a committed soccer-watcher. I tend to root for the African teams over everyone else, but maybe I'm just biased
There's actually a lot more tackling than you'd expect in soccer, especially in men's pros--but not as much as, say, American footbal lmao and American football players wear tighter pants, which is usually a plud, but I still put the original futbol over football any day.
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A reasonably good rant...
I love the dig at your nation "I'm from the states, where we are trained from birth not to listen to arguments, logical or not. We are always right. God bless Dubya." Nice touch of humour, but I wonder if you could extend this a little? You are way below the word-count, and I would hate to DQ you on that account....
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You make a very good point there. Even if I do enjoy playing soccer and not watching it. But I don't understand why they call football (I'm talking about American tackle football) "football". They barely use their feet in that sport. They punt the football but that's the only time a foot and a ball come in contact. That's another thing- a football isn't even in a ball shape. In soccer you use your feet more than you use it in football. So that's my only disagreement; that, in my opinion, soccer has a better reason to be called football than tackle football.
I think that soccer is more fun than football and, even though I dislike watching both, I would choose to watch soccer over football. The guys in soccer looke WAY better than the football players with all their bulky gear and tight pants. So therefore, I think that soccer is better than football.
But that is ONLY my opinion.
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