To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern:1

It wasn't so long ago, when we were too young to think about how life treated us, but old enough to realise that life was not in fact fair. Too young to know how to balance our money but old enough to know that there many things we would soon need to figure out. One of those things was how to say good-bye.2

It stated out as an admiration. You were the one I thought I would never have. We would talk for hours and I would just look into your golden brown eyes and hang on every word. I don't mean to sound cliche, don't get me wrong, it was so much more. You used to tell me when I accused you of being weird, that you were the normal one, everyone else had the problems. In all reality I suppose that makes sense. When you think as highly of yourself as you did. There came a time though, when I realised how masking those words were for you. You hid behind them so everyone around you would not see the insecurity that it took me so long to notice. You had hopes,fears and problems. I would have never guessed that we would have had so much in common, two people from two different sides of the world. 3

I remember the first time you really looked at me. Saw who I was, who I could be with you. We had went and saw a movie, and a few of my friends had met us there. I wasn't wearing anything nice, just  t-shirt and some parachute pants. But when I watched you walked up, there was something different about the way you talked to me, glanced at me, hugged me. That was when it officially started.4

Those phone calls, oh the phone calls. Staying up until God knows when in the morning talking about nothing. Sometimes we would talk about the world. Then you spoke of something truly great, letting down your defences for the first time, finally allowing me in. " I just want my dad to be proud of me." 5

The summer flew by so quickly. You got accepted into college, started making plans to leave. I started thinking about how I was going to live without you. Two nights before you left you took me out. My hair was long and curly, pinned up just right, hanging down my back, I was wearing jeans and a blue long sleeved shirt. If that was the last time I was going to see you I wanted to look my best. you were wearing that cologne. The one that I had bought you for graduation. That smell to this day drives me wild! We went and saw S.W.A.T. Do you remember that? Afterwards we stood out in the parking lot. You gave me the biggest hug I had ever received and you whispered the most caring words any man will ever say " You are the most caring, selfless person I have ever met." I thanked you and walked over to my car. I looked at you one last time and got in. I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, I just drove. I didn't even realise the radio was off until I pulled into my driveway. I wiped my face and noticed my hand was black...I had cried the whole way home.6

The next night I drove out to your house. I sat on your bed. I watched you pack boxes, your life yucked away in little trunks. This was really the last night I was going to see you. I told you to sit down and I handed you my medal. The one I had won at nationals that year. And then you gave me your graduation medallion. Which, by the way, still hangs on my wall. The night came to an end and I stood out on your carport, you looked at me for the longest time, and I knew there was something you wanted to say. Really there was something we both wanted to say. There was, in fact, so much to say. You experienced so many firsts with me. My first car. My second car. My first love. Love. Love is such a big word. 7

I hugged you and told you I had to go. I had to go because I was going to start crying, but I told you it was because I was going to get weird if I stayed any longer. I didn't speak to you for two weeks after that....When you finally told me you loved me.8

No, I am not writing you this letter to reminisce about the past. I am writing you this letter to let you know, that the pieces of my heart that you broke, the day you called me and told me you had found somebody else, the pieces you shattered when I found out you were engaged after only knowing her a couple of months and the pieces that aren't even in existence anymore when I was there when she went away and saw her name tattooed on your arm....are still missing. I would like them back. 9

You will never know to the extent that I loved you. Heart and soul I loved you. When everyone else told me "we" weren't possible and it would never worked. I told them that they were wrong. How many times did you tell me you loved me and not mean it? How many times did you say you missed me and not really want to say it. How many times was I lied to? Why can't I get over you two years later?10

You will never see this letter. You will never know that I love you more then anything I have ever loved in my entire life, even now when your life is a mess. You told me once that I was a "kid" and I wouldn't understand what you were going through." Well guess what. I'm not a kid anymore, and I had just as much understanding then, as I do now. You have made it so hard for me to move on. You have made it so hard for me to trust people, to be patient and wait for the right guy. You have made it so hard for me to be without love. Because you showed me love, then snatched it away. I really do hope your happy. I hope your life is turning out exactly the way you planned it. Because the sad thing about our story is. That I'm still the one without. I'm still alone. I still miss you. I know I'm a bit pathetic. But I still love you. Most days I can ignore it. Most days I can look at somebody and be able to move on. But then there are days when I am used. There are days when I see these guys that remind me of you. When I have these days I think of the times you made me laugh, the times you made me cry. Mossed of all I think of the times you made me feel loved. 11

You will always have a place in my heart. I will always love you in some way. But now I have to let you go. Good-bye.12

Love Always,13

Candice Marie Bezanson14