The way I loved you...[part 1]

It was an average wednesday morning in Denver.. I was sleeping late and my mother was screaming through my door, "Hayden!!! Get your ass out of bed! You'll never make it to school at this rate!" God forbid. I lug myself out from under my black comforter. "I am up godammit!" I went to my bathroom and instead of taking a shower like usual, just brushed my teeth and washed my face. I put on my white face make up and black eyeliner. Then I went to my closet and picked out a pair of black cargo pants and an Emily the Strange tee. I didn't bother brushing my hair. I never did.1

I got to school 20 minutes late, so instead of going to per.1 english, I went to the field in back of the school. I sat in the shade under a tree. I was bitting my nails and texing when I smelled cookies. And something else.... Car oil?? I turned around and saw that there was a boy sleeping on the other side of the tree.
He had a fringe covering his eyes and a lip ring. He was wearing a black tee shirt and those silly skinny jeans that people think are cool these days. I moved closer and nudged him. He jolted awake and I noticed he had hazel eyes. "Errr.." he mumbled. "What are you doing?" I asked him. "Emm sleeping. You?" "Just chillin'." I said. "Huh." he said. "I'm Jaron.." "Hayden."

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Comments

  • paramore.girl
    August 18
    Edit | Reply
    Cool. I like this.


  • So Strange Greeters member
    August 17

    Edit | Reply
    You only have one problem within this piece: lack of description. If you described things a little more and fixed your paragraphs up in a different way, you would have a good star to a story here. If you followed these pointers, I think you would be well off. I believe you have talent... but that talent needs a little fine-tuning, plus some more descriptions.

    Welcome to the site. I hope you find this review helpful. Find someone to help you with your grammar, if possible. You should only get better if you do.


  • I am forever me
    August 17
    Edit | Reply

    this is soo great

    i really like it cant wait 2 read more its really intresting plz conrinue.
    always lana xoxo