Never

Love is like a desert with blood seeping through its grains of sand. The liquid as dark and evil, yet, intricate as it runs past every little tiny problem. Though I don't understand why love is cruel, though I don't understand how love builds up until you want to burst... I just know that everything that could possibly go wrong with my love life, has, and that the pressure flowing through my veins and into my heart as it pumps, is too much to bear. What should I do? Where should I run and hide? Maybe, just possibly, if I were to never see you again, maybe, just possibly, I could forget the way that you make me feel, that adoring glint in your eyes that whispers like a gleeful taunt, "You're my best friend Tawnie." The taunt that makes me want to scream, to cry, to sing.1

Is that what is to become of my form? To be lifeless as a hammer, yet pounding down and down on myself for how relentless and foreboding my heart feels. I can't help it... can I? Is this my fault that I feel so hurt and betrayed?2

I glance up as you sit across from me at lunch, my heart beating faster and faster, and maybe, just possibly, as you sit, it shatters into a million pieces, that I might not feel this intoxicating emotion. No, it doesn't as I feel my heart is taking revenge on me.3

Your eyes taunt me unknowingly, and then they scream of worry. "Are you alright Tawnie?" you whisper quietly taking my hand on an impulse. I take my hand back to relinquish the emotion I get inside when you do that.4

"I'm fine Felix," I mutter, ignoring the hurt in your eyes as I stand to leave, as my heart sinks low. And as I'm walking away, I feel your gaze on me, following this lifeless form of a girl walking out of the cafeteria as her heart smashes again... and again.5

And as she walks through the empty halls, she feels herself emptying. Emptying into nothingness as not there as air, but as air is there, my heart isn't. I've never had anyone steal anything from me, especially my heart, my dearest possession, now the only thing that I have is my mind, and as my mind is always filled of befuddling thoughts of you, it's almost not mine either. But that's an inadequate comparison, honestly, 'tis.6

My fingers slam into the school's entrance doors as it opens, slightly hurting my fingers, but not enough to make me care, not that I would even mind had I even been bleeding, it would have been completely numb; nonexistent.7

Cool air hits my sweating face and I walk down the pale sidewalk. We aren't allowed to be outside until five minutes after lunch, but I don't care, the teachers don't either. It just goes to show that discipline should be taken to hand, but it isn't, didn't, and won't.8

Why do I have to be so brilliant? If I were dumb, maybe I wouldn't be feeling this, if I were dumb, I wouldn't know that that hope is a lie, that this world is a stupid lie, and especially that love is a lie.9

I sit on the edge of the elegant fountain, wishing to fall in and freeze to death, and goosebumps rise on my arms at the thought. I shake it away, telling myself that you're not worth it.10

A strong wind whooshes and misty water splashes my face. Students start to fill the empty benches, talking about nothing important and everything meaningless. 11

I gasp and lean over, holding my stomach in pain. 'Oh no, no-' I breathe raggedly, as the pain increases. The stabs were short and immense, as they always are when the pain of my love for you is too much to handle. You know of my pains, but you don't know why they occur. 12

A steady hand massages my shoulder, and someone sits beside me. 13

"Tawnie, what's wrong, honestly, tell me," your silky voice enters my ears as the pain comes back, faster.14

I shriek quietly, struggling to keep the tears in. I push you away as tears come streaming down my cheeks. 15

"I hate you," I whisper, my gut going numb as I say this. I stand and walk away, wiping the tears away as they keep on.16

I fold my arms, still walking, and I sit on one of the broken down swings on the other side of the hang-out place.17

The stomach pangs ceased as the dreaded words filled the air, "I hate you." I didn't hate you, I just willed myself to, though my will had been broken in two the moment that you laid eyes on me.18

My gut numbs more, and I turn away from you as you kneel beside the worn swing. "Please-" you begin, but stop yourself seeing the tears rolling plumply down my heart shaped face. The wind rustles my abstract curls of bronze and it sweeps in front of my face.19

'Never.... never....... never.' The words echo obstinately in my mind as I awake, weaker... and weaker.....20

It all seems like a dream now, the entire incident, as I know it is, was, will be, for you and I are never...