Fragments of my Soul

1

Four weeks together and my soul feels so complete. I love him beyond words, beyond fears, beyond limits. I never thought, after the last four and a half years, that I could ever feel this whole.2

And yet I still can't drown my splintered past. It still haunts me, consumes me, pulls me back into despair. I could be the happiest girl in the world, loving, laughing, dreaming, drowning in fear. All it takes is just one snap and it's like I'm down for the count.3

I'm spiraling again. All it takes is for despair to catch me at my weakest and there's no more me. It takes all my strength to hold my eyes open. And usually with the spiral, there are no thoughts, just vain emptiness, pushing, no-sucking me back into my own personal hell.4

And yet, how can I fall and still be conscious of what I do? I can hear Daimen call my name, I can still feel his gentle touch as he tries to bring me away from despair. But I can't answer him. As I said before, it takes all my strength to hold my eyes open. It takes my breath away, all I can do is whisper and it's painful to do even that.5

But while I'm in this suck-hole of hell, my heart is screaming at me to answer him, to ease his pain because I know it kills him when I finally fall. I feel selfish, self-consumed but I'm never able to pull myself out.6

And I love him. Although it's barely been four weeks, I know he's the one for me and if anyone can repair my shattered heart and fragmented soul, it's him. And yet, I can do nothing but apologize to him when I fall. My spirals have nothing to do with him whether he believes it or not.7

I can't even convey to him what's making me fall in words. For there are no words. There is no explanation for the past four years. I'd love to think it's all over and done with, but yet it still haunts me and there's no way to make it go away.8

But that's why I've been trying so hard to finish writing "With Love, Guinevere." It's killing me to write it, to spot for errors and rewrite it for neatness. Everytime I even consider the last four years, it's like driving a stake into my heart and I can't make the pain go away. That story is like my very soul and the more I write of it, the more is drawn from my body. Yet, if I continue to hold all that pain in, what'll happen to me? I'm still cutting more than I'd like to and I know it's killing Daimen to watch me fall. I don't know why I won't just grab his hand and let him pull me up, other than I just can't. It may be that he's too far now for me to grab hold. 9

I mean, I'm not even breaking the surface. No matter how hard I press, there's no blood that comes, no restorative potion, only pain and grief while anxiety finally melts away. Am I going to be reduced to nothing but pain and sorrow? Am I always going to be falling like this with the one I love just far enough beyond reach that I cannot allow him to pull me up?10

I hate this and I wish it would go away. What will happen if I continue to fall this way? Will I finally take my own life? If I do, I've killed so many hopes and dreams for my life. My own dreams, Lorrie's, Daimen's, Michael's, Mom's, Papa's, Granny's, TJ's, even Stephen's. If I continue to fall away, I have to know, I may not recover, I may not get the life I choose, it'll be the life the hospital gives me as Daimen will be forced to move on.11

And that's not what I want. I want Daimen to be whole, like once-upon-a-time, we all were. I'm not trying to hurt him, even though I know I am. And that makes me spiral even more, because I beat myself up over it because I'm trying to heal Daimen, not hurt him more. The only time he's depressed is when I am and that makes me feel worse.12

As I said, I love him, beyond words, beyond life, beyond meaning. Without him, I see no future. But I need help and there's no way for me to get the help I probably require. No insurance and I hate doctors with a purple passion.13

Love,14

xXxChristinaxXx15