There was a certain time in my life, a very important day, when my friendship with Alexis would change forever. This was the day that marked exactly one month before the very last day of eighth grade, or the last time I would see one of my best friends before she moved. This important when I decided to trust Alexis; a mistake I should have never made. This certain date was May 4th.1
May 4th is not so special that people should celebrate it as a holiday or mark it on their calendar. It is just cursed for me and always will pop up in my head. This day was when I didn't let the clock of friendship bother me. I was a complete and utter fool for it. Every moment of every day, I crept closer and closer to losing one of my best friends. May 4th was when it was about a quarter full, with time quickly elapsing. Before I knew it, I was already saying goodbye to Alexis without even remembering why. It was not until AFTER when I began to realize I had made a mistake. 2
I made such a big mistake that there was no way I could fix it. Alexis and I kept fighting and kept avoiding each other that there was no way possible to change what was present. That's when it hit me, right then on the last day of summer. I had to travel back in time. When, you may ask? You might say 'to the first day I met her?' or 'the last day of school?'. But if you did, you are totally wrong. With difficulty, the day I traveled back to, was May 4th.3
Author notes
If you read this, please comment on whether I should continue.
Do you want to read more?
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I enjoyed this and will read more, should you continue it. Nice hook, aura of mistery, and a drive that pushes me to wish to know what is going on.
I would recommend continuing this, as it has great potential, but there are a couple things that are a bit ackward. The first of which is the repeating theme May 4th. I was quickly reminded of Cinco de Mayo, which is a partying holiday. It added a comedic edge to it all, which doesn't help get your point across.
It was also repeated to the point that it verged on spam. I understand the neccessity of repeating the theme, as it is a major part in the plot, but I think twice should be sufficient to a reader that is reasonably intelligent and can pick up on important dates.
Reading over I seem a little negative, but I really did enjoy it and you really should continue it. I don't wish to discourage you at all.
Good luck
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I liked it! It was very nice. I thought it was a little short, though...maybe you could elaborate a little more. I'll definitely read more.
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Hmmm....
OK, the idea is sound. You want the readers to realise that for you, the important date is May 4th. Right, we've got that, but there's a lot of stuff here that is not necessary, and in fact ruins the next part of the story. Let me put it this way; the prologue shouldn't simply restate the same thing time and again. Admittedly you also mention that everything was a mistake and so on, but a little piece of advice; if you chase after two rabbits, you won't catch either. Let me see if I can help here, and see if the little bit I would write is any help.
4th May. Not an important date on most people's calendar, but for me, a life changing date. The date I trusted someone, the date I made an error that I was to regret. Possibly forever.
It seemed impossible to put things right.
It was the date I lost my best friend.
How to put it right? Perhaps I could travel back in time, somehow?
Perhaps....
This, or something along these lines would be better. Remember that a prologue should draw the reader in, but not give too much away. You started well enough, but then got so involved in what you wanted to say that you lost sight of the KISS principle.
A story should develop. This means that if you are looking back in time to introduce your story, you should hint at the main theme, possibly state very briefly, but tantalisingly, what your theme is. Once you've done this, and I stress it should be brief, you are free then to lay out the circumstances surrounding the break-up, who you are, who the friend is, and how everything went sour. Don't try to be complex, because the reader doesn't want too much information, and certainly doesn't want to go through the mental gymnastics of untangling all the threads on the first page. Later, fine.
The other thing is, read your story aloud. This is what highlights errors in grammar and punctuation and related matters, where you may have missed out essential words (which are often the very small words, like "not") and allows you to edit the whole thing.
There is a tendency for young people to try to appear older than they are, and this is fine so long as you don't pretend to know more than you do.
I hope this is helpful, and doesn't sound too condescending; it's not meant that way. Tell me what you think of what I've said, and if you want an idea of how to write a prologue, try the first part of "Dad's Will", which is a sort of prologue, and see if you can catch the idea.
All the best with your writing,
Jim.
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It's good, there's some background info in there and it forms an outline of a story. I think you could go far with this. Keep on writing and great job.
-Dani
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I agree with tonialoise on all accounts in this one. We don't really get a real motivator for her going back in time. Putting one in would be nice.
It doesn't really hook me yet; maybe the "big event" that ended their relationship would be a huge fight over something stupid, or, dare I say it, the friend's death. That way, there would be an added conflict later of the main character trying to defy the time paradox to somehow save her friend. Now THAT would be interesting!
~sberendt
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Great start!
Good job for your first prologue, and yes, I do want to read more. It was a little confusing in spots but that should be easy to sweep up. Keep on writing, I can't wait to see more!
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thats pretty good, it defintly interested me. just needs a little edit, and you should defintly continue writing it. Well done
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As far as prologs go it did it's job (gave background info for your story) and was a pretty decent one.
I think I would have liked to know a little more about the characters and their motivations, what made their friendship end exactly... if that will be told later in the story then ok, but still it's very vague here, but we don't really see why she feels she NEEDS to go back in time. Ok she can't fix the friendship, but that's not a major motivator, was there something drastic that happened because their friendship ended? I mean I've lost plenty of good friends, but that's never made me feel like I should go back and fix it, so having stronger emotions/reactions would help here.
Your grammar was pretty good, I didn't find any major issues, just one small one.
p2 "May 4th was when it was about a quarter full" you might want to clarify what "it" is, I'm assuming it's the "clock of friendship" but as there's several sentences in-between, and other things it could be referring to, it helps to keep things clear, but that's just me. I would just say "when the clock was"
Would I read more? Sure, but I'm not invested in this yet, you haven't hooked me totally. It's a good idea, and I think it will work with a little more emotion to it.
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Okay, let's start with the opening sentence in the first paragraph...
Where you're using commas to give off the general 'attention', try using a line break/syntax in-between LIFE and A then after DAY.
Also, since you've already classified that in the paragraph that it's an 'important' day/moment, don't hesitate in using homophones in placement of IMPORTANT.
Other from that, this could be a good start of a novell -
Yes, you need to continue this. Tell the world your story.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good and I do want to read more of the story, but I think that you should add a little more to this prologue. Keep writing!
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here goes:
P1: May fourth was a very important day in the history of my life for three reasons; a month from now the year I spent in the eight grade would come to an end. It would be the last day I would see one of my friends before she moved, and the day that I would make the mistake of trusting Alexis causing our friendship to change forever.
P2: It was the day that went by too quickly, not the kind of day that anyone else would have marked on their calender. It was not a special day, no holiday were celebrated on this day.
It was a day that I would always remember because, of the curse.
P3: I was saying goodbye to Alxis without remembering why, and it wasn't until afterwards that I realized the mistake I had made. Alexis and I had been arguing then had decided to avoid each other. There was no way I could think of to fix the problems we were having, except to go back in time and relive that day.
Basically the same words you used but, I changed it a little bit and I think it reads smoother. The scene still retains the mystery of the prologue but, seems clearer somehow. tell me if this works for you. -
I think that you should add more. It's a bit confusing, I think you should add more to the prologue. A bit more description is needed, and possibly a hanger at the end? Pull me in the story. Don't give up on it, though. Try your best.
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In the second paragraph it sounds like you are refering to current time while talking about the past. I would suggest to revise it a little. And in the last paragraph you suggest other times the reader may think she is teaveli g back to when we already guess she is going back to May 4th.
Hopefully that helped!
~Len
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I'd definitely like to see more of this story; it seems like an interesting plotline with time travel and I'm curious on how you plan to carry out that particualar element.
I like how you spoke to the audience and asked them hypothetical questions--just be sure not to overdo it or it could possibly loose its effectiveness.
In the first paragraph, you use the word "day" a lot. To me, it feels like weak repetition. I think it would sound better if you were able to rephrase the same points, just in different words.
Good luck with this piece!
*Frozen Angel* -
That was really interesting, I definantly want to read more of this! It was quite unexpected when you spoke about travelling back in time but a cool twist. Great idea, WRITE MORE!!!
-Masq
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This was good. xD
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I thought this was your first prolouge. You didn't right like it was u wrote like it was ur 100th
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I strongly suggest continuing. This is exceptionally intriguing. Though I suggest formalizing the words, because the word 'totally' was somewhat distracting. 'Pop up' as well. Other than that, hooking prologue.
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Wow! This is Great! You said that this was the first prologue you wrote. It is Excellent!
BRILLIANT Work and I would certainly love to read more!
-Crystal
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