I Miss You

"I miss you so much..." The words seemed completely inaccurate even as I wrote them. No words could describe the way I felt. But these would have to do.1

"I don't know how I've survived this long, not hearing from you at all. It's amazing, really. But maybe... maybe I haven't survived this. I feel as though a piece of me is missing, as though I will never be whole again until I at least see you again. It hurts to think about you, but if I don't, I feel empty inside..."2

That was better, I decided. It was as true and exact as I could make it.3

"I'd rather feel pain than that crushing emptiness. I'd rather hurt, hurt for all eternity, than lose you... again." A sharp intake of breath filled my lungs, and I could feel my pain rushing in. I held myself around my middle, hoping it would pass. Sometimes it did. But the rest of the time, the pain lasted for hours on end, and I ended up crying myself to sleep. The pain did lessen slightly, and I picked up my pen with a shaking hand.4

"I don't know what happened between us. But whatever it was, maybe it was for the best. It taught me to cope with immense pain. It taught me that the person you care about might never care the same way. It taught me that you can't expect your friends to really know you, to know who you are. It taught me... that even if you love someone, they might leave... and never come back."5

I sniffed and tried to blink away the tears forming at the corners of my eyes, but it didn't work; a tear slid down my face and dripped down onto my letter. I stared at the smudged ink, which obscured the first line: "I miss you..." 6

With sudden determination--maybe it was the onslaught of tears that spurred me--I decided that I would send my letter. This entire thing had originally been intended to function as an outlet, but I decided that he should know how I felt. He needed to know, if nothing else.7

"You've left me before. It's left me broken every time, shattered into pieces no one but you could put back together. But you have never hurt me this way before... no one has. I don't know what I did to deserve it. Maybe you were scared, or angry, and took it out on me. But whatever the reason you broke my heart again, I know you're not coming back this time, and it hurts--more than you will ever know."8

I began sobbing uncontrollably. My hand trembled so badly as I wrote the last few lines, it was nearly illegible. But it was no worse than his ordinary script, so I knew he would be able to read it.9

"But I'm letting you go. Maybe you'll find someone else--someone who fits you better. Someone who, by some miracle, loves you more than I ever did. Someone you'll love back. So goodbye. I'm finally ready to do this. Goodbye. Goodbye... I will never forget you."10